She met his eyes and he was determined to wipe that look off her face. He knew all her weak points and he intended using them. They’d never done this before: gone at one another with all safety barriers off, but the time had come.
**********
Christina
Christina and Bonnie found Riley waiting downstairs, leaning against the building with one foot up behind him. It reminded her of when they were teenagers and how he’d wait for her after school, but that Riley and Christina belonged to different lifetimes. When he saw the two women, he didn’t say anything, just walked away behind some buildings into a car parking lot, expecting them to follow.
The two women looked at one another and Christina hesitated before following Riley, but Bonnie took her arm. Neither woman said a word because they knew this was going to be ugly. They’d seen Riley face off with people before, but neither of them had been the target.
As soon as they were far enough away from the street, Riley rounded on Christina. It took every inch of courage not to step backwards or flinch in the face of his assault. Leaning into Christina’s face and jabbing a finger, he shouted, “You fucking whore. Don’t try to deny it. I know what you did.”
“Uh-uh,” Bonnie snapped, pushing herself between Riley and Christina. “You get back and out of her face.” Christina had expected something like this, but faced with the reality, it fuelled her steely resolve.
How dare he call her a whore! Her eyes narrowed and she looked at him in disgust. He was a sexist pig, a double standard playing hypocrite, and she refused to be shamed or cowered by him.
“I’m a whore?” She spat out. “Wow. That’s funny coming from you.”
Riley took a step back, speaking around Bonnie, as if she wasn’t there. Looking Christina up and down in disgust, he seethed. “Don’t try and talk your way out of this one, Christina. You betrayed me.”
Bonnie moved to the side, but kept in range. Christina was eternally grateful for Bonnie’s company because, at the moment, she didn’t trust Riley. She’d never seen him this angry and he was like a ticking time bomb. She didn’t trust him to be able to control himself.
His hands kept clenching into fists and the look in his eyes scared her. She’d never been frightened of him physically, until now. He looked like he wanted to kill her.
Every accusation he hurled hurt. It felt like Riley was trying to drive his way into her with a knife and slice up what was left of her. She wanted to turn and flee, beg him to stop and end this, but she wouldn’t.
Pride and instinct kept her there. If she fled, he’d have won, and she would never have a sense of self again. He would feel justified in what he’d done, in every single thing, from leaving without a word, holding the divorce over her head, and trying to ruin any peace she had carved out for herself in her new life.
She might not be perfect, but neither was he, and she wasn’t going to let him escape without comment. Straightening her shoulders, Christina stuck her chin out. “How many girls have you fucked, Riley, and made sure it got back to me? Or is it different when you do it?”
Riley didn’t flinch, but his eyes burned with intensity. “I never slept with anyone else when we were together,” he snarled. “Never.”
Christina shrugged. “Neither did I.” She knew she was playing a dangerous game, but he wasn’t the only ones with weapons. If this was a knife fight, she had a few of her own.
Riley looked at her in disbelief, shaking his head slowly. “So you’re saying you didn’t cheat? Because if you are, you’re a fucking liar.”
“Oh, I cheated,” Christina snapped, “but not on you. “We,” she said wagging her finger between them, “weren’t together. I cheated on Ted and I have to live with that.”
“Are you fucking serious, Christina?” Riley shouted in her face. “We were together. We were talking about getting back together. What was that about?”
“Closure,” Christina retorted. “Finally realizing after all this time that we were never going to work and ending it.”
“You. Cold. Bitch,” Riley hissed. “What were you going to do? Fuck me and then go back to cry-baby-Poser-douche?”
Christina gulped. No, she hadn’t been going to do that, but it was none of Riley’s business. “I’m cold?” She whispered. “You are the most spiteful and vindictive person I’ve ever met. You do things just to be cruel because you get some sick and twisted pleasure out of it.”
Riley shook his head. “I’m cruel? You wanted this, Christina – all of it. This is your show. Don’t expect any favors from me because it isn’t going the way you wanted it to.”
“And you’ve never done me any favors,” Christina snapped back. “You wouldn’t give me anything, just because I wanted it.” She rubbed a hand over her eyes and gulped. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take, but the floodgates were open and everything was spilling out.
“Tell me, Riley,” she asked in a voice that sounded thick even to her own ears, “was it so wrong of me to want something more than being a teenage housewife in a hick town? Wanting something beyond what you wanted? That’s not a relationship. That’s a hostage situation and even if you thought it was a mistake, isn’t it my mistake to make?”
The edge around Christina’s vision began to blur and she fought back tears. “Don’t worry,” she said quietly. “I paid a high price for my choices.” She’d lost her mother and then him in the space of a fortnight. Her choices – her actions, but unlike Riley, she was prepared to take ownership and face the consequences.
They stood staring at each other, wondering how far this would go. What would it take to break the other? They both could have walked away, but they didn’t because they knew it was the end.
**********
Riley
In this moment, Riley hated Christina, especially her refusal to be contrite, and admit she’d cheated. He’d expected her to break and run, but she hadn’t. She stood firmly, refusing to back down, so he pushed harder. He went for her pressure point: her mother.
“I used to want you back, Christina, but I don’t now. I don’t even recognize you anymore. The girl I love is dead,” he hissed. “I’ve realized now that she died with her mother.”
Christina’s eyes went dark and he expected her rage, but he saw the walls close around her. If he had to pick a moment when love died and he really knew it was over between them: this was it. There was no coming back and he had nothing left to lose.
“You were always a coward, Christina,” Riley sneered. “Too scared to live your own life and be your own person. Always doing what your mother wanted or what I told you to do, because it was easier than standing up for yourself. I bet you just attached yourself to that loser in D.C. to borrow a personality because you don’t have one of your own.”
To his surprise, Christina smiled at him and it was so malicious he almost flinched. “Oh, we’re back on that, are we? You know what I think, Riley? Don’t worry, the question was rhetorical,” she smirked. “I think you thought I’d wait for you, but I didn’t. I think you expected me to shrivel up and die over you. You’re upset because I had feelings for someone else and I did. Actually, I still do. I was creating a future with someone else. Someone that wasn’t you, someone better for me than you.”
A part of him acknowledged that Christina was right. It did upset him, but he wouldn’t admit that: not to her. Instead, Riley laughed in her face. “I don’t want you. I left you twice, remember? And I’m leaving you again. If Poser wants my sloppy seconds, he’s welcome to them. As if I’d want a cheating, lying, bitch like you.”
“Why this, Riley?” Christina asked quietly. “Why didn’t you just sign the divorce papers? Why insist on this meeting?”
Riley smiled at her, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “You know why.”
Christina nodded. “I do. You wanted to humiliate me and make me beg one last time.”
Staring at her in disbelief, Riley’s temper got the better of him. “Humiliate you? Are you serious?
” He shouted. “You were with some other guy when we were talking about fixing our relationship! And when you didn’t get your own way you dragged my parents into our shit, telling them you’d go after our money.”
Christina shook her head and said forcefully. “It’s not like that. Why do you have to make everything so brutal and cruel? You left me no other choice. I have tried to be reasonable with you over the years and you’ve just ignored me. If you knew the things I’ve been through-”
“What things?” Riley sneered. “Are we back on your poor, dead mother? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?”
“It’s the opposite,” Christina retorted. “I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you couldn’t let this go because this is the only thing you had left to hold over my head. You’re a control freak and a bully-”
“I’m a bully?” Riley shouted. “Me?”
“Yes. You are,” Christina nodded. “We were kids, Riley, but I’m a grown-up now and I won’t be pushed around by you or anyone else.”
Riley slowly looked Christina up and down in disgust. Eyeing her clothes, she looked ridiculous. “What? Do you think wearing an old lady’s outfit makes you a grown-up?”
“No,” Christina said quietly, staring him straight in the eye. “Trying to rectify my mistakes makes me a grown up. And you,” she pointed her finger accusingly at him, “are one of those mistakes.”
She pursed her lips and her chin trembled. Riley knew she was close to her breaking point, but the next words out of her mouth cut him to the bone. “Riley,” Christina said, holding his eyes. “I don’t love you anymore. We are over.”
Christina wasn’t the only one who was proud. Her words hurt him so badly that for a moment he felt himself stop breathing. He forced himself to maintain eye contact with her and deliberately shook his head.
“I don’t love you either, sweetheart. You’re some kind of sick joke,” Riley growled.
Christina glared at him, folding her arms. Her eyes were glassy with pain, but he didn’t feel sorry for her. “Are we done here?” She asked. “Is this enough for you? Or do you want to keep going?”
Riley clenched his fists and stared at Christina. She was a stone-cold-hearted bitch, a stranger. Whoever this was, it wasn’t his girl.
“Oh, we’re done,” Riley sneered, “You,” he poked Christina in the arm. “Are dead to me. Know this,” he warned. “I hate you now as much as I once loved you. If I ever get the chance to break you, Christina, I’m going to take it. I don’t care how long it takes me. I promise. I’ll get you when you least expect it.”
Christina looked at him and her eyes were dull. He knew he’d hurt her and he was glad. He wanted her to feel as bad as he did.
She swallowed, pressing her lips together. He knew those signs. She was close to melting down. He waited for her it, but it didn’t come.
Instead, Christina looked him straight in the eye. “Okay,” she nodded. “If that’s how you want it, so be it.” Stepping forward into his personal space, her eyes were hard. “I want you to know this, you were nothing but a waste of my life. When we’re done, I won’t think of you at all.”
Riley had never considered himself to be a violent man with women, but he wanted to backhand Christina across the mouth. Instead he counted to ten, nodding. “Fine by me,” he sneered. “You’re a cu-”
“Stop it,” Bonnie shouted, waving her hands in front of her face. Both Riley and Christina jumped, because they had forgotten she was there. Bonnie looked at the two of them and her face crumpled. “Enough, please,” Bonnie begged. “Enough! I can’t take anymore. This is… horrible. What you’re doing to each other is… Just stop it!”
Riley had never seen Bonnie cry. She wasn’t the type. He felt partly ashamed of his behavior and angry. Rounding on Bonnie, he snapped, “Why are you crying?”
Bonnie looked at him with red-rimmed eyes that stopped him in his tracks. The raw pain evident in her eyes made Riley feel the magnitude of what she’d witnessed and he felt ashamed. Choking out in a strangled voice, Bonnie croaked. “I’m crying because you two won’t.”
Christina placed her arms around Bonnie and Riley left without looking back. He made his way to the offices, signed the papers, urging his parents to leave straight after. It was the last he spoke to Christina, until she busted in on him drunk at the farmhouse in October 2012.
**********
Christina
This didn’t taste like victory to Christina. It was empty. She thought she’d be cheering with relief, but she just felt numb. It was done. They were done. Oh god, they were really done.
By the time Christina and Bonnie got back to the offices, the Rileys had gone. She stared at Riley’s signature on the papers and tears welled in her eyes. She blinked them back and signed, handing them over to Debbie.
“Dina,” Bonnie pleaded, but Christina shook her head, putting her hand up. She was in survival mode and she knew she was close to breaking, but wouldn’t do it here. Not in front of Riley’s lawyer or Debbie and Gillian.
Christina got up, leaving the room as fast as she could and heading to the elevator. Her companions didn’t say a word, leaving Christina to her private thoughts. Debbie and Gillian made their discreet exits to give her some space, saying they wanted to go sight-seeing in Seattle.
She nodded, encouraging Bonnie to go with them, but Bonnie gave her a hard stare. They got into a cab, heading back to the hotel, riding up in the elevator without a word. It was only when Christina closed the door to the room that she collapsed to the floor.
Christina turned to Bonnie, yanking off her jacket and hyperventilating. “I can’t breathe. Oh my god! Bonnie. I can’t breathe. I-can’t-breathe. Get it off me.”
Wrenching off her shirt and shoes, Christina buried her face in her hands. She hit herself over the head, slapping her hands on her forehead until Bonnie stopped her. Sitting behind her, Bonnie wrapped her arms around Christina’s chest and arms. She kissed Christina’s hair, rocking her as she broke.
“What have I done, Bonnie?” She sobbed. “What did I just do?” Both women were crying; Bonnie holding on tight while Christina’s heart-wrenching sobs wracked her body.
**********
Riley
Riley sat emotionless, enduring a four-hour car ride home with his parents, going over the events of the day. His mother was gloating that they hadn’t had to pay Christina, while his father droned on about her sense of dignity and principles. He didn’t say a word because everything hurt.
He tuned his parents out, focusing on the landscape, and replaying the fight with Christina in his mind. They were really done. They were never going to make it up or get back together and he had to keep the raw pain of that at bay.
Riley was so angry with her, angry for forcing this, angry for cheating, and angry that she wouldn’t break. He expected her to crumple and then he would have lacerated her, but she stood her ground, throwing things in his face that cut him to the bone. He’d always felt their love was special, but he was wrong.
Their love was a corpse and he couldn’t decide which one of them was to blame. She was going to be a corporate drone, marrying someone like Poser guy, and having perfect Poser-drone like children. He wanted to smash his hands through the car windows just for some relief from what was going on inside him.
The girl he knew was gone. He didn’t recognize the one he’d just seen in Seattle. His girl had a smile that lit up the room and the voice of an angel. Dina was warm and funny, kind and honorable.
Riley decided to split the two up in his mind to establish clarity: his girl was Dina and this imposter was Christina. His Dina was never coming back. She was dead and he needed to mourn her.
For the rest of the journey, he focused on creating his own private wake and putting her to rest. As soon as his parents’ car pulled up at the farm, Riley got out without saying a word. Walking to his father’s shed, Riley grabbed a chainsaw and a can of gasoline.
He went into the farmhouse, the home he’d
shared with Dina, and stormed into their bedroom. He carved their marital bed up into four pieces, dragging the remnants outside, and throwing them in a pile. He tore the place apart, grabbing their photo albums, Christina’s old clothes that he’d kept, and loading everything into his arms.
Riley spent nearly two hours clearing out the farmhouse of anything that reminded him of her. He found a sense of purpose and peace in that methodical process, erasing her memory from his life. Correction: erasing them from his life. The final item he threw on the pile was his sketchpads that contained drawings he’d done of Christina over the years.
Riley stood looking at the mass of memories before him and nodded to himself. He was ready. He got a hose, putting it beside him, before lighting the pile on fire. As the flames started, he stared dry eyed and numb at the mementos of their life together. “Goodbye, nightingale,” he whispered.
He saw Steven and his father loping toward him, and he prepared himself for an argument, but to his surprise, the two men didn’t say a word. Instead, Steven handed him a beer. He flinched as Steven squeezed his arm, but the Riley men stood silent and resolute, watching the fire as the flames leapt high.
Chapter Eleven: Friction
Christina, Shanwick, The Present, Saturday, November 10, 2012
“On the count of three, Dina,” Gabby laughed. “Come on or we’ll be late for our own party. One, two, three…”
Christina opened the door and both sisters shrieked at the sight of one another. They’d spent most of the day together, primping and preening, having things done that Christina hated. Both women wore little black dresses, Christina’s plain and figure hugging, held together on the shoulders by large gold safety pins.
Gabby’s dress was a chaste halter-style dress until she turned around, revealing the silver skull motifs at the back. Gabby’s hair and makeup were part rockabilly, part Katy Perry with vixen red lipstick. For once, Gabby’s outfit reflected her personality; it was a cross between cute and dangerous.
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