by Bowes, K T
Bodie came back to the table and plonked his bowl down in front of him. “Well, that’s the other thing,” he said and scooped a spoonful of beef and vegetables into his mouth. “They know there’s a store of some natural resource buried quite far into the property, coal or oil, they weren’t specific. Their land goes down to the seashore so it might actually be there. It was surveyed about ten years ago by an engineer and some other government people and the family showed me signed documents which they’d left, maps and stuff like that. But at the time, there would have been problems getting consents to do anything significant on private land, especially in such a scenic area. The whole foreshore and seabed stuff was a mess back then. The family shrugged it off and carried on farming.”
Bodie got up and searched in the pantry for the ketchup. While he was gone, Hana watched Jas dip into his father’s bowl and take a big black crust off the bottom and pop it into his mouth. She seriously hoped the black bits in the stew weren’t the non-stick coating off the saucepan. Bodie came back to the table, momentarily confused that his carrots had moved in his bowl and then dug in again. He visibly pondered something and remained quiet while his brain ticked. Hana knew the signs. “What’s wrong, Bo?” Her voice sounded tired.
He looked up, chewing his bottom lip intently. “I hate how you always know!” he grumbled. “I wasn’t going to say anything. It’s a stupid coincidence, but I looked at the papers the engineers gave the son. They were carbons, but the surveyor was Dad. It was his name and signature.”
Hana’s breath caught in her chest and her lips parted. “How incredible that must have been for you,” she whispered. “To find yourself somewhere your father had been, purely by chance. Especially around the anniversary of his death.”
“It was weird.” Bodie’s voice was so quiet Hana leaned forward to hear him. “It felt like finding a footprint in the sand of someone you recognise and never expected to see again. I just kept thinking he was here, sat talking right where I am now, exactly a year before he died. And I have his grandson with me. It was like some circular time loop. I convinced myself I could feel him there and he knew it was me...and Jas. But it’s not like that is it? We don’t believe that do we, Mum, that they can still see us and watch over us?”
“Catholics do,” Hana said gently, “Logan does. It gives them comfort...sometimes.” She thought about Logan waking one night sweating, convinced Barry had returned to hurt him. He was upset and incoherent. “I don’t want to believe your father is still around. I want him to be in heaven, meeting up with old friends and the generations that went before him, having a party and knowing we’re all going to show up soon. If I imagine him here it’s as someone stuck, separated from everything and hurting. I don’t want that. But nothing’s impossible with God and who knows that sometimes, they aren’t allowed to glimpse through and see things that encourage them and us, or give continuity somehow.”
She reached across for her son’s hand. “If it felt right, then maybe it was. I don’t know. I used to think I did, I was so clear about it all, but the more I know of God, the less I understand.” Hana sat back in her chair and patted her full tummy. “One thing I do know, is that it’s best to take things at face value. Take out the bits of it which seem right and savour them. Don’t over-think it, don’t try and work it out and don’t go looking for that thing again. You’ll drive yourself mad and go down a path that doesn’t lead anywhere.”
“I wasn’t allowed to tell those people anyfink,” Jas piped up, turning to face Hana with black particles around his mouth. “They asked me what my daddy did. I got a bit mixed up.”
The little boy stopped and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. His tiny front teeth had bits of black in between them like he’d eaten a black wax crayon. Bodie turned towards him. “When was this mate? What did you get mixed up with?” Bo looked alarmed, knowing he could be in a lot of trouble if a complaint were made to his superiors.
Jas made a smacking sound with his lips. “I nearly said you put people in jail, but then I ‘membered and changed it.”
“What did you change it to, sweetheart?” Hana asked calmly, as Bodie’s eyes started to pop.
“I said he put people in the, in the...in the hospital!” Jas looked pleased with himself and Hana had to put her hand over her mouth to hide her amusement. Bodie looked mortified.
“Maybe like an ambulance-man, son?” he asked hopefully.
“No Daddy!” the little boy replied, “Like a fug!”
“A what?” Bodie looked completely out of his depth, “A...fug?”
“Yeeeessss!” said Jas, growing impatient, “A fug, a wobber and a fug.”
“Oh crap!” breathed Bodie under his breath.
Hana found it funny and had to excuse herself to go to the toilet, leaving Bodie to try and extract from Jas why he thought it would be cool to have a robber and a thug for a father. He wasted his time. Jas was on a roll and decided to make up a song with every word he could think of that rhymed with ‘fug.’ He was very entertaining, if a little exasperating.
The doctor told Hana to cram the first day’s antibiotics in, at just a couple of hours apart. He wanted to hit the infection hard. She figured the next one could be taken at three o’clock. She felt a little better but didn’t know if that was because she had people around her for a change, instead of the long, lonely evenings without Logan. She sat at the kitchen table doing a puzzle with Jas for a while, excusing herself to use the bathroom when she needed.
Logan breezed in at a quarter to three. He ruffled Jas’ hair much to the boy’s delight and punched Bodie affectionately in the arm, before coming round the table to Hana and squatting down on his haunches in front of her. He put his arms around her middle and kissed her tummy, running his hands up and down her sore back. “How ya doing babe?” he asked with tenderness.
Hana stroked his forehead and leaning forward, rested her cheek on his shoulder, smelling the fresh aftershave from his shower in the school gym at lunchtime and feeling strength and safety emanating from him. “Better thanks. Due another antibiotic soon.”
She linked her arms behind his neck and kissed underneath his jawbone, closing her eyes and allowing herself to admit how much she had missed him. Sitting up and looking around, it was apparent Bodie felt decidedly uncomfortable. Jas gave her a big wink, involving a lot of facial contortion and the use of fingers in the eye that needed to stay open. Hana laughed at him and Logan looked round and stood up.
“How tall are you Poppa Logan?” Jas asked. Logan shrugged and raised his arms so that he could touch the ceiling with his fingertips. “Six foot, four inches.”
“Wow,” said Jas, with absolutely no comprehension of what the measurement actually was, but he looked under the table at Logan’s legs with real curiosity.
“Oh, not those kind of feet,” Hana laughed. “It’s a measurement. Logan, I think he needs it in metres,” she said helpfully, “what’s that?”
“Pretty big,” answered Logan, “I dunno. Google it.”
His mobile phone rang at that moment, just as Jas started finding words to rhyme with ‘Google.’ There actually weren’t many. Logan stood in the hall with the phone pressed to his ear. He didn’t say much but listened intently. He nodded a few times and then said, “Good job.” He was obviously pleased with something. “On second thoughts, leave the restaurant off the list. Alex has always played fair. I’ll stay in there. Tell him not to worry.”
With a short goodbye, he pressed the button to end the call and dumped the phone on the table. Bodie looked suspiciously at his stepfather and Logan for a change decided to be candid. “I’m liquidating my assets,” he said by way of explanation, “getting out of some business ventures before the even bigger crash comes.” He smiled and Hana noticed Bodie looked relieved. She began to relax as they had a cup of tea together and Hana took her second tablet.
Jas puddled off to do something with his Mr Incredible doll and Hana put her feet up on his chair. Bodie and Logan
chatted, sincerely making an effort with each other and before she knew it, Hana had drifted off to sleep, her head awkwardly laid against the hard backed chair.
She came to, hearing quiet male voices making a steady, comforting drone. It was a few moments before she was able to discern the actual words. “You should tell her. She needs to know for her own safety.” came Bodie’s lowered voice.
“I will! I just need to pick the right moment. I don’t want to give her something else to worry about, not now.” Logan said, with an edge of fear in his voice Hana hadn’t previously heard. “I’ll take care of it, let me do that, will you?”
She felt bad, eavesdropping. Tama said that he knew something about Logan that would make life difficult for him. Maybe Logan was sharing that something with her son; in which case, it couldn’t be that bad, not if he were discussing it with a cop. Hana was over the whole worrying-thing for now. She wanted to stop feeling so under the weather and start to enjoy her new husband and baby. The thought of the baby and the doctor’s warning made her breath catch in her throat and fear dance on her heart. Tama! She had forgotten to pass on his message.
Logan was by her side in a second, kneeling down next to her on the floor. Bodie stood up, concern in his eyes. Hana clutched her stomach and her precious child. “The doctor said things might get worse, that I’m an older mum and it might be this way...” She felt a sad hiccough escape her. Logan stroked her cheek tenderly while Bodie watched with an uncustomary helplessness.
“I know babe,” Logan answered, offering reassurance. “But we can do this. It’ll be fine. Think positive.” With a pointed look at Bodie and the smallest grunt of effort, Logan picked his wife up and carried her carefully out of the kitchen. He took her down the hallway and into their bedroom, where he laid her gently on the bed.
Jas watched from the bathroom door where he’d been giving Mr Incredible swimming lessons in the sink. He was impressed. His Poppa Logan was like Mr Incredible. Jas’ little brain started ticking. He had a vision of himself at kindy, carrying Jacinder like that. He could carry her off the climbing frame at playtime. The other kids were already in awe of him with his tall stories and that would be so cool. “Poppa’s the man! Oh yeah!” he whispered to his doll.
Logan stroked Hana’s cheek as she lay on the bed. His face was calm and he smiled indulgently. It seemed like he knew something she didn’t and it made her trust that he was right. It would all be ok. Hana stilled the rising panic and bid it goodbye as she rested in her husband’s faith. He seemed to have enough for the both of them. He sat on the bed with her, smoothing her jumper over her belly gently, as though there was nowhere in the world he would rather be and nobody he would rather be with.
Jas karate chopped his way into the room, making Logan and Hana jump. He was so funny. He let rip with an almighty chop which almost knocked him clean off his own feet and Mr Incredible took flight, whacking Logan straight in the butt. Instead of imploring him to be careful around Hana, just in case ‘whatever’ happened, Logan seized Mr Incredible’s rigid body in one giant hand and turned towards Jas looking real mean. “Now...” he hissed in a scary voice, “Mr Incredible gets it! Nobody kicks the chief’s butt...and lives...”
Jas squealed in a girly high-pitched voice and ran at Logan, who dodged him and charged out of the room, doing little fake cries that were meant to be Mr Incredible pleading for his life. They moved down to the other end of the house and Hana heard them coming back again. Logan lurched past the bedroom doorway holding the doll at arm’s length and Hana saw Jas clinging onto Logan’s right leg, getting the fairground ride of his life.
Bodie put his head around the door. “Sorry, Mum. I’ll take him home now and face the music with Amy. She’s been real weird with me lately.” A small snort escaped Hana, mainly through her nose and Bodie looked at her curiously. “What?”
She shook her head, deciding to stay out of it. “Nothing. Just play nice.”
Bodie did an upward nod of his head which Hana presumed meant ‘goodbye’ or possibly even ‘yes.’ She listened to him tread heavily down the stairs to the garage, following the source of the huge ruckus coming from down there as a tiny boy and a man played extremely silly games which would be sure to end in tears.
Hana lay peacefully as the garage door mechanism ground underneath the house and raised the door for Bodie and Jas to leave. She listened to them move up the slope to the car, Jas insisting Logan carry him. Then she heard his little voice telling the men, “I’m gonna do that carrying-thing with my girlfriend. How do you do it Poppa Logan?”
“Oh crap! Don’t Jas. You’ll drop her on her head and your mum will get a phone call!” Bodie pleaded.
Hana heard Logan’s roar of laughter. Then the car engine fired and they were gone.
Logan puttered around outside in the sunshine for a while and Hana dozed off again to the sound of the axe as it thwacked against wood. She stirred as she heard the garage door go back down and Logan come upstairs laden with wood for the fire. It made a steady, comforting clank as the pieces were laid in the basket, one escaping to crash out on the hearth. Then there was the sound of water running and Logan popped his head around the bedroom door, wiping his damp hands on his trousers.
Hana stared at him dozily and tried to register the words he spoke. He came and sat sideways on the bed next to her, laying his head down on her chest. Hana smelled the distinctive coal tar of his shampoo, fresh and clean. She put her hand up and ran her fingers through his dark waves, feeling utterly content. “Tea?” he asked her, his voice muffled in Hana’s jumper. She nodded slowly and then remembered something.
“Tama,” she said, still sleepy, “Tama came to see me.”
Logan’s head shot up, his face an instant mask of irritation and annoyance. He made her repeat the sentence. He made her repeat it twice as though he couldn’t quite believe it the first couple of times. “What does he know that can hurt you?” Hana asked her husband, openly curious.
Logan sat round on the bed, planting both feet firmly on the rug. He leaned forward, his forearms resting on his thighs and his hands running loosely through his hair. “He knows where we live,” he said, “and he works for Laval. He could hurt us real bad.”
Hana gave a sharp intake of breath. “What are you going to do?” she whispered, “He wants you to call the lawyers off his...actually, who is it he wants you to call them off?”
Logan picked at a strand on his trousers. “My uncle, his grandfather, well, not really, because Michael is his father so Dad is his grandfather...” He stopped. It seemed that wasn’t the case anymore. “His grandfather. That’s who borrowed money and then embezzled the land off Dad. His grandfather.”
“What are you going to do?” Hana asked her husband again. “Will you have to...you know...call it all off?”
Logan exhaled loudly and stood up, staring blindly out of the window. He shook his head a couple of times and then turned around, leaning back against the glass. “I don’t know.” He seemed lost. “This is the first time I haven’t known what to do about something. I’ve never had anyone to take care of before. I don’t know what to do.”
He stood and wrestled with his thoughts, occasionally rubbing his hand over his face. He came to some sort of resolution and went to the kitchen, returning with his cell phone. “Michael,” Logan spun round and sat down on the bed, “can you talk a minute?”
Evidently the answer was ‘yes’ as Logan launched into his problem. Michael must have listened silently and then agreed to something. Logan grunted his thanks and hung up. Hana raised her eyebrows questioningly and Logan chewed his bottom lip. “He’s gonna to talk to him. Doesn’t think Tama will listen though. He hasn’t seen him for weeks, not since he started this new job for Laval.” Logan went back to pacing up and down the room, his socks padding on the boards. “It’s not enough though. Tama won’t see me again. We sort of...fell out. I thought I’d put the frighteners on him enough to keep him quiet. Obviously not.” Logan chewed his li
p again then he smiled broadly at Hana, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll sort it out.”
He came over to her and kissed her quickly on the lips. She knew straight away he was going out and she wasn’t invited. Panic rose up in her chest and she felt lost for words. She pulled herself up off the bed and followed her husband down the hallway. “No, Logan, no, please don’t go out! Please!” Her voice caught in her throat and fear rose in her chest like bile. She wrung her hands together. “Don’t make me beg, Logan. Please! I can’t keep doing this. I want to be a normal family. Stop running out on mysterious errands and disappearing and coming back with cuts and bruises...”
Logan stopped in his tracks and looked back at his wife. His expression showed surprise at what she’d said and a little taken aback. Hana curled her arms around her stomach. She looked pitiful and small. “You got into some kind of fight the other night, when you said you were at the hotel and there was glass in your trouser pockets. I can’t take any more of this, please, I need you here!” The last words were almost a shout.
Logan leaned on the front door handle, his bike helmet in his hand. Conflict yelled in his face and he squirmed underneath the weight of it all. A huge tear rolled down Hana’s cheek and onto her hand as she leaned forward to stroke the baby. “I can’t keep doing this. You promised it was over and you’d stay with me. Please don’t go?”
Logan put his helmet down on the floor with a loud clunk, taking both her hands and holding her tightly. He said nothing, but led Hana back to the bedroom and settled her down again. “It’s ok, babe,” he whispered into her hair. “I’ll stay.”
“Take your shoes off,” Hana insisted, not relaxing her grip on the hem of his shirt until she saw him do it. Logan lay next to her and she clung to him with a frenzied grip, her knuckles showing white on her delicate fingers. Hana felt exhausted but refused to sleep, making her eyes stay open and fretting every time she felt herself dropping off.