“Right,” Gabby snapped with narrowed eyes, staring over Christina’s head. “Because if you’re avoiding Riley, I don’t think Australia or New Zealand is going to be far enough.”
Christina froze and she stared at her sister like a deer in the headlights. She felt the color drain from her face and her mind went blank. “Is he? Is he here? Behind me?” She hissed.
“Yup,” Gabby nodded. “Close enough to hear our conversation and our plans TO KILL HIM!”
“Christina,” she heard him say. His voice sent chills up her spine, wrapping around her like a long lost melody. She closed her eyes, too afraid to turn around.
Gabby wiped Christina’s mouth, startling her. “Vino mustache,” she whispered. “If you’re going to kick his ass, we don’t want distractions.”
The music stopped playing, sending Christina into a fit of nervous giggles. This was unprecedented and un-Martin like. Her father would never give up an opportunity to do a guitar solo in front of a live, but small, audience.
“I need to talk to you,” Riley continued. “I’d prefer to do it to your face, rather than your back. It’s important.”
Christina had to stop herself from blurting something dirty and she realized she was close to melting down. Turning slowly, she faced him and her breath caught. There he stood, dressed all in black like she was.
It struck her they were both dressed in the favorite color of their teenage years, but that wasn’t what was going on here. They were both in mourning, grieving for something that was dead, but not quite buried. His green eyes roamed her face and her heart stopped.
For a moment, she forgot to breathe, lost in that intense stare. It was the one that made her feel as if she was the center of his universe. Who was she kidding? She was never getting over this guy, never plus infinity times one.
A universe of distance wouldn’t change anything; they were as destructive and dangerous to one another as heroin to a drug addict. Why did he have to come here? She was doing fine, but here he was, his presence taunting her, and reminding her of everything that could have been.
“No!” Christina blurted, shaking her head. “You can’t be here. You need to leave me some peace in this world. Just-one-tiny-place.”
Grabbing her handbag, she fled like a lunatic into the night. She didn’t know where she was going, but she didn’t care, so long as it was away from here and him. She ran toward the beach because it was the only thing powerful enough to mask the noise inside her head.
Chapter Twenty-Five: The Gordian Knot
Riley, Rimini, Midnight, Thursday, February 21, 2013
“Well, don’t just stand there with your thumb up your ass,” Gabby frowned, waving a hand in Riley’s direction. She was sitting on a stool, her legs far off the ground, kicking them out as if she were ten years old. “Go chase her… do something.”
In all the scenarios he’d run through his head, Riley hadn’t anticipated Christina refusing to speak to him. She’d stared at him in horror, before storming past like the hounds of hell were chasing her. He felt foolish standing here in front of her family and friends, dithering on how to proceed.
When Riley failed to move quickly enough, Gabby rolled her eyes. “Men! Do we have to do everything for you? I knew you were coming,” she nodded, sucking on a straw. “Especially after I saw your apology online. She’s hurt, raw, in pain, and damaged, but she still loves you. No matter what she says, she does, and she’s bowed, not broken. She is unbreakable.”
Gabby’s eyes narrowed and glittered dangerously, making the hairs on the back of Riley’s neck stand up. “My loyalty lies with Dina,” she snapped, holding his eyes, “but I’ve been fighting your corner, too. Who do you think got Andy to use his credit card and hire a bright pink car? So, take your goddamn thumb out of your ass and go find her! Try the beach.”
Gabby Martin was awesome and Riley was glad she was sort of on his side. He nodded, giving her a hug. “Yes, ma’am.”
He fled out the front doors, looking left and right, but couldn’t see Dina anywhere. On a hunch, he went down to the water’s edge and saw a shock of red in the dark. It was still raining, which made navigating the sticky sand difficult, but he lurched on like an extra from The Mummy.
She turned at his approach, groaning before walking away. Okay. He got it. Mr. Popular he was not and he was getting used to that role.
Now or never, balls on the table and nothing left behind. “Wait!” Riley called out. “I’ve come to apologize. I need to explain some things to you. I’m not asking you for anything, except to hear me out.”
Christina stood shivering, waiting for him to walk to her. She never made anything easy, especially for him, and he got the message. She wasn’t about to meet him halfway.
“I know what I did was unforgivable,” Riley started. “I know we’re over. I haven’t come here to bullshit you. It’s the opposite. I want to tell you the truth.”
Riley hated doing this, but if the truth could set them both free, he’d do it. He wiped the rain from his face and stared into those eyes that were as dark as obsidian glass. “I’m on the bipolar spectrum, Christina. It doesn’t alter what I did. I know I was cruel and vicious. I confessed things I didn’t want to remember, let alone tell anyone, especially you.”
Christina’s face was impassive, but she semi-turned toward him indicating her interest. “I go off my meds when I write lyrics,” he sighed, “because they affect my creativity. This time… I went to a dark place and I couldn’t get out of it. I threw my meds away because I thought I was okay, but I wasn’t. I went as close to the edge as I’ve ever been.”
“Bipolar?” She frowned, but didn’t look surprised. “Are you diagnosed and what do you mean on the spectrum?”
“Yes. I’m diagnosed,” Riley confessed. “I got diagnosed three years ago. I’ve got Cyclothymic Disorder.” It felt weird to be talking about this in diagnostic terms. Most people stopped at the mention of bipolar and acted like the less information the better.
“I have episodes of mania and depression,” he added. “They range in intensity. Usually, I can keep them under control living a balanced life, but sometimes I need mood stabilizers.”
Christina nodded. “You always did have a temper and your mood swings are legendary. I guess it makes sense.”
He waited for her to continue, but she didn’t. She’d always been good at keeping her own counsel and whatever was in her mind remained unfathomable. Jed had advised him to talk to her heart, but the woman before him was as hard as iron and distant as the stars.
Riley took a deep breath. He’d come to apologize and he’d achieved that. Now, he wanted to give them a gracious and noble end. “If I could take back what I did, I would,” he said quietly. “I can’t express how sorry I am. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, but I know I have. I’ve hurt you over and over again. You asked me once if I had any regrets and I said a few. Well, that was only a partial truth. All the regrets I have are over you, the mistakes I’ve made… but I promise, I swear, I will never hurt you again.”
Christina didn’t utter a word, opting to stare at the ocean instead of making eye contact with him. Riley walked away without turning back. There was no point in fighting for someone whose love he’d destroyed.
He was surprised it didn’t hurt, but he figured that would come later. His overriding feeling was disappointment. For an epic love story, they hadn’t ended in a hiss or a roar, but in stony silence.
**********
Christina
Christina realized too late in the conversation that she’d drunk too much wine to fully process what was happening. When this trip was over, she was drying out. The shock of seeing Riley had addled her wits and now she was coming to terms with his disorder.
Why hadn’t he told her earlier? She turned to ask him that question, only to see the image of his retreating back, slowly walking up the beach. If life came down to moments, this was one of them.
Christina had the option of l
etting him walk away. He’d apologized and given her a reasonable explanation. He’d been ill, something she worked out herself, and it struck her that she’d forgiven everyone else, but him.
She also knew Riley well enough to know he was good to his word. He wouldn’t hurt her again, not intentionally. Whether she let him go or tried to understand this better, it came down to the head or heart.
In actuality, she didn’t have a clue what to do. She played ‘he loves me, he loves me not’ on her fingers, but with head and heart in substitution. She landed on ‘head’, but opted for something else.
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, calling out, “Riley,” but he didn’t stop. Dammit. She had questions now, thousands of them, and she wanted answers.
Storming up the beach, she bellowed his name again until he stopped, waiting for her to catch up. Christina stood in front of him and his face was impassive. The man before her had changed, as if he’d been forged in fire and made of steel.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She demanded, wiping rain from her face. “You could have told me you had bipolar or whatever it is. I would’ve understood. It wouldn’t have changed how I feel about you.”
Riley shrugged, his smile tinged with pain. “I didn’t want you to have to take care of me. I know. It’s stupid, but you take care of everyone else. I didn’t want you to have to take care of me, too.”
Christina screwed up her face. Stupid? That was ridiculous. “That’s unfair. You took away my choice and made a decision for me.” Poking herself in the chest, she stated. “I’m the person that gets the dirty jobs in this world, remember? I get to drag drug-addicted brothers out of hotel rooms and fight with their psycho girlfriends. I’m not the one that gets to hand out hearts and flowers. I like taking care of people. It gives me the opportunity to show my love.”
Riley squeezed his eyes shut, tilting his head to the sky. “I know,” he groaned. “Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.”
He was an idiot. An. Idiot. It made Christina so angry that she had to count to ten in her head to calm down. “You are a stupid man!” She blurted and then began to cry.
“I know,” he whispered. “It haunts me. This year turned into a perfect storm and I was arrogant enough to think I could control everything, but I couldn’t. I’ve never had to force this before, going off-grid and writing. It always came naturally, but this year was different.”
Christina frowned. “Why?” And as he smiled sadly, it dawned on her. “Because of me,” she blurted. Oh god, she’d actually been instrumental in his breakdown. She’d put so much pressure on him that he’d cracked.
“No,” Riley shook his head adamantly. “Don’t go there. I know what you’re doing, trying to somehow make yourself responsible, and it’s not the reason.” Swallowing hard, he rasped out, “You made me happy, Dina. I didn’t want to leave you and had to force myself to go. I actually put myself into a depressive state to write and it took me to the edge. I knew our relationship was based on lies and every time I tried to tell you the truth, I couldn’t. So, this is on me, not you.”
Christina grimaced and she closed her eyes. They were both guilty of withholding information because they thought it would hurt the other one. She was also guilty of lies by omission and although she didn’t want to be ‘judgey’, she had to acknowledge that his ones were worse.
She didn’t want to ask the next question, but she had to for her own peace of mind. It haunted her and she had to know the truth, even if it broke her. “Did you do it?” She cringed. “Did you really do that to Ted and his fiancé?”
Riley had tears in his eyes and he nodded. “Yeah. I did it. I know, it’s unforgivable, but I wanted revenge and I took it.”
Christina’s heart sank. She could forgive him for everything else, but that. “I forgive you for “Magnificent”. I really do. I forgive you for lying by omission to me because I’ve done it too. But I can’t forgive you for Ted.”
Riley closed his eyes and he swallowed hard, but she hadn’t finished yet. “Just to be clear, I can’t forgive you for that, because that’s not mine to forgive. You didn’t do that to me. You did it to him and if you want to make peace, it has to be with him.”
“Yeah… about that,” Riley cringed. “I telephoned Ted Bateman and apologized to him for being an asshole. I explained I was in a bad place when I did that and I hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive me. He told me to go fuck myself and said he wouldn’t piss on me, if I was on fire.”
Christina pressed her lips together and clapped a hand over her mouth. It wouldn’t do to laugh at a time like this, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t imagine the genial Ted ever saying such a thing.
“Oh, yeah,” Riley nodded. “Jasmine, his ex fiancé, was even better. She told me if I ever contact her again, she’d take a restraining order out on me. She called me a sick fuck, said I was the worst mistake of her life, and found the thought of me repulsive.”
Christina snorted. Riley deserved it, but she gave him props for trying. He wasn’t the apologizing sort and she realized there was a humility in him that hadn’t been there before.
This was a bittersweet feeling. At the end of it all, they were trying to be open and honest with one another. For once, she didn’t feel like he was playing games with her or trying to protect her from things his mind conjured up.
She fully acknowledged she also had ‘issues’ with humility. A lot of the problems between them were due in large part to her inability to express her feelings honestly. She aimed to change that, even if the thought terrified her.
“I need to ask you something,” Christina said quietly, but inside she was shaking. It was the question she’d been too afraid to voice because the answer determined the outcome of everything. “You see,” she choked out. “I’ve thought a lot about love, the nature of love, the different forms of love. It’s plagued my nights and nearly every waking moment. I had to start singing so I didn’t go crazy because I just didn’t understand.”
Christina’s vision wavered, but she pressed on, hoping that her courage wouldn’t fail her. “The question I always come back to is this. Do you love me or was this something else?”
Her tears started again, but she ignored them. For once, she wasn’t ashamed of her emotions. She welcomed them. “I’ve questioned everything,” her voice cracked. “I used to be so sure you loved me, but now, I don’t know. I need to know this, for me. Was our relationship part of your revenge? Is that why you wanted me back? Was this your long term plan for revenge against me?”
Riley tilted his head to the side and stared at her with such pain that her heart lurched. “How can you say that?” He howled. “I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always will. You are the only woman I’ve ever loved and I know I’ll never love anyone, the way I love you.”
He paced up and down in front of her, rubbing his hand over his head. “There is no substitute for you! Do you understand? I went crazy when we divorced. Crazy. I cut our bed in half with Dad’s chainsaw. I burned everything that reminded me of you to try to stop the pain, but it didn’t work. I felt like I was bleeding and I never thought I’d ever be happy again.”
Sighing, Riley turned to her. “I couldn’t get it out of my head, Dina. It went around and around, and around… I fixated on it, going over every single thing I’d done wrong. My own mind became my enemy. Then, I imagined you moving on with your life when I couldn’t. It really messed me up and I just couldn’t let it go.”
Christina closed her eyes as pain seared across her chest. If she was honest, none of it surprised her. She should have predicted this, but because he didn’t go after her directly, she assumed their ‘you’re dead to me’ rule applied.
“I thought I was so smart, Dina,” he choked out, “but I was just… sick. I decided not to take the direct route for revenge against you because I didn’t want to lose your father and Johnny, so I went indirectly. I wrote music about you, us… and then I
went after Ted.”
He once told her that the days after their divorce were full of grief and rage. Riley always lashed out when he was hurt. She just didn’t realize how far he was prepared to go.
Standing in front of her, Riley pleaded for mercy. “I did all this before I got help and put my life in perspective, but I couldn’t take back what I’d done. It was done.”
Christina understood this. She could trace the trajectory from their breakdown. It was their personal timeline of twisted and ugly events.
“But the one thing – the one thing in all of this is I never thought I’d get you back,” Riley choked out. “I never thought I’d have to account for what I did. I thought this would be my own private shame to carry and then it all changed.”
Breathe. Christina closed her eyes, listening to the sound of the ocean. She realized that he hadn’t learned the difference between loving people and sometimes hating their actions.
“You came back,” he added. “You-came-back and I didn’t know how to tell you what I’d done. I have no one else to blame, but myself. I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I promise you this, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make amends.”
Riley smiled sadly. “You see, I’ve come to realize something in this whole sorry saga, Dina. I loved you like a child. I was obsessed with you, as if you were some prized toy. I didn’t put you first because I couldn’t see you outside myself. Well, I’m no longer a child. I’m a grown-up and I love you enough to do the right thing. I love you enough to let you go.”
As Riley laid everything bare, Christina’s heart ached for him. For all his faults, and he had many, she loved this man. It was easy to love someone when everything was perfect. The real test, however, was to still love them, when they least deserved it.
This was new territory for her and rather than over-analyzing everything, she asked herself one simple question. Was she going with her head or heart? “When you said we were over,” she started. “Is it because you don’t want to be with me, or is it because you think I don’t want to be with you? What if I told you I don’t want you to let me go? I don’t want to live in this world alone and without you. What if I told you I don’t want you to walk away? I want you to fight for me, us.”
Ties That Bind Page 46