Emily peeked her head inside the bathroom. “Lots of places.”
“When did you get back to L.A.?”
“Just today.”
“Well…what have you been doing this whole time?”
“Finn, please. I’ve been up for seventy-two hours straight. My head is wrecked. I’m filthy and I’m starving. I need a minute to just chill before you start with the interrogation.” She headed into the kitchen and started rummaging around. “Do you have anything to eat?”
Finn was confounded by how presumptuous Emily’s behavior was. “Please. Help yourself,” he remarked sardonically.
Emily turned an empty bag of potato chips upside down, hoping to catch a few residual crumbs. “Finn, are you really gonna let me starve?”
Finn’s eyes rolled up, exasperated. “No. I have cereal. No milk. Boxed mac and cheese, but again, no milk and no butter. And I have bread. But I think it’s moldy.”
Emily’s eyes spotted the cereal boxes on top of the refrigerator and she quickly grabbed the half full box of Lucky Charms and began greedily consuming it by the handful right out of the box. On her third handful, she leaned her head back and brought her hand to her mouth, making sure not to drop a single piece. With her mouth still half full, she leaned back against the kitchen counter and glanced around to observe Finn’s living situation.
Deciding to turn the questioning around on him to take the heat off herself for a while, she swallowed her mouthful of dry cereal and moved in for the kill. “So, Harper ended it, huh?”
“What? How did you…”
“You’re living here. Alone. In a place much dumpier than your old apartment. You were practically living with us before I left.”
“Well, Harper needed someone to be there. You weren’t exactly around much, and when you were, you’d come crawling through the door at 5 a.m.”
Emily wasn’t expecting Finn to retaliate so quickly, but she refused to cease fire just yet. “So what happened? I know you didn’t cheat on her because…well…we both know you’re not that kind of guy. So what did you do?”
Finn tossed his keys on the coffee table and sat down on the couch, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs. “What makes you so sure it was her that ended it?”
Emily shrugged. “Just a hunch.”
She decided not to elaborate too much on her “hunch” in order to spare Finn his feelings. After all, he was being awfully nice for letting her into his apartment and eating what was left of his cereal. She took another handful of cereal out of the box and swallowed it before she could even finish chewing it.
“Whatever,” replied Finn. “But yeah, we’re not together anymore. So it’s probably best if you go see Harper and leave me out of this, okay?”
“Mmm….I’d love to do that for you, Finn. Really, but I can’t. I came to you for a reason. I thought you could hook me up with a place to stay with one of your friends, or something. But since you’re living here now and you have this big couch, I was thinking maybe I could stay here for a little while.”
Finn balked at Emily’s suggestion. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that she was even here. “Emily, I…I don’t think…Wait, how did you even know where I live?”
“My bus let me off a few blocks from where you work. They told me you left for a doctor’s appointment. I told them I was Harper’s sister and one of your co-workers told me where you were living now. Which led me to believe you two split.”
“Well, what lovely, obliging people my co-workers are.”
“Finn, please. Can’t I stay here? Just for a couple days. I’ll stay on the couch and you won’t even know I’m here. I can’t spend another night in a bus station. Please.”
“You were sleeping in a bus station?”
Emily shrugged. “Sometimes.”
“Emily, where the hell have you been? Seriously, where were you? What did you do? How did you get money?”
Emily put the cereal box on the counter and began to massage her temples with her fingers. “Can I please answer questions later? I really cannot deal right now, okay? If I can’t stay here, then I need to go so I can find someone who’ll let me crash with them.”
“Okay, okay. You can stay. Of course you can stay. But I have to call Harper.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.
“Why?”
“Because she has to know you’re here and that you’re okay.”
“Please don’t do that.”
Finn started dialing Harper’s number. “I have to. It’s only fair for her to know.”
Emily charged at Finn and knocked the cell phone out of his hand. “Don’t!”
Finn pulled back, startled by Emily’s sudden outburst. “What the hell!”
Emily knelt in front of Finn, immediately regretting what she did. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, I know. But please don’t call her.”
“Why not?”
Emily had a million different reasons why she didn’t want her sister to know she was back in LA. The main reasons being that Emily knew how badly she behaved and wasn’t ready to face her sister yet, and she wasn’t prepared to face Harper’s imminent interrogation and line of questioning.
Emily got up and sat down next to Finn on the couch. “I’m just not ready to see her. Please, Finn. I know you’re probably dying for a reason to call her, but please don’t let me be the reason.”
Finn scoffed at the thought. “I’m not trying to find—”
“Okay, fine. But the thing is, I don’t even know if I’m gonna stay. I just needed a place. And some food.”
Finn stood up, angered by Emily’s audacity. “You can’t do that. You can’t just come back here and not see Harper. Do you have any idea what you put her through?”
Emily instantly felt guilty, but refused to show it. She decided to turn to her old friend, apathy. “I’m sure it’s not that dramatic.”
“How could you know that? You weren’t here. She was worried sick about you. And you didn’t even bother to call or let her know you were okay. She cried over you. A lot. Every time her phone rang, she’d be wracked with anticipation, hoping it was you and scared to death that it might be someone calling to tell her you were dead.”
Finn’s words affected Emily more than she expected them too. She tried to fight off that nagging sense of guilt that had been creeping up on her over the last few months, but she couldn’t hinder it any longer. She leaned back on the couch and sighed. “I know. Believe me, I’ve thought about it a lot. You have to understand, I was in a really fucked up place for a while. And I just wanted to evade everything that had to do with what I left behind here. And that included Harper.” She leaned forward and searched through her bag, pulling out a cigarette. “Look, I do plan on seeing her. I mean, I want to. I think. I just don’t want her to see me like this, okay? I need a little time. A few days to…clean up, or whatever.” She pulled a lighter out of her bag and lit the cigarette.
Finn reached over, pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and dropped it in the half empty beer bottle on the coffee table. The cigarette hissed and fizzled when it came into contact with the stale brew.
“Don’t smoke in here.”
Emily nodded. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
It was at this moment, Finn took notice of Emily’s eyes. It was the first time he allowed himself to really scrutinize her since she stepped into his apartment. It was in her eyes he could see she was struggling; fighting to stay as obstinate as she so badly wants to appear. But it was easy to see that feelings of remorse were rushing over her, drowning out any power she previously had over her emotions. Finn observed her tired eyes as they looked to the floor. Emily put her head in her hands as her shoulders slumped over. Finn strained his ears to listen for any sign that she may be crying. So far, he heard nothing, which was somewhat of a relief. He didn’t think he could handle any tears from her at this moment
. Finn brought his hand up and gently placed it on Emily’s lower back, slowly rubbing the material on her shirt, trying to comfort her the best way he could.
“Can I use your shower?”
Emily’s words were muffled, but Finn could just barely make out what she was asking him.
“Of course.”
“Thank you.” Emily got up, walked over to the kitchen counter and grabbed the box of Lucky Charms. She finished off what was left of its contents and looked at Finn in a rather pitiful way. “I don’t suppose you have anything else?”
Finn shook his head. “I’ll order take out. You like Chinese?”
“Chinese is perfect.”
“Kung Pao House is the best around here, but they don’t deliver. Are you gonna be okay if I go pick it up? I’ll be like fifteen minutes.”
Emily nodded. “Yeah, no problem.”
Finn stood up and grabbed his keys. “Okay, well the bathroom is down the hall on the right. Towels are in the closet right outside the bathroom door. Do you want anything in particular?”
“Cashew shrimp. And anything with noodles.”
Finn watched Emily as she walked across the living room to the hall. He hadn’t realized how gaunt and weakened she appeared, which was quite a departure from the last time he saw her. She’d always been thin, but her huge personality more than made up for it. But now, there seemed to be a definite change in her demeanor. It made him wonder what else had changed about her.
“You know…” he started, but immediately clammed up.
Emily turned around. “What?”
“I…uh…I don’t have any money lying around, or anything. So please don’t make a mess looking for any. You won’t find it.”
Emily grew tense and defensive, but she reminded herself of her track record and tried to respond as calmly as possible. “I don’t want your money, Finn. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“But you would do it to Harper.”
“No! God, that was one time and I swear I felt really bad about it. I still do. I don’t do that stuff anymore. I stopped. I mean, I’m trying to stop. I haven’t done anything like that in over four months. Okay?”
Finn felt a tinge of remorse over what he had said. He nodded in understanding. “Okay, I’ll be back in a few.”
Emily opened the hall closet, pulled out a towel and stepped into the bathroom as she heard the front door close. She peeled off her clothes as the bathroom mirror started steaming up from the hot water. Once she stepped inside the shower, immediate relief fell upon her with every drop that rolled down her body. While she began to rub the fresh-smelling shampoo in her hair, she couldn’t help but think of Harper and what she would say to her.
Emily knew that, no matter what her excuse was, she’d always be seen as an asshole. It was a label she believed was fully deserved. She had a decent life, had decent parents that were still married–a rarity amongst her friends. She never quite understood her need to destroy everything that was good in her life. She knew it would be so much easier to blame someone. Her sister for being born first and being labeled as the “good one,” her parents, her friends, the school system…but she was smart enough to know that the blame lies solely with her. She rested her hand against the shower wall and lowered her head, allowing the drops of hot water to bead down her neck. From the moment she stepped off the bus in Santa Monica, all she could think about was how badly she wanted a shower. She was hungry, exhausted, and an emotional wreck, and she firmly believed that a shower would make everything better. And for one fleeting moment, she was right. For that brief moment, she felt all her sins and all the shame she had been carrying with her for the past two years wash away. But just as soon as they were gone, her burdens came right back, weighing her down once again the moment she thought of Harper and how she was going to have to explain everything to her sister. She lifted her head and began to rinse off her hair, suds sliding down her body, creating a pathway to the drain. She couldn’t shake the haunting questions swirling around her head. What if Harper rejected her? What if she never forgave her? What if Harper refused to allow her back into their home?
***
“Okay, I want you to tuck that blanket behind the dresser. Make sure it’s secure so it doesn’t fall off,” directed Harper.
“Okay,” replied Emily, her short arms reaching as far as they could behind her dresser drawers. “I got it.”
“All right. Now duck back under and come help me tie this sheet to the bed post,” said Harper.
Emily crawled her way back over to where her sister was and held onto the sheet for her. Once the sheet was securely tied to the bed post, Harper grabbed a pillow from Emily’s bed and pulled off the case. She draped it over the blanket that was hanging between the dresser and the side of the bed.
“This will be your doorway,” explained Harper, as she lifted it up for Emily to go under.
Emily’s eyes widened with delight. “Cool!” She quickly got on her knees and crawled through the pillowcase inside her own little sanctuary with blankets and sheets as her ceiling. There wasn’t much room for kneeling, but she could easily sit up without her head touching the blankets above her. It was rather dark in there, but that’s just how she wanted it. She grabbed the flashlight from under her bed, turned it on, and poked her head out from the pillowcase.
“Aren’t you going to come in?”
Harper smirked at the wonderment in her sister’s eyes. “Am I invited?”
Emily giggled with delight. “Yeah! Come down here!” Without any delay, Emily’s head disappeared back inside her little fort.
Harper got on her hands and knees and crawled into the fortress she had built for her sister. She scooted her legs all the way in and reached over to bring the pillowcase back down. The dull beam from the flashlight was the only light they had. Emily pointed the flashlight up, dimly illuminating their faces.
“Can I sleep in here?”
Harper hunched over, tucking her legs behind her. “Only if mom and dad say it’s okay.”
Emily laid her head back on the pillows they used as her makeshift bed. “Will it really work?”
Harper smiled, envying her sister’s innocence. “Of course it’ll work. It worked for me when I was your age. I know it’ll work for you.”
Emily reached over and grabbed her stuffed Tigger doll, pressing him tightly to her body. “Maybe I can stay in here tomorrow, instead of going to school.”
“I don’t think that’ll happen. But once you get home, it’ll be here waiting for you.”
After a long pause, Emily pleaded with Harper. “Do I have to go school?”
“Yes, you have to go. Mom and dad will only let you stay home if you’re sick and you don’t want to waste your fake sick days on grade school. Trust me.”
Harper felt her sister’s pain; she really did. She knew exactly why her sister didn’t want to go to school. A couple of girls were making fun of Emily, for no reason whatsoever; just to do it. But they were the girls that the entire second grade class looked up to, so of course no one came to Emily’s defense. Not even her friends, who were too scared they’d get teased as well. Harper couldn’t understand why anyone would tease her sister. Sure, she was the smallest seven-year-old in her class, but she was incredibly smart and very sweet. But everyone had their issues at school–whether it was being teased, like Emily, or having embarrassing rumors spread about you, like Harper did. School was never the best place to be to build your self-esteem, and sometimes the teasing was too relentless to bear. Harper knew that all too well, so when Emily came home crying, she wanted to help assuage her sister. So she built her a fort in the area between Emily’s bed and dresser, just as Harper had done for herself a few years ago. When school proved to be too much for her, she came home and found sanctuary amongst the blankets and sheets she used to cover herself from the outside world. Now, it was Emily’s turn. With Harper in junior high now, they didn’t go to the same school anymore,
so she wasn’t around to defend her little sister if needed.
“What if they’re mean to me again? I don’t want to cry in front of anyone” said Emily.
“Then you come home and cry in here. And no one will know. No one will see you and no one will laugh at you. And then, when your tears are dry, you come out and tell me who was mean to you and I’ll go talk to them.”
“No. Don’t do that. I’ll be fine. I’ll just stay in here and it’ll be okay.”
Harper switched positions, lying down on her stomach with her head resting on a pillow. “All right. But you know I’ll always be here if you need me.”
“I know.”
***
Emily shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, wrapping the towel around her body. She still felt a little shaken and nervous thinking about her potential reunion with Harper. She’d been through a lot in the last couple years, but didn’t think Harper would understand exactly what it took to get her to this point. The misadventures Emily had been through, the places she slept, the less than pleasurable things she had done and seen, she knew none of it would be enough for Harper to take pity on her. Emily had always been a wild one. Her mercurial personality made it easy for her to do as she pleased without taking anyone else’s feelings into consideration. It was those capricious ways that led her to develop a sense of apathy that no one else could understand, which eventually led to her alienating those she loved the most.
Her head began to ache thinking about the consequences she was about to face. After tentatively going through Finn’s drawers with the sole purpose of looking for something to sleep in, she settled on a pair of sweats and an old high school varsity soccer t-shirt. She never thought a couch could look so inviting. But once she stepped into the living room and lay down on the sofa, she was passed out within five minutes and proceeded to sleep for seventeen hours straight. When Finn came home to find her asleep, he put the Chinese food in the fridge, along with some milk and a new box of cereal he picked up. He then grabbed an extra blanket from his bedroom closet and draped it over Emily, doing his best not to wake her.
A Fine Mess Page 8