by Bowes, K T
He looked down at his feet, scuffing the toe of one boot with the other as if he felt awkward. Looking at Hana from under long, black lashes, Logan’s brow creased as he mysteriously picked up some inkling of the conflicts raging around her mind and he reached up and stroked her cheek with rough-skinned but gentle fingers. Hana wasn’t brave. The last hour walking home had reminded her of that fact, horribly so. Knowing an empty house awaited her with lights set carefully ablaze in a pretence of being wanted and welcome in her sanctuary, knowing if she went missing nobody would realise until too late, Hana was forced to face and conquer some formidable demons during her stomp home. Loneliness had slowly and quietly become an issue, a gnawing, paralysing fear of being left with the dregs of life, while all those she loved went on to have a full and busy existence surrounded by those who needed them.
Disappointment was another matter. Where was the life of abundance that followed the self-denial and the going-without she and Vik had experienced? To have gone through the struggle of immigration and the dreadful isolation and uncertainty it brought with it and not have the comfort at the end of it, but to be even more isolated and uncertain, brought a sense of having been seriously cheated. The latter fostered a self-pity that was self-perpetuating and destructive.
Hana fought these demons in the darkness and come finally to a place of peace within herself. She was coasting through life, in a state of permanent ordinariness, no challenge, no relying on God at all. Hana drifted through in her own pitiful strength and shied from change, trouble, memories and especially from pain. In the final stomp up the exceedingly quiet Resolution Drive, she made some decisions of her own. Some things had been static for far too long.
As Logan reached for her this time instead of staying neutral and cold and fighting her attraction, Hana moved towards him and buried her face in his coat, wrapping her arms around his back. If Logan was amazed at the change in her, he was wise enough not to comment, but held her tightly before kissing her gently on the top of her head a number of times and running his hands gently up through the hair at the back of her neck. It was Hana who initiated the kiss on his lips and who held his hand tightly in hers as they sat on the steps up to the front door, chatting about their day and listening to the sound of the crickets increasing as they settled down for the night.
Logan was the first to hear Hana’s newly formed resolutions. “I’m selling this house,” she said, the smile sounding in her voice. “I need to move on. I’m putting it up for auction. I’m also selling that damn car.”
Logan didn’t ask what precipitated the decision-making, nor did he challenge any of them. He pulled her face up to his and laid warm and tender lips over hers. Hana felt her heart drop down to her knees and revelled in the sensation. She was a grown woman who had birthed two children. Her body reminded her what attraction felt like as their kiss deepened and it made her feel hot and bothered. It always seemed to be Logan who ended it, backing off as though afraid to push her. Hana felt a stab of frustration mingled with relief. Inwardly she knew that she wasn’t yet ready for anything more.
Hana looked at the rusting bannister rail on the front steps. The task of selling up seemed overwhelming. Logan didn’t seem to think so, asking only, “What can I do to help?”
At that point, Hana got totally stuck. She didn’t know. Her thought process had only got her as far as the decisions, not to a position of rationalising them and following through.
“Why don’t you have this truck?” he offered. “I can use the bike or the Triumph, or borrow one of the lad’s cars and I can sell yours online to save you the bother.” To her protests about him having the hassle, he seemed happy to oblige and waved them aside. “Maybe best you don’t have people coming round here to see it, not when you’re on your own. When the bumper’s fixed, I can clean it and take it…if you want me to that is?”
Abruptly he seemed to lack confidence and the spark started to dissipate. For a second they had been of one mind, happily planning Hana’s future and now it was in danger of fizzling out like a damp firework. She resurrected it. “Thanks so much. I would appreciate it. Are you sure you don’t mind me having your car? I'd pay the difference if you put me on the insurance.”
Logan hugged her to him. It would be lovely knowing that she was driving around in his truck, kind of special. She still had his sweater from before when she had come to Henrietta’s bacon feast and been cold. He hadn’t asked for it back and she hadn’t offered. It comforted him knowing that she had something of his. Something else of his. People were much more essential to wellbeing than shiny things. He had learned that the hardest way possible.
The night grew colder and reluctantly Logan left. They huddled together like teenagers on the steps till the last, sampling something new and exciting until the neighbourhood lights went out in the houses opposite and blinds and curtains twitched shut. The truck fired up and was gone, but not before Logan saw Hana safely inside the house and waving from the sunroom window. No point in taking chances now, he figured.
After years of searching the world for the hauntingly beautiful redhead and finally giving up and acknowledging the futility of his dream, there she was, right under his nose. Hana waved as Logan climbed into his truck, blissfully oblivious to his inner agonies. He was terrified of scaring her off and it showed in his nervousness around her and his uncharacteristic awkwardness.
Hana waved as Logan backed off the drive, his face unreadable. He tried hard not to dwell on his growing disappointment. She didn’t remember him.
Chapter 25
Logan turned up bright and early with his truck in the morning, but didn’t catch Hana unawares this time. She drove Logan’s Hilux to school while he directed her on the finer points of the temperamental vehicle. It felt huge compared to her Serena, despite the fact it was smaller but it had far more blind spots, one of which the head of art’s Toyota Vitz was almost entirely swallowed up in. At the last moment, Hana managed to swerve to avoid shunting it.
“You probably should have driven straight in on the first go, rather than reversing,” Logan pointed out, trying to be helpful. He received a glare and a repeat of the experience as his reward.
“I always back in!” Hana retorted, flattening one of the prize rose bushes which surrounded the Chapel car park before coming to rest, slightly wonkily in the space allocated to her. “Last time I drove in, I ended up being attacked. At least this way, I can see if anyone’s hiding by the car from miles away.” Bending down to retrieve the road kill rose and attempting to stand it up again, Hana failed to notice a number of staff sitting quietly in their vehicles, too afraid to get out.
“Ok, ok,” Logan soothed, hiding his smirk. “I’ll see you later.” He dipped his head as though to kiss her and then thought better of it. He satisfied himself with a light touch of her hand.
Hana hurried into the office to put her stuff away and then rushed into the staff briefing. Admin staff were only allowed in on certain days, the meeting reserved for teachers. At a nod from Angus, Donald Watson stood importantly and in his monotone began an announcement which left Hana reeling. “It is with great sadness I must announce that Anka van Blerk has left our school with immediate effect. She has been at this school for seventeen years in many capacities and proved to be an asset. She is leaving to concentrate on family issues and will be greatly missed. A card will be circulating over the next few days, along with a collection which I know you will give generously to.”
Nodding his thanks in advance at the expected avalanche of money which in reality rarely went into collections, Donald sat down with a bump. Throughout the announcement, Hana noticed that Angus’ face remained fixed and gave nothing away. Hana stared at her feet and contemplated life at the school without her friend. A general buzz of concern went round the gathered crowd and a few people tried to whisper to Hana, assuming she knew the circumstances surrounding Anka’s sudden decision to leave. Hana couldn’t trust herself not to say the wrong thing, so she smiled
and nodded, reassuring those who enquired. After the meeting she didn’t stop for a drink, but high tailed it to the office in an attempt to avoid the interest.
Sheila however was simply buzzing with questions and assumed Hana would provide all the answers. “Come on,” she said, irritated at Hana’s reticence, “she’s your friend. You must know something.”
Consequently Hana was to be found during period three, hiding down in the staff workroom after some sniffly tears in the toilets and a text to Anka, wishing her well and imploring her to stay in touch. When by lunchtime she had received no reply, Hana felt doleful and convinced her friendship with Anka was over. Mixed in with the sadness was anger, that she had been cheated out of a relationship yet again through circumstances beyond her control. No matter how Hana felt about her friend’s behaviour, she had no intention of betraying Anka’s secret to the rest of the staff. She would have to be careful what she said. A dreadful tendency to put her foot in it had left Hana cautious.
The door to the workroom opened and Logan strode in with a bundle of books and papers clutched under his arm. He looked flustered, despite his smart appearance in shirt and paisley tie, black slacks and polished boots. His dark hair stuck up as though he had run frantic hands through it.
Seeing Hana he made a beeline for her, weaving through the tables piled high with marking and clutter, either abandoned by other teaching staff late for class, or simply left and forgotten. He didn’t sit down but stood quietly in front of her, his awkwardness apparent in the jerky movements he made with his head and hands. Hana noticed for the first time, he couldn’t seem to keep still. His grey eyes bore into hers as he asked her, “Did you know?”
Hana was momentarily non-plussed and her face betrayed the honest soul searching as she wondered what he could be talking about. It dawned on her that he might be referring to Anka’s hasty resignation and her porcelain face flushed. Deciding to clarify things before she put her famous foot in it, Hana answered with a question, “What are we talking about? Know what?”
The fact she had hesitated and the inner fencing she openly revealed, made Logan irritated as he replied caustically, “About Anka. Did you know?”
Obviously everyone knew. Fantastic! Logan wasn’t usually that hot on gossip and the goings on of the school, so it must be bad. Hana framed her answer carefully in her head but before she could say it, Logan drew his own conclusions from the delay. “Thanks a lot!” he countered, “Thanks a bloody lot!”
With that, he spun on his heel and blasted from the room, leaving his books on the table near the door and sending a precarious heap of papers tumbling and cascading down onto the floor. Hana was stunned. She sat for a moment incredulous at his reaction, but then as the shock wore off she became angry. How dare he assume she had to share everything with him? They weren’t even properly going out together yet. How could he justify taking ownership of her and getting upset because she hadn’t chosen to betray the confidence of a very dear friend, who was obviously having a terrible midlife crisis?
Hana thumped her fist on the desk which was completely unsatisfactory as a gesture of annoyance. She hurt her hand and caused the computer mouse to dive off onto the floor, adding to her misery. “Damn it!” she exclaimed to the empty room, thumping the table angrily with her fist again. It hurt just as much the second time.
Her sanctuary destroyed, Hana contemplated going off home for the rest of the day. She could honestly say she had a pounding headache, as she could feel it crawling up the back of her neck from her tense shoulders. The workroom steadily filled with teachers trying to squeeze a bit more marking or research into their already packed day, gulping cups of steaming coffee and taking frenzied bites of sandwich as they worked away. Hana left, stopping as she reached the doorway to grab the tower of paper and books Logan had forgotten. It was actually quite a big pile, but hadn’t appeared so large under his arm and Hana struggled with the combined weight of her own work and his.
Passing one of the school bins, she wrestled with the urge to dump his in it and decided instead, she would put it into the truck outside the Chapel. Obviously he would require that back from her. If he was angry enough to storm off, he was hardly going to let her borrow his 4 x 4.
Struggling not to drop it all as she fought with the car key, alarm button and door, Hana again wished she had ditched it and then felt guilty at the thought of the boys whose work it probably was. What mayhem and recriminations that would cause as the boys whined at Logan for losing their homework, followed by phone calls from parents about loss of equipment due to teacher negligence. Her wicked thoughts were halted by the memory of the end of term-one tests looming. The boys would have nothing to revise from. Mutely and obediently Hana’s enjoyment was crushed by her conscience and she went to drastic lengths to ensure the safety of the books, even stopping to wrap the seatbelt around them on the back seat.
Hana was engrossed in her silly mission and didn’t notice someone come up behind her and stand too close. As she slammed the door and turned, she discovered the fact for herself. Peter North scratched at a spot on his forehead and watched her with interest. “What are you doing?” he asked, as the top layer of papers in the back seat slid gently off the pile and down onto the floor. Hana took a deep breath, grabbed his hand and placed the keys none-to-gently in it.
“Give these to Logan, please.” Turning, she stomped in the direction of the guidance counsellors’ entrance, remembering too late that her own work was mixed in with Logan’s. Peter North stared after her, jingling Logan’s truck keys, soon distracted by the sight of a couple of Year 11s disappearing out of the front gates. The keys went into his pocket as North set off in hot pursuit.
Bursting through the separate door which led up the back way into the student centre, Hana found herself inside the tranquil lobby of the guidance suite. Set out as a waiting room, it housed chairs against the back wall and a coffee table in the centre, although the boys had no access to coffee in this place; making the table somewhat redundant. As she entered the area, the door marked ‘Evie Douglas’ opened and a boy emerged. He smiled and giggled and Evie patted him encouragingly on the shoulder, speaking to him in understanding tones. “Good boy, Kevin, remember what we’ve talked about. Use your strategies and it will work out. Come back and tell me on Friday will you?”
The student, Year 10 and around fourteen years old, nodded emphatically and waved as he got outside the door. He shouted off the balustrade to a group of boys on the ground floor, who looked up and then threw a tennis ball for him to catch.
Evie Douglas’ clipped attention turned to Hana and with a smile of recognition she indicated her office. Hana felt instantly awkward, regretting the short cut she had chosen upstairs. She only had to go through the adjoining door and she would be at the back of the common room. Evie had got the wrong idea; surely it would be easy enough to sort out. Hana felt strangely numb and experienced a sense of impending doom as she mentally watched the new facets of her life crumble and twist before her eyes and the staleness of what was left, dull and choking, rise up to infill. She reluctantly grabbed at the figurative rope thrown to her, walked into the office and sat in the chair that Evie offered.
Forty-five minutes later, Hana emerged from the room feeling infinitely better about things. She hadn’t meant to confide in Evie, but was glad she had. She judged the woman to be trustworthy based on the bulging filing cabinets that lined the walls, files full of secrets and confidences. Evie was attentive and considerate, listening with genuine interest and care. Hana burbled on about Vik’s death and how it affected her and the children, finishing with how much she had grown to like Logan, until today. “He was so angry. He’s given me a lift a few times, we’ve had the odd...well...and anyway who does he think he is? I don’t have to tell him my friend’s secret if I don’t want to. Do I? It’s my own stupid fault. I was determined not to trust anyone again, not after...” Hana came to an abrupt halt and gulped. Nearly! Her inner voice chastised her.
/> Evie was interested in the perceived change in Logan’s behaviour. “Why do you think he reacted like that? He doesn’t strike me as a control freak.”
“I have absolutely no idea,” Hana’s face screwed up in defence. “But he won’t be getting a second chance!”
They moved onto the subject of support networks and friendships and Evie’s eyes became larger as Hana embellished on the news of Anka’s forbidden affair, after extracting a promise of professional secrecy. That same professionalism kept any reaction on Evie’s part in check. Evie deliberately didn’t ask which student Anka had gotten involved with, but there was a moment when Hana inadvertently mentioned his name and a muted ‘Oh,’ became framed on Evie’s immaculately rosebud painted lips. As Hana left, Evie touched her gently on her shoulder and carefully suggested she seek out Logan and speak to him as a matter of urgency. “I don’t usually give advice,” she said, “I don’t feel it’s my role. But I sincerely believe you should speak to Logan and fast. I think you’ll find a lot of things can be cleared up candidly that way. He’s a genuinely sweet man. I would be sorry if it didn’t work out for you. Everyone deserves a second chance, Hana.”
Hana smiled gratefully at Evie and thanked her, but as she walked through the common room, the rebellion in her already convinced her of the need to avoid having her heart broken any further. That meant staying away from Logan Du Rose.
Sheila gave Hana a lift home later that day. They were late leaving and Hana was surprised to see Logan’s truck still outside the Chapel. She momentarily regretted giving the keys to North, but the thought of seeing Logan’s angry face again made the decision seem reasonable.
That night, Hana managed to speak to Izzie, who buzzed with excitement because Elizabeth had started to roll onto her stomach unaided. “She’s so gorgeous, Mum. I wish you could see her. She grunts something awful and doesn’t give up until she rolls over onto her fat little tummy.”