by Amy Chan
I realized that my chemistry compass was pointing me in the wrong direction. Hell, let’s be real, the entire damn thing was broken. I became determined to fix my chemistry compass so that I could develop attraction toward more emotionally available men. So, I did what any relationship expert would do—I conducted an experiment on myself.
Could I reprogram myself to feel chemistry toward men who were good for me? Could I be open to men outside my usual type? I was going to find out.
THE EXPERIMENT BEGINS . . .
The first order of business was to open my mind. I made the decision to be receptive to dating people outside my classic type. That type usually meant a certain height and status, with a chiseled jawline with a five o’clock shadow and a bunch of other superficial qualities. I tossed the list aside. If someone wanted to go on a date with me and seemed to be kind, emotionally healthy, and available, then I’d give it a shot. And guess what? The moment I did this, I suddenly started to notice men whom I had completely overlooked before! I swiped right on guys I typically wouldn’t have chosen in the past and struck up online conversations. Newly open-minded, I decided to give the “nice guys” a chance. And so, I went on dates. And I went in with no expectations; my only intention was to be curious and have fun.
I STARTED TO “CATCH FEELINGS”
Six months into my experiment, I had gone on many dates. While the men were lovely, thoughtful, and attentive, I just wasn’t developing any feelings. This was really frustrating at first. Date after date, despite my attempts to be curious and have fun, I was, well . . . bored. But then something unexpected happened.
I was having dinner with a guy named Carter, whom I had seen several times over the previous six months but with whom I, frankly, felt zero sexual chemistry. Early on, I was up front that I didn’t have a romantic interest in him but was open to still meeting as friends. He expressed that he had no expectations but still wanted to have me in his life. Without any pressure, I felt free to spend time with him casually.
We met up for dinner one evening, maybe for the sixth or seventh time. And something changed. I remember the distinct moment when I looked at him across the dinner table and for the first time noticed how handsome he was.
Oh. Hello.
And just like that, the elusive spark was lit. I became attracted to him—not only physically but to his character and soul. This was a type of intimacy I hadn’t experienced before. It was different: slow and steady, calm and peaceful. It didn’t have the extreme highs and lows that I knew so well, but it was something far healthier.
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD A HEALTHY CONNECTION
Perhaps the chemistry had always been there and I just hadn’t recognized it. Perhaps my platonic admiration simply turned romantic. Whatever the explanation, my experiment worked! I learned that it takes time to build a healthy connection, because it is based on getting to really know someone for who they are, not just what he superficially represents.
What made me feel happy about the outcome with Carter was that I felt my true power in choosing a mate. I was not acting as a slave to chemistry. I realized that I could take my time and let things develop, be open to different types of men, and even have a lasting connection with someone who wasn’t my typical type.
But here’s the thing with the guys before Carter: even though I thought the chemistry exercise wasn’t working, it actually was—just how I thought it would. You see, each guy before Carter was showing up beautifully for me. They were available, present, and interested in dating me. While I didn’t feel chemistry with them, I was getting more and more familiar with what a healthy, available man felt like. Without even knowing, I was embracing a new normal. And that is what opened my eyes to Carter.
Turns out, there was actual science behind my experiment! If researchers had scanned my brain during my dates, they would have been able to provide a scientific explanation of what unfolded with Carter. You see, in that scenario, the part of my brain responsible for attachment and bonding was activated before the part of my brain responsible for sexual attraction was. Which, of course, made all the difference. As we discussed in the last chapter, there are three different mating drives in the brain, any one of which can spark love. In the case of Carter, lust was the last to get sparked, as we first developed an attachment as friends.
You can feel lust or attraction for someone, but that does not necessarily lead to attachment and bonding. If, like me, the first or second mating drive is what keeps landing you in trouble, consider starting from the third drive, by building connection and emotional intimacy first.
Understanding the science behind your feelings can help shift your perspective when it comes to falling in love. Don’t write off a person you are compatible with because you don’t feel the intense flame of lust—those sparks can grow over time. Research (and, for what it’s worth, my experiment) confirms this.
FAMILIARITY BREEDS LIKABILITY
Who knew? This is called the “mere exposure effect.” Psychologists argue that the more you interact with a person you like (even if it’s only mild interest), the more attractive he becomes.1
That was clearly true with Carter.
But keep in mind that repeated exposure only amplifies something that’s already there. This is why, regardless of how many meetings you have with the annoying guy at work, you don’t fall in love with him. Repeated exposure merely intensifies the dominant emotion in the relationship. Thus, when the dominant emotion is disgust, repeated exposure enhances the disgust. However, when the dominant emotion is attraction, repeated exposure enhances the attraction.
If you are looking for a long-lasting partnership, it’s crucial to look at the values that make up someone’s character. That spark, no matter how powerful, fades—but character, values, and a shared commitment to teamwork will be the glue that will hold two people together in a relationship for the long term. Now, I’m not saying you force yourself to like someone you have no physical attraction for. I’m suggesting that you shouldn’t be so quick to write someone off because you don’t feel fireworks . . . at first.
With Carter, I enjoyed spending time with him and looked forward to it, even if I didn’t cognitively process that as “romantic chemistry.” Sometimes chemistry is there, but your conscious mind hasn’t processed it yet. Check in with yourself and see if you enjoy spending time with the person. That’s it. If you do, then that’s enough to warrant seeing him again.
And as for your type? Know that if you meet someone who fits your “type,” you might feel a bigger spark, because that’s what’s familiar to you. If your chemistry compass is working and that happens, great! But remember, love can be triggered in a variety of ways—a fiery spark, a flicker of interest, a slow-burning flame. There is no right or wrong way.
If you have a history of being attracted to men who are terrible for you (explosive beginnings, quick to smolder), consider being open to dating guys outside your normal type. You might need to give someone more time to warm up and catch fire, but you might be pleasantly surprised. After all, science is in your favor!
SPECTRUM OF ATTRACTION
Attraction is a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum are the potential partners for whom we have no attraction at all. Then on the other end is our “dream type”—the ones we’re magnetically attracted to and make us weak in the knees. These are the ones who ring soul mate alarm bells, who you might even perceive as superior to you in some ways. The ones on this extreme end of the spectrum of attraction trigger both our longing and our insecurity.
As stated, the immediate, intense feelings of attraction can easily be confused with love. They evoke all the anxiety, yearning, and excitement that make us feel high. The allure, fantasy, and heightened sense of arousal feel soooo good.
These are the ones you do not go for. But you know that by now . . . right?!
If I haven’t made this loud and clear, there’s a reason there is this intense charge, and as we now know, it’s not because he’s your soul
mate. The ones who fall into the stage ten attraction level are often rife with wounding patterns—your subconscious can detect the qualities that remind you of your own trauma. You also don’t want to go for the person on the opposite end of the spectrum either, which some people resort to after heartbreak. Traumatized, they become so frightened by the risk of pain that they choose people whom they feel zero chemistry with but who seem kind and caring—because that feels safer. While it’s true that some chemistry can lead to more chemistry, unfortunately, absolute zero chemistry usually results in a bland, asexual dynamic. The challenge with this scenario is that devoid of any spark, the relationship can quickly become stagnant owing to boredom and lack of passion.
Teresa AND THE PERFECT GUY ON PAPER
TERESA IS A SUCCESSFUL EXECUTIVE at a hedge fund in New York. Her therapist recommended she come to Renew after her breakup with Arnold.
“Arnold was super nice. Successful. He had an apartment, drove a Range Rover. We shared fancy dinners and nice trips. But I wasn’t attracted to him. The first time we had sex, I had to drink a full bottle of wine beforehand just to make it bearable. I thought I could force myself to like him in a romantic context and that with enough willpower I could become attracted to him. We dated for over a year, but the attraction never came.”
Teresa had a history of doubting her gut feelings, so even when she questioned herself about why she was in the relationship, she’d rationalize reasons to stay.
“I knew he was stable. I thought I could stay in control and create a good life for myself. I stayed partly because I was afraid of being hurt, and with Arnold, I’d never have to fully be vulnerable. I stayed partly because I wasn’t being true to what I wanted and partly because I was trying to obtain this perfect life through making a decision that wasn’t right for me.”
Teresa told me during our call a few months after she attended Renew that she is now learning to listen to her intuition more. She has also started taking dance classes to get more connected to her body.
“I’m a lot more aware now. Recently I went on a few dates with another Mr. Perfect on Paper. But I realized my favorite part of the date would be when I was leaving his house. I would feel excited—‘I’m freeeee!’”
While in the past, this could very likely have turned into a multiyear relationship, Teresa realized right away she was repeating a pattern and broke it off.
“Renew forced me to look at stuff about myself that I don’t like. I started to recognize these behaviors and not hide from them. You have to face your shit—it doesn’t just go away.”
Amen.
If you’ve dated people on one extreme or the other and it hasn’t given you the results you want, I challenge you: Stop going for the extremes. Aim for the middle. You might not get that high you’ve witnessed in movies or feel that familiar chaos of the passionate ex who “got away,” but the option from the middle is more likely to result in a connection that is healthier and sustainable.
In my experience, people who only date those on the high end of their attraction spectrum are much more likely to remain single. By contrast, however, attraction to people in the middle of our spectrum is rarely immediate; it usually takes more time to get a sense of how interested we really are in such people.
Dr. Ken Page
By changing where you aim, you change your expectations. And this alone can be a game changer. You stop basing mate potentiality on an immediate I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off chemistry and become open to exploring the you-seem-interesting-let’s-get-to-know-each-other-more chemistry. You stop writing people off because they don’t intoxicate you, because you’ve stopped confusing intensity and angst as a foundation for lasting love.
WHO’S RUNNING YOUR COMPANY?
We have standards and guidelines when it comes to our professional lives, but often when it comes to our romantic relationships, our method for screening goes out the window. To drive home this point, Coach Trish asks the women at Renew if any of them have ever had to hire someone. Karen’s hand is the first to go up.
Trish asks Karen, “When you’re looking to hire someone, what does the candidate bring?”
“A résumé,” Karen answers.
“Exactly. And what are you looking for on that résumé?”
“Their experience and work history. Basically I want to know if they’re qualified for the job.”
“So what happens if someone comes to the interview and you notice they haven’t had a job for over a few months? Or they don’t have any qualifications or the skill set you’re looking for? What do you do?”
Karen chuckles. “Uh, I’d say bye!”
“Yes! If someone comes for a job interview and doesn’t meet the criteria for the role, you’d say, ‘Thanks, but this isn’t the right fit.’ Now, do you use the same diligence you do when hiring as you do when you’re dating? If someone doesn’t meet the qualities that are important to you, do you still pursue them?”
“Ugh. You’re right. I have such high standards when I’m hiring, and I don’t even own the company! But with my love life, it’s like I’m willing to accept anyone who walks in the door,” Karen says, and sighs.
The rest of the women can relate. There are murmurs of “I do this all the time” and “This is so true.”
“Why are we so clear and strict on hiring the right person for a company that we work for, but when it comes to our personal lives, we have no guidelines for who we let into the most intimate parts of our lives?”
We need to be clear on what we want in a partner, and it starts by getting honest and realistic about our needs.
WHAT DO YOU WANT NEED?
Hand it over.
I’m talking about your list.
Either on paper or in your head, it exists somewhere. The list that specifies your dream partner’s height, job, status, and preferred brand of jeans. With the visualization of how this perfect person looks, you may think that you’re closer to manifesting him into reality. Perhaps you’ll lock eyes with him across a crowded room and just “know.” Unfortunately, while this rom-com scene seems super dreamy, this well-crafted notion may be the very thing that’s blocking you from meeting your match. A few scenarios will play out if you’re stubbornly holding out for the perfect-on-paper person:
You meet someone who resembles the idea of your perfect type and become so attached to making him “the one” that you ignore the reality of who he really is.
You narrow your focus so much that you do not notice men whom you might actually be compatible with.
You get into a relationship with someone even though your intuition tells you not to, simply because he checks all the boxes.
The quicker you throw out your list of superficial qualities, the quicker you will have a real chance at meeting the right match—for you. And how this person comes packaged may look completely different from what you thought you wanted.
Our friend Priya from chapter two shared the list she wrote in her journal when she was twenty-five and also the one she wrote at thirty-five:
Priya’s List
(written at age twenty-five)
Tall
Muscular and athletic
Handsome
Rich
Great career
Well educated
Well traveled
Dresses well
Romantic
Owns property
Priya’s List
(written at age thirty-five)
Kind
Compassionate
Generous
Intelligent
Curious
A great listener
High integrity
Spiritual (or committed to doing self-work)
Takes care of his health
“Looks for me are last on my list now, as I’m more attracted to someone’s energy, smell, and hygiene,” Priya says with a laugh. “If I’m totally honest, I still struggle with the money part. I know that a rich guy won’t make me happy, but I still want a gu
y who is at least equal to me in finances.”
Priya is currently dating someone who is much older than her maximum age preference specified on dating apps. She met Nick, a man eighteen years older, through work. While he’s not her typical type, he’s fun, and they have a good time together.
“I would have never imagined dating a guy that’s so much older than me. I don’t know what will happen, but right now I’m having fun, and he’s super sweet, so I’m just going to keep going.”
Nick would have never made the cut if Priya hadn’t listened to what she needed instead of what she thought she wanted.
HOW TO CHOOSE BETTER
We all have needs that are unique to us. Throughout your dating adventure you will meet many people; some of them might be amazing, but they may not be capable of or willing to meet your core needs in a relationship. For example, I need healthy, consistent communication (which comes from high emotional intelligence). This is a nonnegotiable for me. There are other things that are preferences, but those are not the same as core needs. I have a preference for adventure in my relationships, but if my partner isn’t so into exploring or doing wild, crazy things—that’s okay. I can fill that preference with friends and community. A compatible partner doesn’t mean you find someone who is just like you; rather you find someone who shares the same core values, where both of you can meet each other’s deepest needs. Any connection beyond that is considered a wonderful bonus.
It’s key to know what you need (and that this may look different from what you think you want).
As we now know, when our chemistry compass is broken, we tend to feel drawn toward people who are not healthy partner choices for us. And the chemical rush from that attraction may lead us into relationships (and to stay in them) even if they’re bound to fail. To help us with our decision-making, let’s take a look at our values.