Breakup Bootcamp

by Amy Chan

  If you just state a new belief that is the complete polar opposite of your old one, your brain will simply reject it because you inherently don’t think it’s true. It takes shifting a few degrees to get yourself comfortable with a slightly evolved belief and, once you have a new baseline, going back again and again. Remember, you’re climbing a ladder.

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  EXERCISE: Create Your Ladder

  Examine the list on the next two pages and circle any of the beliefs that apply to you. Feel free to add beliefs that aren’t on the list in the blank spaces.

  Me

  I’m worthless.

  I’ll always be alone.

  It’s my fault.

  I’m not pretty enough/good enough/skinny enough.

  I should have known. I should have done something sooner.

  If only I were X, it would have worked out.

  No one will ever love me.

  I have to find someone to be happy.

  I should be over it by now.

  I shouldn’t be so upset.

  I can’t live without my ex.

  I can’t handle this.

  I’ll never meet anyone else.

  I can’t be alone.

  I can’t ever trust anyone else.

  I’m unlovable.

  I’m not enough.

  I’m too much.

  I will be abandoned.

  I will be rejected.

  I have no time.

  I am not safe.

  * * *

  * * *

  * * *

  Others/The World

  I can’t rely on anyone.

  People always let you down.

  Dating is impossible in X place/at X age/in my circumstances.

  All the good men are taken.

  He will take away my freedom.

  I can’t trust men.

  I’m never a priority to others.

  Love is painful.

  * * *

  * * *

  * * *

  The Future

  I’ll never find anyone.

  It never works out.

  I’ll never get over this.

  I’ll always be alone.

  * * *

  * * *

  * * *

  Review all the beliefs that you’ve circled. Choose one to work on for this exercise and create a ladder for that belief. Turn the idea from hurtful to helpful.

  In the first rung, write down your old, unhelpful belief. Ask yourself: Is this belief 100 percent true 100 percent of the time? Chances are the belief isn’t absolutely true. It’s important you realize this on your own so you can see that the assumption is not a hard fact, and what you used to believe can now change.

  In the second rung, update your belief with an assumption that is more honest and helpful. Think of a few examples of how this updated belief is true (either find evidence that perhaps you’ve overlooked in the past or think of scenarios where this might prove true in the future). Your updated belief should be one that pushes you just outside of your comfort zone, but not so far that you don’t believe it.

  In the third rung, write down your goal—what you aspire to believe so that you can ultimately create the life and love you want. You may not be there now, and perhaps you can’t even fathom how you’ll get there, and that’s okay. You’re writing this down so you have something to work toward. You can also add rungs in between to get you more and more ready to reach the top of the ladder.

  Rung 1: What I used to believe (your old belief).

  Rung 2: What I believe now (your updated belief)

  Rung 3: What I aspire to believe (your goal).

  Post this new, updated belief somewhere where you can see it often. Make it your phone screensaver, put it on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror, or repeat it as a daily mantra. Seek out examples of it being true. When you start to experience change, there’s a positive feedback loop, which starts the process of rewiring.

  Dr. Zendegui emphasizes that “thoughts not only impact what we feel, they also impact how we act. What we tell ourselves and the narrative we form about difficult situations can greatly impact how we cope, and saying unhelpful things to ourselves on repeat can impact our mood, behavior, and self-concept over time.”

  At the end of the changing beliefs session, Dr. Zendegui leads the women outside to wrap up the exercise. Feet on the grass, so they can feel grounded on the earth, the women form a circle. Each woman takes a turn standing in the center and states her new belief.

  It’s Karen’s turn: “There are many different types of men out there, and I’m open to meeting someone who is the right match for me.”

  The group then echoes her new belief to her in unison: “There are many different types of men out there, and you’re open to meeting someone who is the right match for you.”

  Karen looks around at the women smiling at her, silently cheering her on with loving glances. There’s something about hearing her new affirmation repeated to her by the supportive women of the group that’s undeniably soothing. There’s a tear in her eye. “Thank you,” she says as she nods her head in acknowledgment and returns to her spot in the circle, ready to support the woman up next.

  Nancy: FROM “I AM NOT ENOUGH” TO “I PRIORITIZE MY OWN NEEDS FIRST”

  NANCY WAS A BAWSS BABE. A marketing executive at a national hospitality company, she had moved to New York City from Seattle for her husband, who worked in finance. Standing at five foot ten inches tall, with long brown hair and sparkling green eyes, she was beautiful and dressed like she had just stepped out of a Diane von Furstenberg ad. Since she was a little girl, Nancy excelled in everything she put her mind to. She was an achiever, a make-it-happener; she would do whatever it took to make everything perfect.

  Nancy had a pattern of overcompensating. She was always the one doing, while her partner would sit back without lifting a finger. This dynamic came to an abrupt halt when her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She could no longer act as Mrs. Perfect who kept it all together. Her husband couldn’t handle the change. Instead of supporting her through a rough time, he asked her, “When are you going to get back to normal?”

  That was the beginning of the end of their marriage.

  Nancy came to Renew to learn about her patterns so that she wouldn’t keep finding herself in relationships where she was the only one showing up. Upon digging into her subconscious beliefs, she uncovered that her limiting belief was “I am not enough.” That belief was the root of why, whether professionally or romantically, she would take on the role of doing all the work, overcompensating for the lack of effort from others and attempting to create perfection.

  Through the shifting beliefs exercise, Nancy realized that her needs were just as important as the needs of others, and her practice was to begin honoring her own needs. Her updated, more honest, more helpful belief became “I prioritize my own needs first.”

  I had a call with Nancy six months after she came to Renew to see how things were going. She told me that since she’d left the retreat, her new belief had become a mantra that she’d repeat daily. She put her new belief on the screensaver of her phone and on a Post-it note on her mirror, and she would remind herself when she went on dates that her needs came first.

  She also shared with me a story about a man she’d recently dated:

  “We had chemistry and he was such a nice guy. But he made it clear he was just looking for fun and loved the bachelor life in New York.

  “Typically, I would have kept dating him, put his needs first in hopes that he would change and come around to wanting what I wanted—a relationship. But as much as I liked him, I told him that I was looking for someone interested in building a relationship, and if that wasn’t where he was at, that there were no hard feelings, but there’d be no point continuing dating.”

  Nancy was disappointed that it didn’t work out but was proud of herself for recognizing her needs and walking away from a situation that wasn’t set up to fulfill them.
Whereas before she would have kept trying to make it work with this man (as she had done in her first two marriages), she walked away before investing in another dead-end relationship.

  POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS ALONE DON’T WORK

  Change can only happen when thoughts are in alignment with the emotional state of the body.

  Dr. Joe Dispenza 7

  How many times have you been told to just “think positive” or to chant positive affirmations and you’ll manifest what you want? And . . . how many times has this actually worked?

  Affirmations are not a strategy for change. They only work for people who already believe them to be true. For those who have low self-esteem, repeating positive affirmations may make them feel worse.8 Your belief creates thoughts that in turn create an emotion. The belief is the cause agent that creates a ripple effect. It works like this.

  Belief → Thoughts → Chemical reactions → Emotions → Energy → Actions → How the world responds to your energy → Outcome

  If you’re constantly in a scarcity mindset—never feeling like you have enough—and feeling unworthy of love, you can repeat “I’m so lovable!” until you lose your voice, but the idea will not make it past your brain stem.

  But guess what? There’s a trick. You can actually outsmart your body by using visualization techniques to change your emotions.

  TURNING YOUR BELIEF INTO EXPERIENCE

  When we recount memories in an associated way—by reliving the memory in detail as if it’s happening again—our bodies can re-create the same stress hormones they did when the situation happened the first time. Yep, that’s why when we recount that terrible fight we had two years ago, our bodies re-create the same spikes of cortisol as if we’re fighting right here, right now.

  On a chemical level, our brain and body cannot distinguish between when we are remembering the past, experiencing the present, or imagining the future. Research has shown that the human nervous system “cannot tell the difference between an ‘actual’ experience and an experience imagined vividly and in detail.”9

  The bad news is if you keep recounting the negatives of the past over and over again, you can retraumatize yourself. But the good news is that you can also use your mind to trick your body into thinking something positive is happening, simply by using visualization.

  Research by bestselling author and scientist Dr. Joe Dispenza explores the intersection of neuroscience, epigenetics, and quantum physics to educate people on how to heal themselves of illnesses and even chronic conditions through shifting beliefs. His teachings suggest that we can use visualization to imagine a desired future experience as if it were already an accomplished fact, and the brain will accept it as if it were a real experience. Say what?!

  Let’s review a study that demonstrates this. A team of researchers from Harvard took a group and divided it in half. The first group practiced a five-finger piano exercise for two hours a day over a period of five days. The members of the second group did the same thing, but only in their minds, meaning they just imagined themselves doing the five-finger piano exercise for two hours a day over a period of five days. When the researchers scanned the brains of both groups after the exercise, the results showed all participants had created a significant number of new neural circuits and neurological programming in the part of the brain that controls finger movements. Let that sink in. The members of the second group that only imagined playing the piano also showed changes in the brain, even though they never lifted a finger!10

  If you were to put that group in front of a piano after five days of visualization, most would be able to play the exercise they imagined, all because by practicing visualization, they installed the neurobiological hardware in preparation for the experience.

  Your nervous system cannot tell the difference between an imagined experience and a “real” experience. . . . Your nervous system reacts appropriately to what “you” think or imagine to be true.

  Maxwell Maltz11

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  EXERCISE: Visualize Your New Belief

  Let’s use visualization techniques to shift our beliefs about our relationships. The intention of this exercise is to imagine yourself with the updated belief you created in the ladder exercise and visualize how you feel and act differently in your environment. For example, if your belief started at “I am always rejected” and evolved to “I’m open to meeting new people and will lead with curiosity in my interactions,” you might imagine yourself talking to someone at a party, asking questions, smiling, and experiencing the positive feelings of building rapport. Or if your belief changed from “I can’t trust anyone” to “There are some people I can trust some of the time,” summon the feelings of warmth when you are with someone you know you can count on. Perhaps instead of your arms crossed, you have more relaxed and open body language. Whatever your updated belief, this is a practice of playing with possibility and visualizing how your experience changes.

  Take the new updated belief you created in the ladder exercise. Next, find a quiet spot and get grounded by doing deep breathing. Close your eyes and imagine yourself walking into a room with your updated belief. How are you standing? What is your facial expression?

  Visualize the entire scene. Who’s there with you? What’s the expression on their face? How are people responding to your energy differently? What are the colors, the smells, the sounds? Run though the scenario as if it’s happening right now and you are experiencing it firsthand. Now, check in with how you feel. What are the emotions coming up? Don’t forget to smile. Feel gratitude for this moment. Really let it soak in, along with the feelings associated with this new belief. Feel in your body that without a doubt this is your reality. When you’re completely immersed, slowly open your eyes.

  According to Dr. Dispenza, once we immerse ourselves in the scene of what we want to create, using imagination to evoke how we would feel as if we’re experiencing it in real time, changes begin to take place in our brain.12

  Each time we do this, we’re laying down new neurological tracks (in the present moment) that literally change our brain to look like the brain of our future. In other words, the brain starts to look like the future we want to create has already happened.

  Dr. Joe Dispenza

  By visualizing and mentally rehearsing how you’d engage differently with your updated belief, you’ve created new neural pathways in your brain. Now, the more you repeat and practice, the more you strengthen that new pathway.

  OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN

  When cleaning a room, it gets more messy before it gets orderly. The same is true of cleaning your mind. Often, as you begin the healing process, you will begin feeling the pain or shame that your dysfunctional behavior was protecting you from. But if you can tolerate those raw feelings and process them in a healthy way this time, then you will no longer need the dysfunctional behavior. It won’t have a purpose because there’s no longer any toxic shame or pain to avoid. At other times, a behavior or belief that you thought you defeated may rear its head again. Don’t get frustrated. Think of self-improvement as climbing a mountain. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re in the same place you started, but the truth is that you’ve climbed higher and you’re just looking at the same view.

  Neil Strauss

  Change is a process that requires gradual steps of progression, repeated and practiced, with room for error in between. Relapses are an inevitable part of that process. This is the sneaky li’l guy that can strike during any behavior change. When you have a relapse—perhaps you call your ex, see your ex, or hook up with you ex—you might freak out and think nothing has changed and you’re back at square one. You may experience feelings of disappointment, shame, and frustration. Don’t fret! Know that this is a part of the process, and instead of letting the relapse hijack your self-confidence, use self-compassion to get yourself back on your feet.

  You are not broken, nor do you need fixing! You’re just optimizing. Growth happens in the valleys. A positive attitude of resilience and
perseverance is required so that we do not get discouraged and abandon our efforts during the process.

  Author Linda Graham, who is an expert on the neuroscience of human relationships, notes: “It almost doesn’t matter at first how small the increment of change is. What’s important is that we choose practices that catalyze positive change and that we persevere.”13

  Resilience is not about perfecting each step; it’s about choosing to persevere even when you feel like you’ve fallen back a step.

  Change can happen in an instant. Results can take time to show up. In the moments when you feel overwhelmed, take a moment to reframe. Don’t focus on the end point, and instead, take stock of all the actions you’ve taken and the next attainable action you can take next. This helps you get process focused versus destination obsessed. If this next stage requires one hundred steps, remember that you can’t go from zero to a hundred. Just focus on the next step and then the next step after that. Even if you fall down or have days when you’re not making any movement at all, it doesn’t negate all the steps you’ve taken prior to this. Eventually the steps add up.

  Cindy

  CINDY HAD LEFT an abusive husband, and as a single mom at age twenty-eight, she had grand plans to go back to school and rebuild herself into the confident, adventurous woman she once was. But then she met Martin, a man who promised her the world. He promised he would take care of her and her son, and after a whirlwind romance, he moved in. But as months went by, Martin’s true character started to surface. She found out that he was a drug dealer. He became increasingly controlling, setting up a video camera in her living room, claiming it was for security reasons. He’d show up unexpectedly at her school to “drop off food,” when really he was monitoring her whereabouts. When she’d confront him on his controlling behavior, he’d turn things around and convince her that she was the one acting crazy. They kept breaking up and getting back together.