by Bowes, K T
Logan still eyed him as though unsure what to make of a man who found it easy to apologise and Hana felt her insides flip-flopping with guilt. She made noises, trying to brush it all away, aware of her overriding hatred of conflict. Logan sat down on the other side of her, close enough so she could feel his support. “It was all too hard to explain,” Hana began. “It was so complicated and...awful. We felt like prisoners sometimes.”
Pastor Allen nodded with enthusiasm, letting her talk. But Hana didn’t feel like it much. She tailed off suddenly and smiled at nobody in particular. It was ironic how stale and empty her life had seemed at the start of the year and how she wished for a little excitement. Right then she seriously craved peace and quiet. Logan took up the story, telling the whole tale after warning the other man he mustn’t repeat any of it until the court case was over. So far Laval had only appeared in the local courts but with a murder charge involved, his case had been escalated and bail refused.
Hana felt physically sick at the idea of having to give evidence in court. Her heart rate increased and she experienced a hot clammy sickness in her chest. She flapped her hand in front of her face to move the air around in front of her, mentally trying to persuade her body to slow everything down. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she said, making an excuse to leave the room.
Daunted was the word that best fit her right then. Daunted about the court case looming in the not so distant future, where she would have to read and re-read her extensive statement and make sure she stuck to it in the witness stand. They warned her she would have to face Laval himself for the entire time, even though ironically, she never met him.
Daunted at the thought of having a new baby at her age, at how she would cope. It seemed Logan had little idea of the changes their child would bring for their lives. Daunted about church. Her faith was fine, in fact her discussions with Logan had only cemented her beliefs and the recent hard times produced a secure reliance on God, but church was a whole other thing. She just didn’t want to go on her own any longer.
Her home group had been amazingly supportive over the years but the thought of going out at night became more and more difficult as her pregnancy progressed and risky for her in recent dangers. If she was honest, she slid slowly away from them, silently hoping they wouldn’t notice and resenting the fact they hadn’t.
Hana put her feet up on the sofa and lay her head down on the cushion, to even out her body and lower her blood pressure. She dozed off thinking about Peter North and his complicated and intense relationship with her husband.
She woke up to Logan gently stroking her hair and asking her if she was alright. Pastor Allen stood nearby, looking concerned. “I don’t want to give evidence,” Hana said. “I don’t want to give birth either.” She sat up, her hair stuck to the side of her face. She had dribbled slightly and rubbed at her mouth and cheek with the back of her hand with an astounding lack of dexterity, poking herself in the eye by accident. She rubbed at it, looking more like a five year old than a forty-five year old. Logan pushed her hair back behind her ears and plumped the cushion so she could lie more comfortably.
“I can’t do anything about either of those issues,” he answered with sympathy. “But I’ll make you another drink.” He stood up and she heard his knees creak. Hana sighed heavily and saw Pastor Allen flop down in the chair next to the bay window. He rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the rug at his feet. Hana noticed he had taken his shoes off and guessed they were by the front door. He had a hole in his red sock and his big toe poked through. She leaned the side of her head against her inner arm and yawned.
“Pregnancy’s hard going isn’t it?” the pastor said amicably, “I know we’ve struggled, especially with the last baby.”
Hana nodded, focussing on how he said ‘we’ and wondered, if he really believed he had been through it totally with his wife. Then she remembered the problems his wife endured with their last child, bedridden for the first few months with chronic morning sickness and Hana felt churlish and spiteful. She nodded and made noises of agreement, although it was delayed because of her thinking process and Pastor Allen looked as though he thought she be ignoring him him. “Being so much older than last time hasn’t helped me,” Hana offered and the man smiled, thought about saying something kind and then stopped, dismissing it as an empty platitude. Hana read it in his face. The atmosphere felt awkward. She needed to do something to put it right, but couldn’t think what. In the end, the clergyman did it for her.
“I’ve been chatting to Logan about soccer. I hear he’s a bit of a skilled midfielder on the pitch.”
Hana nodded, thinking about the scar under Logan’s eye, allegedly gained after a soccer game. She wondered how, with all she had learned about his body guarding skills, he had come off worst in that fight. It occurred to her she hadn’t seen the other men who apparently jumped him in the car park. She speculated what they might have looked like after the fight and how many saw the inside of the hospital.
Pastor Allen read her hesitation wrongly. “Sorry Hana, for just turning up. I should have called first.”
“No, no,” interjected Hana, “it’s absolutely fine.” She stopped again and the year’s events stretched out behind her like a badly sewn tapestry, all the threads hanging out in odd places. “It’s fine. Really,” she promised. “I’m a bit slow today. I’m finding life very trying right now.” She rubbed her hand gently over her tummy and felt the baby shift around under her fingers. Even tight for room, the child still seemed to think she could break-dance in her shrinking bedroom.
“You know,” Hana said generously, “about church, I think it was easier just hiding away up here. There was no way I could explain it all. I felt enough of a lunatic turning up a complete wreck everywhere and always having to watch over my shoulder; I didn’t think anyone would seriously believe me. I didn’t expect anything from anyone at church so there’s no ill feeling. I’m not deliberately staying away. We actually haven’t been here much at the weekend. We’ve been going up to Logan’s parents’ place.”
Pastor Allen nodded sadly. “Still, it’s a wakeup call for me,” he said. “I’ve been so involved with running the church, I forgot the people were the church. I feel...so chastened.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “I should have tracked you down at home much sooner. I’m so sorry.” He looked as though he might cry. “I knew you were struggling and I came whenever you called, but I should have followed it up rather than turning up now, months afterwards because of a chance article in the papers.”
“It’s not your fault,” Hana said, “it really isn’t. A church is more than just the pastor and his wife. We all have a responsibility to each other and I’ve had more than my fair share of support over the years, especially when Vik died and with Bodie and all his behaviour problems when he was growing up. People were kind and supportive then.”
Pastor Allen nodded again. “Maybe we’ve lost something in the last few years. What do you think?”
Hana laid her head back and pondered. There had been something of a congregational turnover in the last while, which would account for it. The steady core of solid Christians had moved on, to other parts of the country, other churches, different lives in some cases and something was definitely lost. Ivan and Anka had been cornerstones of the caring, thoughtful culture within the church, but their lives had detonated horribly and taken many others down with them.
Pastor Allen seemed to know what she was thinking. “I saw Ivan and Anka recently. They’re taking a break from most things at the moment and trying to put their lives back together. It’ll take some time, but I think they’re doing remarkably well, all things considered.”
Hana nodded. She had seen Anka recently for a snatched coffee one lunch time. Anka told Hana all about their plans, how they had put the house up for sale and how committed they were to repairing their marriage. Hana was genuinely pleased for her, but a hollowness had crept into a once impervious friendship and it made her
ache for past affection and kinship.
Hana smiled at her old friend and pastor, not quite knowing how to fix things, but grateful for his company. “A bit of number eight wire and she’ll be right,” she said, grinning at him.
Pastor Allen threw his head back and laughed. “Now you’re sounding like a kiwi,” he chortled.
Du Rose Legacy
Chapter 32
Hana limped through to the end of the term, finding her duties lightening as the seniors left and the exams began in earnest. Logan was busy until the end, taking tutorials as often as possible and equipping his students for their future. Careers ramped down as Sheila was press-ganged into teaching Year 9 classes. Guidance counselling ramped up however, as exam stress and ending seasons caused great upset. Hana made appointments for the counsellors by the dozen every day, the major customers being older boys.
The weather improved, lifting spirits and the mood around school was buoyant and happy. The Christmas party was held at the end of the last day and included the presentation of a gift for Hana who would be going on maternity leave. It affected her strangely. There was a mix of relief, at finally being able to be off her feet for a few weeks before the baby arrived, but also a sense of great loss at suddenly not being part of school life. For a long time her job had been a major constant in her existence, especially after the children left home.
She wondered how she would feel with Logan going off each day to the place she loved while she stayed home and did the whole new-mother thing all over again. To her chagrin, she actually cried a little as she thanked her school family for their care of her over the years. When she sat down and managed to regain control, it was to see a few others dabbing at their eyes and looking uncomfortable. Peter North blew his nose loudly into a dirty handkerchief, his eyes misted. It set Hana off more and she leaned against Logan and hid her face in his shirt until she felt controlled enough to listen to the final speeches. She clutched her gift to her chest, an envelope with a beautiful card full of heart-felt messages and a $200 voucher for a baby care shop.
“Well done, babe.” Logan smiled and kissed her forehead. He sat with his arm around her shoulders, professionalism forgotten for a while as the staff enjoyed the last few hours together before the holidays began.
Pete got more and more trolleyed as the alcohol flowed at the posh Hamilton restaurant, culminating with an embarrassing show of affection towards Logan as he and Hana rose to leave. Pete sobbed and clung to his friend’s legs. “I love you, Logan Du Rose. I need your friendship. I can’t live without you.” It was a slurred but convincing speech which completely took Hana by surprise and raised a titter of laughter from the staff who mistakenly thought Pete was joking.
“Get off me, you dick,” Logan told him, shaking his leg to dislodge Pete’s clawing hands. “You’re pulling my pants down,” he hissed. Still Pete clung on and Hana felt momentarily nervous. Logan leaned down into Pete’s screwed up face and murmured, “Get off me or I’ll break your legs!”
Pete leg go in seconds. He went from blubbering and sniffing to lying on the floor holding onto Logan’s boots.
“Is that PE teacher gay then?” shouted the deaf physics teacher, his hearing aid making a high pitched whistle. “That might be why he’s a bit odd.”
The staff nearby buried their faces in pint glasses and struggled to contain themselves. But the fossil hadn’t finished. “He showed me his arse crack once. Do you think he fancies me?”
“Would you go for it then, Tom?” Gwynne asked, tears rolling down his cheeks. The males around him guffawed and howled.
“Na,” the old man smiled, his top set of false teeth crashing down to meet the bottoms. “But I’d go for that fat chick he’s been pretending to be straight with.”
Hysteria followed and the men roared with laughter. A few of the more sober members of staff helped Pete to his feet. “Good on ya,” Gwynne shouted across. “I’m off duty tonight.”
“Are you gay then?” the physics teacher chimed in, silencing Gwynne and sending the others off into paroxysms again. “Bloody hell! Nobody tells me anything!” Tom sulked, burying his face in his beer.
Hana watched the whole exchange with amusement. Drunk teachers were worse than teenagers.
“I am actually gay,” the drama teacher announced and the men dissolved again. “No, I am. Really,” the poor man protested but his confession would be quickly lost and then forgotten by the next day.
“Logan, please forgive me,” Pete blubbed. “I’ll do anything.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem,” Logan grumbled.
“Please forgive him?” Hana begged. “My feet are killing me. I want to go home.”
“Fine!” Logan relented. He gave Pete an awkward hug and told him to, “Shut up.”
“Oh, that’s disappointing,” Tom chimed in loudly, watching the frigid embrace. “They’re all gay. I’m available, Hana!” He waved enthusiastically in her direction.
Hana smiled and waved back, saying to Logan through gritted teeth, “I’m leaving before the wife swapping starts.”
Pete, ecstatically and hilariously grateful, let go of Logan and did a peculiar dance, during which Hana and Logan snuck out.
They were up bright and early next day and after wishing Maihi and Hemi a Happy Christmas and making sure Tiger was still gloriously satisfied living with them and their fluffy female cat, they set off for the hotel. “Thank goodness for that,” Logan breathed as they turned onto State Highway 1. “This last term felt never ending.”
Hana sighed and nodded. “Not helped by me turning into an out of season Easter egg.”
“But a beautiful one,” her husband smiled and placed the fingers of his left hand over hers. “Still got a hard few weeks ahead though, with Christmas and all the renovations to the motel rooms. Are you going to be ok?”
“I’ll be fine. I’ll just help out when I can and then Bodie and Amy will travel up for a few days after New Year with Jas. I’m looking forward to that and Izzie and her brood are contemplating making the trip up at some point later.” Hana sounded happy and fulfilled at the thought of her family being around her for part of the holiday.
The couple arrived mid-morning and settled into Logan’s bright, sunny room as usual. The hotel was only partly full, a relief for Hana, who greatly craved some peace and rest for a few days. Miriam was back on deck as though nothing had happened and Leslie automatically dropped back into her role as second in command with apparent ease.
“How would you feel about supervising the decorations in the motel rooms?” Logan asked his wife.
“Me?” Hana replied in surprise.
“Yeah, you’ve got a good eye for decor. You’ve proved that at home. I’m using my uncle’s old company but I’m not sure if the quality of work will be the same under the new owner. If you could oversee that for me, it would be a weight off my mind.”
On the contrary, the designer was a new graduate from university, a fresh-faced girl of twenty-two. She managed to transform the aged prefabs into luxurious suites, which would increase the capacity of the conference facility while allowing small family groups to stay for short periods and use the dining facilities in the main building. They had been referred to as ‘motel’ suites previously, but in the loosest possible way as they were tired and aged. Hana spent time with Lily, the designer and found she enjoyed her company.
The weeks leading up to Christmas went well with Hana looking at fabric swatches and wallpaper samples, resting when she wanted and savouring her vastly increased health and energy. Logan seemed settled and happy. He spent his days riding in the bush and mountains, checking fences, watching his men and talking to his head stockman, Toby, about stock, paddocks and other things Hana tried hard not to fall asleep listening to, as he recounted it all in bed at night.
She watched him painstakingly break in a couple of young horses, sitting on the quad bike while he worked with them. “I thought you did it like in a rodeo,” Hana said naively and Logan snuf
fed a small laugh and kissed her over the fence.
“Er, na. Bit more to it than that, my love.” He smiled and stroked her face.
Logan spent a whole hour sitting on the fence talking to Hana, while a frightened filly tried to pluck up the courage to come over and sniff him out. She was tentative and jumpy, the dappled spots on her rump and face making her look like a sylph in the shimmering sunlight. When she did venture close enough, she nosed his shirt and tried to nibble the back pocket of his jeans, scenting him out and investigating with her curious nostrils. Logan ignored her entirely and eventually she stood behind him, sensing that ultimately his will was stronger than hers and showing obvious relief at having found a new alpha male.
“I’m not sure how I feel about another female sizing up your bum,” Hana mused, leaning her face on her forearms on top of the gate. Logan laughed and the filly jumped. He kissed Hana over the top panel of the fence, winding his fingers through her hair, his lips soft and tender.
“Break the bloody horse, man!” Toby’s voice startled them both and Hana and the filly physically jumped. “If that’s how you do it then I might swap jobs,” the stockman laughed. Logan held his arm out with a rude gesture displayed by his fingers and embarrassed, Hana heard Toby guffaw to himself as he went into one of the stables.
For an hour each day, Logan corralled his latest project in a small arena with him and then got busy with something in there, raking the sand, repairing part of the fence or just sitting quietly. He displayed endless patience. In a short time the filly would come over to him, demanding his attention, wanting to be stroked and sniffing for the little feed kibbles she knew were in his pocket. Then she would follow him around the arena, her nose only a matter of inches from his elbow. She snuffed his face and he would patiently allow her, kind but disinterested until she became more confident and pushy.