by Hart, Rebel
I changed into my workout clothes and went back into the common room where the team had dispersed. I saw Jane standing off near Jim’s door and I could see through the window that Sebastian, the owner of the team, was inside.
When Jane noticed I was standing there, she smiled at me. My heart fluttered a bit, glad to see her smiling. “Headed to work out?”
Jack tapped me and kept walking, leaving just the two of us there. “Yeah.”
“Do you have water or Gatorade or something?”
I shook my head. “No. I was gonna grab a couple of bottles from the fridge.”
“I’ll get them.” She started to move instantly.
“No, I can get it.”
She waved her hand. “It’s the least I can do.”
She opened the door to the mini-fridge, reached her arm in and then froze. I saw her start to shake as she stood there with her arm halfway in the fridge. It wasn’t from the cold, something else was going on.
“Jane?”
She nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of my voice, and then slammed the fridge door shut. She crouched down where she was standing and put her head between her legs. I didn’t know what had done it, but something triggered her. I stepped around, purposely taking steps she could hear and track, and then stopped next to her. I crouched down next to her and put my hand on her back.
She jumped, but then looked over at me and her eyes were red and puffy. She was breathing so hard, I thought she was going to pass out.
“You’re having a panic attack.”
Her chest was rising and falling in uneven spurts and it was clear she’d totally lost control of herself. I put my hands on either side of her face. “Look at me. Just don’t think about anything else okay?” She nodded, but she was still breathing too hard for comfort. “2016, who won the Super Bowl?”
I saw her eyes start to ping around as she calculated my question. “The… D-Denver Bron-Bron-Bron-c-os,” she barely managed to get out through breaths.
“Right. Who was their quarterback at the time?”
Her breathing started to even out a little bit. “Peyton M-Manning.”
I nodded. “That’s right, you’re doing great. What college did Peyton graduate from?”
Jane’s eyes turned upwards as she considered the answer. “UConn.”
“Ooh, sorry. We were looking for the University of Tennessee.”
Jane scoffed, her breathing finally evening out. “Well, who the fuck knows something like that?”
I shrugged. “I knew.”
Jane rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you know everything about football, we get it.”
I pulled my hands from her face. “You’re the one always talking about how much you’ve studied and how much you know. The Mannings are one of the most famous families in football. You didn’t know where Peyton graduated from?”
“You’re an ass.” Jane looked over at me and then a smile curled across her face and she started to laugh. It was a sweet sound, one I felt blessed to hear. “I see what you did there.”
“I like it better when you’re being an insufferable witch.” I slid a piece of her hair that was hanging in her face, behind her ear. “You shouldn’t be here though.” She looked up at me with a dropped jaw and I shook my head. “No, no, no. Just today. You shouldn’t be here today. You’ve been through a lot. You should be resting.”
“Football is my resting.” That statement shot straight through me, into my heart, and started spreading through my blood like a fast-acting poison. I understood that sentiment on such a deep level. “Besides, I can’t seem weak-minded.”
“Do you know how many of these jackasses stub their toes and can’t go back to work? Believe me when I say, you won’t seem weak-minded.” Jane dropped her head and I could see that she didn’t believe me. Where had she gotten such strong alpha tendencies from? “Jane, look at me.”
She brought her head up to look at me and when her gaze hit mine, something rocked me to my core. It was the earlier poison taking effect, slowly killing me. It was a needle tipping ever slow slightly, with a threat to go flying to the other side and fly off the meter. Something about Jane and what she had done to my existence ever since she arrived was starting to shift my entire way of thinking. Why did I feel so compelled to make sure she was always smiling? Why did I feel so compelled to stay by her side?
The door to Jim’s office opened and Jane and I jumped and looked away from one another. We both stood up just as Sebastian and Jim walked out of the office.
Sebastian clapped his hands together like a man just taking care of some run-of-the-mill business. "Oh good, you're both here. John, I want to thank you for your dedication to keeping everyone on our team safe and cared for. It has not gone unnoticed."
I side-glanced Jane and then looked back at Sebastian. "Uh, of course."
"I want you both to know that we are investigating this incident, but that we fully expect to resolve it without issue. Dax is getting treatment for his injuries as we speak, and he should be back to work next week."
I looked at Jim and noticed, for the first time, his look of disgust and frustration. "Wait. What?"
"Don't you worry. You aren't being punished in any way. Jim has agreed to oversee you and Dax getting over this little disagreement, and seeing to it that the train stays on the tracks. Big games ahead of us."
"Disagreement?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "There wasn't a disagreement. He was attempting to ra—"
"Now, now, now." Sebastian cut me off. "There's no reason to run around making baseless accusations. These things will happen between men when women are around. Two guys like her, she does a little bit of playing the field, and the guys feel like they have to fight it out."
I saw Jane shrink into herself at my side. I wanted to put my arm around her, but knew that wasn't the best idea given the circumstances. "You're not suggesting she was consenting to that. I saw her tell him no."
Sebastian waved his hand in front of his face. "Believe whatever makes you feel better, my boy."
I opened my mouth again, but Jane put her hand in the air. "Thank you for not taking it out on him. I appreciate it."
Sebastian looked at Jane as if she was a piece of trash rolling through the street. "Yes, well try to keep your personal business at home from now on."
She nodded. "Of course, sir."
Sebastian turned and shook Jim’s hand. “Coach. I look forward to your reports.” He turned and held his hand out to me. “John, always a pleasure.”
I stared at his outstretched hand and didn’t move. Eventually, he pulled it away, let out a small chuckle, walked around us, and left. I looked over at Jane and she was staring straight down at the floor. A look over at Jim proved that he felt similarly to how I felt. If neither of us cared about our jobs or making things worse for Jane, we’d have that guy’s neck in our hands.
I stepped forward first. “Jane.”
She jumped up as if nothing was wrong. A bright, clearly fake smile crossed her face. “Well, that’s that then. He was right, we do have a big game ahead, so let’s get to work.”
“J,” Jim started, but Jane clapped her hands.
“I’d like to get to work now. Please.” She didn’t wait for us to answer. She turned around with a whip of her hair and near skipped off towards the field.
I looked over at Jim unsure of what to say, but he just shook his head. He put his hand on my shoulder, just as he had done the night before. He didn’t need to say ‘thank you’ that time, I could hear it as clearly as if he’d said it out loud. He turned around, walked into his office, and shut the door. I watched through the window as he went around to his desk and dropped his head to the surface.
With Jane and Dax sticking around and the owner behaving as if this was just a love triangle gone wrong, the next few weeks were going to be gunshots to the face.
14
Jane
I slammed the door to Jim’s office as I stormed in. “You’re
moving me to the second-string?”
Jim sighed. “What did you honestly expect me to do? I can’t keep you on the starters with Dax coming back today.”
It had been over a week since the incident with Dax and he was coming back to work. The owner had made the very progressive decision to victim-blame me and swipe his rapist issue under the rug. I was finally starting to feel like things were getting somewhat back to normal, weirdness with John aside, and now I was being punished for another man’s inability to accept ‘no’ as an answer.
“I can deal with that.” It was a lie. The thought of being in the same place as Dax for longer than a few seconds made me want to vomit.
“I know you better than anyone on this planet. You don’t think I can see that you can’t. You look like you’re going to pass out just from thinking about it.”
“Don’t punish me for what he did to me.” I slammed my hands on the desk. “He’s ruined my life enough already.”
“It’s not punishment, it’s protection.” Jim stood up. “I can’t as an employer, coach, friend, or brother, put you back in a situation where he could attack you again. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. I can barely sleep at night now just thinking about him being back here.”
“I’m not going to be able to sleep at night if it looks like I’m running from him.” I walked over to Jim and stood directly in front of him, looking up into his eyes so that he knew I was serious. “You’re right. The thought of being around Dax absolutely terrifies me. All I’ve tried to do is prepare myself for this moment, and I don’t really think I’m ready, but I have worked my whole life for this. The guys are finally giving me respect, even John is starting to come around. Please don’t pull me. Don’t make me pay for what he did to me.”
Jim closed his eyes and his jaw flexed and relaxed repeatedly. His hands balled into fists and then he relaxed them and then he balled them again. I never wanted to be a source of any discomfort or struggles in my brother’s life, but I couldn’t let him move me when it’s what I’d wanted for so long.
Finally, he took a long inhale and held it for about thirty seconds, before releasing it. “Fine.”
“Seriously?”
“Don’t question it when you’re the one who’s begging for it.” He opened his eyes again and looked down at me. “I don’t like this.”
“Me either. Do I want to work with a man who tried to… do that to me, no, of course not. But I can’t let him take this from me.”
Jim wrapped his arms around me and it broke my heart that they had a small shake to them. “I know.”
I gripped his back tightly. “I’ll never be alone with him, in fact, I’ll never be alone in general. I’ll always have my pepper spray on me, and if I’m even slightly afraid that he’s doing something, I’ll scream as loud as I can. I… God, it’s weird to say this out loud. I trust that John won’t let anything happen to me.”
“I trust that too. But I just can’t feel comfortable with this.” He let me go and looked down at me. He put his hand on my head and it was like we were little kids again. “But you seem sure this is what you want.”
I smiled. “It is.”
“Fine. Go then. Before I change my mind.” Jim plopped down into his office chair with a huff and I took the victory and fluttered out of his office.
I grabbed my clipboard and playbook and headed out to the field where I was scheduled to work with the first-string. When they saw me walking out onto the field, they started cheering and clapping. It instantly made me feel like fighting for my spot was worth it.
“I knew she wouldn’t go for it.” Alvin looked over at Isaac. “That’s $20.”
Isaac rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Later.”
“Oh good, the babysitter’s back.” I looked over at John, and he had on his same listless expression as he threw a jab my way. I wanted to smile, but I refrained.
“And the baby’s back, so I see everyone is here and accounted for.” The guys groaned at my retort and I saw John roll his eyes and grin a bit.
He and I were in a weird place, if it could be called that. We weren’t friends. Most of our interactions were still volatile, and we’d even had a couple of additional blow-outs since everything went down with Dax. He was slightly more willing to take advice from me, though begrudgingly, and everything I mentioned to him, he was quick to discredit or at least claim that he was only listening to pieces of my expertise. The guys often got after him for being an asshole, but I could see there was something else going on. As far-fetched as it seemed, I believed John was being a jerk to me, no longer because he believed any of what he said, but because he was trying to make me feel better. He did the same thing when I was having my panic attack the day after Dax attacked me. I was trying to do ‘business as usual’ and he was helping by being his typical, asshole self. I didn’t know if we’d ever get to a place where I could tell him as much, but I appreciated it more than he would know.
I noticed that Dax wasn’t on the field and let out a sigh of relief. Maybe he’d decided against returning.
“Oh, hey ladies. Guess who’s back?”
Of course, I hadn’t gotten that lucky.
I turned to face Dax, making sure that he couldn’t get too close to me, and to my surprise and heart-warming comfort, the entire team stepped up to flank me on either side. John took an additional step forward, and we all stared at Dax.
“Oh, don’t be like that, you guys. You believe what she says? Come on, you know me. She’s just mad that things didn’t go the way she wanted so she’s trying to get me on some ‘me too’ crap. Don’t fall for it.”
No one moved. Dax looked at me and smirked. “Hey, coach.”
His voice, the one that had cursed my sleepless nights for more than a week, brought pimples to my skin. My throat tightened and my nose burned. My legs felt like jelly and I was suddenly three times as cold as I had been moments ago. My stomach threatened to turn out right then and there and my head was swirling around like I was on a theme-park ride. I honestly thought I was better prepared to see him, but I couldn’t handle it.
I felt a hand on my back and glanced to the right and Jack was looking back at me. He nodded. “We got you.”
I smiled. “Thank you.” Just over Jack’s shoulder, I could see John watching me with concern. Suddenly, I could tell that was how they were all looking at me, like I was a Faberge egg balancing on a needle. I hated it. I clapped my hands suddenly. “Alright, let’s stop worrying about Dax’s small dick and get to practice.”
The guys started to laugh, but I could feel Dax leering at me. Maybe antagonizing the antagonizer wasn’t a good idea, but I had to show them that I was tough enough to take it. I wasn’t a glass swan about to shatter.
We started to run plays, and the team made sure I was well padded at all times. With them watching my back, I was actually feeling like I could focus on my job.
“John.” He was running downfield when I shouted to him.
He skidded to a halt and looked over at me. “What do you want?”
“You’re running like you have ankle weights on.”
“I’m sorry! I forgot to imagine you were behind me, to give me the inspiration I needed to move a bit faster.”
I crossed my arms. “Do you always have to have something to say? Can’t you just do it?”
“If I actually cared about your opinion, I would.” He turned around to reset the play and I rolled my eyes. Whether he was trying to make me feel better or not. It was irritating.
They reset the play and it was time to run a fullback play instead of halfbacks, and Dax was the starting fullback. I cleared my throat and prepared myself to address him directly.
“Dax.” I held down my gag reflex and tried to push out the feeling of his breath on my neck. “Run the T.”
He looked over at me and his eyes narrowed at me. “Whatever you want.”
I was rattled down to my bones. I was wrong. I couldn’t handle it. Every time he looked at me, ever
y time he spoke, every time he moved, my mind shot back to that day.
“I’m sorry, I can’t.” I turned around and ran off the field, knowing that I was doing the exact opposite of what I wanted to do.
I wished a meteor would strike the earth and just take me out. What had all my years of preparing myself to work in a male-dominated field amounted to? Why was I even here if I couldn’t stand up to one guy? What was I doing? I ran into my office and slumped down into the corner. I tried to steady my breathing, but every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was pressed against that wall again being groped by Dax.
“Jane.” I looked over and John was standing in the doorway. “I’m sorry if I was doing too much out there.”
I shook my head. “No. Believe it or not, it was working for me that you were being a dick. It was him.” I looked up at John who was already sitting on the floor across from me. “I can’t do it. When I’m around him I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s like he’s still on me.”
“I told you already, you need to take a break. Get some distance from this place.”
I rubbed my arms, trying to warm them up even though I knew the temperature wasn’t the reason they were cold. “A vacation isn’t going to fix this. It’s like a scar on me now.” Tears started to slide down my cheeks. “I see the way you all look at me–like I’m gonna break any second. I worked so hard to be strong.”
“No one should have to be this strong. It’s okay.”
“It’s not!” I could feel my breathing getting shallower and less reliable. “It’s not okay. I don’t feel like me anymore. I’m some weak, washed out version of me. You were right, I don’t belong here.” I dropped my head against my knees. “I think I’m just gonna call it.”
“You’re gonna quit?” He scoffed. “Wow, I gotta say, even for you, that’s disappointing.”
I looked up at him. “What?”
“What? I didn’t take you for a quitter.”
“But you just said—”
“I said take a break. That’s different. If I call for a timeout, that’s fine, if I get benched by my jerk assistant coach because she’s got an attitude—”