by Amy Chan
IS IT LOVE OR LIMERENCE?
“I’m a hopeless romantic. I fall hard and fast and always for the bad boy. I just don’t feel any chemistry with the nice guys.” Natalie desired the intensity of fresh romance. She thrived off the thrill that came with longing, with desiring what she couldn’t have, and felt high when her latest conquest would give her a little attention. She rationalized that this rush, and the crash that’d inevitably come afterward, was just her being “passionate.” If fantasizing were a sport, she’d win a gold medal. But Natalie’s longing wasn’t about love; it was about getting high. In fact, it’s textbook limerence.
First coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, “limerence” can be defined as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”6 Other terms that are often used interchangeably are “lovesick,” “infatuated,” or “love addicted.” Research indicates that the biochemical processes that contribute to limerence last between six months and two years on average. It’s not surprising that one study found that 70 percent of straight unmarried couples break up within the first year of dating.7 The chemical cocktail can often be so strong that it causes people to overlook fundamental differences in compatibility and values, and once the chemistry fades, the relationship has no glue to stay together. We will dive deeper into the chemistry of love later in this chapter, and I’d argue that at least some degree of limerence is necessary to get a relationship going. However, it’s helpful to see where on the spectrum you generally stand.
Signs of Limerence
Tennov identified the following core characteristics of limerence:
Idealization of the other person’s characteristics (positive and negative)
Uncontrollable and intrusive thoughts about the other person
Extreme shyness, stuttering, nervousness, and confusion around the other person
Fear of rejection and despair or thoughts of suicide if rejection occurs
A sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs of reciprocation
Fantasizing about or searching obsessively for signs of reciprocation (“reading into things”)
Being reminded of the person in everything around you
Replaying in your mind every encounter with the other person in great detail
Maintaining romantic intensity through adversity
Endlessly analyzing every word and gesture to determine its possible meaning
Rearranging your schedule to maximize the chances of seeing the other person8
Just because you have strong feelings for someone does not mean there is an actual connection. When you are in a high state of limerence, you are more susceptible to creating a fantasy about a person, becoming addicted to a person, or intensifying your feelings toward a person before the relationship has realistically progressed.
Remember, for a relationship to develop, both parties need to be actively involved. If it’s one-sided, if it feels frenetic and angst-ridden, it’s not healthy. It’s important to do a check-in with yourself, not only about how you feel, but about the reality of the situation.
Does the apple of your eye reciprocate your feelings? Is he communicating his interest and desire to get to know you in both his words and actions? If you can’t tell, ask yourself whether the following statements apply:
He initiates making plans to see me (and not just in the late hours of the evening).
He initiates communication and is consistent in his contact.
He makes an effort to see me and is accommodating to my schedule and location (that is, he’s not meeting me only when it’s convenient for him).
He sets future plans and schedules time to see each other.
He’s comfortable taking things slowly and not rushing into sex.
He introduces me to his friends.
He prioritizes seeing me.
If you answered yes to these statements, great! You can continue moving on to the next section. If you answered no to these statements, seek out expert advice from a coach, a therapist, or a friend who you trust will give you honest feedback.
Do his level of interest and intensity of feelings match yours, give or take a few degrees? Or is it possible that your personal agenda—your hope for the relationship—is blinding you to the fact that you’re investing more than the other person? Don’t mistake your obsession or hope for his love. The intensity of your obsessive feelings does not signify how deeply in love you are; rather, it reflects the intensity of your limerence. And remember, the right person for you is not going to keep you guessing all the time.
Even when it seems like you’re feeling soo much—oh, the exquisite agony—this is actually you just dodging feelings. Crush after crush, your target is merely a source of dopamine. This behavior isn’t about getting to know the other person; it’s about projecting all your desired attributes onto him.
The next time you’re craving a big heaping serving of fantasy indulgence, know that afterward you’re going to get sick—unless you’re into that sort of thing . . . emotional sadism, that is. Recognize when you are in a state of limerence and remember this:
Don’t. Feed. The. Fantasy.
“I’M NOT A LOVE ADDICT,” SAID THE LOVE ADDICT
At one point in my life, Beyoncé’s hit song “Crazy in Love” could have been my personal anthem. I’d been obsessing over boys since the age of four, when my yearning for attention started. Growing up, my friends joked I was “boy crazy.” Everything I did was centered around getting the opposite sex to notice me, from joining sports teams at school to taking waitressing jobs to becoming a club promoter—the key objective was to meet guys. Thinking, talking, and fantasizing about relationships was my hobby—I didn’t know a different way to be, and I thought everyone else was just like me.
Finally, I learned about love addiction. I had exhibited the signs of being a love addict for years, constantly preoccupied with romance, chasing the roller-coaster highs and lows of unavailable partners, feeling angst about whether my affections were returned by the crush du jour. But no, I wasn’t a full-blown addict! An anxiously attached person, sure. But addict? No, not me.
When I thought of the word “addict,” I imagined a junkie in a dark alley getting high. The word was not a label I wished to be identified with.
It wasn’t until I sobered up that I realized I had a full-blown addiction and had for the majority of my life. Love addiction was really a symptom of my lack of self-worth and an inability to self-soothe. As I started to tackle the limiting beliefs that ruled my emotions and actions, healing my wounds, becoming more secure in my attachment style, making healthier decisions in relationships, and practicing self-care, I became less reliant on validation from men as a way to feel okay. Coming out of this was like coming out of a daze. I could experience a reality where my waking hours weren’t consumed with thoughts of my latest romantic obsession. I didn’t have a constant, chronic angst about whom I liked or who liked me back. I stopped chasing highs. It wasn’t until I was out of it that I realized I had been a textbook love addict.
The truth is love addiction is more common than we think. It’s a spectrum, and it’s likely we’ve all experienced it at some point. People who are unable to self-soothe and have a highly dysregulated nervous system are more prone to all types of addiction, including love addiction.9 Dr. Alexandra Katehakis, the founder of the Center for Healthy Sex and a thought leader in the field of integrative sex therapy, suggests that a lack of healthy modeling on how to self-soothe as a child can result in addiction issues as adults:
Addicts, whether they’re using drugs, alcohol, food, love, or sex to soothe themselves, are typically chronically dysregulated. They’re seeking relief from underlying issues like depression or anxiety and can’t get it. Because they didn’t get the appropriate input and modeling for how to seek and receive comfort from the adults in their lives, they turn to
substances or behaviors that will give them temporary relief from their own internal dysregulation.10
Having an addiction can be best described as reaching for something external to soothe an uncomfortable feeling, whether it be boredom, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, or all of the above. Whatever the vice, an addict cannot self-soothe and thus repeatedly reaches out for something (or someone) in order to seek temporary relief, despite unhealthy consequences that follow. Over time, this behavior becomes habitualized and reinforced, turning into a pattern that becomes difficult to stop.
While limerence is characterized by obsession for a particular person, love addiction is characterized by chasing the “high” and often transfers from person to person. The love addict cannot move beyond the rush. She confuses the fantasy she’s created about the person of the moment, believing that they are in love, when really she is objectifying the person through said fantasy. The paramour of the moment becomes her “drug dealer,” giving that hit of intensity and emotionally elevated state she desperately craves.11
This intensity usually works in the beginning, but then the anxiety starts to creep in. The addiction is characterized by a tendency to equate love with anxiety in the nervous system. Suddenly, the love addict’s fears of being abandoned and of losing that intense feeling start to grow. This leaves her grasping, begging for attention and even tolerating disrespect or poor behavior, because she is desperate to get the relief from her “drug dealer.” Not until she gets that chemical fix can she function again. The cycle repeats. The heart palpitations, the sweaty palms, the tightening of the chest—the love addict confuses this for love, when really, it’s the body going into withdrawal before the next fix.
A degree of obsession, fantasy, and chemistry is healthy and is often pivotal in the beginning stages of a relationship. The neurobiological rush is the fuel that can help a couple grow into the more mature intimacy that is characteristic of long-term relationships.12 Dr. Robert Weiss, author and expert in the treatment of adult intimacy disorders and addictions, explains that love addicts live in limerence, hooked on the neuorchemical high as a way to escape and disassociate from reality. He notes that “the difference between love addicts and healthy people is that love addicts never make it past limerence; they never ‘assign value’ to anything beyond the initial intensity they experience. Instead, they seek to continually stimulate their brain’s pleasure center with one new relationship after another, just as alcoholics stimulate their brains with one drink after another.”13
* * *
QUIZ: Do You Have Love Addiction?
ANSWER YES OR NO TO THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS:
* * *
I tend to feel needy in my romantic relationships.
I fall in love very quickly.
I have a tendency to stay in a relationship even though I know it’s unhealthy or toxic for me.
When I have romantic feelings toward someone, I can’t stop fantasizing and thinking about him, which sometimes causes a disruption in my daily life.
I’ve been told that I’ve been smothering in relationships.
In the past, when I had romantic feelings toward someone, I have ignored red flags.
I find myself investing more into a relationship than my partner.
In the past, I’ve gotten romantically involved with someone to avoid being lonely.
I have worked hard to mold myself to the person my partner wants me to be. I will edit myself and sacrifice my needs and values in order to please him.
I am petrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest sign of rejection causes me to feel unsafe or worthless.
I have more than once chased after people who have rejected me and tried desperately to change their minds.
Even if I am not in a relationship, I find myself fantasizing about love all the time—either about someone from my past or about the perfect person who I hope I to meet.
I feel powerless when I fall in love, and have a tendency to make unhealthy choices because my feelings are so strong.
I need a romantic partner in order to feel okay.
I consistently choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or avoid intimacy.
When I’m in a relationship, I have a tendency to make the relationship the center of my universe.
If you answered yes to more than 50 percent of these statements, this may be an indicator that you are experiencing love addiction.
These statements are adapted from a questionnaire created by Love Addicts Anonymous. To get a full diagnosis, seek a therapist who specializes in relationship issues or check out resources and programs offered at the Meadows treatment center.
WHAT’S YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO RELATIONSHIP?
When Nicole Boyar, a love coach who helps women shift from love addicted to love connected, passes this quiz around during her workshop at Renew, you can hear the gasps in the room. The women go through each statement, murmuring, “Yep,” and “Omg, that’s so me.”
Karen, the divorcée who uncovered her belief that “there are no good men left” (see chapter three), raises her hand and objects: “Both of my exes were addicts. They were out of control. I was the one keeping everything together. Imagining myself as an addict seems very harsh, when I know what an addict looks like.”
Nicole encourages Karen to suspend judgment of the label and instead to explore her “relationship to relationship.” “The definition of ‘addiction’ is continually repeating a behavior, any behavior at all, despite the negative consequence. Did you stay in the relationship despite the negative consequences to your emotional and physical health?” Nicole asks.
“Yes, I stayed way longer than I should have. It’s confusing because I didn’t start out thinking I was going to get into a toxic or abusive relationship. It kinda just happened. But I know something is wrong because it kinda just happened twice now,” Karen admits.
Many of the participants at Renew have dated people with drug and alcohol addictions. Nicole explains that this is a common pairing. People with love addiction have a process addiction as opposed to a substance addiction, but the intense cycle of push and pull is all the same.
“With love addiction, we are willing to be in a cycle of push and pull with drama and intensity. Being drawn to someone who has a substance addiction makes sense, because we are willing to tolerate that back and forth and the roller coaster that they are on. We get so consumed by their journey and trying to heal them that we are not healing our own issues. We believe we are in love when in fact it is intensity, not intimacy. It’s that intensity that we get addicted to.”
She adds that love addiction is much like a substance addiction in the way that the tolerance to the drama gradually keeps increasing. In the case of Karen, she didn’t see any signs of addiction or abuse in the beginning. But gradually there was the drunken night that turned into a terrible fight. Then the insults he’d make after a few drinks. He’d apologize profusely the next day, making up for his drunken stupor with grand romantic gestures. Karen let it slide. Until another incident, and she let it slide again. Her tolerance for the drama and the intensity of the lows followed by the highs continually increased over time.
But Those Cravings . . .
The women listen intently to Karen’s story, because deep down, there’s a part of Karen’s story that echoes their own experiences—feeling addicted to someone who is toxic, chasing intensity, and coping with unbearable withdrawal. Nicole explains that withdrawal symptoms are a natural part of the healing process:
“As you remove this person from your life you can feel intense cravings for them the same way someone with a substance addiction may crave that substance. This could be in the form of obsessive thoughts or an intense desire to call or see them. The good news is cravings usually last only ten to twenty minutes. If you can make it through that time without giving in, the craving will stop!”
The next time you experience symptoms of withdrawal from your ex, give yourself ten to twenty minutes for the craving to
pass. Remind yourself that your brain is craving dopamine and it has associated your ex with getting that reward. Find a healthier way to get your hit of dopamine.14
Nicole concludes that we lose ourselves in our relationships because the idea of the new relationship feels better than our current life: “When our lives are not that exciting and this new thing comes along, we quickly and blindly dive in as a way to fill the emptiness of our own lives.”
This brings us to our next point: when we aren’t feeling whole, we are much more susceptible to a good ol’ fantasy hijacking.
THE FANTASY DEALER
Whether you’re high on nostalgia for the past or drunk on hope for the future, the fantasy of someone can make you feel like you’ve found Mr. Perfect. Sometimes this is actually the case, and you’re fortunate enough to have met a partner who is consistent with the idea projected in the beginning throes of love. But not everyone is so fortunate. In fact, most women aren’t. Those who are most susceptible to fantasy bias are those who fall prey to the ultimate fantasy dealer, the narcissist.
“He swept me off my feet.” Tracy sighed.
Tracy, a participant at Renew, shared the story of how she and her now ex-fiancé, Tom, met. They had known each other as kids and through chance reunited thirty years later. It was fast and furious, filled with romantic getaways, talks about the future, lavish gifts, and hot, passionate sex. Tracy had, just a few years prior to reconnecting with Tom, left a boring and unfulfilling marriage. Her bond with Tom was utterly intoxicating. He filled all the voids left from her first marriage.
“It was like he knew me more than I knew myself. He was so fun and exciting, and he made me feel so alive.”