by Amy Chan
Greenlighting
So, is it the prettiest woman who gets the most attention in a room? Nope. It’s the most approachable woman. Men are hardwired to avoid rejection, so they are subconsciously looking for cues of how receptive a woman is to him. Approachability is more important than pure looks when it comes to encouraging guys to make a move. A study examining the effects of body language and attraction was conducted on a group of women who all had a similar level of physical attractiveness. The women who displayed more than thirty-five receptive signals an hour were approached by an average of four men, whereas those with less flirtatious body language were not approached whatsoever.
Single ladies, take note. If your body language is closed and intimidating and your vibe is unfriendly, chances are no one will dare approach you.
If you are interested in meeting someone, you want to be green-lighting signals all the time, meaning you have open body language and make eye contact. You appear happy and receptive. You want to be giving off nonverbal signals that you are open to being approached.
Being “attractive” in this way is a learned skill. This is not about how you look. The more you practice, the more it becomes natural and a part of your way of being. One special area of focus should be your eye contact skills.
SOME PLAY WORK . . .
When you walk down the street, try to look at people you walk past and hold their gaze. It’s an extremely awkward thing to do at first, and you’ll notice that most people will look away. But make a point to make eye contact and hold a gaze with all the people you come across, from the barista to the waiter. The more you do this, the better you become at making eye contact and sparking human connection. Eventually this will become a habit and you won’t even need to think about it. When you become comfortable with making eye contact (and holding it), eventually when you do meet someone you find intriguing, you’ll have the confidence to use your eye contact to signal interest and spark attraction.
Always Be Closing Connecting
The foundation of love is connection. Set your goal not on falling in love but on creating connection. The former is not something you can control; the latter is a choice you make every day.
Connection is an art form. The more you practice, the better you get and this applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. You get good at relating, a key social skill. The goal is to be a people magnet, where people naturally gravitate toward you.
While some are naturally better at connecting than others, the good news is this is a learned skill. In Neil Strauss’s The Game, a book chronicling the seduction tactics of pickup artists, he points out the main difference between those who fail at the “game” and those who succeed: “The guy who fails at the game is the one who goes out looking for women to make him feel good about himself. The guy who succeeds at the game is the one who goes out and makes other people feel good about themselves.”7
Ta-da! It’s really that simple. The first type of person is an energy suck, preying on the validation, attention, and reactions of others to fill himself up. The second type of person is easy to be around, exudes charisma and positive energy, and leaves people feeling inspired, comfortable, and joyful. Be that person. Not just because you’re talking to a hottie—be that person to the waiter, to the Uber driver, to the stranger who strikes up a conversation with you in line. If you make it an intention to treat all people better by being present, curious, and kind, you will become a people magnet.
Here are some tips on how to increase your magnetic factor.
Be curious: Unfortunately, you cannot fake curiosity. If you’re rattling off a bunch of obligatory questions to act curious, the other person will be able to sense your insincerity. If you’re shy, introverted, or have trouble with small talk, that’s okay. To grow your curiosity muscle, whenever you speak to someone—whether it’s your local café’s barista or a new acquaintance you’ve just met—play a game of “the one thing I can learn.” Have a conversation with the goal of learning one new thing. This turns the interaction from a dreaded obligatory conversation into a fun game. For example, if I notice the taxi driver is particularly cheerful, I’ll ask him about his secret to a happy life, or I’ll ask him about the most interesting person he’s ever had in his car. I’ve learned some pretty profound wisdom from the most unexpected of people in this way.
Be playful: You might think that you’re too busy, too Type A, or too [insert excuse here] to be playful. Or you might think that you just don’t have it in you. These are all limiting beliefs that are harming your magnetic factor. We all have little kids inside us waiting to come out to play. The problem is society has told her to hush, to conform, to stop being silly. We’ve got to learn how to tap back into our playful side—the one that dances, that looks around with awe, that imagines, that giggles, that doesn’t take things so seriously. That person is fun to be around and being with her feels good. Other people are drawn to what feels good. So, how do you embrace play again? A good way is to take a class that allows you to express yourself creatively. Take a dance class and get into your body. Take up painting. Do an activity that has no goal or specific outcome other than to simply enjoy yourself.
Build rapport: Building rapport requires a series of steps that are often natural (you probably do many of these already). First, create comfort. That means you match the other person as much as possible in terms of energy level (don’t go shrieking with excitement with five exclamation marks after each sentence when the other person is super calm and collected). Match their pace in tone and speed and mirror their body language. Second, make the person feel safe. This means that you actively listen without judgment (and no eye rolling, gasping, or exhibiting disgust). Third, let the conversation build. There’s a reason people talk about the weather—it’s finding a commonality. Start with an easy, safe topic that the other person can participate in and slowly build from there. Vulnerability is the key to bonding; however, you don’t want to flood the person with your deepest, darkest secrets off the bat. Think of the sharing and revealing more like a flicker—you show a bit, he shows a bit, and you gradually go back and forth to build a flame.
VITAMINS VERSUS TOXINS
I have a friend named Devon, and any time I see her, I feel like I’m a better human being. She is curious and compassionate and can find the humor in any situation. Devon has positive energy. This doesn’t mean she hasn’t been through a lot of hardship in her life, but she has an attitude of gratitude and is refreshingly honest and authentic. Whenever I’m in a situation where I’m feeling judgmental or antisocial, I ask myself, What would Devon do right now? Thinking about her inspires me to act with more compassion and grace. Devon is a vitamin. She leaves people feeling lighter, more inspired and connected. On the other hand, I used to have a friend named Pam (I use past tense because I’ve intentionally stopped spending time with her). Pam loved to gossip and complain and constantly dominated conver sations. If it wasn’t about her, she’d make it about her. Drama followed her everywhere—there was always some new situation where she was being wronged. Pam is what I call a toxin. She leaves people feeling drained and stressed out.
Do you act like a vitamin or a toxin?
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EXERCISE: Be the Vitamin
Think about three people you love being around. These are “vitamins,” because they make you feel good and are good for you. Write down below what you feel when you’re with them and how you feel afterward. Reflect on what they do to make you feel this way. Do they validate your feelings? Do they ask questions and listen carefully? Are they present? Next time you are with these people, pay particular attention to their body language, questions, tone of voice, and any other mannerisms that might contribute to the good feelings you get from your time with them.
Vitamin: ________________________________________________
Vitamin: ________________________________________________
Vitamin: ________________________________________________
&n
bsp; Think about three people you dread being around—the “toxins.” You know, the folks who leave you feeling drained, negative, and annoyed. What are the three ideas that pop into your head after you’re with them? What do these people do to agitate you? What do they not do that you wish they would? Do they interrupt? Brag? Dominate a conversation?
Toxin: ________________________________________________
Toxin: ________________________________________________
Toxin: ________________________________________________
For the next week, when you interact with people, be intentional about how you’re making them feel. The goal is to leave them feeling how you feel after you spend time with someone who inspires you. Employ the mannerisms and social savvy of those “vitamins” in your life. If you catch yourself exhibiting behaviors of the “toxins,” notice them and stop yourself.
At the end of the day, rate yourself in your interactions. Just the act of being aware of how you want someone to feel when they are around you, and assessing what works and doesn’t work can help you to build your social mastery.
Remember, being inspiring, radiating positive energy, and being someone whom people want to be around is a skill, and one you can develop. It is also all-encompassing and shouldn’t just be saved for potential romantic partners. Put light out into the world, and your whole world will improve, not just your love life.
TRY A DIFFERENT BRIDGE
Love is not something we need to “find.”
Love is always circling around us, waiting for the right conditions to make itself visible to us. We simply need to stop blocking it from our view.
Opening your heart and being vulnerable and comfortable with intimacy take practice. It takes even more practice if you’ve had a run of bad relationships. There’s definitely a lot of work you have to do on yourself first. But there comes a time when you’ve got to put down this book, put yourself out there, and apply the knowledge you’ve accumulated.
Don’t go repeating your old patterns of dating the same type and crossing the same bridges. I’m suggesting you look for another bridge—one that might lead to a new place, one completely out of your comfort zone.
The point of what you’ve learned is not to put pressure on yourself to meet “the one”; it’s to get comfortable with expansion and possibility and to open yourself up. You need to be prepared for the next, better relationship in your future. Now, you are.
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EXERCISE: Create Your Own Dating Experiment
Being “good” at dating is a skill. This exercise is to help ease you into the dating process so that you can have fun and enjoy the journey even after heartbreak!
Commit to dating three different types of people. The objective is to go outside of where you’ve always gone before—and to not emit a needy, anxious energy about the future. Your next three dates are not meant for you to find “the one.” Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
If you’ve never done online dating, create a profile and go out on a date.
Get set up by a matchmaker.
Date someone who is not your “type.” Maybe he’s shorter than your typical height requirement, he works in an industry you’d normally deem boring, or he’s of a different cultural background.
Ask your closest friends to suggest someone whom they think you’d be a match with and ask that person out for a coffee.
If you never initiate, ask someone out on a date.
If you haven’t had sex in months, find a lover.
If you’re dating someone, show up one night as your Dominatrix self. Channel her and make a fun evening out of it.
Go on a date with someone five to ten years younger.
Go on a date with someone five to ten years older.
LOVE IS NOT SOMETHING WE NEED TO “FIND.” LOVE IS ALWAYS CIRCLING AROUND US, WAITING FOR THE RIGHT CONDITIONS TO MAKE ITSELF VISIBLE TO US. WE SIMPLY NEED TO STOP BLOCKING IT FROM OUR VIEW.
Add to this list as it suits your interests and willingness to be adventurous. Remember, you are experimenting and practicing. Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel sparks or meet your future husband; avoid any of the angst-ridden baggage that led to disaster before. And journal your process—this is important! Reflect on your experiences. What upset you, and what inspired you? What did you learn about your needs, desires, and wants? What is closer to how you want to feel or how you don’t want to feel? What can you apply moving forward?
LOVE IS AN ENERGY. TUNE IN TO IT.
Part of manifesting the relationship you want means you need to be vibrating in the frequency of what you want to attract. If you’re closed, defensive, guarded, and jaded, it’s unlikely you’re going to draw light, abundant, loving energy toward you.
Energy doesn’t lie. People can sense it, even if they consciously can’t process what they are feeling. We are drawn to some people and repelled by others—and it is all about picking up on energy.
“Love promotes love,” so that the person who has let go of a lot of inner negativity is surrounded by loving thoughts, loving events, loving people, and loving pets. . . . Because all living things are connected on vibrational energy levels, our basic emotional state is picked up and reacted to by all life forms around us.
David R. Hawkins8
You get from the universe what you put into it. The challenge with pop spirituality is that it’s often suggested that if you repeat positive mantras until your face is blue, you’ll get that million dollars, dream house, and Prince Charming. But if, in your deep subconscious, you don’t feel worthy of these things, you’re full of doubt, and your default state is one of scarcity, there is no mantra or magic spell that will make decades of negative energy disappear.
This is why so many chapters of this book have focused on getting at those deep-rooted beliefs, which have a ripple effect on your behavior, your environment, and the frequency you emit to the world. This book has been designed to help you create alignment between your conscious—what you say you want—and your subconscious—what you internally believe you’re worthy of.
You can’t manifest what you don’t actually believe is true.
That’s right. Manifesting is about believing, without a doubt, that what you want is possible and already on its way. Fully believing and eliminating any doubt is the first step, and the next step is experiencing the emotions of your manifestation as if it’s already happened. You’re getting into the vibration of already having something, versus the vibration of lack, of seeking something. To demonstrate how we can move beyond doubts and tap into new possibility, try this visualization exercise.
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EXERCISE: Move Beyond the Confines of Your Mind
Stand up straight with your feet together. With your right hand straight in front of you, use your index finger and point straight ahead.
Keeping your feet planted on the floor, turn your body clockwise as far as you can and notice where you naturally stop. Make a mental note of where your index finger is pointing to—this is your stop point.
Drop your hand and come back around to the starting position, standing straight, with your hands by your sides this time.
Close your eyes, and this time, just visualize yourself doing the exact same exercise. Do not move your body; only visualize your index finger reaching out in front of you, twisting clockwise, and, this time, moving past your stop point and going twice as far.
Keep your eyes closed, put a smile on your face, and make a mental note of your new stop point and how much farther you were able to turn. Repeat the visualization one more time, from the beginning, this time with your finger reaching even farther.
Open your eyes. You should still be in the starting position. Now, do the exercise like you did in the beginning. Standing up straight with your feet together and your index finger pointing straight ahead, physically move your arm and twist to see how far you can go.
How much farther did you go?
When we do this exercise at R
enew, every person is shocked at how much farther she is able to reach by using visualization. The potential for going farther was there from the start, but we reach only as far as we believe we can go. How often do we do this in our daily lives? How often are our limiting beliefs and doubts keeping us from reaching our fullest potential? Visualization is a helpful technique to move beyond the confines of the mind and into expansion and possibility.
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EXERCISE: Manifest Your Perfect Day
Now that we understand the power of visualization, we are going to take it a step further and use visualization as a tool for manifesting. Remember, the key to manifestation is to create the feelings and energetic state as if what you want is already true—it’s tapping into the potential that’s already there, just like with the arm exercise we did earlier. You want to imagine that what you want is not something that you’re trying to get but something that you’re living right here and now, and to generate the warm feelings and gratitude that you’d feel.
There are two parts to this exercise. First, you will visualize your perfect day, and once you’ve mentally rehearsed it, you will write it down.