by Amy Chan
Chances are the emotional experience you had in your last relationship is pretty similar to the one before.
The common denominators are your patterns.
Your breakup is a shake-up, necessary for you to finally unearth all the things that have been stopping you from creating a healthy love for yourself, first and foremost. Think about it—no one person can make you feel the intensity of emotion you are feeling. If you feel worthless after your breakup, the ex didn’t have the power to make you that way. There are likely layers upon layers of feelings of unworthiness going back decades. If after a breakup you feel utterly abandoned, is it possible that there were deep fears of abandonment lurking in your heart? This is what your reactions are trying to tell you. Your ex simply ripped the bandage off an old wound that’s been waiting to be healed. Now is your chance.
YOUR GRIEF IS SACRED
Even if you know that there’s a silver lining and that eventually you’ll move on, breakups still hurt. You are totally allowed to feel those feelings; they are all natural.
I’m sure you wish there were just some magic pill you could take to make it all go away, but the reality is it is here, past your comfort zone, where growth happens.
Feeling a range of emotions, from the dark to the light, is the gift of being human. Feeling deeply expands your emotional range. Your pain is a gift. Your grief is sacred. It is in that pain where you have the chance to reconnect with yourself.
2
How You Attach is Why You’re Unattached
You are absolutely worthy of love. You are made of love and you don’t need someone to trigger you into it by their unavailability.
Damien Bohler
This book is not written to help you get rid of your pain. It’s to teach you how to process it, grow from it, and even respect it. Welcome to the process of evolution: Entropy. Chaos. Order. Rebirth.
Of course, when you’re in the midst of breakdown, it’s not so easy to see that pain is the messenger of wisdom, as in the case of Priya:
“It’s been seven hours and he still hasn’t replied to my text or call!” Priya yelled into the phone as soon as I picked up.
Priya was a participant at Renew Breakup Bootcamp who had stayed on as a coaching client. I’d given her permission to call me when she felt like she was spiraling out of control. This was one of those times.
“I’ve been trying to connect with him and he seems so distant. He’s clearly not that into me. I just don’t think he can meet my needs. I can’t do this anymore.”
Priya is a catch in most every way—she has a successful career, owns her apartment in downtown Vancouver, and has many loving friends. For five months, Priya had been dating Sarf, who had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship and was trying to take things slow. When he took too long to text her back, Priya would work herself into a rage, creating complicated story lines in her head that would perpetuate her belief that she would be abandoned and rejected, as she had been in her last relationship. She would then punish Sarf by strategically calculating the number of hours she’d let pass before texting him back and start flirting with other guys to take the edge off.
“He’s avoiding me. He’s lost interest. I know it,” she sobbed.
Welcome to the mind of someone with an anxious attachment style. With a deep-rooted fear of rejection and abandonment, Priya would react to any potential indicator of disinterest by lashing out. This is classic “protest behavior,” a characteristic common in someone with this type of attachment style.
Our attachment system is a mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our caregivers as children and eventually, our romantic partners as adults. Attachment theory suggests that by the age of five, we develop a primary attachment style that will define the way we romantically bond and attach to others in our adult lives.1 Research shows that regardless of culture or geography, adults fall into one of three primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, and anxious.
ATTACHMENT THEORY
Our brain controls the attachment system, which monitors and regulates our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). As infants, our brain grows and develops in response to our earliest love relationships, and as we get older, our brain actively works to connect/attach us to our loved ones based on our earliest responses.2 These first interactions teach us if we can depend on loving responses from another to help us maintain our emotional balance.3
When parents are sensitively attuned to the needs of their baby, a secure attachment is likely to develop.4 The child learns that her primary caregiver is available and attentive to her needs and grows up being able to attach in a healthy way with her romantic partners. Securely attached children grow up better able to regulate their emotions and tend to be more empathic and caring than those who are insecurely attached.5 They learn to reach for closeness when needed and trust that they will be offered comfort, safety, and care. They are not consumed with worry or anxiety that their needs won’t be met or that they will be ignored or abandoned.
In contrast, when parents are not attuned to their baby, or are distant, intrusive, or inconsistent in their caregiving, the child adapts by developing defensive attachment strategies and coping mechanisms in an attempt to feel safe and to modulate intense emotional states.6 In these cases an anxious attachment style may develop, resulting in the child growing up feeling a lack of safety and a deep fear of abandonment with her romantic partners.
Lastly, if parents enmeshed their child by putting their own needs onto the child, such as living vicariously through the child’s achievements or being overly controlling or smothering, the child may develop an avoidant attachment style. The enmeshed child grows up to become fiercely independent at the expense of emotional closeness with her partner.
Attachment styles shape the mental models in how we regulate emotions and guide our expectations in love and relationships as adults. At every age, we are hardwired to habitually seek and maintain closeness both emotionally and physically with at least one person. This tendency is amplified when we feel uncertain, stressed, or anxious.
* * *
EXERCISE: Attachment Quiz
By understanding the different attachment styles, you can identify the triggers that cause you (or future partners) to feel suffocated by intimacy or deprived of it. Take this quick quiz to determine which attachment style best describes you.
Instructions:
Using a scale of 0 (strongly disagree) to 10 (strongly agree), rate each statement from each category below based on how you identify with it.
For each statement, assign points based on the value of your score. For example, assign 4 points to a statement that you rated as a 4.
When you have completed each category, total the scores from each statement to find your category score.
CATEGORY I
* * *
I’m afraid I will be abandoned or rejected.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I am usually yearning for more connection from my partner.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I start to panic when I do not hear from my partner.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I tend to disclose too much information too soon when I first start dating someone.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I count the hours that it takes for the person I like to text/call me.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
When the person I like doesn’t reply to me quickly enough, I want to punish him.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I’m
constantly thinking about a romantic partner, pining over him, fantasizing about him, or obsessing over him.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I tend to act clingy or needy with my romantic partner.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I tend to base my self-worth and identity on my partner’s validation of me.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I get completely devastated after a breakup, even if the relationship was short.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
Category I points:_____
CATEGORY II
* * *
I’m afraid that too much intimacy will take away my freedom and independence.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I feel easily smothered by romantic partners.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I have a hard time being in touch with/talking about my feelings.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I have a hard time being vulnerable and opening up to others.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
Having to depend on others makes me feel uncomfortable.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
If a partner tries to push for commitment, I feel pressure and want to withdraw.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I tend to focus on the imperfections of a new partner within the first few months of dating and usually end it.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I tend to feel suffocated in relationships.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I tend to chase people with an impossible future.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I need a lot of alone time and time away from my partner.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
Category II points:_____
CATEGORY III
* * *
I’m comfortable with emotional intimacy.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I feel comfortable giving and receiving love.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I trust that I can count on others and others can count on me.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
When a conflict with my partner arises, I communicate and work through the problem.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I feel comfortable expressing my needs.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I feel comfortable communicating my boundaries.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I respect my partner’s privacy and boundaries.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I tend to trust my partner and my partner’s feelings for me.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
I’m comfortable with commitment.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
When I’m upset, I am able to self-soothe and get myself back to equilibrium relatively easily.
STRONGLY DISAGREE
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
STRONGLY AGREE
Category III points:_____
Total Points
Category I:_____
Category II:_____
Category III:_____
If you scored highest in Category I, your attachment type is anxious.
If you scored highest in Category II, your attachment type is avoidant.
If you scored highest in Category III, your attachment type is secure.
SECURE ATTACHMENT
About half the population has a secure attachment style, meaning they are comfortable with intimacy but are not codependent. These are people who had consistent caregiving and soothing as children, which helps a young, developing brain and nervous system form in a way that enables them to function during times of stress. The child grows up to be a secure, functional adult who can self-soothe—the hallmark of a securely attached adult.7 People who feel secure as children grow up more likely to feel secure with their romantic partners as adults.
The securely attached do not define their identity or self-esteem on their lover’s reinforcement. They don’t have major abandonment issues, know inherently that they are worthy of love, and can give and receive care comfortably. The securely attached aren’t as sensitive to the negative cues of the world and can keep an even emotional keel in the face of a threat with more ease than those with insecure attachment styles. During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or punish their partner. Also, the securely attached are not threatened by criticism and are willing to reconsider their ways and compromise. Research suggests that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style. Two secure partners have the most stable relationship and are more likely to live happily together even if they endure significant life stress.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
An avoidant attachment is characterized by a desire for a high degree of independence to avoid getting too intimate with another. Emotional intimacy triggers feelings of discomfort and often suffocation, so avoidants find it hard to trust and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Often avoidants associate “love” with duty or work. They subconsciously suppress their attachment system and create situations to leave or sabotage close relationships. They have a pattern of connecting and then pulling away as soon as the relationship feels too intense.
A significant amount of research suggests that an avoidant attachment is the outcome of emotionally unavailable, chaotic, or unresponsive parents. Here are some common scenarios that can result in a child developing an avoidant attachment:
Parents expect premature independence from their children, discouraging crying and emotional expression. The child learns to cope by suppressing her natural desire to seek out a parent for comfort when in pain, frightened, or hurt, out of a fear of rejection, disappointment, or punishment.
Parents shame the child into silence as a way of diminishing their own emotional chaos and stress, thereby disempowering the child.
Parents reverse the roles and expect the child to become the caretaker or therapist, thereby falsely empowering the child and causing her to grow up seeing intimacy as a job.
Parents are overly smothering and are mis-attuned to their child’s needs, possibly because they too have an insecure attachment style and are misreading their child’s cues.
Parents do not have personal boundaries and unconsciously (or consciously) rely on the child to fulfill their needs. The child feels “responsible” for her caregiver’s happiness and, in some cases, survival. In this scenario, the child loses all sense of self and starts to believe that self-esteem is directly related to how much she takes care of other people.
As
adults, avoidants subconsciously equate intimacy with a loss of independence. They idealize self-sufficiency and feel pressured easily. It is challenging for avoidants to be aware of their own feelings, and they have a tendency to move away instead of through their feelings of discomfort and fear. Consequently, they may start to pull away from or leave their partners instead of discussing their emotions.
Avoidants are quick to think negatively about their partners, seeing them as needy and overly dependent. They tend to feel deep-rooted aloneness, even when in a relationship. When someone gets too close, avoidants subconsciously turn to “deactivating strategies”—tactics used to squelch intimacy. Examples include:
Choosing to not get involved in a close relationship because of a subconscious fear of rejection.
Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date or a trip).
Keeping things in the gray area to avoid commitment and maintain feelings of independence.
Avoiding physical closeness or withholding affection such as hugging, kissing, or holding hands.