by Amber Garza
But I knew it wasn’t that easy. I could never outrun the memories no matter how hard I tried. And believe me, I had.
The bus stop came into view, and my heart stuttered in my chest. This was it. Time for a new beginning. As I took deliberate steps forward, I wondered if I could really do it this time. Would my attempt be successful or would I end up right back where I started?
Swallowing hard, I stepped into the line. A couple got in behind me, wedging me in. The family in front of me was loud as they chatted with one another. I scratched at my wrist, feeling itchy all over. I hated crowds. It made me claustrophobic. The man behind me bumped me with his elbow, and I curled into myself like a piece of origami, wishing I could transform like that. Change my shape and become something else. What would I want to be? A swan. Definitely a swan.
When I was little, I read a book about an ugly duckling becoming a swan. At the time it had given me hope that things could change. That maybe it was possible to alter your destiny. Life had ruined that idealistic view for me. But every once in awhile I’d feel a glimmer of hope.
The line moved forward. I looked up at the board above the ticket counter, at all the potential places I could go. My chest constricted. I’d never set out on my own before. A bud of panic took root in my stomach and started to bloom slowly, like a flower opening up. The petals fluttered inside of me. It was my turn. Forcing myself to breathe, I stepped forward.
I could do this. I wouldn’t let fear hold me back this time.
TWO
I pressed my face to the cold window, clutching my backpack in my lap as the bus rattled along the road. The effects of the meth I snorted earlier started to wane, and a headache pricked behind my eyes. My stomach rolled, and I dug my fingernails into the fabric of my backpack. Weariness swept over me as I crashed from my high.
“Where are you headed?” This was the second time the woman sitting next to me had tried to make conversation.
I wished she’d shut the hell up. Most people knew to leave me alone when I was coming down from a high. Not that I was ever a friendly person, but when I was coming down I was an outright bitch. But when I turned to the woman, I bit back a snarky remark. She had that whole sweet grandmotherly look down in her flowery top, velour pants and white Velcro shoes. Her hair was curled like she just went to the beauty shop, and she smiled her bright coral lips at me warmly. I used to have a grandma like this. She was maybe the only person who ever tried to help me. If she were still alive she would probably assist me now.
The woman stared at me, her eyes shifting to the right side of my face. I waited for the usual signs of horror – the eyebrow raise, the frown, the grimace, the furrow. But she did none of those things, and for that reason alone I decided not to be a total bitch.
“Red Blossom,” I answered, like I knew something about the place. In truth, I’d never heard of Red Blossom. That’s why I chose it. The lady at the bus stop counter had said that it was a small town in the middle of nowhere. It sounded perfect. After living in a city all of my life, the quiet would be a nice change. I’d always wanted to live out in the country, without traffic and noise. Besides, Heath would never look for me there. I was sure he’d never heard of the small town either, and he would never assume that’s where I’d go.
I thought about going all the way to Oregon or Washington. But it was winter, and I wouldn’t survive the cold. I didn’t have the clothes for it. Most likely I’d have to sleep on the streets until I found a job and a place to stay, so I needed to be somewhere with similar weather to what I was used to. I’d survived the streets before, and I could again. Even more so in a place where no one knew me; where I wouldn’t have to constantly look over my shoulder.
“Ah, that’s the end of the line,” the woman replied. “I’m getting off in Lodi. Visiting my daughter and son-in-law and my grandkids.”
I nodded, trying to imagine the kind of life this woman lived. A life with children she adored, and grandchildren to play with. It was a life I’d never known, and it made my stomach hurt. Then again, my stomach could have been hurting because I’d been high for days and hadn’t eaten anything.
As if on cue, my tummy growled. I drew my backpack tighter into my body, and stared back out the window. Trees and fields blurred past until it looked like green paint splashed on a blue canvas. My eyes drooped. I leaned my head back into the vinyl seat and closed my eyes, allowing myself to succumb to the sleep that had eluded me for days.
When I awoke the old woman was gone, vanished as if she’d never been here. The seat beside me was empty, thank god. It was quiet, save for some snoring and heavy breathing. I glanced around to the few passengers left, most of them sleeping. I stretched my legs, working out the kinks, and released my death grip on my backpack. Since no one was next to me, I set the backpack down, resting my open palm on it. I squinted and pinched the bridge of my nose in an effort to soothe my terrible headache. My stomach churned, and my mouth filled with moisture. I cursed myself for not stealing some drugs. There was no way I would survive without them. Regret lodged in my throat, making it hard to swallow. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to do this. I wondered if I should go back, until I caught my reflection in the window like a transparent head floating against the dark night sky. My battered face stared back at me, reminding me why I couldn’t return. Drugs or no drugs, I couldn’t. He would kill me next time. I was sure of it. I had no choice but to leave.
I was surprised when the bus driver announced our arrival in Red Blossom. I must have been asleep for a long time. Snatching up my backpack, I strapped it on and stepped out into the aisle. The few others passengers all filed out as well. Our feet pounded on the ground with each step. When I emerged from the bus, I shivered against the cold. Finding a nearby bench, I set my backpack down, and with trembling fingers yanked open the zipper. My fingertips brushed over my jacket, and I tugged it out. It’s thin so it didn’t offer as much warmth as I had hoped for, but it was all I had. Teeth chattering, I pulled my backpack over my shoulders and walked forward into the quiet night. The other passengers were greeted by family members or friends and ushered to awaiting cars, leaving me all alone.
Silence surrounded me and darkness swallowed me whole. Having no idea where to go, I just started walking. The lady at the counter was right. The town was in the middle of nowhere. All around me was nothing but fields. Other than the gas station and a little grocery store, I hadn’t passed anything but vast expanses of land, and a couple of houses. And they looked nothing like the houses in the city. They were set back from the road and were miles from other houses. In the city the homes were all crowded, one on top of the other.
The longer I walked down the road, the more tired and sick I became. Shit. Withdrawals were already setting in and it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours. My desire for the drug burned through my body, running through my veins. Biting my lip, I fingered the bottom of my jacket, digging my fingernails into the flesh of my wrist. The headache had spread behind my eyes and down my neck. I continued walking forward, even though all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sleep forever.
The road was deserted, open fields surrounding me. Cows filled the field to my right, but to my left it was completely empty, nothing but tall weeds and yellow grass as far as I could see. I crossed the street and hopped the barbed wire fence. My tennis shoes hit the yellow grass and I picked up my pace. Maybe I could find a large tree to lay behind. I had a t-shirt in my bag that I could ball up and use for a pillow. All I knew was that I had to rest.
It didn’t look like there were any hotels nearby, and I couldn’t make it much further. Besides, I only had a little over a hundred dollars left, and I would probably need it for food or something. I couldn’t spend it all on one night in a hotel room. That would be stupid.
Tomorrow I would look for a job. Glancing down at my torn jeans and t-shirt, I winced. Who was I kidding? No one would hire me looking like this. Was I fooling myself to think this would work? The impossibility of m
y situation slammed into me, making it difficult to breathe. A barn came into view, and I froze. The barn doors were open, and inside it appeared to be dark and empty. One of the doors swung in the slight breeze, creaking on its hinges. I moved forward, stepping inside. Some hay was piled in the corner, but other than that it looked like no one used the barn for anything. I rubbed my arms with my hands, trembling in the cold.
It wasn’t much warmer inside the barn than outside, but at least if I stayed in here I wouldn’t be exposed. I unhooked the straps of my backpack and dropped it onto the floor. After pulling the barn door closed, I sank to the ground. Unzipping my backpack, I pulled all the clothes I owned out of it. Taking the t-shirt, I balled it up to make a pillow. I put my other pair of pants under my butt to keep the cold from seeping through from the frozen floor. Then I pulled my socks onto my hands, using them as mittens. Feeling a little warmer, I rested my head on my shirt and closed my eyes. I would worry about the rest in the morning. For now I would sleep and hope that the nightmares stayed away.
Barking sounded in the distance, causing me to stir. My eyelids fluttered, but I squeezed them closed. My body was sore from yesterday’s beating, my mouth felt like it was filled with cotton, and my head hammered. The barking neared me, and I stiffened. When had someone gotten a dog? I didn’t think they were allowed in our building. The scent of wood and hay wafted under my nose, and I sprung my eyes open, taking in my surroundings. Memories from last night crashed over me like a strong wave, and I sighed.
A part of me was relieved to not be in the apartment with Heath, while the other part was terrified. What the hell was I going to do now? I couldn’t live in a deserted barn forever. One of the barn doors pushed open slightly. I inhaled sharply as a dog stuck his head in. Holding my breath, I stayed as still as a statue. Maybe if I didn’t move he’d leave.
Wishful thinking. Wagging his tail, he stealthily crawled forward, sniffing the ground. As he neared me I sat up. He let out a loud bark, and I inched toward the wall, tucking my knees up to my chest.
“Edgar!” A man’s voice startled me.
I jumped backward, slamming my head against the side of the barn. The dog barked louder, and I shushed him desperately.
Waving my hands frantically I said, “No, go!” The last thing I needed was to be spotted by this dog’s owner. Much to my dismay the dog stayed put, wagging his tail and watching me with large brown eyes. He barked again, baring his sharp teeth.
“Edgar? There you are.” A man stepped inside the barn, his eyes on the dog. He hadn’t noticed me yet, and I froze, praying he wouldn’t. Kneeling down, he pet the dog’s long, brown fur. I’d never had a dog and didn’t know anything about them, so I wasn’t sure what kind it was. But as it licked the man’s face I found myself wishing I had known that kind of love and loyalty. The man stood, his knees cracking. His head lifted, his gaze resting on me.
When his eyes collided with mine, all the air left me. It was like my body was a helium balloon and he was the pin. One puncture and it was all over. His gaze was like that. Like a needle jabbing me. It wasn’t the fact that his eyes were a silver color I’d never seen before. It was the intensity behind them. It was the fact that I could see into his very soul. I was being sucked in like Alice in the rabbit hole, but I couldn’t fight it. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
“Hi.” His voice was rich and low with a slight rasp to it. A woodsy smell like pine needles and leather rose from him as he reached up, running his fingers through his ear-length, wavy blond hair. He wore a white button-down shirt and a pair of jeans. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. He had the build of someone who did manual labor, yet the way he was dressed and the way he carried himself told me otherwise.
“Hi,” I responded softly. Dropping my gaze, I allowed my hair to fall like a curtain over my scars. I knew he’d already seen them, but he didn’t react at all. It was weird. Most people at least let their gaze linger on that side of my face a little longer than on the other. Even the woman on the bus had done that. But he had stared at me head-on, as if both sides were identical.
“What are you doing here?” His question didn’t sound accusatory, more curious.
“I-I-I’m sorry. Is this your barn?” I asked.
When he nodded, I hoisted myself up to a standing position. “I thought it was abandoned. I just needed a place to stay for the night.” I started to reach for my backpack when I noticed my hands were still encased in my socks. How humiliating. Hurriedly, I peeled them off.
His gaze dropped to my hands, then to the floor where my clothes were strewn about. He furrowed his brows, lines forming in the creases. “No, that’s fine.”
With trembling hands, I gathered up all my other belongings and shoved them in my backpack. I was shaking so badly that it took several tries. The withdrawals were getting worse. Feeling itchy, I scratched the top of my arm through my shirt while licking my dry lips. Once I put my backpack on, the man held out a hand to me.
“I’m Kyler.”
Surprised, I stared at the hand he offered. Tentatively I took his hand in mine. I contemplated giving him a fake name, but then thought better of it. What’s it going to matter anyway? “Jade.”
“Jade, that’s a nice name.”
“Thanks.” I wondered how old Kyler was. He looked to be around my age, somewhere in his early twenties, but he talked like someone much older, more refined.
“Where will you go now?” he asked.
Bothered by his question, I shook my head and licked my lips once again. Why the hell were they so dry? My whole body was trembling by now, and I was sure Kyler noticed. It was so obvious I was a junkie. He was probably going to head back to his house and call the authorities the minute I left.
I had no intention of telling him my plans, so I slipped into what I was comfortable with. Sarcasm, and a whole lot of “I don’t give a shit” attitude. Shrugging, I lifted my chin. “Maybe I’ll join the circus. Do you have one in town? Maybe they need more freaks in their freak show. Perhaps a girl with only one half of a face? I bet the kids will love that. They’d come from miles around to see me, I’m sure of it.” When I made these kind of self-depreciating jokes around Heath or his friends they would laugh, join in and add their own jokes. But Kyler didn’t even crack a smile. Instead he touched his finger to his chin, studying me with rapt attention.
“There’s no circus in town,” he answered deadpan. “Besides, I don’t think they’d want you anyway.”
His words shocked me. “W-what? Why not?” I sputtered, feeling attacked.
“Well, for one, you’re not a freak. And for two, you do not have a half a face. You have an entire face. I’m looking right at it.”
Biting my lip, I looked at my feet. “Are you blind?”
“Are you?” he countered.
I bit my lip, unsure of what to do. This man made my head spin.
“Unless you have some other talent you can offer.” He spread out his hands, while his dog continued to pant by his side. “Can you walk a tightrope, do acrobatics, ride on an elephant?”
“You’re mocking me now.” I crossed my arms over my chest sourly. Edgar barked again.
Kyler chuckled, a low grumbly sound that I felt deep in my bones. It wasn’t the kind of laugh Heath or any of my other boyfriends had. This felt good, like he was laughing with me, not at me. I’d never understood that phrase before. “I thought that’s what we were doing. Joking around. Surely you weren’t serious about the circus.” He raised an eyebrow. “But if you were, follow me.”
My insides twisted. “Why? You really do have a circus in town?”
“No, but my house is right over this hill and we can use my computer to research where the nearest one is.” With an open palm, he pressed open the barn door and stepped outside. Bright sunlight spilled in, painting a stripe of yellow on the ground.
I stayed rooted in place for a minute, wondering if I should trust this stranger. Was it a good idea to follow him to his house? Wasn�
��t this how girls got abducted…or worse? The minute the thought left my head, I almost laughed out loud. What could be worse than what I’d already endured?
The contents of my backpack shifted as I moved, reminding me of the knife inside. Knowing it was there gave me comfort. If he tried anything I could use it to defend myself.
“You coming?” Kyler asked.
I knew I hadn’t always been the best judge of character, but for some reason I trusted Kyler. As I stepped out of the barn, into the bright morning sunshine, I hoped he wouldn’t let me down.
Author Note and Acknowledgments
After writing BREAK FREE, I wasn’t sure I’d ever like two characters as much as Jade and Kyler. But I have to say that Carter and Aspen really grew on me. It took me some time to get to know them and to connect with them. It wasn’t instant like it was with Jade and Kyler, but when it happened it was spectacular.
Writing Aspen’s story was hard for me. It was difficult to even imagine the horror a child must feel at being held captive. When I write scenes I truly experience what my characters do, so it was awful to have to write the scenes at Kurt’s house. I would sometimes have to take breaks and regroup afterward. But I felt it was pivotal to understanding Aspen, so I pressed on.
Carter was refreshing to write. I find that I love writing the sensitive male. The gentlemen, the scholar, the good guy. Not only are they fun to write, but they’re exactly the kind of guy I hope my daughter ends up. Not that bad boys aren’t fun to read about it, but let’s face it, in real life no one wants their daughter to end up with the bad boy.
So girls, hold out for your Carter. For a guy whose love will heal you; make you whole. A guy who will be patient with you, and let you dictate what you are comfortable with or not. A guy who is sensitive and gives you what you need. And if he’s an amazing photographer who helps you see yourself in a new light, even better.