“I’ve noticed.”
“Do you have coffee inside? I might be- I might be what some people would call a lost cause, but… I had a mother once. I remember she told me to be good. To do the right thing. I didn’t want to come here. I know I shouldn’t see you again. I should have let you leave, like you wanted to, but… there’s one thing I had to tell you first.”
I had a mother once. Those words cut straight to her soul. Shanna let out a shuddery breath. Her throat burned right along with the backs of her eyes. She felt the tears rise to the surface, but she blinked them away. Percy wasn’t the kind of man who wanted to be pitied. She’d seen that last night in his eyes, after he’d shown her his back.
“Yeah.” She swallowed past the lump lodged in her airway. “Please, come in. I can make coffee. Let me guess. You take it black?”
“Cream and sugar actually.” Impossibly, he smiled. She knew it was rare, that turning up of his lips, and they were all the more beautiful for it. “If you have it.”
“I do. Thanks to the lady who owns this place. She stocked the fridge for me before I came. It was really nice of her, since I thought I was going to have to fend for myself when it came to meals.”
“Little old ladies generally are quite nice.”
“How did you know she’s a little old lady? Did I say that?”
“No. But I know the place. I know most people around here. Or know of them.”
Of course. It reminded her of just how little she knew of Percy. She was in his world, not the other way around. This wasn’t her real life. They had no future. She wanted to believe that. She had to make herself believe it. She could never go home and keep her heart intact otherwise.
It shocked her, as she stepped through the doorway, Percy behind her, a shadow in her wake, that it was happening. She’d never truly loved anyone in her life. Not when it came to men. She thought she had. There had been a teenage romance, her first, but it was brief and of course in hindsight, immature. She’d had a few boyfriends in college, but had always been too busy to make them stick. She’d convinced herself that she loved Bill, but now, she knew different. She might have loved things about him, but she didn’t truly love him.
Oh, and I know because I what? Love Percy? The man from the alley? The man I don’t even know? The man with the wounded back and the dark past? The man who had a mother once? The man who takes cream and sugar in his coffee? It’s been like… four days. Two of those were spent alone. And I think I might love him? The idea was laughable. This was going to be one of those things that in hindsight, that was just something else she looked back on as silly. At least that thought. That word. Love. If she thought she loved Percy, than she didn’t know the meaning of the word any more than she did with Bill.
If only she could convince herself that was true.
Chapter 13
Coffee And The Truth
Percy
The little quaint guesthouse seemed to suit Shanna just fine, but he didn’t know what the hell he was doing there. He woke up, found her gone, the bed still warm beside him. He knew he couldn’t just let her go. It shocked him more than it shocked her, and she’d been pretty damn surprised to find him waiting for her on her doorstep.
He stayed out of Shanna’s way until she was done making coffee. He pulled out a chair at the small table and let her set a mug in front of him. It was so normal and domestic, he almost couldn’t handle it. Is this how normal people live their lives?
Shanna pulled out the chair across from him. She was as beautiful, even after a night of sleep, as she ever was. She was prettier without makeup, he decided. It let the real color of her rosy lips show through. Her skin was absolutely flawless and her lashes were long and thick without the addition of mascara.
She raised a brow and didn’t move to touch her coffee cup. “So… are you going to tell me why you’re here?” She leveled him with the most direct look he’d seen her give. “I mean, why you’re really here?”
He opened his mouth, but no words came out. He’d never actually told anyone the truth before. Slim Rick, the leader of the gang he’d been in, had him vetted once he wanted to join. He knew about his past, but only because he’d looked into it. Percy hadn’t told anyone a damn thing.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. His hand closed around his coffee mug. It was hot enough to burn, but he didn’t move his hand away.
“So you just woke up, realized that I left and showed up here for no reason at all?”
“No. Not no reason.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
Shanna sat back. “No. No, I don’t want you to leave.” Her voice softened. “Look. I’m sorry I left without saying a word. I thought it would be better- for both of us. I- I’m leaving in a few days. I don’t think you’re the kind of guy that likes to stay in touch.”
“So you just want to cut it off here and now and not see each other again?”
Shanna shrugged, but she couldn’t look at him. Her eyes stayed riveted to her coffee mug as though it was the most interesting thing in the world. Maybe she was searching for answers there. God knew it was as good as anywhere else to try and find them.
“Yeah. I think that’s for the best. Don’t you?”
“I don’t know.” He answered her automatically, without thinking about it. He was a little astounded. He didn’t even know why the hell he was there. It wasn’t like he could ask her not to leave. She had a life back home in the States. “I don’t know anything at all,” he admitted when she remained silent. I- I trust you.”
Shanna’s head whipped up. She sensed the implications of that statement. He wasn’t the kind of guy who trusted anyone. The words kind of just tumbled out, but he found that they were true.
“Why would you trust me? You don’t even know me? We’ve hardly even shared a conversation that wasn’t about sex.” Her face turned a brilliant pink. It was funny, that she still blushed after what they’d done the night before.
“I don’t know.”
“That’s a lot of I don’t knows.” She sighed. He held up his hand to try and stop the rising tide of her temper before it flared.
“Look, I know. I don’t have any answers. I’ve- well, I haven’t exactly lived a life where I sit down and talk about the shit that I feel and what’s going on.”
“What kind of life have you lived?”
Percy had heard the expression about unburdening a soul. He never believed in that shit. Words never fixed anything. In his experience, talking usually just made things a hell of a lot worse. Although, what could it really hurt? I’m never going to see her again after today. He wouldn’t have considered it in the past, but he just knew that he’d never really get another chance. Maybe it would make his soul a hell of a lot lighter. He could sure as hell use a few less burdens.
That was also a first- realizing that he actually wanted to let it go. He didn’t want the pain. He didn’t want the memories, the nightmare, the images that came back to haunt him. But he’d never made an effort to let it go. He never tried because he just didn’t know how.
“I think you know the answer to that,” he forced out. “You saw my back last night.”
Shanna did the unthinkable. She reached over and set her hand on his. He hand them in his lap, one on top the other. His eyes flew down to where her small palm rested, warm and alive, on top of his hand. Hers was pristine and flawless, his scarred and bronzed, leathered from so many years in the sun.
It was unreal that she dared to touch him. It was even more shocking that it didn’t kill him. Like all the times she’d touched him the night before, like the way she kissed him. Her touch didn’t break him. It didn’t shatter him into a thousand pieces, disgust him, bring back a deluge of horrible memories or sensations. It did the exact opposite. It created a feeling of warmth inside. It spread, saturating his limbs, soaking into the marrow of his bones.
“I can imagine, but I want to know, Percy. It’s okay
. It’s okay if you tell me.” Amazingly enough, he could see by the shine in her eyes, that Shanna really believed in what she was saying.
“Is it? Is it really? Would you be okay with hearing about how mothers die and leave their children alone, how fathers beat and abuse them, how kids live on the street because it’s safer than being in their home? How kids grow up and join gangs because they need a place to call home, even if it is fucked up. Is that what you want to hear about? Or do you want a rosier version of the story?” He used sarcasm and a biting acrid tone to protect him, but Shanna saw right through it.
“I’m not okay with any of that.” A tremor went through her hand and traveled right on through his. “But I want you to tell me, however much or little you want to say. It might break my heart, but I’m tougher than you think.”
“I don’t want your pity…”
“I don’t pity you, Percy. If anything, I admire you. I can’t imagine what kind of fear you’ve known and just how resilient you are.”
He snorted. “Resilient? I don’t know that that’s the right word. Maybe I should have told you all those before you let me fuck you. That way you could decide if I was worthy of it or not.”
“Worthy?” Shanna frowned. He wanted to reach out and ease those lines on her brow. Or kiss them away.
“You might think I’m… dirty. Ruined. And you let that inside of you.”
“Stop it!” Her hand tightened on his. Her fingers dug in. “Don’t say those kinds of things. I would never think that. Never. This isn’t about me. This is about you. It’s about what you need. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, then I’m here. If not, it’s okay. I just want to know that you’re going to be alright after- after I leave.”
She swallowed audibly and it was obvious from the liquid forming up in her gray blue eyes that she really did care. Her worry was authentic. It floored him. He’d never dreamed anyone would look on him as less than… a thing, especially if they knew. In the past, people recoiled from him. He just had that look, a soul that was obviously black, a menacing countenance, and people didn’t fuck with that. They walked to the other side of street to avoid passing directly by him. And there Shanna was, sitting right across from him, her eyes tearing up- for him. He could barely dared to believe it.
“I’m sorry.” It came out rusty, as though his voice had gone for too long without being used. “I- I don’t want to tell you any of it. I don’t want to infect you with it.”
“Like I said, I’m tougher than you think.”
He waited, giving her a minute to tell him she’d reconsidered, but she didn’t. Her hand left his and strayed to her mug and she took a sip of coffee. He still didn’t touch his. She kept both hands on the tabletop after. He almost missed her touch, him a man who was so afraid of others getting near him that he’d taken great pains to always keep his distance. Even when he got close to someone, he was never close.
Percy leaned back in his chair. He ran a hand over his short hair and for the first time in two years, thought about growing it out long again. It was thin before, too thin, but he was healthier now than he’d ever been.
“I don’t know where to start. I’m not going to give you the details. You don’t need them. I don’t need to talk about that shit to make it better with me. I just need to… to tell someone. Finally.”
“Okay,” Shanna said softly. She waited silently, giving him the time he needed to get his scrambled thoughts together and his frayed emotions under control.
“I… fuck.” He blew out a breath. Turns out talking is harder than just speaking words. “My mom got cancer when I was nine. She died a year later. It was aggressive. She tried to fight, but it took her fast. The marks on my back that you saw came compliments of my father. He didn’t know how to deal with his grief. He was normal before she died, but after… god, he just lost it. Got into drinking, drugs too. He’d go out of his fucking mind. Beat the shit out of me. I’d do anything to avoid being at home, but I had to go at some point. I don’t know if people knew what was happening or not. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was ashamed that I couldn’t protect myself and be strong.”
“You were ten years old!”
“Yeah. Yeah, I was ten, but I promised my mom before she died that I’d stay strong for her.”
“I doubt that’s what she meant!” Shanna’s hand twitched on the tabletop and he braced for her to touch him again, but she didn’t. He was glad. He needed a clear head to keep going, to take the blackness that festered inside of him and put it out there in an attempt at healing.
“Yeah, well- it got bad. Real bad. He didn’t just beat me… he’d do- other things.” He pressed his lips together hard, unable to put that out there, that malignancy, that evil, but he could tell that Shanna knew. Her eyes filled up with tears. They tracked down her cheeks and dripped off her chin. She didn’t wipe them away. Even though he wanted to, he didn’t.
“And so you left.”
“Yeah, one night I just decided enough was enough. I was fourteen. I packed a few clothes, stole some food from the kitchen, stole what money I could find around the house. I took a few knives out of the knife block in the kitchen.”
“Jesus, Percy-”
“Don’t worry. The streets were kinder than my house was. I guess I had a knack by then, for staying alive. I bounced around here and there. I got real good at stealing shit. Some I’d sell for some cash. That’s how I fed myself.”
“Where did you sleep?”
“Everywhere. Here and there. Under bridges, abandoned houses, cemeteries.”
“Cemeteries?”
“It’s quiet there. Most people won’t go there. They won’t bother you. It’s safer than pretty much anywhere else I’ve found. I had a tent and sometimes I’d stay in the park, with the other homeless people. That was the worst though. For the most part people didn’t bother me, but there was always one or two, looking for a fight or so doped up they didn’t know what they were doing. Anyway, it was Detroit. There was never a shortage of abandoned property when I needed it.”
“Are you serious?”
He actually cracked a smile to lighten the mood, only because he didn’t want Shanna to suffocate or drown in his suffering. “It’s not that bad. Parts of the city are actually quite beautiful.”
She picked up her mug and sipped at her coffee. “So you got older and got tired of living on the streets?”
“Yes and no. I wasn’t tired of it exactly. I came across this guy. We tried to jack the same bike, if you can believe that. He was impressed. I’d never stolen anything as large as a vehicle before, but got brave and decided having a set of wheels wouldn’t be so bad. I was going to strip it down, sell the parts, and buy something shittier with the cash, so it would be legit. He said he had some buys that did it for a living. Stole bikes, cars, stripped them down, resold them. It was a good living. They were all good at it. They could teach me how to do it.”
“And so the gang you joined… it was just stealing cars and bikes?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Don’t worry. We never gave anyone cement shoes or made bodies disappear in the night. It was just me and some other misfit guys who loved bikes for the most part. We loved to build them, work on them, strip them down, but most of all, we loved to ride. It was actually nice, being a part of it. I had a steady place to live. Food on a regular basis. I guess you could even call some of those guys my friends. It was actually pretty decent until the guy who was in charge, that Rick guy, started wanting to get involved with dealing blow.”
“But that wasn’t what you thought it was going to be when you got into it?”
“No. I was not in for that and most of the guys didn’t want to touch it. I didn’t move product. I flat out refused and since I was good at jacking bikes and cars and shit, everyone was okay with that. I kept doing what I was doing, but then Slim Rick got on his own product and things just fell apart. One of the guys left. He was one of our mechanics. He was the first to get out. Slim Rick sent me a
nd another guy to find him before he came down there himself. We warned him instead. Long story short, there was a big showdown. Slim Rick tried to kill the guy after swearing he’d let him go. It was really dishonorable. It went against our vow of brotherhood. The gang disbanded after that. Jack and I, the guy I came down with and the other guys who arrived with Rick, we took him back to Detroit. We just left him there at the clubhouse. We got our shit and took off, each and every one of us. Some of them stuck together in pairs or groups of three, but for the most part, we just left. I heard, a few months later, that Rick died of an overdose. None of us were surprised.”
“That’s… I don’t know what it is.”
He nodded. “Yeah, well, I got out. I said if that ever happened then I’d come down south, down to Mexico, maybe further. I settled here for now, but I still plan on moving on. One day soon.”
Shanna swallowed hard. Her gaze locked with his and he was moved by the depth of emotion he saw there. It wasn’t pity. She’d kept her promise.
“What are you trying to find? Leaving? Peace? Or is it something else?”
“Peace,” he said. He let out a sigh that was tinged with bitterness. “I don’t know what that is. Peace isn’t for guys like me. No matter how much talking I do, I’ll always have those memories. I’ll always have that past.”
“Do you feel better? At all?”
He shook his head slowly. “I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell.”
“And the nightmares? How often do they come?”
“Almost every single night,” he said too quickly. “To some degree or other.”
“But not last night?” she asked carefully. “Not last night when I was with you?”
“No,” he admitted, a little shocked. He’d woke feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time, but the first thought he had was of Shanna and finding her. “Not last night.”
“And- and you don’t normally connect with anyone? You like being the one in control. I can tell. You don’t let people touch you. You don’t let people in at all.”
Percy: A Motorcycle Club Romance (Lonely Rider MC Book 1) Page 8