Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  Wearing the same clothing wasn’t a result of the surgery, Dez knew, but he had a feeling something deeper was going on than that. He glanced around the room, noting the new baskets and plastic tubs. “So you’re making her life easier, but who is helping you?” When Perla glared at him, he held up his hands. “All I’m offering is to hang out here with Sherri for the evening, so you and your husband can spend time together.”

  “Sí, that would be nice.” She glanced at the containers scattered over the bed and floor. “But it will take me hours to put this away.”

  “Leave it to Sherri and me.”

  “But—”

  “Trust me.”

  He gave her a stern look that he hoped wouldn’t brook any more excuses from Perla, and it must have worked because she gave a quick nod. “All right.”

  He put his arm around her shoulder and steered her from the bedroom to the living room, where Sherri and her dad were watching golf. He overlooked this other change in his friend and pulled out his wallet. He put a few twenties in Perla’s hand. “For dinner.”

  Sherri frowned at him. “What are you doing?”

  “Giving your mom and dad the night off.” When Perla tried to give the money back, he shook his head. “Nope, dinner is on me tonight. Consider it repayment for all the meals you cooked for me.”

  Horatio rose from the sofa and placed a kiss on the top of Sherri’s head. “We’ll be back by ten, mija.”

  Dez argued. “Midnight. You two go out and have some fun. I insist.”

  Perla bit her lip and looked at Sherri, who seemed to have deflated. She turned her gaze back to Dez. “Maybe tonight isn’t a good night.”

  “It’s perfect. If Sherri thinks that she can be on her own, then she needs to let you go out for a while.” He put his arm around her again and urged her toward the front door. “We’ll be just fine. You don’t have to worry.”

  Horatio jingled his car keys as he waited for Perla to grab her purse and kiss Sherri. Finally, they were gone. Sherri scowled at him. “What was all that about?”

  Dez checked the peephole to make sure Perla and Horatio had left. He faced Sherri and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t want them to hear the chewing out I’m going to give you.”

  Sherri frowned. “Chew me out?”

  “You deserve one.” A big one if he could manage it.

  “I’m recovering from surgery.”

  “You’re sliding into a dark place, Sherri, and I for one won’t let it happen.” He crossed the space that separated them and took a seat next to her on the sofa. “I get it. All of this is bad, but get off your butt and do something about it.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Did she think he was blind? He could see the toll this disease was taking on her. Her body may be healing, but her mind needed an infusion of hope and faith. And he’d be the man to do it. That is, he would if she would let him. “When’s the last time you did your PT exercises?”

  “Mama tattled.” Sherri’s scowl deepened. “I can’t. It hurts.”

  “So did getting shot, but you bounced back from that faster than anyone expected.”

  “Because I was dealing with finding out I have cancer.”

  “Had cancer.” Did she not see that she was more than her body? That she could conquer the invader that had entered her life and threatened it? “And that’s not an excuse.”

  She turned her back to him and focused on the television. “But it’s true.”

  He reached over and snatched the remote from the coffee table. No more television. “Are you going to be that person, really? The one who gives up before even trying?”

  Sherri squirmed away from him and looked him square in the eye. “I am trying! But you don’t know what it’s like to wake up feeling like there’s two rocks sitting on your chest. To not be able to use your arms. To have to depend on everyone else.”

  “We have to fight with you to take a shower. To change your clothes.”

  At this, she pulled the sleeves of the hoodie past her fingers. “I like this hoodie. It brings me comfort.”

  “Okay, but maybe switch it up with some of the other clothes hanging in your closet.” He stood and held out his hand. “In fact, let’s go look at them.” She burrowed farther into the sofa. He sighed and closed his eyes. “I promised your mother we’d put away all the stuff she took out of your closet. Don’t make me a liar.”

  Sherri hesitated, but struggled to stand without his help. Finally on her feet, she pushed past him and down the hallway. He followed behind her. “And that’s another thing. Your mom is trying to make your life easier, and you’re sitting back doing nothing?”

  “I help.”

  “How are you helping by sitting on the sofa watching golf?”

  She didn’t answer this, but entered her bedroom. “She didn’t have to do all this. I only made the comment that I wasn’t going to be able to reach the things on the top shelf.”

  Dez put his hands on his hips and stared at her. “She’s working so hard to put you back together, so why are you resisting? Why the pity party?”

  Sherri paused, her gaze on the floor littered with belts and scarves. She slowly crouched and picked up a black shoe. Her voice, when it came, sounded small. “Is that what I’m doing?”

  “What do you think?”

  She let a tear slip down her cheek, but didn’t reach up to wipe it away. She didn’t even look at him, but focused on the closet. She slowly sat on the edge of her bed. “You’re right.”

  He hated being the tough guy on her, but being soft hadn’t worked so far. She needed to be shaken up. A warrior could pause and reflect, but she didn’t give up so easily. Didn’t let the circumstances stop her journey. He stood in front of her, held out his hand. “So do something about it.”

  Sherri put her hand in his, then rose to her feet and kicked at one of the empty plastic tubs. “Would you help me with this?”

  “In a heartbeat.”

  Together they sorted things into containers and then placed the containers where it made sense to Sherri. Once they’d tidied the bedroom, they returned to the living room, where he assisted her with her PT exercises. He held his hands out in front of him so she could raise her arms and touch her fingers to his. She walked her fingers up the wall by the front door until she could get her reach to a new height, farther than when she’d started. She even took a shower and changed into a yellow button-down top and clean leggings before their pizza arrived.

  Settled on the sofa with slices of pizza, they watched an action movie on television. Horatio and Perla returned shortly before midnight with smiles on their faces and in their eyes. “Have a good time?” Sherri asked them.

  Perla stared at her. “You changed your clothes.”

  She gave them both a smile. “And showered on my own.”

  “Oh, mija. How do you feel?” her mom asked.

  Sherri looked at Dez then to her mom. “Better. Thanks to Dez.”

  “I just nudged you,” he said.

  “More like shoved.” She got up and crossed the room to stand in front of her parents. “I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually do something about this. I promise.”

  Horatio wrapped his arms around her and pulled Perla into the embrace. “My girl is coming back,” he said.

  CHAPTER SIX

  SHERRI GRABBED THE bright orange hoodie from her closet, then put it back on the rack and chose a lime-green top that zipped up the front and a pair of her favorite jeans. She dressed quickly and walked down the hallway to find her mom scrambling eggs and singing along to the radio. She wished she could do the same, but the doubts that crowded her mind kept her from joining in. She took a seat at the counter and sipped from a glass of orange juice that was already wa
iting for her.

  Mama turned and smiled at her. “Ready for the doctor?”

  Sherri nodded and put her juice glass back on the counter. “I can’t shake this bad feeling about what he’s going to tell us today.”

  “Let’s not worry before we get there.”

  “I’m letting you know now that I’m going to fight this with everything I’ve got. I don’t care what he says because I’m going to push for aggressive treatment.”

  Mama paused in stirring the eggs and looked sharply at Sherri. “You’re thinking of your tia Connie.”

  Her aunt by marriage had died from breast cancer almost twenty years before. There hadn’t been a day that had passed since the surgeon had told Sherri about the diagnosis that she hadn’t thought about Tia Connie. “She fought and she still died.”

  “You were thirteen at the time. What do you know about what she did?” Mama switched her attention back to the skillet of eggs. “Have you spoken to Mateo?”

  “You know he doesn’t talk about his mom.”

  Mama served the eggs and placed Sherri’s plate in front of her before adding salt and pepper to her own breakfast. She finally looked up at Sherri. “Times were different then. So much has changed since Connie was treated. There’s a better chance of survival.”

  “Especially if I push for the most I can get. Chemo. Radiation. Whatever it is.”

  “Why don’t you wait until you hear what the doctor has to say before you say such things?”

  “Fine.” Sherri picked up her fork and scooped up some eggs. Her body had betrayed her by allowing the cancer in without telling her. She’d use every weapon she could find because she wouldn’t be fooled again.

  She took a bite of eggs despite the nauseated feeling in her tummy, then put her fork down. “It’s time, Mama.”

  Her mom glanced at her watch. “We have at least another hour before we have to leave.”

  “I meant, it’s time for you to go back home.”

  Mama shook her head. “Oh, I don’t think you’re ready to be alone yet.”

  “Yes, I am.” Sherri reached out and touched her mom’s hand. “You have been so good to me. So strong for me. But I need to stand on my own, and I’m ready.”

  Mama squeezed her hand. “What if I’m not ready?” She swallowed, and Sherri could see tears glistening in her eyes. “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “You’ll only be two miles away.”

  “You know what I mean. What if something happens, and I can’t get to you in time?” Mama touched her cheek. “I can’t do much to fight cancer for you, but I can be here to cook and clean for you.”

  She was making this harder on Sherri, but she needed to stand her ground. She needed to become more independent and take care of herself. Now. “I’ll still need you, Mama, but I have to do this. Please.”

  Mama dropped her hand. She peered into her eyes, and Sherri steeled herself from giving in to her fears and asking her mother to stay. Finally, Mama agreed. “Okay, mija. I’ll call your padre to come and pick me up after the doctor’s appointment.”

  “Thank you.”

  * * *

  THE NURSE TOOK her vitals before handing her the familiar light blue paper vest. “Strip from the waist up. Opening in the front.”

  Sherri changed, then took a seat on the examination table. Mama held the notebook and tapped the pen on the page while they waited for the surgeon. She gave a sigh and started drawing circles. “Lulu’s wedding invitation arrived yesterday, your dad says. It’s next month. Are you going?”

  Sherri considered it. Another cousin’s wedding where she’d show up without a date. Her well-meaning aunts would offer to set her up with every eligible bachelor they knew—their neighbors, coworkers’ sons, acquaintances. And for an added bonus, she’d now have to face the looks of pity because of the cancer. “I don’t know how I’ll be feeling.”

  “You should go. Take Dez.”

  He had accompanied her before to these family weddings, but just like she needed to send Mama home so she could stand on her own two feet, she needed to keep her distance from him. To set some boundaries before things got fuzzier and more confusing than they already were. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

  The exam room door opened, and Dr. VanGilder entered. He shook first Mama’s hand and then hers. “Let’s take a look at your incisions. Have the Steri-Strips fallen off?”

  Sherri opened the paper vest, amazed that she had become so used to showing her body freely. She looked down at her new chest. “For the most part.”

  The doctor removed the few strips that remained and nodded. “Believe it or not, you’re looking good. It’s been two weeks since surgery?”

  Sherri said it was and glanced at Mama. “You said you’d have the biopsy results today.”

  Dr. VanGilder quit checking Sherri’s drains and looked into her face. “I did say that.” He grabbed her file and opened it. “We found more tumors than showed in your MRI and mammogram. Deep in the tissue. We also tested your lymph nodes and found cancer there, as well. I had to remove twelve of them.”

  Sherri took a deep breath and nodded. She’d expected news like this. “So it had spread.”

  “Yes, more than I’d anticipated.” He handed her an appointment card. “I was able to get you in to see one of the best oncologists in this hospital, but you are free to go to one of your own choosing.”

  Sherri didn’t know any oncologists. Maybe she should have checked with April and Page for recommendations before coming here. She looked down at the card. “Dr. Frazier. This afternoon?”

  “Because the cancer spread, we want to be aggressive. Chemo first. Radiation after.” He handed her another appointment card. “This is a colleague and good friend when you’re ready for the radiation. I’d recommend seeing her before chemo to get an idea of your options.”

  So many doctors. Was this what her life had become? One consultation after another? She put the cards in her pocket. “And I still see you?”

  “I’ll keep an eye on your incisions for now. Once your treatment ends, we’ll start injecting your implants until they are the size you want. So you’re not done with me yet.” He gave her a wink.

  Great.

  * * *

  DEZ SHOVED HIS notebook into his desk drawer and slammed it shut. He muttered a nasty word and ran a hand over his clean-shaven head. Trying to find the mole was driving him crazy. He needed more leads than what he had, but he didn’t have a clue what they should be. The answer was right in front of him, but he couldn’t figure it out.

  He needed Sherri.

  She would have read over his notes and pointed out an avenue for them to pursue. She would have seen answers, rather than more questions.

  He stood and flexed his shoulders. All this sitting behind a desk was putting a strain on his neck and back. Ras glanced up at him from Sherri’s desk. “Want a break?”

  “I want answers.” He picked up his suit coat and shrugged it on, then pulled his gun from the drawer and holstered it at his side. “I’m making another run at that DEA agent, Reilly. I’m betting he knows more than he’s saying. You coming with me?”

  “And leave this party? Absolutely.” He grabbed his coat and gun, following Dez to the parking structure.

  Dez reached his car and pressed the button to unlock the doors. Ras got in on the passenger side. “Wouldn’t it be easier to call Reilly on the phone?”

  Dez shook his head. “I need to see his eyes when I ask my questions.”

  He started the car and drove to the DEA office. Luckily, he found a vacant parking spot curbside. He then jumped out and strode to the front door. He flashed his badge at the security guard and headed toward the elevator. Ras had to run to keep up with him, but he made it to the elevator before it arrived. “How do you know he’s here?” Ras a
sked.

  “Because he’s just like me. He’s always working.” The elevator opened and he and Ras got in. On the floor where the agency was housed, they strode down the hallway to the double glass doors. Dez entered the outer office and nodded at the receptionist. “Agent Reilly in?”

  “He told me he doesn’t wish to be disturbed,” she answered without looking up from her computer monitor.

  “He’ll see us.” Dez and Ras flashed their badges. “He owes me an explanation,” Dez said.

  She glanced up at them, then turned back to her screen without a flicker of interest. “I told you. He’s busy.”

  “Why don’t you buzz him and tell him we’re here?” Ras pointed to the phone on her desk.

  She rolled her eyes, but picked up the receiver and pressed a few buttons. “Some suits are here to see you.”

  Dez added, “Tell him it’s Desmond Jackson and Miles Rasczynski from Border Patrol.”

  She turned away from him and Ras and whispered into the phone, “I told him that, sir, but he insisted.” She made a few noncommittal noises before hanging up the phone. She looked at them and smiled. “He’s busy. He’ll call you later at a more convenient time.”

  “Convenient for whom? I’ve left messages. Sent emails. And I need to speak with Agent Reilly.” Dez perched on the edge of her desk. “I’ll just wait here until he’s free.”

  “You’ll be waiting a long time,” she replied.

  Ras shrugged. “We could come back after lunch.”

  “Not hungry.” Dez took his cell phone out and started scrolling through new emails. “I’ve got all day to wait.”

  After about fifteen minutes, an office door opened, and Reilly popped his head out to glare at Dez. “You’ve got five minutes.”

  Dez grinned at Ras and approached the office. “I thought you might try to fit me in.”

  Ras took a seat in front of the desk, but Dez stood, Reilly watching him. “I’ve already told you everything I know,” Reilly said.

  That he didn’t believe. Any questions he had regarding the raid had been stonewalled. There was no way the DEA had shared everything. If they had, then he and Ras would be a lot further ahead than they were. Maybe the case could have been closed by now. “Convince me.”