by Cher Carson
He leaned forward, thrusting his hands through his hair. “So that’s it then? No more phone calls, text messages, surprise visits, we just end it here and now.”
“We’ve tried being friends for the past three months. I know there’s no way I can move on with my life if you’re in it. It’s a constant reminder of what might have been, what I walked away from.”
He jumped up, stalking across the room to grab a robe off a chair in the adjoining sitting room. “Why the fuck did you walk away? Why couldn’t you have stayed, given us a chance?”
She sat up, shocked that he was so resentful she’d had the courage to follow her dream. “I did what I had to do. I’ve worked my ass off to be a lawyer. I’ve invested years in my education and career. I’ve known you a few months. You actually expected me to drop everything for some playboy hockey player who’s never had a serious relationship in his life?”
He put the black robe on, securing the belt around his waist. “That’s how you see me, huh? You never took me seriously, did you? I was never gonna be good enough, no matter what I did. Was I just a fun diversion, someone to listen to you vent when you were having a bad day or someone to take the edge off when you needed some to fuck you?”
She held the sheet to her breasts, the malice in his words rendering her temporarily speechless. “How can you say that?”
“You left without even giving me a second thought. You threw yourself into your career and your life there, making friends, dating God only knows how many men.”
“What would you have me do, sit home alone every night while you’re out whoring around with anything in a short skirt?”
He picked up a crystal globe from an end table in the sitting room and threw it against the wall, shattering it. “Fuck that, I wanted you. I didn’t want anyone else. I haven’t fucked anyone else. I haven’t kissed anyone else. I haven’t even had a goddamn blowjob since you left. Not because you expected me to be faithful, but because I couldn’t even imagine being with anyone else, so don’t you fuckin’ talk to me about whoring around.” By the time he finished his tirade, he was shaking, his face flushed. He walked to the bathroom door. “Get the fuck out. Get out of my house, get out of my life. I don’t ever want to see you again.” He slammed the door with enough force to knock a picture off the wall, causing the glass to shatter.
Steve leaned against the bathroom counter, drawing deep breaths. He listened to the sound of her footsteps on the hardwood floor, receding down the hall. He opened the bathroom window and listened to the sound of the door slam and the soft hum as her car drove away.
He sank down on the edge of the Jacuzzi, dropping his head into his hands. Tears were a sign of weakness, or so his old man taught him, so he wouldn’t allow himself to give into the despair tearing at him. He held it in, sucked it up, because that’s what he was supposed to do. Even when he was dying inside.
Chapter Ten
Seventy-three days, that’s how long it had been since Steve lost his temper, throwing her out of his house. In the days following the incident, she expected him to call or email, maybe send her flowers to apologize for overacting. But when days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, she finally began to accept the inevitable. He meant what he said; he never wanted to see her again.
She went through the motions at work, trying to give each case her undivided attention, but she couldn’t seem to muster the same enthusiasm she’d once had. And it wasn’t just her job, it was everything. She’d stopped waking up forty-five minutes early to jog four miles before work.
Instead, she pulled the covers over her head and cursed the start of another day. Dinner was often a bowl of cereal or bag of take-out because she couldn’t seem to summon the energy to care about eating the right balance of food to fuel her body.
She recognized the signs of depression that were plaguing her, and she knew she had to do something to turn things around before she slipped further into the abyss. She was scared, but she had no idea what to do or where to go for help.
Picking up her cell phone, she scrolled her contacts, looking for the number for her new doctor. Maybe she could help. Before she could press the button to dial, her office phone buzzed.
Sighing, she picked up the phone. “Yes, Linda?”
“Chase Hudson is here to see you. He doesn’t have an appointment, but he says it’s important.”
She considered half a dozen scenarios to justify Steve’s best friend paying her a visit. “Send him in, thank you.”
She reached into her desk, looking for her spare compact. She’d been so busy, she hadn’t even run a brush through her hair since seven o’clock that morning. Groaning, she realized it was too late to repair the damage. He would just have to tell Steve the truth: she looked like hell because she was missing him.
She stood, smoothing a hand over her black, straight skirt, straightening her matching jacket as she took a deep breath and waited for him to enter.
Chase tapped his knuckles against the door.
She cleared her throat. “Come in.” She plastered on her best fake smile. “Chase, this is a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you?”
He stepped inside the office, crossing the small room to give her a kiss on the cheek.
She was surprised by the show of affection. She’d met Chase and his wife Taylor only once, that day at the cottage. Given his loyalty to his best friend, she expected him to be as bitter and resentful as Steve.
“It’s good to see you again, Brooklyn,” he said, smiling. “I hope you don’t mind that I stopped by without calling to make an appointment?”
She gestured to one of the guest chairs on the opposite side of her desk. “Not at all. Please, have a seat. How are Taylor and the baby?”
Chase beamed like the proud new daddy he was. “They’re fantastic, thanks.” He reached into his pocket to retrieve his cell phone. He passed it to her, showing her the screen saver of his four-month-old daughter, Eliza, clutching a teddy bear.
Brooklyn felt an unexpected lump rise in her throat, forcing her to swallow. “She’s gorgeous. You and Taylor must be very proud.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, we happen to think she’s the smartest, most beautiful baby in the world, but we’re a little biased.”
“Steve mentioned that you asked him to be the godfather. I know he was honored.”
Chase smiled. “He’s amazing with her, spoils her rotten though. I’m telling you, I had no idea Steve was such a softie. That tiny baby has him wrapped around her little finger.” An image of Steve holding a newborn baby popped into her head and she had to force it out.
“I’m a little surprised to see you, Chase. What brings you all the way out here?”
If he was taken aback by the abrupt change in conversation, he didn’t let on. “I didn’t want to discuss this over the phone. It seemed a little too personal.”
She frowned. “So you hopped on a plane and flew four hours just to talk to me in person?”
He looked at her pointedly. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Steve.”
She pushed her chair away from the desk, lacing her hands across her mid-section. “Okay, you’ve piqued my curiosity. What’s this about?”
“I know you and Steve haven’t spoken for the past couple of months.”
She didn’t want to have this discussion with Chase or anyone else. If she did, she feared she might risk falling apart. “That’s true. He asked me not to contact him again, and I’m trying to respect his wishes.”
“Is that what you want?”
She couldn’t have what she wanted, so it really didn’t matter. “I want for him to be happy.”
“You don’t think you deserve to be happy?”
She shifted in her seat, trying to avoid his scrutiny. “What makes you think I’m not happy, Chase? You don’t even know me.”
“You’re right, but I’ve known Steve a long time and I can tell you he’s miserable without you.”
She glanced at the calendar on
her desk. It was easy to lose track of her life outside of work. “Don’t you have a game tonight?”
He chuckled, pointing a finger at her. “Nice try, counsellor. No, it’s the All-Star break right now. The hot shots get invited, while the rest of us poor schleps get a few days off.”
She smiled at his dry sense of humor. “Does that mean Steve is playing?”
“Yeah, he falls into the former category.” He rolled his eyes. “And he never lets the rest of us forget it.”
She laughed. “I don’t believe that. He’s the most modest…” She was about to list his attributes, but stopped herself just in time. “Does he know you’re here?”
Chase raised his hand. “God no, and don’t tell him. He’d have my ass.” The color rose in his cheeks. “Sorry, he’d have my hide.”
She smiled. She liked Chase Hudson. It was easy to understand why he and Steve were so close. They were very much alike, a little rough around the edges, but both were honest, loyal, and hard-working men who’d overcome the odds to achieve their goals. “Your secret is safe with me, especially since Steve and I are no longer speaking.”
He looked around her office, his eyes settling on the framed photographs lining her credenza. They depicted the people closest to her, parents, her brother, a few friends, and Steve. “Do you ever miss home?”
“Of course I do. I grew up there. My family and friends are there.”
“And Steve?”
She gripped the edge of the desk, pulling her chair forward. “If you’re asking me whether I miss him, I do, every day.” She didn’t expect to confide in Chase, but few people knew Steve as well as he did and she felt he would somehow understand what they had been through.
“Do you ever wonder if it was worth the sacrifice?”
She laced her fingers on her desktop, leaning forward. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve been re-thinking everything the past couple of months.”
He reached into his pocket and extracted an envelope. “Steve has a big game coming up, his 1000th; it’s a pretty big milestone. They’ll honor him at the game and with a party afterward.”
He slid the envelope across the desk. “It would be great if you could be there to share that with him.”
She shook her head, passing the envelope back to him. “I don’t think he would want me there, but thanks for the invitation.”
Raising his hand to refuse when she tried to return the envelope, he said, “You and Steve have something special, and it pisses me off to see you throwing it away like this.”
“I appreciate your concern, but…”
“You know, I almost lost Taylor a while back. It made me realize there’s nothing more important than our relationship, not my career, money, fame, nothing. ‘Cause if I don’t have her, my life’s not worth living.”
She lowered her eyes. “That’s a pretty powerful statement.”
“I have a feeling you know what I mean, Brooklyn.” He leaned forward in his seat. “Would you say life is good right now, you’re happy; your career is meeting all of your needs?”
She tried to find the words to justify her actions, but she couldn’t. “I love what I do, but am I happy? No, I’m not. But how do I know that giving up my career to be with Steve would make me happy? In time, I might resent him because I made the wrong choice. I don’t want to do that to him or me.”
He reached for her hand, covering it with his own. “I don’t want to trivialize your decision. I know you guys haven’t known each other all that long and your career has been your life for a long time, but if you don’t explore this thing between you, won’t you always wonder about what might have been?” He stood up and walked around the desk, reaching out to grab her hands.
Reluctantly, she accepted his offer of support as she tried to hold the tears at bay. It had been a long time since someone offered her a shoulder to cry on, and she feared if she started, she may never stop.
He held her while her tears fell on his shoulder. “Will you at least think about what I said? Think about coming to the game, please?”
“I’ll think about it,” she whispered. She knew she’d be able to think about little else.
Steve stopped by Chase’s house on his way home from the airport, anxious to see his beautiful goddaughter. He’d made an important decision while he was away. He was going to retire. It was the hardest decision he’d ever had to make, but he didn’t want to live without her. This season would be his last. He wanted Chase to know before he announced it to the team. Of course, he would have to find the time to fly out and see Brook before he spoke to management. Given the way they left things, he had no idea if she even wanted to see him again, much less spend the rest of her life with him.
Taylor and Eliza met him at the door with a kiss and a hug before sending him down to the basement to see Chase. His friend was just finishing a workout when he rounded the corner. “Hey, buddy,” Steve said. “You got a minute?”
“Sure, just finished. I was gonna hit the shower. What’s up?”
Steve claimed a seat on the universal equipment. “I made a decision, and I wanted you to know about it before I told anyone else.”
Chase wrapped a towel around his neck, patting his face to dry the perspiration. “Okay, let’s hear it.”
He gestured to a flat bench, a smile playing on his lips. “You may wanna sit down for this.”
“Just spit it out, man.”
Steve sighed, wishing there was some way he could soften the blow. Both men had played for the same team their entire twelve years as professionals and hoped they would end their careers together. “I’ve decided to retire at the end of this season.”
Chase scowled. “What the hell are you talking about? Is this your idea of a joke?”
Steve hung his head, trying to find the words to express his reasons for wanting to give up the game that had been his lifeline through a troubled childhood. Making the big leagues was the only thing he had ever wanted, the only thing that ever mattered. But now there was something he wanted more. Brooklyn. “It’s time, buddy.”
“Like hell it is. You’ve got another three to five years, at least. Why would you want to pack it in now? We’ve got a good shot at winning another Cup; if not this year, definitely next. The new kids are…”
Steve held his hand up to silence Chase’s arguments. There was nothing he could say to him that he hadn’t already said to himself. This wasn’t something he wanted to do. It was something he had to do. He couldn’t go on like this, slipping deeper into this void of nothingness that his life had become the last few months. He was beginning to lose sight of the man he’d always been, a goal setter, a competitor. If he retired, he could be with Brooklyn, set new goals, start a new life. “I’ve thought a lot about this, Chase. It’s something I need to do.”
Chase dropped his head into his hands before looking up at Steve. “Look, I know you’ve had a rough few months; I’m sorry I haven’t been there more, but with Eliza’s birth…”
Steve reached over to grab his shoulder. “Hey, you’ve got your own life, your own family. You shouldn’t have to worry about babysitting me.”
“Yeah, but when Taylor and I were going through all that shit, you were there for me.”
“Hey, there was nothing you could’ve done. I had to figure this out on my own, and I have. I feel good about this decision, man. It’s the right one. I’m ready.”
“Bullshit. I don’t believe for a minute that you’re ready to give up hockey. It’s been your life forever. What the hell are you gonna do without it?”
Steve shook his head. “I don’t know exactly. I’ve got a few ideas in mind. Maybe get into coaching, maybe buy a junior team.” He knew there were still opportunities to feed his love of the game without the demands of playing professionally in a city thousands of miles from the woman he loved.
“Steve, you’re in your prime, man. You beat your own scoring record last year. You’re on track to beat it again this year. No one packs it in when they�
�re at the top of their game. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“It makes sense to me.” He sighed. “Besides, I don’t want them to have to force me out. I want to go out on my terms, when I’m still at the top of my game. I don’t wanna be one of those players who hangs around too long, trying to hold on to his glory days. Trust me, it’s better this way.”
“The team needs you. You’ve been a hell of a leader, on and off the ice.”
Leaving his team would be like walking away from family. Without a doubt, it would be the hardest thing he’d ever done. Those guys were more than teammates, more than friends; they were like his brothers. “I’ve had an amazing ride. I made a crazy amount of money doing something I love and I have the ring to prove we were champions. It doesn’t get much better than that.”
Chase stood up. “There’s nothing I can do to change your mind, is there?”
He shook his head. “No, buddy, my mind’s made up.”
“Can you do me a favor?”
“Sure, anything, you know that.”
Chase smiled. “Will you hold off on telling management until after the party? Everyone has gone to a lot of trouble to help you celebrate this milestone. I just think there would be a black cloud hanging over the night if everyone knew this was going to be your last season.”
“Yeah, I can do that. Truth is, I have to find time to go to Portland and talk to Brook about my plans. We haven’t talked in a couple of months; I don’t know where her head is right now, how she’s going to feel about my decision.”
“And if she’s not on board?”
Steve hadn’t allowed himself to dwell on that possibility. He needed her in his life and he was willing to give up everything to make that happen. He had to believe she still loved him enough to meet him half-way. “If she’s not, it’s really gonna mess me up, man. I haven’t been giving the game or the team everything I’ve got this season, we all know that. I’ve been too distracted with this mess with Brook. If she doesn’t want me…”