by A. Gardner
“You’ve been quieter than usual lately.” Scarlett chews her bite of vegetarian chili. It was torture sitting through the rest of my work day knowing where Dane is. Plus, Zanna kept texting me that she was going to stop by the apartment and pack a bag for me.
“Just a lot on my mind,” I reply. We hardly ever sit down together at dinner time anymore. Usually it’s me and the TV. I can’t bring myself to make eye contact.
“Like?”
Like none of your business.
“Stuff.” I shove a spoonful of chili into my mouth.
“Alright,” she sighs. “I know what this is about and we might as well talk about it.”
“You do?” I raise my eyebrows.
“I know it sucks not being able to enjoy your summer but trust me. You’ll be better off with the job experience.” She lets her spoon rest on her bowl. A baby blue porcelain bowl that looks like the sea.
“So you say . . . a lot.” I stare down at the table.
“Come on Mikki,” she shakes her head. “Be a little more grateful.” I almost choke on my own spit. I can feel my cheeks getting hot. How can she say that?
“Is that what you do?” I reply. It’s becoming hard to stop myself from shouting. I want her to know that I know. I know she’s been seeing Matt Haskell, and I know she’s a hypocrite.
Scarlett glares at me.
“What’s gotten into you?” She sets her spoon down and crosses her arms. I feel my forehead. It’s warm like a furnace.
“Nothing,” I lie. There’s a debate going on in my head. Part of me wants to ignore what I saw and go on like nothing happened. The other part wants to shout it from the rooftop. How dare she act like my mother and tell me what to do.
“This is getting tiring,” she responds. “I’m trying to help. Really I am. You could at least try to be somewhat supportive.”
“I’m not the one with the problem,” I blurt out. Her expression changes. Whatever smile was left is wiped clean off her face. She scowls and wrinkles her forehead in the process.
“Of course you’re not. It’s always my fault.” She throws her arms in the air and raises her voice. “All your little problems are always my fault, and all I do is make everything worse.”
“Stop exaggerating,” I respond.
My comment seems to make matters worse.
“I’m not the exaggerator honey,” she scoffs. My head balloons with a million responses. It might even explode and spurt out all of them. I stand up, my cheeks probably the color of fire about now.
“You’re such a hypocrite,” I say, raising my voice louder than hers. It turns out to be more of a scream than a shout. Scarlett’s eye get wider. “Don’t tell me what to do okay. You have no right.”
“Mikki,” she scolds. To my surprise she lowers her voice. Her eyes are a tad glassy as she forces herself to take a deep breath. “I just wish you would talk to me, you know. We were always so good at that but lately . . .”
Lately we’ve had our worlds rocked by the Haskells. Both of us.
“I know about Matt,” I sniff. Tears are streaming down my face. I don’t want them to but I can’t control it.
“What?” She immediately leans back. Her face goes pale and she twists her mouth like she’s going to be sick. “What are you talking about?”
“You and Matt,” I go on. My chest burns the entire time. Adrenaline races through my veins as the words finally leave my mouth. I can’t believe I’m saying this. I don’t do confrontations. I’m horrible at it. They only leave me feeling even worse about myself. Yet here I am telling Scarlett what I think.
I don’t know if this is good or bad.
“There is no me and Matt,” Scarlett replies. “He hired me once. That’s it.”
“How can you say that? How can you lie to my face?”
“I’m not!” she shouts.
“You are,” I state firmly. “I saw the two of you together. Last night!” The color in her cheeks is flushed away. She’s chalk white. I stare at her, letting another tear run down my cheek.
She’s speechless.
“So it’s true,” I gulp. “You’ve been seeing him this whole time.” I shake my head. She glances off to the side, not saying anything. I want to sprint down the street until I hit the beach, then swim until I can’t move my arms anymore.
I run to my room wishing Zanna really had come over and packed my bag. I dial her number the first chance I get, slamming my door so loudly it rattles the walls. I open a drawer and start tossing clothes on my bed. The line rings.
“You change your mind,” Zanna laughs, finally picking up.
“Actually yeah.” I pull a huge duffle bag from the top shelf in my closet.
“Whatever girl. Quit pulling my chain.”
“I’m not joking,” I answer. I sniff again and wipe the dripping mascara from my face. “Let’s go. Right now.”
“Right now? But-”
“Come get me.” I’m crying again. I hear silence on the other end.
“I’ll be there in a sec.” Her voice is serious now. “You can spend the night at my place.”
“Thanks.” I hang up and continue destroying my closet looking for the clothes I want to take with me. I cover my eyes with my palm as more tears come. I can’t stop them.
Tomorrow I’ll be calling in sick.
Nine
“One night won’t hurt.”
“No call,” I sigh. I tug at my seatbelt and rest my head against the car window. Every road sign we pass I tell myself to turn around. I’ve never been outside of Oregon on my own.
“I’m surprised he called you at all,” Zanna replies. Her gaze stays steady on the road. We’ve been driving all day. The first thing I wanted to do when I woke up this morning was drive until the sun goes down.
I move positions for the hundredth time. Zanna’s car isn’t the most comfortable.
“Don’t worry.” Zanna glances at me. “We’ll be there soon. Then you can stretch, run down the block, or whatever.”
“Soon?” I sit up straight and observe our surroundings. I can see snow-capped mountains in the distance. Rich, green plains stretch out on both sides of us. The sun is going down and it’s leaving a gorgeous violet color hanging in the sky. We have a long way to go before we reach Vail. It wasn’t too long ago that a sign welcomed us to Colorado.
“Yeah,” she smiles. “I thought we could crash with my cousin. He’s going to school not too far from here.”
“You never mentioned that.”
“Didn’t I?” She shrugs and her smile widens as she drives to the next exit. “Oh well.”
“Zanna.”
“One night won’t hurt,” she says.
“It might,” I disagree. “We don’t know for sure what’s going on with Dane.”
“He said he was fine right?”
“Yeah but-”
“Then take his word for it, Mikki. Otherwise I might fall asleep at the wheel."
If Zanna’s cousin is anything like her she won’t be falling asleep. All night. By tomorrow I’d be the one doing all the driving while she sleeps off a massive hangover.
“And your cousin,” I continue. “He doesn’t know we’re coming does he.”
“He won’t mind.”
“Whatever.” I have too much on my mind to argue. “But promise me we’re outtie first thing in the morning.”
“I promise.”
* * *
I never would have pegged Zanna and Kade as family. I was expecting black hair, dark eyes and a bad boy personality. Tattoos and a motor bike maybe. Not a blond, tan, statue of a man wearing skater shoes. When he looks at me he has a twinkle in his eye. He sits on a couch with neatly placed pillows. His apartment is clean and clutter free.
“Sorry cuz,” he shrugs. “I had no idea you were stopping by.”
“Neither did I,” Zanna replies, taking a sip from her water bottle.
“I mean you’re welcome to crash here but my roommate invited a bunch of people
over.” He makes a side glance at me. It catches me off guard and I take a deep breath to keep myself from blushing.
“We don’t mind. Right Mikki?” Zanna looks to me for approval.
“Sure,” I agree. But I do mind. I want to get to Vail as quickly as possible.
“Sweet.” Zanna smiles. I look down at the fibers in the carpet and start counting to pass the minutes. I feel anxious but I don’t want to be the person that stops others from having a good time. Though my night will be crappy.
“So where are you headed anyway?” Kade and I make eye contact. He looks away and stretches his arm, running his fingers through his dirty blond hair. Zanna hesitates.
“The mountains,” I answer.
“Yeah,” Kade responds. “I assumed that much.”
“Then why did you ask?” I respond.
He grins.
“Nevermind,” he says in a low voice. This time he looks at me when he grins. We make eye contact again and I feel short of breath. I wish I could wait out the night in an empty room by myself. Stop it, Mikki.
“Where can we grab some food?” Zanna changes the subject. I’m relieved . . . and hungry.
“Fridge is over there.” Kade points towards the kitchen. “And some food places are down the street. Your choice.”
She’s looking for party fuel.
Ten
“Dane is going to kill me.”
The noise in the apartment overtakes my thought process. I can’t even hear myself. A few people turned into a dozen and by the end of the night that number had tripled. Zanna’s laugh is booming from the kitchen. She always gets louder when she drinks.
I grip my cup tightly. It’s empty and I’ve ignored Zanna’s ploys to try and fill it. Last time it wasn’t just the splitting headache I had to deal with. It was what I did and what I couldn’t remember.
“You’re awful quiet.” A guy in an orange t-shirt looks me up and down. The shirt is thin and tight enough to see the lines of his muscles underneath.
“I guess,” I reply, shrugging off his comment. I’m clearly not getting any sleep tonight. Not unless the chick with the dreadlocks quits using the couch as her own personal make out station.
“You having fun?”
“Of course,” I shake my head. That’s a lie. My head is starting to throb and I can’t take my mind off the fact that my phone hasn’t buzzed at all.
“You sure?” he continues. I take a few breaths and finally shake my head.
“No.” I watch Zanna rub the back of a shirtless stranger. “No, I lied. I’m not having fun at all.”
“I thought so,” he replies. Before I can think of something else to say my cup feels heavy. I don’t want to drink it. It tastes horrible.
“I shouldn’t.”
“ I know,” he chuckles. “You’re the responsible type. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be spontaneous once in a while.” I instantly glare at him. My heart begins racing and not from the blasting music. Even he thinks I’m boring. A total stranger that’s known me for a total of five seconds. I gulp the entire thing down before I can think of another excuse not to.
The guy laughs and pours me another. My mind flashes back to the last time this happened. I throw my head back and let the liquid rush down my throat. That was the night I met Gavin. The night I said way too much.
I won’t talk about Dane this time.
I drink another. Then another. The numbness begins. I feel better than I did. More invincible. So what if Dane doesn’t call. So what if he never tells his family or friends about me.
“Hey man.” I hear Kade’s voice. It puts a smile on my face. “What are you doing?” I look down and realize I’m in the arms of a stranger. He’s pulling me tight against himself and I didn’t even notice. Kade grabs my arm and pulls me away.
“Chill Kade,” the guy raises his voice. He jumps forward with fiery eyes. “She’s none of your business.”
“She is my business.” Kade pulls me farther away from him. My head is spinning and my ears are so full of chatter I can’t think straight until Kade slams the door. We’re in a quiet bedroom. I sit on the bed and soak in the silence. My eyes feel heavy. I just want to sleep.
“Just . . . stay here okay,” I hear Kade instruct me.
“Where exactly is here,” I mutter, looking around. I can’t comprehend the things around me. The navy bed sheets. The oak dresser in the corner. The guitar displayed by the nightstand.
“You’re in my room,” he replies. We make eye contact. My heart jumps. His eyes are intriguing just like Dane’s. They take me away to another place when I stare at them.
Dane. I need him.
“No, don’t cry,” Kade responds. My vision is blurred by a wave of tears. I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. Whatever I had to drink it wasn’t strong enough to get rid of the pain this time.
“Another,” I sniff. I wipe my cheeks. “I need another drink.” Kade lightly sits next to me.
“You’re fine,” he responds. “Sleep it off in my bed.” I take a deep breath and rest my head on his pillow. It smells like like spicy cologne.
“Thanks,” I say quietly.
“Yeah.” He stands up but turns around before opening the door. “Hope things work out for you.”
“You and me both.” I wipe another set of tears.
“You sure you’re okay?”
I shake my head. No, I’m not okay. My boyfriend is missing, if you’d call him that. He can’t even muster up the courage to tell his parents. The person I live with is lying to me, and my virginity is clinging to me like a giant magnet.
“I can stay . . . if you want?” He shrugs.
“Stupid girl stuff.” I attempt to laugh it off. It’s not working too well. “I don’t want to keep you.”
“Eh.” He grins, taking back his spot at my side. “I don’t know half those people anyway.”
I let out a giggle. I trust myself to close my eyes. The sleep will do me good and I have Kade to distract me from the wild thoughts in my head. Sort of.
“You’re not what I expected you to be.”
“Oh,” Kade replies. “And what did you expect? Green mohawk? Tattoos?”
“Uh yeah,” I laugh. My head feels like it’s floating on a cloud. I get comfortable under the covers. The party noises on the other side of the wall slowly fade.
“I do have a tattoo though.”
“Really?” I giggle again. He grins, sinking down lower into the sheets. He pulls up his sleeve revealing a tight, muscular forearm. I stare at the drawing just beneath his elbow. What is that? A bird?” I squint.
“A dove.”
“Oh,” I sigh. “Interesting choice.”
“It represents someone,” he chuckles.
“Oh-”
“But enough about me,” he continues. “What’s up with you?”
“You don’t want to know. I’m a mess.” I feel his hand gently brush the side of my shoulder.
“You can’t say that and expect me not to pry,” he answers. The brush of his hand turns into a light massage of the shoulder. Something that would ironically make me even more tense, but tonight it has the opposite effect. I feel relaxed.
“It’s a guy. Isn’t that always the root of a girl’s troubles. A guy?” I hear him laugh. His touch grows firmer. I let my muscles reap the benefits of being loosened. My head tilts and catches his shoulder. I hear his voice but the words don’t add up. I’m sinking into a deep sleep. I can’t stop it.
* * *
I dream of Dane. I see his face next to mine. We are lying together under a soft comforter. I’m ecstatic to see him. His touch sends chills through my body. He grabs a strand of my hair, a familiar routine, and kisses me. Our bodies move closer together. I feel his warmth spreading to my chest. It’s shared heat.
I kiss him back and the longing begins. My heart races. His hands explore down my back. Places he’s never ventured. I feel soft tingles in my thighs. He’s moving closer. I close my eyes a
s he takes control. We’re moving together. Breathing together. My mind is climbing to the top of a jagged peak.
I open my eyes again, wanting to see this moment. Keep it forever in my memories.
I see a face, but it’s not Dane’s. I glance at blond hair and a naked torso. This isn’t a dream it’s real. I’m in Kade’s bed and I can’t control myself.
Dane is going to kill me.
Volume Three
Of Fear And Fate
DANE
Chapter One
“I’m dying.”
Rig made a mistake.
I hear voices outside my bedroom and my heart starts to pound. My forehead feels hot and I clench my fists as a surge of adrenaline makes its way from my limbs into my chest. Dad prides himself on being perfect. Flawless. No room for error. When I or Paige make a mistake we’re thrown to the dogs.
Dad’s right hand man, Rig, opened the door to some unexpected company. Two men immediately stepped inside, overtaking Rig’s infamous chokehold with two machine guns. I heard the shouting. One of them banged so hard against the wall that there’s a gaping hole.
I open my door slightly to eavesdrop.
If there’s a time to sneak out the back it’s now while Rig is occupied. I get down on my hands and knees and crawl quietly down the hall towards the second floor deck. I catch a glimpse of Rig’s profile. A bead of sweat is glistening on his forehead. He keeps a straight face as one of the men adjusts his suit coat.
“Lucia doesn’t like to be kept waiting, ya understand.” The man finishes adjusting his collar and smirks. I take a silent breath and move another inch. “So here’s what I’m gonna do-”
The man stops mid sentence and shoots his gaze at the ceiling.
“I thought you said you were the only one here?” the man says disappointedly. Rig stays quiet. I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking of ten ways he can knock this loser’s lights out. I move another inch and my movements are one hundred percent stealth, making no noise whatsoever.