I Remember (Remembrance Series)

by Cynthia P. O'Neill

  “I promise to get something, later. I just don’t want to leave her alone, right now.”

  “How about I bring you back a snack?”

  “That would be nice. Here’s some money for both of our meals.” Gregory offered.

  “That’s not necessary. You have done so much already. It’s on me. I’ll be back soon. If anything changes, please have the nurse come get me.”

  “Okay, thanks”

  I tried opening my eyes, but they felt so heavy. I tried wiggling my fingers and toes, but my body would not move, even though my mind was willing it.

  Another set of footsteps came in the room. “Hi Gregory, are there any changes?” She had a pleasant voice.

  “No, ma’am.” He replied.

  “Have you tried playing the music to her again, today?” I was guessing she was a nurse. I could hear her messing with something in the room and scribbling something on paper.

  “No, ma’am. I’ll give it a try.”

  “Good. Keep talking with her and trying to reach her with music. Have you tried a favorite song?”

  “I have been playing all of her favorites, if that’s what you mean.”

  “No, honey, not her favorite music. What I mean is ‘Your Song’, one that the two of you share? Have you played that?” She asked.

  “We do have a special song, though I haven’t tried it. You think that might work better?”

  “I have seen it work before. Give it a try. I’ll check back with you, later. If you need anything, just hit the nurse’s button.”

  I could hear her footsteps fade out the doorway. Other sounds were now amplified-- the sounds of the nearby IV, dripping fluid and a whooshing sound, close to my face. It took me a while to realize it was oxygen flowing. Then I began feeling the flow of air in my nose.

  “Jordan, honey, I hope you can hear this. If you can, please follow the tune back to me. I don’t know how to live without you.” Gregory pleaded. I felt his hand brush against my right check and his warm lips press lightly on my forehead.

  All of the sudden, “I Knew I Loved You” started playing.

  I could hear the music. He was playing our song. I tried to move my lips to let him know I could hear the music, but found they would not budge.

  The song finished and he played it again, begging. “Jordan, please come back to me. Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

  Suddenly, I felt him holding my right hand, as he kept pleading for me to squeeze it. I could feel all the warmth and love in his gentle touch. I tried willing my hand to move, even the slightest, to let him know I heard him. I’d never concentrated on something so hard in all my life.

  “Jordan! Jordan! Squeeze my hand again, if you can hear me.” He was ecstatic.

  I had no strength left; but I managed to slightly move one finger.

  “Can I help you?” A loud voice came from beside the bed.

  “Can you send Nurse Lynn in here? I think she is starting to wake up!” Gregory yelled in delight.

  “Sweetie, open your eyes if you can.” He begged.

  I wanted to, but my eyelids still felt heavy.

  “Yes, Gregory?”

  “Watch this!” He said, with enthusiasm.

  “Jordan, Honey, squeeze my hand one more time for me. Please?”

  It was so hard but I responded by squeezing his hand just a little.

  The nurse sucked in a deep breath.

  “Do you think she is waking up?” He questioned.

  “Has she tried to open her eyes, yet?” The nurse asked.

  “Not yet. But I think I notice movement behind her eyelids.”

  “This is quite promising. She is responding to your voice and her vitals have improved. Keep trying to get her to wake up.”

  “Could you let Mrs. Carlisle know? She is in the cafeteria.”

  “Absolutely, I will go get her and page the doctor. Be right back.”

  “Jordan, please open your eyes for me.” Gregory begged.

  Try as I might, they just did not want to open. Then, without warning, I felt his breath on my face. His lips gently brushed against mine in an attempt for a kiss, asking the question to see if I was there. To my astonishment, my lips, answered back.

  I could hear his excitement. “I’ve missed you so much, Jordan. Please open your eyes, so I can see your beautiful face, again.”

  I felt him squeezing my hand tightly in his, as his other hand caressed my face begging me to open my eyes.

  A twitch started to occur around the edges of my eyelids. I realized they wanted to stay shut and safe from the evils of the world. But, my desire to see Gregory finally won out. I fought the heaviness and managed to open them, slightly.

  The light was too bright. Apparently, Gregory sensed this, as he shifted his body to block the brightness and shadow my eyes. “Come on back to me, Sweetheart. I need you.”

  I was able to open them again, a little more this time. It took my eyes awhile to focus and I grimaced at the discomfort it brought.

  “That’s my girl! I’ve missed you so much.” He said eagerly, moisture forming around the corners of his eyes.

  He leaned over and kissed me again. Overwhelming joy filled me when his lips were on mine.

  I tried to speak but only managed a weak likeness of my voice. “How long have I been here?”

  “The accident happened almost a week ago. But, that’s not important right now, only you are.” He leaned down to kiss me gently on the cheek.

  My body felt like a lead weight. I tried moving my upper torso slightly, to get a better look at my surroundings but everything hurt.

  “What’s wrong?” His voice laced with concerned.

  “Why does my chest hurt? I can’t breathe.” I said gasping, taking shallow breaths and puzzled by the pain.

  “You broke several ribs in the accident and one of them punctured your left lung. They had to make an incision to get the air out of your chest cavity and re-inflate your lung so your oxygen levels would return to normal.” Gregory’s voice was sympathetic.

  “What day is it?” His hand caressed my face, gently as he began to enlighten me, “It’s Thursday. You received quite a bit of trauma in the accident. The doctor’s decided it was best to sedate you for several days and placed you on a ventilator to give your lungs and body a chance to heal itself. They reduced the level of sedation and took you off the ventilator a couple of days ago and moved you to this room. They had anticipated you’d wake right up. We were so worried when you didn’t.”

  “Jordan! Baby, you’re awake!” Mom’s voice yelled out in joy as she entered the room.

  She tossed her purse to the floor and placed a couple of white plastic bags with, what looked to be food containers, on the table across the room. Gregory got off the chair and stepped to the other side of the bed so my mother could hold my hand.

  “Hi, Mom. I’m so sorry about...” I tried to console her as tears started streaming down her face.

  “It’s not your fault. I am just thankful Gregory was there when it happened and that you are here with us, now!” Mom kissed my cheek, very gently.

  Gregory grabbed another chair and moved it around to the other side of the bed. He couldn’t contain that same quirky smile he had the first night we met.

  “You can hold my other hand if you want, Gregory. You don’t have to stop just because my mother is here.”

  “I would love to sweetie, but that arm is broken.” He informed me.

  “How much do you remember about the accident, Jordan?” My mom asked.

  “Gregory told me about my ribs and lung. I have a broken arm, too? I tried to move my arm and started to panic when I couldn’t. The panic affected my breathing and then more pain ensued.

  “Jordan, calm down,” They said, in unison.

  I looked at Mom, expecting her to elaborate on the details, but she was too emotional to talk. I turned to Gregory and he calmly explained. “I’m afraid to hold your left hand right now, because you are only wearing a spli
nt. They had to operate, because it wasn’t a clean fracture. The doctor is waiting for the stitches to come out and the swelling to go down, before he can put you into a cast. You also have a concussion, a cut above your left eye, and several small cuts and bruises on your arms and legs.”

  I moved my head, in spite of the pain, to get a better look at myself. My lower left arm looked quite bruised and swollen and was propped up on a couple of pillows. It was then that I noticed my naked finger. “Where’s your ring? Please tell me I didn’t lose it.”

  Mom spoke up. “They had to remove it because your hand started swelling.”

  “I have it safely with me. Remind me later to talk to you about it.” He said, with a sly grin.

  I was starting to become more aware of my surroundings. “Where did all the balloons and arrangements come from?”

  “You have a lot of people who care about you, Jordan.” My mom said, smiling.

  Before I could ask anything else, the doctor came in, smiling. “Hello, Miss Carlisle. I’m Doctor Kurtz. I’ll be monitoring your progress while you are here in the hospital.” I recognized the voice as the one I had heard, earlier.

  Mom got up and stepped back to let the doctor come closer. “I want you to look up at the ceiling, so I can take a look at your eyes.” He took out a pen light and flashed it over my eyes a couple of times. “Looks like your concussion is healing, your pupils are reacting to the light.”

  He grabbed my right hand and asked me to squeeze it as hard as I could. He then tested my reflexes on the bottom of my feet and knees. “Your reflexes look great. Do you know what day it is and why you are in here?”

  “They tell me it is Thursday. The last date I remember is, Friday, June 24th. So I am guessing it is the 30th now? I am here because I was in an accident” I replied.

  “That’s correct. What’s your pain level and where does it hurt?”

  “The pain isn’t too bad, as long as I don’t move. It’s worse when I try to breathe deeply.”

  “I hate to tell you this, Jordan, but now that you are awake, we are going to start pushing you to move around and take deeper breaths; so we can avoid the complications of pneumonia. We can try a couple of different pain medications to see which works best at controlling your level of discomfort, along with some ice packs. I will be honest with you; the ribs are going to be the most painful and will take the longest to heal.” Doctor Kurtz was very matter of fact.

  He continued. “I will set up a respiratory therapist to come by this afternoon to start working with you on breathing exercises to strengthen your lungs and show you how to move safely so your ribs heal, correctly. Now, onto the all important question, do you feel hungry or thirsty?”

  I had to think about it for a moment, “I do feel thirsty, but not sure if I am hungry, yet.”

  Dr. Kurtz wrote down a few notes on a computer tablet. “I’ll have the nurse bring you in some water to drink and some ice to chew on. If you can hold that down, then we can move toward clear juices, broth, and eventually some food. We want to take things slow, since we are reawakening your digestive system. If we move too fast you could get nauseous and, if you threw up, it could cause further damage your ribs. So, baby steps for now.”

  After he finished inputting his notes, he looked up. “Do you have any questions, Jordan?”

  “How soon do I have to start moving? What are my limitations? How quickly can I be released?”

  “I’ll let you have a couple of hours to try and hold down some liquids and gather your strength before we start pushing you. You can’t use your left arm for anything until we get it in a cast. I’ll order a sling to help alleviate stress and strain on the arm when you are walking around. We don’t want you to do too much too quickly; but we want to prevent the chance of fluid building up in your lungs from inactivity.

  “Your release all depends on how much you can handle. The biggest limitation will be lifting, which you absolutely can’t do, until your arm and ribs are healed. Of course, there will be no driving for a while and the rest we can figure out as you progress.

  “If you don’t have any further questions, I will let the nurse’s station know what your new orders are for diet and pain medication. I will check back with you in the morning to see how things are going.”

  The rest of the afternoon I was allowed to sip water and eat ice. My strength was so weak that the water cup was shaking in my hand and I had to rely on mom to hold it for me. It felt so good on my overly parched throat.

  When mom wasn’t holding the water for me, Gregory was feeding me ice chips. I hated feeling helpless, since I had always been the caregiver not the recipient.

  Between the two of them, I was filled in on everything that had happened. I was on short-term disability from work until I had a doctor’s release. Gregory had taken a leave of absence from work, for a “family emergency.” Neither of them had strayed from the hospital until I was out of the Intensive Care Unit and then it was only long enough to take a shower and change clothes.

  According to my mom, Gregory refused to leave the hospital, even to get his things. He asked his parents to drop by his place and bring him clothing and his shaving kit. My mother had graciously offered him use of my bathroom at home, to freshen up.

  “I finally got to meet Gregory’s parents, though I wish it had been under better circumstances. They are really sweet and Lorraine and I are fast becoming friends. Both of them have been up here a couple of times to check on you and sit with us. They care a great deal about you, Jordan.” Mom reassured me.

  The Respiratory Therapist, Melissa, came by early in the afternoon. She explained that Dr. Kurtz had ordered medicated breathing treatments, twice a day, to keep my lungs clear. After receiving the first treatment, she listened to my lungs. “They sound good. Now, it’s time to get you moving a bit.”

  Memories of the pain it caused just moving a little bit caused me to panic.

  “No need to worry, Jordan. The nurse and I will help you.”

  “I accept that the first movement will be the most painful. But, I can’t grasp how I am going to get out of this bed without being able to lift up with my arms and being unable to be lifted with my upper torso?” I questioned.

  Nurse Lynn patted me lightly on the shoulder, “We have all kinds of tricks of the trade, honey.” She held up what looked like a huge belt with a handle on it. “Let’s get you in a sitting position first and see about your balance and how your legs feel.”

  They carefully helped me into a sitting position on the side of the bed. The room began to spin and I started to fall backwards. Gregory was quick to catch me, lightly on the back with his hands. Both he and my mother reassured me. “You’re doing great!”

  The spinning soon stopped and the nurse fastened the belt around my hips, so they could help lift me without pressure being applied to my arms or ribs. The therapist showed me how to hold a pillow tight to my chest to prevent movement in my ribs, as I stood. Between the three of us, I managed to stand upright.

  Once I was standing, my right hand grabbed the IV pole to try and steady myself, as my legs were weak from a lack of use. It was painful. I wanted to scream; but I tried to put on a brave face, so I wouldn’t worry Mom or Gregory.

  The trip around the room was excruciating, but I survived. After I was back in bed, the nurse said, “I will go get some pain medication for you.”

  “No, I don’t think I need any right now.”

  “Sweetheart, you are as white as a ghost. You are obviously hurting; we can all see that. Your body needs time to heal itself and it can’t if it’s stressed out from pain.” Gregory stated, reassuringly.

  “I know, I am just tired of sleeping and I don’t want to miss out on any more time with Mom and you.”

  “We’re not going anywhere.”

  The nurse came back in with a syringe filled with pain meds and delivered it into the IV. Mom offered Gregory her seat so he could hold my hand while I fought sleep.

  Before long
I felt my eyelids close and I was powerless to open them. I could feel his hand giving mine a gentle squeeze, along with a kiss, and from far away, I heard, “I love you, Jordan.”

  The last thing I remember was trying to reply, “I love you, too.”

  I awoke with a sudden startle, yelling out the words, “No!” Then I moved too quickly and screamed.

  “It’s all right, Jordan. I’m right here. Are you in pain?” My mother’s voice comforted me, as she patted my hand.

  “I just moved too fast and had a bad dream, I think.” My eyes slowly opened and tried to refocus. It was then that I panicked. “Where’s Gregory?”

  “Gregory held your hand for the last three hours. I could hear his stomach rumbling and suggested he go grab a shower, get some fresh clothes and some food.”

  “When did he leave?”

  “He left about an hour and a half ago, but only through a lot of persuasion by the nurse and me. I don’t know if you noticed, but he hasn’t stopped smiling or taken his eyes off you since you woke up.” My mother held back, what looked like a tear, and continued. “Gregory reminds me a lot of your father. I’ve never seen someone so much in love, not since your Dad and I dated and were married. He is definitely a keeper.”

  I smiled. “That’s why I love him so much. Though you know, you will always be a part of my heart too, Mom.”

  “I know, Dear, as you will always be part of mine.”

  “What time is it?” I asked.

  “It’s around 6:00 PM.”

  “Aren’t you hungry? Why don’t you get something to eat?” I asked.

  “I had a larger lunch than Gregory. He has hardly eaten anything since you’ve been in here. I will wait for him to get back and then go grab something.”

  “Have either of you gotten any sleep?” I asked, watching my mother yawn.

  “To be honest, not much. Neither of us would leave you when you were in ICU, especially during the first 24 hours, because you were in critical condition. We mainly slept in the waiting area, in between allowed visits. When you were moved to this room, the nurses brought in a recliner and a cot, so we could grab a little rest here and there, each of us taking turns sleeping, while the other was awake.”