by MA Lee
“Maddi, I am glad you could make it. Sharon had a sore leg and couldn’t make our doubles match today. I am so happy you could fill in,” my mom beamed. Even though she appeared happy to see me, her backhanded comment stung as I quickly realized I was her second choice for a partner.
As we began to play, I took my frustration and aggression out on the innocent yellow tennis ball. With each grunt and slam with my racket strings against the ball, I pushed my hurt aside. By the time our game was over, I was drenched in sweat and feeling much more relaxed.
The sun was hot and I was thankful for the heat as it helped me sweat out my demons and thoughts that I very much needed to rid my body of. I wasn’t stupid, I saw the anger building within myself and knew I had to take positive and healthy steps to rid my body of my own self-inflicted demons.
As we all began to pack our racks in our sports bags, my mom and her friends invited me to have a light lunch with them on the country club outdoor patio. Starving, I agreed.
Sitting down at one of the tables, I noted the beautiful green golf course and sparkling water from the pool where kids were splashing around as their mothers and nannies soaked in some sun.
“So, Maddi how has your summer been going?” Mary asked. She had been my mother’s college roommate and had moved back to town when her husband opened a small dental office here.
Smiling and perfecting my most polite manners as to not embarrass my mom, I took a sip of my cold ice tea that had been ordered for me. “Summer has been pretty great. I am working and just enjoying time with friends,” I noted.
Smiling, Mary took a long sip of her tea. “That sounds wonderful. What about any boys? Anyone special in your life?” she asked.
It was hard not to notice my mom and her other friend Jackie moving forward as their interest in our conversation peaked.
Trying not to cringe, I bit my lip as I fought back the urge to tell them all about Ryan. A boy who I hardly knew but somehow thought about every waking moment of the day. “No, I am not dating anyone right now. Honestly, I am enjoying being single. I will be leaving for college in the fall and don’t want to be tied down to anyone,” I replied.
My mother pursed her lips as I spoke. She hated that I was so honest. “Well, Maddi and Matt only broke up a few months ago. I am sure they will work things about. Besides, Maddi has applied to several great schools. We should find out any day now where she will be attending school,” my mother said, trying to save face with her friends.
Chiming in, Jackie began to add to the conversation. “I heard Matt was going to the University of Louisville. His mother and I had lunch last week. He is such a great boy, I am sure you two can work something out. Maybe you will go to school there too,” she added with a bright smile.
Placing my glass down on the table with more force than I had expected, I watched as a few drops of the golden liquid spilled over the brim of the glass and onto the white table cloth below. My moms' hardened expression told me to get myself together soon.
“No, Matt and I will not be getting back together anytime soon,” I declared, as I stared at my hands folded in my lap.
“Oh that is such a shame,” Mary added.
“Why not?” Jackie and my mother said in unison.
Tired of the investigation, I could feel my blood boiling inside. My mom knew exactly why I wouldn't date Matt again. She had heard me crying night after night after discovering he had cheated on me with half of the cheerleaders at school. She had watched me walk around like a zombie as I tried to piece my broken heart back together.
“Well, since Matt cheated on me, I believe that pretty much ends any chance we could ever have of getting back together,” I said with finality in my voice. I prayed that the conversation would end there, but of course, it didn’t.
“Can't you just forgive Matt?” my mom asked as she eyed me carefully. “You both are so young. Everyone makes mistakes. Besides, he comes from such a nice family.”
Standing, I decided I finally had enough. I was beyond disgusted at how my mom could just forget my feelings because he came from a good family.
“Excuse me, but I need to get home,” I said as I pushed my chair in and turned and walked away. I ignored my mom’s calls for me to come back. What I needed was a long shower and a nap to sleep away this conversation.
***
My mom came home a few hours later and stormed past me and into her bedroom. She didn’t speak to me again until she informed me that she and my dad were going out to dinner and would be home late.
Please, I was glad she didn’t want to talk about our disastrous afternoon. I wasn’t ready to talk about Matt again or explain myself to anyone.
Lounging on the couch, I contemplated ordering a pizza when I saw my phone light up with an alert of an incoming text. Glancing down I couldn’t help the smile that grew on my face.
Ryan: Hey, do you have any plans for tonight?
Me: Nope. Just thinking about what toppings to order on my pizza.
Ryan: Pepperoni and sausage
Me: Exactly what I was thinking
I smiled at our words as I ordered my pizza online.
Ryan: I am bored and tired of family stuff. Do you want to hang out tonight?
Me: Sure.
Ryan: Where?
Me: I will meet you at the country club. Just keep going straight past your grandparent's house. It is at the end of the subdivision.
Ryan: See you in an hour.
Me: Okay!
After the pizza I arrived, I left my house and walked the short distance to the entrance of the country club.
Spotting me. Ryan ran over and took the pizza out of my arms.
“Thanks for getting this,” he said, as he took a big sniff of the pizza.
“No problem.”
Looking around, Ryan seemed to notice the empty parking lot and closed signs on the doors. “So what is your plan?” he asked.
“I thought we could go onto the golf course and eat our pizza. I love to escape out there in the evenings or at night. It’s empty and quiet and just gives me time to think and relax,” I finished. I was sure it sounded stupid but for as long as I could remember, I had always loved to go and walk the golf course at night. It was peaceful and tranquil and one of the only places where I could just be alone and be happy.
“Sounds fun, let's go,” Ryan said, as he began walking toward the entrance to the golf course.
We climbed over the gate and began walking through the lush greenery. As the sun began to settle behind the horizon, Ryan and me stopped at the fourth hole and found a great place to sit and eat. It really was the perfect spot with the rolling grassy mound leading to the sandy bank below, it provided enough of a lift so you didn’t feel like you were sitting flat on the ground and just the right elevation to give you a great view of the stars at night. I couldn’t even begin to count the nights I had spent here in this same spot.
Sitting down next to me, Ryan opened the pizza box and handed me a slice of the cheesy goodness.
“Thanks,” I said taking the slice.
We ate in silence for as we watched the sun finally fall behind the hills in the distance. Once the darkness surrounded us, Ryan and I pushed aside the pizza box and sat staring at one another.
“I wish I had more time here,” Ryan began as he held my hands within his. Pulling me close, he wrapped his arm around me and squeezed me to his side. Allowing Ryan’s arms to envelop me, I leaned into him and took in his smell and the way his touch made me feel inside.
“I know, I do too,” I agreed, my voice barely above a whisper.
Leaning back, Ryan and I both lay on the cool, damp summer grass and began to stare at the twinkling silver stars shining above us. Neither of us said anything for what seemed like an eternity. I had never felt so small in my entire life. Just gazing at the stars and thinking about how large and vast the universe was compared to me, almost took my breath away. I was learning without a doubt with Ryan that I was slowly letting
my guard down and allowing myself to feel ways I hadn't in years. That thought terrified me to my very core. Letting Ryan in, allowing myself to have emotions for him, would only end tragically. Just like some Shakespeare drama or crazy romantic made for tv movie. Love comes. It dies. The end.
“Are you ok?” Ryan asked as he noticed my silence.
“Yes,” I lied.
“Liar,” Ryan teased. “You have been on edge since we got here. I could hear it in your voice when we talked. Something is going on,” he urged.
Sighing, I thought back to earlier in the day and what my mom had said. She was so incredibly wrong it wasn’t funny.
“I had a small fight with my mom today. I went and played tennis with her and her friends and afterward, we went to have lunch here at the country club. Matt was brought up and my mom had the nerve to ask me why I couldn’t forgive him for cheating on me,” I said with a sarcastic laugh. “I mean, I am her daughter. Instead of defending the guy who used me for two years, she should be building me up. I don’t even think my parents see that I lost myself. Maybe they don’t care…” I finished, my words trailing off into the night air.
Looking around, Ryan thought for a moment before he spoke. “You know what I think? I think your mom is wrong. No one should take someone back who cheated on them. Matt is a loser, I saw it from his arrogant walk and the way he looked at you. He still loves you and damn, he should. But, you don’t deserve that. You deserve to be someone's entire world. If your parents or Matt, or anyone else can’t see how amazing you are, then that is their loss.”
His words rocked me to my very core. Breathless, I felt like I had been lifted up and was floating above the world. How could someone believe such powerful and thoughtful things about me? I sat there too stunned to speak as I contemplated what all Ryan had said. Part of me considered the notion that maybe he was just messing with me. Trying to get into my pants and enjoy a quick summer fling. But, my heart, who hadn't been my friend for a while, was telling me something completely different. My heart was telling me to trust that his words were sincere and spoken with truth.
“Thanks,” was all I managed to say. There just wasn’t anything that I could say that could even compare to the magnitude of Ryan’s words.
“What are you thinking about?” Ryan questioned as he noticed my deep expression.
Normally, I would lie in situations like this. I would say that nothing was wrong or make up some excuse that would veer the conversation to a different topic. However, with Ryan, I felt like I could share with him all of the crazy and tragic emotions swirling in my brain.
“Honestly? I am thinking about how you could think so highly of me when everyone else in my life barely knows I exist. I am thinking about how small we really are. I am scared at how you make me feel. I am remembering every drama I ever read that ended in death,” I whispered into the black air.
There was something truly magical about the night. The vast black darkness could hide and disguise anything lurking around you. The quiet and serene time could mislead you to believe that the world was at rest when in actuality, it was spinning and changing with every breath we took. In the shroud of darkness as Lie next to Ryan, I allowed the thoughts I usually reserve only for myself to come tumbling out of my mouth.
Turning his head to the side, Ryan faced me. Our faces were only inches apart but we felt so far away at the same time. I could vaguely make out through the glow of the moonlight casting a spotlight down on his beautiful face, a slight smile appear.
“Do you want to know what I am thinking about?” Ryan asked as he continued to stare deep into my eyes.
“Yes,” I nodded, almost afraid to say anything.
“I was thinking about how this beautiful and dark fantasy girl I just met had completely turned my world upside down. When my parents told me I had to come to Kentucky for a few weeks during my summer vacation, I was completely bummed. But, from the moment I saw your face as I stood in line at the restaurant, every thought and fear and smile I have had has all been based on your face.”
I felt a wet drop begin to crawl down my cheek. Quickly swatting the tear away, I couldn’t believe that I was about to cry. I hadn't cried in two years. Without warning, tears began to pour from my eyes and my chest began to heave up and down rapidly.
Throwing his arms around me, Ryan brought me to his chest as he allowed me to cry on his shoulder. I should have felt mortified for breaking down in front of this amazing guy, but I didn’t. Instead, I felt comforted and that feeling brought more tears streaming from my eyes.
As Ryan held me, he slowly patted my back and soothed me. He didn’t tell me it was going to be ok or ask me to stop. He just let me cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed and I didn’t care anyway. Neither of us thought to check our phones for the time, it just didn’t matter.
Once I figured out I was cried out, I smiled and laughed to myself. “I am sorry you had to see that, I am such an ugly crier,” I joked trying to lighten the mood.
“Tell me about it,” Ryan joked back, nudging my shoulder.
We fell back onto the grass again and just watched the stars up above us. In my mind, I thought about other life forms that might be out there, doing the exact same thing as we were in that moment. I loved how I could just be here with Ryan, neither of us talking, but we were happy and content.
Linking his fingers with mine, Ryan held onto me like he was my saving grace or anchor. Maybe it was the cool night air. Maybe it was the volume of the words spoken between us. Maybe it was the spark that ignited every time we touched or made eye contact. Regardless of the need, Ryan inched his way closer to me until he climbed on top of me. Hovering over my body, Ryan teased my lips with his until I leaned up and met him with such intensity I heard both of us gasp for air.
As our lips collided, our hands began to roam over each other's bodies with a need and force so strong neither of us could fight the attraction brewing. Slipping his hands into my shirt, Ryan looked into my eyes for consent. Smiling, I nodded as he roamed up further until he was cupping my breasts with each hand. Letting a moan escape my lips, I arched my head back, so his lips could continue their mission to find and kiss every inch of my body.
My hands roamed to Ryan’s pants and as my fingers danced along the hem of his shorts, I could feel his body pushing against mine. His hard length was rubbing against my thigh and my body ached with need each time I felt him against me.
Lifting my shirt above my head, Ryan threw it on the ground next to us. Our movements heated and grew faster as he looked at my body. Growing self-conscious I wasn’t sure if Ryan liked what he saw as he looked at me without my shirt on.
“Wow, you are beautiful,” Ryan breathed, as his hands slid up and down my sides, tickling my sensitive skin.
A smile touched my lips as my stuttering heart threatened to beat right out of my chest. Throwing myself on him again, I cupped my hands around his neck and pulled Ryan’s mouth back to mine. His hands moved to my bra and as he unclasped the material, he slowly slid my bra off my shoulders and carefully placed me back on the ground again. The damp grass felt cold against my warm skin as my back was tickled by the blades of grass.
“You are the sweetest guy I know,” I said, as I felt myself pouring myself into him.
“Are you sure about this?” Ryan asked, as he held my perky and ready breasts in his hands.
“Yes,” I breathed, as I pulled his face back to my neck again.
My fingers played with the button of his shorts and with help from Ryan, I undid his pants and slid them down his legs. With only my yoga pants and Ryan’s boxers between us, we were both suddenly aware of how close we were in that exact moment to living up to the highest peak of intimacy.
Moving one hand down my stomach, Ryan continued caressing my breast as his fingers dipped into the lining of my pants. He began to rub my wet opening and as his fingers began to push my panties aside, I gasped as I felt him place two fingers
deep inside of me. Rocking my body against him, I allowed Ryan to roam deeper inside of me. Flashes of colors and sounds invaded my mind as I felt overcome with pleasure and happiness. As I reached my peak, I called out Ryan’s name as my fingers dug into his now bareback. I wasn’t sure when I had taken his shirt off, but I was admiring his rock hard abs.
“How was that?” Ryan asked, as he moved his fingers out of my panties and over to my thigh.
“Amazing. Earth shattering,” I stuttered, as I was still coming down from my high.
Moving his hips, Ryan’s length moved closer to my opening, As my body met each of his movements I could feel us climbing up to a higher point in our heated passion.
Kissing me again, Ryan slid my pants and panties off as I worked my hands around his hard cock. We were reaching the point of no return when suddenly, a ring rang out into the air. Startled, Ryan and I both stopped moving and looked at one another. Reaching into the pocket of his shorts, Ryan lifted his phone and we both saw his mom’s name glowing on the caller ID.
Sighing out of frustration, Ryan sat up and took the call. As I lay there naked and vulnerable beneath him, I watched as Ryan mouthed, I’m sorry to me as he listened to his mom talk on the other end of the line.
Ending the call, Ryan ran his hands through his messy hair. “Do you have to go?” I asked, already knowing the answer to my question.
“Yes. Damn,” Ryan seethed, as he sat up and began pulling his shirt over his head.
“It’s ok,” I stated.
“I really wanted to, you know…” Ryan stuttered, as he tried to say the words appropriately.
“Me too,” I said, helping him so he wouldn’t have to say the words aloud.
As we both dressed in silence, the weight of the moment weighed down on me. Ryan was leaving in two days. I almost gave him part of myself that I had been saving for years.
Walking away from the golf course, I felt one lone tear escape my eyes. Quickly brushing it away, I smiled at Ryan and noticed his eyes were glistening too. We both understood what could have happened and what didn’t. What would happen next, would be a mystery to us both.