by Nancy Sleeth
Let’s Sum It Up
Broken families have become the norm in modern society, but an anomaly in Amish communities. What makes Amish families different? Here are a few key factors:
• They live near each other.
• They share meals.
• They respect gender roles.
• They expect children to be citizens of the family.
• They honor the fourth commandment.
What these behaviors have in common are clear expectations and lifelong commitment. Families do not break up, because their first allegiance is to God, not self. Children are not idols to be worshiped. Husbands and wives are not disposable. The (top) Ten Commandments are not optional. Harmony takes precedence over self-interest.
Such harmony can often best be seen when our parenting years are ending and we discover that our children are people we enjoy hanging out with as adults. Let me close with one last vignette of our family. On a beautiful September morning, while I was finishing this chapter, I heard a knock at the door. It was Clark and Val. They were out on a walk and wanted to know if Matthew and I could join them. Matthew was having breakfast with a colleague at Magee’s, the neighborhood bakery, so we walked there to see if their meeting was wrapping up. We spotted three of Clark’s church friends also having breakfast, and they told us that Matthew had left five minutes ago. We caught up with him on the street, and he joined us, first stopping back at our house so he could change his shoes and I could give Val some fresh goat cheese made by a neighbor. After walking and talking for nearly an hour, I returned—infinitely refreshed—to my writing.
The Amish have a saying: “A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.” And, of course, happy marriages tend to make for happy families. May all your gatherings with family be part of a long conversation, full of joy, harmony, and faith in an all-powerful Father who loves every one of his children.
Chapter 10
Faith
Faith life and way of life are inseparable.
The Amish are known for their wise proverbs, but perhaps my favorite consists of just five words: “More is caught than taught.” While this saying applies to many areas of life, it is absolutely central to Amish faith. For the Amish, faith is not relegated to an hour on Sundays and then put to the side the rest of the week. Rather, faith is at the center of every action, every day. The Amish, a people of few words, express their faith through example rather than exegesis—by walking the talk rather than only talking the walk.
The Most Powerful Sermon Is the One We Live
When I think of someone who models faith in all aspects of life, Margaret comes immediately to mind. From a very young age, Margaret knew that she wanted to be a doctor and serve others.
Originally, she planned to serve as a medical missionary in Africa, but while attending a Christian medical student gathering she heard a doctor speak about an urban clinic he helped start in an economically challenged neighborhood. Though he earned only $25,000 per year, the same as the typical medical resident, he was able to provide care to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay. The focus of the clinic was on preventive medicine and relationship building. Because faith, not finances, was at the center of Margaret’s calling, upon graduation she joined a similar clinic in the poorer section of her city. Margaret has continued to serve that community for nearly three decades.
Margaret’s husband is also a physician, raised in Mennonite farm country. Very soon after they each went into practice, it became clear that Margaret and her husband would have more money than they needed to live. Instead of ramping up their lifestyle, they looked for ways to live simply and steward their surplus wisely.
One of the first decisions was to purchase a home and several adjoining lots in the less gentrified part of town. They wanted enough land to start a garden and grow some of their own food. In addition to raising four children—including an adopted son—on this urban homestead, Margaret and her husband have invited students, family, and friends to live with them. Some of these visitors have stayed for months; others, years. This hospitality has allowed young people to complete their educations—providing a haven in transitional seasons of life.
Margaret and her husband also wanted to use some of their surplus to stay connected to the land and help family members continue in the farming tradition. When the opportunity arose to purchase property next to her mother-in-law’s farm, they bought the land. This land is farmed by Margaret’s brother-in-law.
Later in their marriage, Margaret and her husband were asked to speak to a Christian group of medical students about finances. They did something few of us would be brave enough to do: they tallied up all they had earned in the last few years, all they had spent, all they had saved, and all they had given away, and then shared this chart with the students. While most medical students are living on loans, as physicians they will be stewards of significant salaries. Margaret wanted to help these Christian students make good choices about their future lifestyles. The pie chart of Margaret’s family finances provided one model of a faith-centered life. As Jesus says, “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money” (Matthew 6:24).
Throughout their three decades of marriage, church has remained a central part of their shared faith life. The main Mennonite church in their city is relatively large and located quite a distance from their home. So Margaret and her husband helped start a smaller sister church closer to their neighborhood, where they continue to attend. The children made friends in the youth group, and Margaret grows her faith through a weekly women’s Bible study.
In many ways, the life of Margaret’s family sums up much of what we have talked about through this book. Their vocation, home, finances, simple way of living, sense of place, hospitality, and commitment to community and family all reflect a desire to walk in the light of Jesus. Faith is not something that happens once a week in the church pew; it is the totality of how they choose to live. For Margaret and her husband, faith life and way of life are one.
The Almost Amish Way: Faith and Life Are Inseparable
While I respect many things about the Amish, what I admire most is how faith permeates every area of life. Religious beliefs shape the major rites of passage—birth, baptism, Communion, marriage, and death. This is because, for the Amish, the German Bible is the center of faith life. They focus on applying the teachings of Jesus on a daily basis, emphasizing the Gospel of Matthew, especially the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5–7).
In addition to the Bible, several other important texts shape Amish beliefs, including the Martyrs Mirror, the Ausbund, and the Dordrecht Confession of Faith.
Because of their persecution in Europe, the Amish have a history of martyrs for the faith. The 1,100-page Martyrs Mirror records these religious persecution and martyr stories that continue to influence Amish values today.
The hymns of the Ausbund, many of which were written by imprisoned Anabaptists in the sixteenth century, is the primary songbook used in Amish worship services. Because it does not include musical notations, chants are passed along orally from generation to generation.
The Dordrecht Confession of Faith includes eighteen articles of Christian faith, written by the Dutch Anabaptists in 1632. Candidates for baptism promise to adhere to these articles.
In general, however, the Amish are more concerned with living their beliefs than teaching formal theological doctrine. This becomes clear when we take a look at how they observe the common rituals and major milestones of life.
View each child as a gift, not a god
The attitude toward children begins before birth, with Amish mothers taking pregnancy in stride. Instead of reading self-help books filled with the latest advice for giving birth “your way,” expectant moms learn from experience. Most come from families where birth and childrearing are regular parts of life. They have helped their moms with younger sib
lings or helped older siblings with nieces and nephews. The focus is not on the mother having the perfect birth experience but on gratitude to God for the gift of new life.
The Amish don’t give baby showers—having lots of baby paraphernalia is not in keeping with the Amish value of simplicity—nor do moms spend months fussing over nursery decorations and baby outfits. Baby clothes are shared among families, and toys are handed down from generation to generation.
While births can occur in the hospital, most take place at home with a midwife. If complications are suspected, a doctor is often brought in and the couple may barter for the doctor’s bill, in part or whole.
In our mainstream world, we don’t have to eliminate gifts for newborns—even the Amish make baby quilts. Nor must we eschew modern medicine—even Amish women welcome medical help in complicated births. Yet in our culture of consumption, a baby can sometimes be treated as an idol made in our own image—more as an entitlement than a gift on loan from God.
In many American families, babies become the center of attention. In Amish society, the spotlight remains on God. Babies are loved but not idolized.
Just as God loves us, we are to love our children. God loves us without ever worshiping us. We can do the same.
Keep the rituals of faith: communion and worship
Semiannual Communion and the every-other-week worship services are the central religious rituals in Amish life. These rituals mirror key values of Amish faith—simplicity, humility, community, and submission to God’s will.
Communion services, held in the fall and spring each year, emphasize self-examination and spiritual rejuvenation. Prior to the Communion service, members confess their sins and reaffirm their commitment to the Ordnung. Only when the congregation is “at peace”—when all members are in harmony—can Communion be held. The semiannual service includes preaching, a light meal, the commemoration of Christ’s death with bread and wine, and pairs of members washing each other’s feet as the congregation sings. At the end of the service, members offer alms—the only time a collection is taken during Amish services.
Because the Amish do not have church buildings, they rotate meeting every other Sunday in the home of one of their district members. Each household hosts about once per year. On “off Sundays,” families often read the Bible together or visit services in a nearby district.
Church services reflect the simplicity of Amish life. There are no robes, pulpits, altars, candles, organs, stained glass windows, or choirs—no PowerPoint talks or praise bands. Young children sit with their parents throughout the service, and older youth sit in another section, boys on one side, girls on the other.
Slow, unison singing in German, without instruments, is a central part of community worship. In many traditional districts, church leaders decide who will preach that day while the congregation sings the opening hymn. The person selected preaches without any notes, often in Pennsylvania Dutch dialect. The service includes two sermons: a thirty-minute opening sermon and an hour or longer main sermon. In addition, the deacon reads a passage from Scripture. The community kneels while reciting two prayers, one read from a prayer book and the other silent.
The specific ways you celebrate these rituals of faith most likely will differ from the Amish. Yet no matter how often or in what manner you practice them, Communion and worship services play a central role in the faith life of Christians throughout the world. The origin of both “community” and “Communion” comes from the Latin munus, which refers to gift, and cum, which means together. Practicing these rituals is one important way we can all honor the gift of coming together while keeping our faith life vibrant.
Celebrate baptism as a community
As we discussed earlier, baptism is the most important decision in a young Amish person’s life. Most youth take their baptismal vow between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two. The baptismal vow is a lifelong commitment to follow the ways of Jesus and uphold the Ordnung (“order”) of the church. While most Amish youth do choose baptism, church membership is voluntary; thus, the baptismal ceremony is both a serious decision and a time for celebration.
Outside the Amish community, baptismal practices vary greatly. Some denominations practice infant baptism, others adult baptism, but the central goal is the same: a lifelong commitment to serving God. Whether the person is being dunked, immersed, or sprinkled, baptism is a beautiful ceremony that always brings tears to my eyes and inspires me to recommit my life to God.
My own baptism was a transformational event for our entire family. Because Clark, Emma, and I came to know Christ around the same time, we chose to be baptized together. I will never forget kneeling beside my children, feeling the unity we now shared not only with each other but with the family of believers throughout time. It was a multi-handkerchief day for the family, Matthew and me most of all.
One way we can celebrate baptism is to view it as a symbol that requires reaffirmation every waking moment of our lives. In other words, while the ceremony of baptism is a personal commitment to God, celebrating it as a community can be a gift to every witness present, a reminder of how we must continually die to the old ways and be reborn in the light of Christ.
Focus on the marriage, not the wedding
The average wedding in the United States costs more than $26,000; the Amish wedding, by comparison, reflects the values of simplicity, humility, and community. Rather than worrying about bridesmaids’ dresses and videographers, the Amish place their emphasis on the sacred bond of marriage. As Jesus says, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Matthew 19:5-6).
Weddings are joyous but not extravagant. There are no “save the date” refrigerator magnets, tuxedo rentals, limos, or disposable cameras. Brides do not hire wedding planners, and mothers (and fathers) of the couple remain quietly in the background. God, rather than the band leader, stays front and center throughout the celebrations.
The Amish wedding emphasizes sacred commitments made before God and the church district. It is the ceremony that announces a new position in the community and a new relationship as man and wife. Despite (or perhaps in part because of) these simpler weddings, Amish divorce rates are less than one percent—nearly fifty times less than the divorce rate of both Christian and non-Christian marriages in America.
Because many Amish communities remain agriculturally oriented, Amish marriages usually take place from late October through December, after the fall harvest. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the traditional days for weddings. Parents do not select who their children will marry, but they must give their approval. The deacon often acts as the formal go-between for the families.
After the fall Communion ceremony, couples planning to marry are “published” or announced in front of the congregation during the Sunday church service. The bride’s parents, however, usually have already begun preparations: one sign of an upcoming marriage is the early summer planting of hundreds of stalks of celery, which are put in jars for table decorations at the wedding and served as a vegetable with the meal.
The marriage service, held in the home of the bride’s parents, is similar to the regular Sunday service. Sermons and Bible passages emphasize the relationship between man and wife and the lifelong commitment of marriage.
Because divorce is not considered an option, marriage vows are taken especially seriously. The couple pledges to remain together until death, being loyal and caring for each other throughout adversity, affliction, and illness. The ceremony ends with the minister taking the couple’s hands and telling them to “Go forth in the Lord’s name.” From that day forward, the couple is expected to keep God at the center of the marriage.
After the service, a wedding celebration is held. The traditional meal includes a “roast”—chicken with stuffing, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, applesauce, and creamed celery. Pies, doughnuts, fruit, pu
dding, and several wedding cakes are often eaten later in the day. It can take several seatings to feed all the guests, using the benches from the wedding service to form tables.
In the afternoon, the young people sing hymns, followed by an evening meal for those who have stayed, and one last hymn sing, with the “faster hymns” prevailing.
The couple spends the wedding night at the bride’s home, then helps clean up from the celebration. For the next few months, the newlyweds visit relatives on the weekends, often receiving practical wedding gifts on their visits. By spring, the couple usually is ready to set up their own home.
The Amish have a saying: “Marriage may be made in heaven, but man is responsible for the upkeep.” Yes, the wedding is a time for joyous celebration, but the marriage is what matters. To help marriages stay centered on God, the Amish offer a clever memory tool: “JOY means Jesus first, Yourself last, and Others in between.” That’s sound advice every married couple—in fact, every person—would be wise to heed. What a better world it would be if all marriages centered on commitment rather than convenience, on giving rather than receiving, and on God rather than self!
Care for others in times of mourning
Almost every wedding ceremony includes some version of “till death do us part”—a reminder, even in the midst of great hope and joy, of the final major milestone in each of our lives.
I once heard a pastor talk about the saddest funeral at which he ever officiated. When he introduced his subject, I thought that it would involve the terminal illness of a young child or perhaps a father losing his family in a drunk-driving accident. But this death was even more sobering. An elderly man had contacted the pastor, giving explicit instructions for his funeral and paying for the service in advance. When the man died, no one came to the funeral. Feeling obliged to keep his word, the pastor preached the eulogy to rows of empty chairs.