Also by
L. Ron Hubbard
Buckskin Brigades
The Conquest of Space
The Dangerous Dimension
Death’s Deputy
The End is Not Yet
Fear
Final Blackout
The Kilkenny Cats
The Mission Earth Dekalogy*
Volume 1: The Invaders Plan
Volume 2: Black Genesis
Volume 3: The Enemy Within
Volume 4: An Alien Affair
Volume 5: Fortune of Fear
Volume 6: Death Quest
Volume 7: Voyage of Vengeance
Volume 8: Disaster
Volume 9: Villainy Victorious
Volume 10: The Doomed Planet
Ole Doc Methuselah
Slaves of Sleep & The Masters of Sleep
To the Stars
Triton
Typewriter in the Sky
The Ultimate Adventure
* Dekalogy—a group of ten volumes
Galaxy Press
7051 Hollywood Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90028
MISSION EARTH: VILLAINY VICTORIOUS
Copyright © 1987, 1990, 2011 by L. Ron Hubbard. All Rights Reserved.
Any unauthorized copying, translation, duplication, importation or distribution, in whole or in part, by any means, including electronic copying, storage or transmission, is a violation of applicable laws.
Mission Earth is a trademark owned by L. Ron Hubbard Library and
is used with permission. Battlefield Earth is a trademark owned
by Author Services, Inc. and is used with permission.
Original cover painting by Gerry Grace.
ISBN 978-1-59212-595-1
This is a work of science fiction, written as satire. The essence of satire is to examine, comment and give opinion of society and culture, none of which is to be construed as a statement of pure fact. No actual incidents are portrayed and none of the incidents are to be construed as real. Some of the actions of this novel take place on the planet Earth, but the characters as presented in this novel have been invented. Any accidental use of the names of living people in a novel is virtually inevitable, and any such inadvertency in this book is unintentional.
See Author's Introduction, Mission Earth: Volume One, The Invaders Plan.
To YOU,
the millions of science fiction fans
and general public
who welcomed me back to the world of fiction
so warmly,
and to the critics and media
who so pleasantly
applauded the novel Battlefield Earth.
It's great working for you!
Contents
Map: Voltar Government Cities
Map: Central Manhattan and Central Turkey
Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer
Voltarian Translator's Preface
Key to Villainy Victorious
Part 71
Part 72
Part 73
Part 74
Part 75
Part 76
Part 77
Part 78
Part 79
Part 80
Part 81
About the Author
Voltarian Censor’s
Disclaimer
This bizarre, fallacious tale has not been made any more palatable by the introduction of a different narrator.
Nor has the narrative gained any credibility by its claims that events in our one-hundred-and-ten-planet Confederacy were caused by a stupid, nonexistent race of people from a planet that sounds more like a lunatic asylum than anything else.
The position of the Crown is firmer than ever.
The planet Earth does not exist!
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace, Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Voltarian Translator’s
Preface
Hi there!
This is your translator, 54 Charlee Nine. How are you?
Lord Invay may not take kindly to having a new narrator but it’s sure easier for me. Monte Pennwell speaks only Voltarian. I’m programmed for any language, but there does seem to be a scarcity of information on the languages they speak on this nonexistent Earth.
I have updated your Key to this book and it follows.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the translatophone
Key to
VILLAINY VICTORIOUS
Afyon: City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.
Agnes, Miss: Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information: The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals. Their symbol is an inverted paddle which, because it looks like a bottle, earned its members the name “drunks.”
Balmor: Butler to Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on Earth.
Bang-Bang: An ex-Marine demolitions expert and member of the Babe Corleone mob.
Barben, IG: Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.
Bawtch: Soltan Gris’ chief clerk on Voltar.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd: Voltarian cellologist that Soltan Gris brought to Earth to operate a hospital in Afyon. (See Cellology.)
Blito-P3: Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow dwarf star known as Blito.
Blixo: Apparatus freighter, piloted by Captain Bolz, that makes regular runs between Earth and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.
Bluebottles: Nickname given to the Domestic Police of Voltar.
Blueflash: A bright blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.
Bolz: See Blixo.
Bury: Delbert John Rockecenter’s most powerful attorney. His favorite pastime is feeding white mice to snakes.
Caucalsia, Prince: According to a folk legend, he fled Manco during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on Blito-P3 that became known as Atlantis.
Cellology: Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Code Break: Violation of the Space Code that prohibits disclosing that one is an alien. Penalty is death to the offender(s) and any native(s) so alerted.
Coordinated Information Apparatus: See Apparatus.
Corleone: A Mafia family headed by Babe, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of “Holy Joe.”
Crobe, Doctor: Apparatus cellologist who worked in Spiteos. He delights in making human freaks.
Drunks: See Apparatus.
Endow, Lord: Head of the Exterior Division.
Epstein, Izzy: Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller to set up and run several corporations.
Exterior Division: That part of the Voltarian government that reportedly contained the Apparatus.
Faht Bey: Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.
Faustino “The Noose” Narcotici: Head of a Mafia family that is the underworld outlet for drugs from IG Barben.
FFBO: Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising public relations firm on Earth. J. Walter Madison works for them.
Fleet: The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.
GC: See Grand Council.
Gracious Palms
: The elegant whorehouse where Jettero Heller resided when first in New York City. It is across from the United Nations and is operated by the Corleone family.
Grafferty, “Bulldog”: A crooked New York City police inspector.
Grand Council: The governing body of Voltar, which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.
Gris, Soltan: Apparatus officer placed in charge of Blito-P3 (Earth) section and an enemy of Jettero Heller.
Heller, Hightee: The most beautiful and popular entertainer in the Voltar Confederacy. She is also Jettero Heller’s sister.
Heller, Jettero: Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent with Gris on Mission Earth where he is operating under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.
Hisst, Lombar: Head of the Apparatus; his plan to overthrow the Voltar Confederacy required sending Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller’s mission.
“Holy Joe”: See Corleone.
Hot Jolt: A popular Voltarian drink.
Invasion Timetable: A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of Voltar’s government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar’s ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Joy, Miss: See Countess Krak.
Krak, Countess: Condemned murderess, former prisoner of Spiteos, a nonperson and the sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On Earth, she is known as Heavenly Joy Krackle or Miss Joy.
Madison, J. Walter: Fired from FFBO when his style of public relations caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. He is also known as “J. Warbler Madman.”
Manco: Home planet of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.
Maysabongo: Jettero Heller was made a representative of this small African nation. Izzy Epstein made some of Heller’s businesses Maysabongo corporations.
Mister Calico: A calico cat that was trained by the Countess Krak.
Mortiiy, Prince: Leader of a rebel group on the planet Calabar.
Mudur Zengin: Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan Gris’ funds.
Odur: See Oh Dear.
Oh Dear: Nickname for Odur. With Too-Too, forced by Soltan Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it to him on Earth.
Peace, Miss: Secretary to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Pokantickle: The New York estate of Delbert John Rockecenter.
Rockecenter, Delbert John: Native of Earth who controls the planet’s fuel, finance, governments and drugs.
Simmons, Miss: An antinuclear fanatic.
Snelz: Platoon commander at Spiteos who befriended Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak when they were prisoners there.
Spiteos: On Voltar, the secret fortress prison of the Apparatus.
Swindle and Crouch: Law firm representing Delbert John Rockecenter.
Tayl, Widow: Nymphomaniac on Voltar.
Teenie: Earth teenager who seduces Soltan Gris. He shipped her to Voltar to get rid of her.
Too-Too: Nickname for Twolah. He and Oh Dear were forced by Soltan Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it secretly back to him on Earth.
Twoey: Nickname given to Delbert John Rockecenter II.
Twolah: See Too-Too.
Utanc: A belly dancer that Gris bought to be his concubine and slave.
Voltar: Home planet and seat of the one-hundred-and-ten-planet Confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.
Wister, Jerome Terrance: Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.
PART SEVENTY-ONE
TO: BIOGRAPHICS PUBLISHING COMPANY
COMMERCIAL CITY
PLANET VOLTAR
GENTLEMEN!
I am thoroughly delighted with the agreements that we have reached. I can assure you that our names will be mutually and eternally emblazoned in history.
I could not believe that my government would ever lie to me. I had no idea that anyone would seek a “coverup.” That was why I was so shocked to discover that they have deleted, changed and destroyed records so that no one would learn the existence of this single planet called Earth.
Why would they want to deny the existence of a minor planet that is a mere 22 ½ light-years away?
Ah, that’s the story that I am so arduously and so faithfully writing!
So that you may better appreciate my achievement, I am sending what I have completed thus far and will continue to write. I mailed the first part to you earlier. Let me try to bring you up to date. This is no small task because the imagination is staggered by the sheer magnitude of the events. However, I shall seek to achieve this.
As I have discovered, Earth is controlled by the man who owns the planet’s fuel—Delbert John Rockecenter. His power is such that he can determine the political future of a country simply by making a telephone call to one of his minions.
Voltarian Fleet officer Jettero Heller’s mission was to depollute the planet and to create an inexpensive, safe source of energy so that Earth could survive long enough to be invaded.
When Heller arrived on Earth, he had the identity of Delbert John Rockecenter, Jr., which was given to him by the head of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Lombar Hisst. This was done because Hisst wanted the Fleet officer’s mission to fail, and he thought this would bring the force of the Rockecenters down on Heller. The reason Hisst wanted the mission to fail was that he was using Earth to produce mind-altering drugs that were being smuggled back to Voltar as part of a conspiracy to overthrow the Empire.
What no one knew was that there was a real inheritor to the Rockecenter fortune—Delbert John Rockecenter II.
The first person who tried to stop Heller was Rockecenter’s attorney Bury, who gave Heller the identity of Jerome Terrance Wister. It didn’t stop him, however. Heller became a consul for the African nation of Maysabongo and began to form corporations that created and patented new energy sources—a revolutionary microwave power source, a new carburetor that didn’t use gasoline and cars that worked without Rockecenter-controlled fuel. When petroleum stocks dropped out the bottom, Heller used his Maysabongo resources to buy them all up and to take control of Earth’s oil industries.
But Rockecenter was no fool, and he had forces that Heller could not muster—the American presidency, for example, and the armed forces of the United States.
One Sunday afternoon Rockecenter was preparing to go to Philadelphia for a Swillerberger Conference that he controlled. The president of the United States was to be called before the conference that night and ordered to go before the Senate the next day to request that war be declared on Maysabongo.
Bang-Bang drove Heller and his financial advisor Izzy Epstein to the great Rockecenter estate, and Heller and Izzy walked in while Rockecenter was chastising Bury for the current predicament.
Heller made Rockecenter an offer: Call off the war, grant “Twoey” (Rockecenter’s actual son) a ten-billion-dollar trust, draw up a new will leaving Twoey the entire estate, and Heller would give Rockecenter the patents and a portion of the oil empire that Heller now controlled.
With the smile of a snake, Rockecenter agreed and the documents were signed—then the snake struck!
When the brief scuffle was over, Rockecenter’s attorney Bury lay unconscious on the floor and a weaponless Heller was surrounded by Army troops.
Rockecenter scooped up the papers that now gave him complete control and put them into a huge steel suitcase. He turned to a major general whose squad had its weapons turned on Heller and Izzy.
“General,” said Rockecenter, “hold this riffraff until I return. Then, as we will be at war, we’ll have work for a firing squad.”
What? Has Heller lost everything?
Fear not! I, Monte Pennwell, Voltar’s first, only and greatest investigative rep
orter, have the story!
Mission Earth Volume 9: Villainy Victorious Page 1