***
Finn spent the week immersing himself in work and spent his evenings with friends, including Seth. After hearing about Seth hooking up with Kiley, he was actually surprised at how angry he got and began to feel protective over her. He knew it was time to let go of anything having to do with Harper, and that included Harper’s friends. So he laughed it off and played the part of the high-fiving friend, congratulating Seth on landing such a hottie.
He considered himself lucky that Susan had been so consumed with work and taking care of Andrew, who had the stomach flu over the last week. They had spoken on the phone a few times, trying to fit in a time to see each other. But every time their schedules clashed, Finn would heave a sigh of relief. He knew the longer he waited to tell Susan about what happened with Harper, the worse it would be. He wasn’t ready to confess his sins to her just yet. But today, it seemed the universe was ready for karma to take effect on Finn. Andrew was finally feeling better and Susan made it a point to not make any plans for the weekend in order to recuperate from her hectic week.
With a heavy heart, especially upon hearing how excited Susan was to see him, Finn had agreed to come over tonight. Susan managed to find a sitter for Andrew and she felt like getting out, not caring about where they went. Finn spent the entire day with a knotted stomach. He even downed a Xanax he managed to procure from a high-strung co-worker, but it didn’t seem to help much. He spent the day planning out what to say to Susan. He knew that while it wasn’t entirely her fault, blaming Harper was the easiest thing to do, so that would be his story. Harper seduced him, made him believe she wanted him back, made him feel needed, and used him. He was all prepared to deliver the speech victimizing himself and vilifying the evil witch that had spurned him once again.
The tension that had been building up all day was now about to implode as Finn approached Susan’s door and rang the doorbell. As the door opened, his head lowered in order to make eye contact with the young man who opened the door.
“Hi!”
“Uh…hey.” Finn was not expecting this.
“My mom said I could open the door and say hi to you.”
“Did she?”
“Yeah. I wanted to show you this.” Andrew gestured to the Dodgers hat sitting atop his head.
“Oh wow. Look at that. You’ve come around to be a Dodgers fan,” replied Finn.
“Well, I still like the Angels more.” Andrew smiled, revealing his two missing teeth. His prominent dimples weren’t lost among the freckles on his cheeks.
“I suppose I can live with that. Is your mom here?”
“Yeah.” Andrew turned around and ran off shouting, “Mom! He’s here! He’s here!”
Finn officially felt like the biggest asshole that ever walked the planet. What was once a difficult thing was now made nearly impossible thanks to the cutest eight-year-old kid he had ever met. He waited at the door, each passing moment feeling like an hour until Susan finally met him.
“Hey! You could have come in. Sorry. My son is still trying to learn manners.”
“Oh that’s okay.”
“How are you?” Susan greeted him with a small kiss on the mouth.
“Um…I’m good. I’m good.” He maneuvered his way backward to avoid any more lip contact for the time being. No matter how badly he wanted to kiss her, it just wouldn’t be right.
“Andrew insisted on answering the door when I told him you were coming over.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. But don’t worry. The sitter’s got him in her grasp now, so I think we’re good to go.”
“Excellent. How does Houston’s sound?”
“Great! I’m starved.”
***
After a bit of an awkward silence during dinner, Susan thought she’d offer a nice tidbit of information in order to lighten the mood.
“You know, you’re the first guy I’ve dated that I’ve allowed Andrew to meet.” Little did she know, it had the opposite effect on Finn.
Of course, thought Finn. He forced a smile and continued to eat the grilled artichoke in front of them. “That’s really great. I hope you remember that.”
“Why do you want me to remember that?” Susan took a sip of her iced tea.
Finn tensed up. All he could hear was the “rhubarb” and “watermelon” chatter from the restaurant patrons around them. He finished off the last of the artichoke and brought his eyes up to meet Susan’s. Her hair was cascading down her back with long, loose curls hanging at her shoulders. Her eyes met his with a look of serene contentment and he felt horrible for having to be the one to disrupt such a genuine feeling of placidity.
“I have to tell you something,” said Finn.
“You’ve been tightly wound since you picked me up. What’s going on?”
Finn sighed and began tapping his fingertips on the table. “Well, you know I really like you, right? I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious.”
“I have an inkling.”
“So I want to be one hundred percent honest with you.”
“Okay.”
“I screwed up.”
The faint smile that once lay across Susan’s face slowly faded.
“In what way?”
Finn lowered his eyes to the table. His plan fell apart. He knew Harper wasn’t to blame. He wanted her that night. He wanted to cling to his past so badly. He needed to hold on to a time when his life made sense and had some direction. He made a mistake and now he had to own up and stop blaming Harper for his error.
“I slept with Harper.”
Susan didn’t say anything. She just leaned back against the booth, as if in need of some sort of physical support after the bombshell Finn just dropped.
“It was the night of Seth’s party. After you left,” Finn continued. “I know it’s no excuse, but we were both really drunk. I honestly don’t even know what I was thinking. It was one of those things where you see yourself doing it and you want to scream ‘stop!’ but for some reason, you can’t. It’s like trying to wake up from bad dream, you know?”
Finn was met with silence. He looked up to see Susan’s eyes beginning to well up. She looked to the ground, half nodding and trying to make sense of the situation.
“She was crying. I felt really bad and for some stupid reason, I felt like I was obligated to make her feel better. And I was wrong. I see that now, and I know it now and I’m done with her. I’m never seeing her or speaking to her again. It was just a weak moment.” Finn moved his head to try to catch her eye. “Susan?”
“Take me home.”
“Just let me explain.”
“Take me home.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Take me home, now.”
Finn nodded. “Let me settle the check.”
***
The conversation on the car ride home was non-existent. Finn looked straight ahead while Susan watched the buildings go by out the passenger side window. He pulled up to her place and left the engine idle. Susan took off her seatbelt and hesitated for a moment. Finn braced himself for the worst.
“Due to these circumstances, it’s probably best that you don’t contact me anymore or come back as a patient. Though, you obviously still need help in sorting through your issues, so call my assistant on Monday and she’ll give you a list of referrals. I’ll send you to someone really good. I’ll make sure they take care of you.”
Finn traced his finger along the steering wheel. “I’m really sorry. I’m such an asshole.”
“You’re a good person, Finn. You really are. You’re a good person who did a really stupid thing. It means you’re human. You’re allowed to fuck up. And the fact that you feel bad about it is a good thing. It means you’re not a sociopath.”
“Is this really over?” Finn was reliving flashbacks of the moment Harper broke off their engagement.
“I’m afraid so. Maybe it’s for the best. This is the most unprofessional thing I’v
e ever done. I guess it had to end sometime. Better sooner than later.”
“I’m sorry, Susan.”
“I know. You mentioned that. You take care. And make sure you keep seeking help, okay? It’ll get better, eventually. I promise.” Susan got out of the car.
The door slammed shut and she walked up to her door and disappeared inside her house. Finn sat there re-evaluating the situation, trying to pin down exactly what point his life started on this downward spiral. Harper flashed into his mind, but quickly disappeared. Flashes of work, therapy, college, high school and his childhood all flickered into his mind and he realized it wasn’t just one catalyst. It was a little bit of everything.
CHAPTER 27
Emily was in the kitchen putting away the last of the groceries she had picked up when Harper walked through the front door. She looked terrible, as if she had been in a fist fight. Her golden hair was matted and a tangled mess. Her eye makeup was smudged as if she had been crying and then slept in it. Her shirt was wrinkled and a noticeable tear had formulated at the seam. She walked in and dropped her purse on the floor, then grabbed a carton of orange juice out of the fridge and proceeded to drink it without the use of a glass. She wiped her mouth, put it back, and headed for her room. Feeling Emily’s eyes watching her, she cut her off before a word was said.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” At that, Harper closed the door to her room, leaving Emily to decipher what exactly went down last night.
But Emily being the stubborn Taurus that she was, wouldn’t accept Harper’s dismissal of what happened. She only knocked twice before she opened her sister’s door.
“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” Harper was in the midst of changing her shirt.
“Jesus! What happened there?” Emily pointed to Harper’s back, which had a very conspicuous bruise along the middle of it.
Harper twisted her head around to try to see what her sister was talking about. “Oh that. It’s nothing.”
“Harper.”
“It’s nothing, Em.”
Emily sat on the bed slightly confused. “Kiley didn’t do that, did she?”
Harper shrugged. “In a way, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
After a dragged out sigh, Harper acquiesced to her sister’s incessant interrogation. “It wasn’t exactly Kiley. It was more the bar that she pushed me up against.”
“She pushed you up against the bar?” Emily was growing incensed.
Harper smiled coyly, despite her annoyance. “Not like that, Em. I mean…in a good way. She pushed me up against it in a… fun way.”
“A good way…” Emily thought about that for a moment until she finally hit a brick wall. “Oh! Oh wow! Are you serious?”
“Yup.” Harper adjusted the shirt she just put on and started brushing out her hair.
“Holy crap! Well, tell me what happened!” Emily excitedly sat Indian-style on her sister’s bed in hopes of hearing a juicy story.
“Not really in the mood to discuss it.”
“Why not?”
“Because when I woke up, she was gone.”
“What?”
“And she hasn’t even attempted to contact me yet.”
“Have you tried calling her?”
“No, but she’s the one who left.”
Emily nodded in understanding. “Well maybe— “
“Emily! Just drop it, okay? Why do you even give a shit, anyway?”
The words stung Emily, and Harper knew they would, but she really didn’t care at the moment.
“You’ve been gone all this time and now you’re suddenly pretending to care about what happens in my life? You think I can’t take care of myself? I’ve been doing a damn fine job of it. I’ve been on my own for a while. No mom, no dad, no you, no Finn. And now it looks like there will be no Kiley.”
“Are you really saying this? You really think I don’t care about you?”
“You haven’t earned the right to care,” replied Harper. “Caring means sticking around.”
“Can’t you see the changes I’ve made? I’ve been working my ass off to make things up to you! And I know it’s gonna take time, but I’m trying.”
Harper looked at her sister. Emily was right. She had been taking giant leaps toward redemption. She’s not only matured mentally, but physically as well. Where there once sat a scrawny, pale little girl was now a young woman whose maturity and beauty were shining through. Yet every time Harper looked at her, all she could see was abandonment and resentment.
Emily stood up. “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, Harper. You tried. You showed her how you felt and unfortunately her true colors finally shone through to you. Kiley’s a bitch. She always has been. I’m sorry this happened, but maybe now you’ll get it through your head.”
“She’s not a bitch.”
“Stop defending her!” yelled Emily.
“Stop cutting her down!” replied Harper. “I don’t know what Kiley ever did to you, but I’m sick of you constantly berating her. She fucked up. She left. And it sucks. And it hurts. And maybe I’m the one who screwed up by acting on my impulses. I just lost my best friend.”
“Because she’s a coward.”
“Enough of this. Just leave me the hell alone.” Harper stormed out of the house, leaving Emily reeling.
A sense of panic began to set in for Emily. Her sister wanted nothing to do with her. Running away obviously caused some irreparable damage to their relationship and no matter how hard she tried, nothing she did was good enough to make it better. She felt herself becoming unnerved. The anxiety was building up and her breathing suddenly became more rapid. She was alone. Completely alone. She had no friends and the only family she had was pushing her away. She felt a sense of darkness falling on her even though the sun was shining brightly outside. Emily often ran on the ‘first thought, best thought’ idea to get through life, which meant that she never really thought things through before acting on her first instinct. And her first instinct now was leading her directly to her bedroom and directly down a path she swore she’d never go down again. On her hands and knees, she felt around under her mattress for the little hole she cut into it years ago. She pulled out something she brought back with her just in case she needed it. Fully aware is was a moronic idea, she often contemplated throwing it out. But something inside her told her to hold onto it just a little bit longer. Grasping the clear plastic bag full of the white, powdery substance that she often equated to her escape, she got up, opened the bag and poured part of it out onto her dresser. Looking around for something to cut it with, she reached into her desk drawer and pulled out her dad’s old Swiss army knife. She examined it for a moment thinking it was far too awkward and clunky to use for this kind of job, but for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to put it down. Forgetting about the means of escape strewn out on her dresser waiting to be absorbed by her nose, she sat down on her bed and scrutinized the red and silver object in her hand, pulling out each individual accessory one at a time. She remembered stumbling upon it while going through their parents’ things after the funeral.
Suddenly, a memory she had been avoiding crept up on her. Her heart dropped the moment she realized what day it was.
“Shit. Oh shit.”
She placed the knife on her desk and went to her dresser to wipe off the Cocaine and residue it left behind. She made one stop to the bathroom to flush it and the remaining contents of the bag down the toilet before she ran out the door in the hopes of finding her sister.
***
The leaves rustled in the trees above. The sun shined down on Harper’s face causing her to squint as the light breeze blew strands of hair over her face, tickling her nose. All this coupled with the robust green grass surrounding her equaled an atmosphere that didn’t exactly match the location. She stood there in deep reflection face-to-face with something she hadn’t seen in a year. She knelt down and traced her finger
along the engraved wording on the granite headstone: “Paul Foley: 1960–2008 Beloved Father” and “Trisha O’Neal Foley: 1961–2008 Beloved Mother and Sister.” The ‘Sister’ part always caught Harper’s attention. She initially didn’t want it because her mother didn’t speak much of her sister and Harper and Emily rarely got to see their aunt Karen. But when they died, aunt Karen put up a huge fight over what would go on her sister’s headstone. Harper added the ‘Sister’ on there to assuage her and was even convinced that maybe now she’d get to see more of her. Maybe her aunt would come in and check on them every once in a while. The fact is, they hadn’t seen her since the funeral and only heard from her on Christmas. Harper felt a tinge of sadness thinking about her mother’s strained relationship with her sister and began to equate it to her own situation. Her finger was outlining the T in Trisha when she suddenly felt a presence behind her. Without turning around or standing up, she acknowledged the new visitor.
“I was wondering when you would show up.”
“I can’t believe I almost forgot.” Emily was out of breath when she approached Harper.
“It’s a day burned on my brain.”
A Fine Mess Page 26