The tip of his nose traced across my cheek as his words clung to my hair. His breath sent chills down my spine.
“I will never hurt you ever again—I promise. I love you, Wilson,” Max cooed as he pressed his lips to my temple; I shivered down to my toes.
“I love you too,” I whispered. I felt his arms tighten around my back as he kissed the space between my collarbone and the bend of my neck. I felt rescued in his embrace; like I’d finally made it home again. I’d missed him like crazy. After everything he’d created for me, I truly knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I swam in his arms as I warmed to his body temperature. I felt him exhale as his lips rested against my temple.
When the front door slammed and I heard Cindy call out to Nick, every muscle in my body grew rigid. Reactively, I tried to push Max away.
“Hey, where is—what the hell is going on?” Cindy’s harsh voice scraped and scratched across every wall and ceiling in the house, her eyes wicked and narrow as she walked in on Max still holding me. Her expression was smarmy; she finally had her proof that Wesley’s government teacher, Maximillian Goldstein, was in love with her roommate.
“I frickin’ knew it! O.M.G., Wilson’s banging her government teacher. What a surprise! Well, actually not really. Discretion doesn’t seem to be your strong suit—but wow, Mr. Goldstein. And bravo, Wilson, I can’t believe you were able to pull it off,” Cindy spouted as she walked toward us clapping. “You are such a fucking piece of work,” she screamed.
“Hey that’s enough, Cindy,” Max roared as he took a step in front of me.
“Oh puh-leeze, get over yourself. Did you really think I wasn’t fully aware that you two were sleeping together? Who doesn’t know? Let me help you out. Lesson one: delete text messages after you read them. Lesson two: don’t leave your phone where people can get it. And lesson three: learn to have a poker face when you’re accused of fucking your government teacher. It’s written all over your face, Wilson,” Cindy smirked. She cocked her head and examined her fingernails before she tossed a nasty look at me.
“You’ve crossed the line,” Max growled.
“Isn’t that brilliant coming from you? Shall we talk about boundaries and crossing lines, or do they not apply to you?” Cindy prodded Max. “I mean how is this going to go over with Dean McCallous when she finds out her prized government teacher at Wesley Academy is screwing one of the students?”
I felt Max’s arm loosen from my waist. His body leaned forward.
“Knock it off, Cindy,” I snapped. I was geared up to fight for Max. Every tooth and nail would be sacrificed if need be. Suddenly, without thinking, I lunged at Cindy; she leapt back. I guess I was done playing nice. The rest of my life was on the line and I wasn’t going to let this spoiled bitch screw it up.
Max thrust his arms back, trapping me behind him. He turned around and got in my face, his forest green eyes fervently searching for my attention. “Wilson…look at me,” he held my face between his hands, our eyes clinging to one another, “All that matters is that…I love you, and nobody can take that away,” he said as he pressed his scorching hand against my chest. My heart beat spastically with his touch.
“Max…” I whispered, my eyes splashed with tears.
“Listen, I came here this evening to bring you home with me. Will you come with me?” he asked as his fingers cleared the tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Oh my God,” Cindy steamed.
I heard the door crash against the wall and the three of us turned to see Joanie and Nick at the door.
“Cindy, come on, time to leave,” Nick demanded, his breathing hurried like he’d run up a flight of stairs.
Her eyes bounced between Nick, Max, and me, her body heaving, as she answered Nick’s request.
“I’m not going anywhere, this is my house.” Cindy pressed her pointer finger to her chest as she jutted her hip out and forced her fist against it. I saw the gears in her head spinning and noticed the look on her face as she pieced together the fact that Max had no clue about Nick and me kissing.
“I think it’s best if you and I leave. Come on,” Nick insisted as he walked over and attempted to grab Cindy’s arm. I was praying that Nick was going to be able to get Cindy to leave before she blurted out information better left unsaid.
“Let go of me. I can walk out by myself. Just like our very own Wilson is walking out on you, Nick,” Cindy snarled as she pulled her arm out of her brother’s grasp.
I felt the weight of Max’s body pull away from mine as he took a couple of steps toward them. “I’m sorry, what did she just say?” he asked quizzically. Nick glared at Cindy before his eyes met mine. My stomach turned inside out and every belief I had in Max and me lasting beyond her words, exploded.
“Nothin’,” Cindy spat.
“No, that wasn’t nothing—what did it mean?” Max demanded. He turned and looked at Nick before he followed Nick’s stare to mine. Max’s earthy green eyes were weighty under his dark, furrowed eyebrows as he looked at me determinedly.
Cindy realized she had Nick and I caught in a predicament. Suddenly she had the upper hand in the situation, and she used the moment to play her wicked game with us.
“Well, I didn’t mean much by it other than the fact that, suddenly, you show up here and want to take Wilson away…from…us…” Cindy swung her arm around to indicate the “us” she was talking about was Joanie, Nick, and her.
The thick air licked at me and encouraged the perspiration to push through my pores. I couldn’t find my voice to stop Max from grabbing at anything to help him understand what Cindy was saying. I knew Max could tell something was up. He turned and looked at me squarely in the eyes.
“What’s she talking about, Wilson? What’s going on?” Max asked, more forceful than before, as he searched every line of my expression.
I froze and I couldn’t breathe. How was I going to tell him about kissing Nick? Especially after I’d struggled with it and worked out that it was better not to tell him yet. But I couldn’t keep it in any longer; I gave up. I had a monkey on my back, a betrayal that ran deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced before, and it wasn’t going to go away easily.
I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I love you. You are my everything.” I swallowed. As the next part began to come out of my mouth, my eyes dropped and became plastered to the floor.
“When I left you at your house, I was scared. I was hurt, and very confused. I’ve never experienced a family like yours before. They were accepting of me and I felt safe with them. For the first time in my life, I was a part of a normal family.” Tears crowded my eyes as the feelings of his family’s love swelled in my chest. I paused and took a deep breath before I continued, “I didn’t know how to relate to the whole situation happening between me and your family. And so, when I thought your mom and Calvin hated me—”
“They don’t hate you,” Max interjected.
“Well, at that moment, I thought they did. So it was painful to feel rejected by your mom. It was painful to think she’d just lost the man she loved and she had to stop grieving because of me.”
“I’m so sorry you felt that way. I would never—” he whispered.
“I know, but when I left and you didn’t try and stop me, somehow I convinced myself that you didn’t want me. I know how stupid and ridiculous it sounds; but at that moment, I truly thought you were over me.”
“How could you think that, Wilson?” Max asked as he searched for the answer to my long, drawn-out confession.
“I don’t know. I guess I thought somehow, some way, you’d come for me. And when you didn’t, I didn’t know how to deal with it...so I started to drink…with Nick. I drank a lot, more than I should have, and one thing led to another; I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to feel something other than alone. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. And before I knew it, I was kissing him. Max, I am so sorry.” I stopped breathing, waiting for him to interrupt again, but he
didn’t.
His eyes cased the room and locked on Cindy. For the first time since I’ve known her, Cindy stood speechless. It was like she was witnessing something much bigger than her high school antics. Maybe finally she recognized that what Max and I had was something real, that we truly loved one another. Without saying a word, she turned and climbed the stairs. Her work here was done.
Max came back to me, his eyes hollow with betrayal, his jaw taut with anger. I watched the edges of his ears rush with blood and his cheeks followed, becoming saturated in crimson. He dragged his hands back across the top of his head pulling his shiny, onyx-black hair off his forehead and away from his eyes. I stood there, a prisoner of his pain, shackled, as I waited for him to say something. I deserved whatever was going to blast from his mouth.
He cleared his throat, “I came here today willing and ready to take you home with me. I came here to tell you that I resigned from Wesley this morning. I needed you to know that I wasn’t planning on finishing the year as your teacher, but as your boyfriend. But I didn’t expect to be blindsided like this.”
I took a step toward him, and this time it was he who took a step back. My heart plunged into my gut.
What did I expect? That he was going to forgive me and we’d be back together? I guess I did. In some small corner of my heart, I wanted to believe he’d be able to forgive me.
“Max—”
“Don’t, Wilson,” he spat as he looked over at Nick then down at me. “I can’t do this right now. I have to go,” he groused as he walked past me and toward the front door.
I felt my feet slam hard against the hardwood floor as I chased after him. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted to argue my point. But he pulled the huge, mission-style door open and the freezing cold air encased me, drowning me in despair.
“Max!” I screamed as I stepped out onto the Browlers’ massive porch. My bare feet stuck to the bitter cold granite and every inch of my exposed skin became victim to the sub-freezing temperature. I inhaled to scream for him again but the frigid Aspen air stole my words and sliced my throat.
He was already down the steps when he looked back at me. His expression was desolate, his heart shattered, and his body caving, all evidence of my betrayal. Oh my God, I broke him. He turned, got in his car, and sped away. I watched as his tail lights disappeared into the night and the cold fog of the evening swallowed him up.
It was real; he was gone. My legs gave in to my weight and my knees slammed hard against the granite porch. My tears stung and needled my cheeks as they mingled with the freezing air. I rocked back and forth toward the driveway as bellowing moans boomed from deep within my body and the rush of the blistering night vanished.
Finally, I thrust my head against the porch, folding in half as the cold granite bit at my forehead. My hands wrapped tightly across the back of my head, blocking the sides of my face and covering my ears. Despite the cold, my hair clung to my cheeks and down my neck, wet with sweat. Joanie pressed against my back. Her hushed whispers were nothing more than feeble attempts to replace what I had lost. There was nothing she could do to help me. For the second time in my life, I was abandoned…on a doorstep.
Epilogue
I rolled down the windows in my car and made sure that every fucking ounce of heat that radiated from my body disappeared. I wanted to get totally numb. I didn’t want to feel the sting of coming home without Wilson. I sped through the mountainous roads, feeling my body push and pull with every bend and turn. But nothing matched the pressure of having to listen to my girlfriend confess that she’d kissed someone else while I was burying my father. God, I just want to fucking hit something until it hurts as bad as I do. I slammed the heel of my hand against the steering wheel over and over again, but it didn’t help.
Urghhh, I blew it. Why didn’t I stop her from getting in his car? I should have fought for her. I knew it! He was just sitting back, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on her. From the first day I met him, I knew he was a snake. He was waiting for an opportunity to sink his fangs into her. He knew we were together…
Visions of Nick with my girlfriend filled my mind—his hands touching and stroking her soft skin; his mouth pressing against hers; and his tongue sliding into her mouth, kissing her! I wonder if she looked at him the same way she looked at me. Did he make her shiver the same way I did? Did he make her lose her breath when he’d push up against her? Stop it! Stop, fucking torturing yourself.
He got her drunk and she was lonely. Worst combination ever! Shit…what if they…don’t think about it. She said she just kissed him. If it was more than that, she would have said they made out or something like that. What does Wilson see in that guy? Does he give her something that I can't?
I trusted her. I let her in and she kicked me when I was down. My dad just died, for God's sake. But how could she have thought we were over? Doesn’t she know I’d do anything for her? I love her.
I had to pull over on the side of the road and stop driving. Images of Wilson splashed across my mind and my feelings for her drilled deep in my gut. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I loved hearing her laugh as we lay tangled in a pile on the ice rink. How cute her scowl was when she learned she’d lost the pool game to my dad with just an eight ball, and how inviting her glistening skin was when she let me make love to her for the first time. I couldn’t shake the image of her face as that snake drove away with her—how devastated she was when I let him take her from me. I saw the hope in her eyes vanish. Goddamn it, why didn’t I recognize it? But she made her decision—drunk or not, she chose to cheat on me. I let her leave with ‘him,’ thinking I was protecting her…and she cheated on me.
Well come on, Max. You knew a relationship with her was going to be intense. How could it not be?
Wilson was like the splash of water I needed to control the fire that raged inside me. She wouldn’t hesitate to reach into the blazing flames and save me from being left in the ashes. She was the only person who found the one place within me that nobody else could. It was demoralizing to think that, after my dad died, she was going to see that part of me that she wouldn’t like. So I let her go, let her leave, and it brought me to my knees.
I hate my dad for dying, I hate that I hurt Wilson, I hate that Nick even touched her.
I stared out into the darkness. I could feel the clouds of loneliness creep around my car and begin to fill my heart. I should just let it consume me all over again. Why not? Being there was so much more comforting than the searing emotion of losing Wilson. I felt the pressure of everything crash down on top of me. My eyes went damp and my airway closed. Every muscle in my face clung to the possibility of keeping my cool…but I couldn’t. The despair rolled over me. It was so much easier to give up. Shrink back into the black hole that kept me safe, alone.
Out of nowhere, the image of Wilson all alone on the porch as I drove away hammered me. Her drawn, blue eyes red and swollen from crying, her blonde hair pulled loosely off her face. Her lips were quivering, waiting for me to taste them, but I didn’t. Fire raged in my gut, burning me from the inside out, but I couldn’t bring myself to make her okay. I couldn’t find any words to make what she’d done justifiable. Her chest heaved, loaded with apologies she wished she could have had the strength to say. I didn’t let her. Suddenly she was an eight year old girl standing there, abandoned, and waiting for me to come back. My eyes burst open. Holy shit, what the hell did I do? Every hair on my body stood on end. The muscles across my chest flexed, and my lungs burned as I took a deep, shocking breath.
I knew her past. Knew the events in her childhood created every insecurity and every conviction she clung to. Nothing that she has ever done to me could even begin to hurt like what I just did to her. I promised her, the day she finally let me in, that I would never abandon her. But I did; I left her alone, on the porch, just like her mother did. I gave her no explanation, no words. I just got in my car and drove away.
I pulled on the steering wheel and flipped a U-
turn, hoping that I was close enough to the Browlers’ cabin that I’d find her still on the porch. I wanted to work it out. Whatever came up between us, I didn’t want to lose her. I sped back as fast as I could, the car swaying and hugging the curves. I pulled back down through the gate, and when I reached the point where I could see the Browlers’ porch, I noticed it was vacant—Wilson wasn’t standing there. She wasn’t where I wished she’d be. The car rolled slowly, all the way to the edge of the steps. I put it in park and sat idling for a moment. In my frantic attempt to get back, I didn’t plan out how I was going to bust in and fight for her.
What if, by leaving, all I did was drive her straight into ‘his’ arms, again? Damn it, I just gave him another opportunity to make a move on Wilson. I have to find the strength in my words to tell her no matter what happens…I love her and always will.
I threw the car door open and Aspen’s winter chill swirled around my body, slicing across my exposed skin like razorblades. It forced me to feel the reality of being completely separated from Wilson. The glow from the porch lit my way back to her…and yet I couldn’t convince my feet to hit the pavement. I can’t get over her kissing him. Will I ever be able to look at her without flashes of Nick Browler’s slithery hands all over her body? Can I handle him kissing Wilson and touching her skin just days after she made love to me?
I know what happened between us was a culmination of really messed-up situations. When Wilson left with Nick, I shut down and a cold, recognizable darkness creep back into my life; the same darkness that consumed me when Mallory killed herself. I lost every last desire to fight for anything. It took years, and everything I had, to realize it wasn’t my fault she killed herself.
All it took was thousands of miles between me and my past, and the most beautiful girl I ever saw, to make me realize I had a future. Oh man, the first time I watched Wilson roam into my room—that was it...I had to swallow hard to remove my heart from my throat. My eyes, God, they burned so bad, stinging because I forgot to blink. It was like something inside me clicked and I finally had a spark to live again. It only took a weekend in Aspen for my world became tangible. It was her kiss, her caress, and how her body reacted to my touch that kept me going. When she wasn’t with me I craved her breath and how it would roll across my skin as she spoke. It was her voice that created the chills that chased down and obliterated any fear of being discovered. When I was with her, I forgot life outside even existed. She made me feel strong again. Like suddenly I was the man I was supposed to be.
Wilson Mooney Eighteen at Last Page 26