by Syndi Powell
“Don’t argue, mija. You need me after all that you went through today.” Mama chose a seat on the recliner. “I came close to losing you today. If I hadn’t heard you choking...” She hung her head, and tears fell from her eyes.
Sherri reached out a hand to her mother. “But I’m okay, Mama. Tired maybe, but I made it through.”
Her mom raised her head, her face wet, and she reached for a tissue and wiped her eyes. “I realized today that you could be taken from me at any second. That you’re so fragile. And I can’t bear it. I can’t lose you.”
Sherri squeezed her mother’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere for now, okay? I’m right here.”
Mama clung to her and cried. When she’d started feeling the allergic reaction, her first thought hadn’t been that she could die. She’d been thinking that she hadn’t read about this in any of the literature and wondered if it was normal. Now she knew how close she’d come to a terrible outcome. And she wasn’t sure how she felt about it.
Relief for surviving, of course. She also reflected on regrets for things she’d never done. Now she could understand April’s bucket list. There was stuff Sherri wanted to do once she had finished treatment and was on the road to health. Experiences she wanted to enjoy. Sentiments she wanted to say.
Dez popped into her mind. Such a good man to drop everything and come to her side. She knew that he’d been knee-deep in the investigation when he’d returned. She could see the blood on his shirt, though he’d tried to hide it from her by keeping his suit jacket on. Something had definitely happened while he’d been gone, but he’d stayed by her side until the doctor cleared her to go home.
Someone who was just a friend didn’t do such things. But her feelings for him went deeper, yet were unexplored in order to maintain their friendship. Maybe she would put Dez on her bucket list? Once she was healthy again.
Mama took a deep breath, then let go of Sherri’s hand to grab another tissue. “I didn’t want you to see me cry. We promised.”
“I shouldn’t have made that promise with you. Those are real feelings, Mama. You’re allowed to express them.”
She blew her nose. “But I’m trying to be strong for you.”
“You can be strong even when you’re crying. You don’t have to hide anything from me.”
Mama nodded and wiped her eyes and nose. “I won’t.” She then stood and took another deep breath. “How does ice cream sound for dinner? I noticed when I was here before that you have a couple containers.”
Sherri winced. “Well, I did before I ate them all.”
Mama laughed and touched her cheek. “At least that part of you hasn’t changed.”
* * *
DEZ CALLED HIS team in from the field to huddle up before the start of the game. He told them who was playing what position, then put his hand in the center of the circle of teammates. They put their hands on his and shouted, “For Sherri,” after counting to three.
Dez clapped his hands. “That’s right. Let’s show those firefighters who’s the boss of this ball field.” He took his spot in the dugout and made some notes on the scorecard when a shadow fell over him. He looked up into Sherri’s eyes. “I didn’t think you were coming tonight.”
She shrugged and sat on the bench beside him. “I couldn’t stay away.” She pulled the sleeves of the orange hoodie down over her fingers. “Besides, I promised I’d make as many games as I could as long as I felt okay.”
He noted her pallor. He bet if he took her hand in his that it would be clammy. She really shouldn’t be out here after that horrible reaction yesterday. Kevin threw the first pitch. The umpire called it a strike. Sherri cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, “That’s the way, Kev. Strike him out.”
He and Sherri sat silently for the first half of the inning, Dez keeping score on his clipboard while Sherri yelled encouragement to the team. When Sara caught the third out, the team ran into the dugout. Sherri fielded questions while Dez called out the batting order. “Focus, people. They aren’t going to make this easy on us.”
Sherri kept chatting with Sara, but Dez kept an eye on her throughout their conversation. When it was Sara’s turn to bat, Dez took her spot next to Sherri on the bench. “You feeling okay?”
She groaned. “You can stop asking me that question anytime. I’m sick of answering it.”
He leaned closer to her. “You don’t look like you’re feeling that well.”
“I’m trying to forget what tomorrow is, Dez. I go back to that chemotherapy room and hope that everything turns out differently than the last time.” She tugged on her hoodie sleeves so they fell past her fingers. “I need to be here so I’m distracted from my thoughts about it all. You don’t know how scared I was. It was the first time I realized that this could really kill me.”
He knew that more than anyone besides her parents, but he still winced at her words. “Don’t talk like that.”
She looked over at him. “I’m only speaking the truth.”
The inning switched over. Kevin struck out the first batter, and Sherri and Dez cheered from the bench. She turned to Dez and put a hand on his arm. “Let me enjoy this game, this momentary diversion from worrying about my own problems for a couple hours.”
Dez put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his side. He liked how feeling her body next to his made the worries and fears in his heart calm. She soothed his dark thoughts by her mere presence. “I’ll distract you as much as you want.” He thrust the clipboard into her hands. “You keep score tonight. That will take your mind off things.”
Sherri nodded and took the pencil from his fingers to mark off the second out of the inning. “Thank you. This means a lot to me.”
“I only wish I could do more for you.”
“You do enough.”
He only hoped that was true.
* * *
SHERRI PAUSED OUTSIDE the door of the chemo ward before putting her hand on the doorknob and turning it. She entered and walked past the chairs in the waiting room to sign in on the clipboard. Sherri, Mama and Dez all took seats in the waiting room. She took a deep breath, and Dez grabbed her hand and held on tight. “It can’t be as bad as your first chemo, right? An allergic reaction wouldn’t happen twice.”
Her anxiety and nervousness ramped up even more. She had talked to Dr. Frazier about changing the chemo cocktail to avoid the one that had caused such a strong reaction, and she trusted her doctor. But then, she had put her faith in her for that first appointment with such disastrous results. A nurse entered the waiting room and called her name. She stood and followed her down the hall, still holding on to Dez’s hand.
The room looked similar but it wasn’t the same one. She took a seat on the chair attached to the IV stand. The nurse took her vitals and made notes on her chart. The nurse smiled at her warmly. “You don’t have to be nervous about this. Dr. Frazier has gone over everything and will be stopping in before we start to review the changes she’s made.”
Sherri nodded, but didn’t pay attention. Instead, she focused on her breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Slow and easy. Anything to calm her heartbeat.
The nurse left, and a few minutes later Dr. Frazier appeared. She checked the different IV bags, then looked down at her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “I know you’re nervous after what happened the last time, but this will be different.”
Dez glared at the doctor. Sherri could almost feel the anger radiating from his body. “Can you guarantee that? Because she could have died,” he said.
Dr. Frazier looked up at Dez and cocked her head to the side. “I understand your worries, but this should go much smoother.” She crouched down so that she could look into Sherri’s eyes. “They have my number just in case.” She pulled the puzzle book from Sherri’s tote bag and wrote her number there, as well. “Call me if you have any questio
ns or concerns. I’m on your team throughout this process.” She straightened and went to the door, turning to face her and her family. “We can get started if you’re ready.”
Sherri gave a nod, afraid that her voice would betray her fears. The nurse returned and gave her several injections before inserting the IV drip. She put a hand on Sherri’s wrist, checking her pulse. “Do you need anything else?”
She shook her head, and the nurse left with Dr. Frazier.
Sherri looked up and watched the drip, drip, drip of the IV. She had a scratchy throat. Was that another reaction? No, she was just thirsty. She took a bottle of water from her tote bag and had a sip. Ahh, better. She looked at Dez and Mama, who were studying her intently. She shook her head. “I’m fine.”
Dez let out a breath that she realized he’d been holding. “So now we wait?”
She nodded, pulled out a magazine and passed it over to him. “Need some reading material?”
He looked down at the title of the magazine and gave a chuckle. “You think I need Cosmo to tell me how to have a better sex life?”
Sherri glanced down at it and felt her cheeks heat. “I meant to grab People.” She reached into her bag and pulled the right magazine out and handed it to him. “I’ll take the Cosmo.”
He raised his eyebrows at this. “You need to know how to have a better sex life?”
“It’s been so long that I don’t even remember how.” She winced and apologized to Mama. “I forgot you were here.”
Mama took the magazine from her and flipped to the article. “I think I’m the one who could use this more than the two of you. Maybe I’ll get some ideas.”
The blush in Sherri’s cheeks deepened, and she wished that the floor would open and swallow her. Instead, she worked on a crossword. A half hour later, the nurse came in to check her vitals and change the IV bag. “Things are looking good.”
Sherri massaged the back of her neck. Sitting so long in the chair made her neck, shoulders and back ache. She would like nothing more than to be able to get up and walk the hallways. Unfortunately, she still had a couple of hours before she could go home and wait for the side effects to begin. Wouldn’t that be fun?
A knock on the door roused them, and April entered the room, dressed in light blue scrubs. “I’m on my break and thought I’d check on you.”
Dez rose to his feet. “I’ll be right back.” He turned to Mama. “Do you need anything, Mrs. Lopez?”
Mama shook her head and kept knitting with the bright pink yarn. He left, and April took the seat he’d vacated. She put a hand on Sherri’s arm. “How are you feeling?”
“Better than the last time, but then, it wouldn’t take much, would it?” Sherri gave a shrug. “I don’t know. How am I supposed to feel?”
“I realize I’ve said this before, but everyone really is different. I felt fine the first day of chemo, but the next day I could barely get out of bed.” April stood and peered at her IV bags. “They have you on a strong regimen since the other one caused so many problems. That could mean either more side effects than the other one, or fewer effects but more intense.”
“Great.” She placed her puzzle book to the side. “So it’s a wait and see kind of thing. Again.”
April put her hand on Sherri’s shoulder. “Welcome to the wonderful world of cancer.”
* * *
CANCER SUCKED, but chemotherapy ranked almost as high on her list of things that no one should have to go through. Sherri lay on her sofa with a blanket covering her, and still the chills made her shake. She needed to get another blanket, but the thought of getting off the couch to retrieve it made her more tired than she already felt. She’d rather lay here and shiver.
Her cell phone buzzed, but she ignored it just like she had the other four calls. She couldn’t talk to anyone. Didn’t want to use any energy to reach out for the phone on the coffee table only inches away and answer the call, much less try to participate in a conversation.
April had warned her about this. About the strong desire to do nothing except lay inert. No sounds. No smells. No anything. Just quiet oblivion. She yanked the blanket to her chin and closed her eyes. She needed to rests for just one minute. Sixty seconds would be enough.
She woke later to a darkened room. The time on her cell phone told her it was almost midnight. Had she really slept for almost ten hours? She tested her body to see if she could find any issues. She felt less tired and less cold. She definitely didn’t feel hungry; the thought of food made her stomach rebel. But she was thirsty.
She pushed the blanket off her and sat up slowly. So far, so good. She swiveled so that her feet were on the carpet then with a count of three, pushed off and stood. She waited a minute or two while the nausea settled. When she could, she walked into the kitchen, following a path from the light that glowed above the stove. She opened a cabinet and grabbed a glass, then filled it from the faucet. She drank the water quickly, then refilled the glass and sipped again.
Should she walk down the hall and sleep in her bed, or return to the sofa? She debated her options, then went to the coffee table and picked up her phone before going to her bedroom.
Her phone indicated that she had thirteen missed calls. Seven from her parents, three from Dez and the others from her brothers. She only had two voice mails, however. She sat on the edge of her bed and listened to the first. Mama wanting her to call and let her know she was okay. The second, Mama again. She didn’t want to bother Sherri, but she was worried. It was late, so Sherri chose to postpone calling her back until the next day.
In the bathroom, Sherri freshened up before returning to her bed and turning on the tiny television Dez had brought over for her a few weeks ago. She flipped through the channels and landed on a repeat of a late night talk show. She pulled the covers over her and laid her head on her pillow to watch.
When she woke again, the sun streamed through her windows. She sat up, then regretted the quick movement. Her stomach couldn’t handle it, and she had to take several deep breaths before the uneasiness passed. Okay, she wouldn’t do that again.
She called her mom to reassure her that she was all right, but tired. After all, she’d slept most of the last twenty-four hours. No, she didn’t want her to come over. Yes, she would call if she needed her.
Then she phoned Dez back. “Ace, do you need anything?”
Was he prepared for a long list, because she could think of a lot of things she needed. “A new body?”
He laughed. “If I could do that for you, I would. But you’ve got to soldier through this.”
She made a face, knowing he couldn’t see it, but it felt better to do it. “I’d rather go through boot camp again than deal with this. At least that experience made me stronger and more confident.”
“Maybe this will, too. This is just the beginning.”
He didn’t need to remind her of that. She ran a hand through her hair. “April said the side effects can snowball after each treatment. I’d hate to see where I’m at in three months.”
“We’ll celebrate once you’ve finished.”
She smiled. “You’re on.”
A pause from Dez on the other end. “But seriously, do you need anything?”
She remembered April’s advice that she allow people to help her when they offered, even if it was something small. “Stephen King’s book just came out. Think you could bring me a copy?”
* * *
HE BROUGHT IT to her that night after work. Dez hadn’t even changed out of his suit and tie, but showed up with the thick volume in a plastic bag. He held it high and pumped his arm a few times as if it were a dumbbell. “I don’t know if this passes your weight restriction.”
“Funny.” She took the book from him, then cleared a space on the sofa for him. He looked so solid, so handsome. She patted the empty space next to her. �
��Have time to relax?”
He grimaced. “I’ve got plans with Luke tonight. But I’ll stop by tomorrow night to see how you’re doing.”
“Oh.” She tried to hide the disappointment in her voice, but knew she’d failed by the fallen look on Dez’s face. “It’s fine. I’m pretty tired anyway. Probably curl up with the book for the rest of the night.”
He leaned in and caught her gaze. “If you need me, call. Anytime.”
She nodded and stood to walk him to the door, but fatigue stopped her. He gently pressed her back down onto the sofa and pulled the blanket over her. She reached up and touched his arm. “Thank you again, Dez. Tell Luke hi from me.”
He kept staring at her for a few silent moments, then he kissed her forehead and said, “You take care of yourself.”
“I’m trying.”
* * *
LUKE WAVED HIS hand in front of Dez’s face. “Have you heard a word I said the last five minutes?”
“Honestly, I haven’t been paying attention. Sorry, man.” Dez threw the softball back to Luke, who caught it neatly and fired it back into Dez’s glove. “Things on my mind.”
“Your girlfriend?”
Dez threw the ball back to Luke. “I told you, she’s just a friend.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” The ball hit his mitt, and he tossed it in the air in front of him. “She okay?”
No. She’d looked so fragile before he’d left her apartment. So vulnerable, as if it wouldn’t require much to take her from him. That was what he’d been ruminating on since he’d picked up Luke at his apartment. One chemo treatment, and she looked so pale already. So sickly. It was too soon. “She started chemo, so she’s having a rough time.”
“That’s sad.”
Luke tossed the softball underhand, and Dez had to take a few steps to catch it. He examined the ball, then hurled it back to the kid. He took off his mitt. “Mind if we sit for a little?”
They moved to a bench in the park. Luke tossed the ball and caught it, then popped it up again. “Graduation is coming. Don’t forget you said you’d be there.”