Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  * * *

  SHERRI CHECKED HER tote bag for the fourth time to make sure she had everything she needed for her chemotherapy visit. Magazines, check. Romance novel, check. Snacks... She pawed through the bag and frowned. She was sure she’d put in a small bag of hard candies, but she couldn’t find them. In her kitchen, she started opening and closing cupboards. She found a bag of pretzels and a half-eaten package of crackers, but no candies.

  A knock on the door distracted her from her search. She opened the door to find her brother Hugo standing there. She glanced behind him. “Where’s Mama?”

  “Hello to you, too.” He pushed past her and stepped forward. “I told her I’d take you to your appointment today.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You have a problem with that?”

  “Is she feeling okay?” Maybe Sherri should call her and check up on her. It wasn’t like Mama to promise to do something and then not show up.

  “She’s fine, but I wanted to take you instead.”

  She watched him for a moment. “Why didn’t she call me to tell me she wasn’t coming today?”

  “Listen, don’t make me regret volunteering. What? Only Mama can take you to the hospital? None of the rest of us are allowed to help?” He put his hands on his hips. “Can’t I do something nice for you once in a while?”

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” She gathered her tote bag and put it over her shoulder. Hugo took it from her and carried it himself. “I’m not too weak to carry that,” she told him.

  “Shut up and let me do it.”

  She checked that she had everything she needed for the appointment before leaving the apartment and following her little brother to his car. He opened the door for her and waited for her to get in before slamming the door shut. He’d never done that before. She frowned at him as he entered the car on the driver’s side. “I’m not dying, Hugo.” He swore softly, at which she smacked him in the shoulder. “Better not let Mama hear you talk like that.”

  He started the ignition and gunned the engine. “We haven’t hung out in a while, so I told Mama I’d take you for once and let her have a day off.”

  “So you keep saying.”

  He sighed. “Why do I have to have an ulterior motive?”

  “Because you’re my little brother, and I know you better than you know yourself.” She snapped her seat belt into place as he sped to the hospital. “We have plenty of time until my appointment. You don’t have to break land speed records to get there.”

  “Ha-ha.” But he immediately eased off the accelerator. “Actually, I figured since we’re going to have a few hours to bond that you could give me some advice.”

  “And you couldn’t simply call me instead? Please don’t tell me it’s problems with your nonexistent girlfriend.” She shook her head.

  Hugo scowled at her. “Forget it. We can just sit in silence while the doctor poisons you.”

  No one spoke until they reached the hospital. Hugo parked, then ran around to help her out of the car. She batted away his hand when he grabbed her arm to help her stand. “You can stop doing that. I’m perfectly capable of getting out of a car.” She took the tote bag off his shoulder. “And I can carry my own bag, thanks.”

  “You sure don’t like people helping you, do you?”

  She began walking to the hospital. “I don’t like people assuming I can’t do something. Yes, I have cancer, but I’m not helpless.”

  “Would never accuse you of that,” he muttered behind her as he followed her into the building.

  Once the injections had been given and the IV started, Hugo looked at her, his face white. She smirked. “Don’t like needles?”

  He gave a shudder and winced. “You never did.”

  She shrugged. “I’m used to them now.” She pulled out a book of puzzles and handed it and a mechanical pencil to her brother. “Here. It will help pass the time.”

  Hugo accepted the items and opened the book to a random page. He started a puzzle, then quit after a minute. “I’m serious about needing advice.”

  Sherri wrinkled her nose. “It’s not about girls, is it?”

  “I do fine with the ladies.” He shook his head. “No, this is about my career.” He frowned. “Or lack thereof.”

  “Ooo, college graduate, you scored points for using that word correctly.”

  Hugo waved the puzzle book at her. “Never mind.”

  Sherri put her magazine down and put her hand over his hand. “All right, I’ll knock off on the sarcasm. It just comes naturally to me when I’m talking to you. It’s all part of being the big sister, you know.”

  He smiled. “It’s part of being the baby brother, too.”

  She folded her hands in her lap. “So, what advice are you looking for?”

  “I graduated over a month ago and I’ve only been on two job interviews. One was perfect for me, but I didn’t get a call back. The second had nothing to do with my degree and would have been a waste of time.”

  “Could it have led to something bigger?”

  “Maybe, but I need more than possibilities. I’m tired of living with Mommy and Daddy and working a minimum wage job while I look for something else.” He doodled on the puzzle page. “How did you find your job?”

  The question surprised her. She hadn’t pictured Hugo as an adult before. He would always be her baby brother even when they were both in their eighties. “I thought you wanted to go into business. You want to work for Border Patrol?”

  He looked up at her. “They don’t need accounting and finance majors, do they?”

  “Not unless you have a background in the military or police.” She remembered being where Hugo was after she’d finished her time in the army. She’d gotten her college degree, then spent three months searching for a job in a market that was glutted with qualified applicants. “I contacted a job recruiter who helped me with my résumé, my interview skills, all of that. I let all the aunties and uncles know I was looking for a job and used all those contacts. It was Tio Roberto who had a buddy that knew someone in the Border Patrol office and said they had openings. But it came at the right time and it was the right fit. You can’t force it.”

  He groaned. “You know I’m not good at the waiting thing.”

  Did she ever. He was the one who had snooped to find their Christmas presents before the actual day, then woke everyone up at four in the morning to open gifts. He really wasn’t good at the waiting thing. “Let everyone know you’re looking for a job and what you want. Check out the job recruiter’s office by Tia Laurie’s beauty shop. And keep working where you are until a smart offer comes along.”

  “You don’t give easy answers.”

  She motioned to the IV stand. “I’m not exactly in an easy situation myself. The thing is, you have to learn the lessons in the position you are now, before you move on.”

  He glanced at the tubes connected to her and winced. “And what lessons are you learning?”

  Good question. If April was here, she’d cross off a grocery list of things she’d gained by fighting cancer. She pushed herself to answer. “That I’m stronger than I thought I was. That what I thought was important has changed. And that my bald head, the nausea, all of it, is temporary. I need to get through this and I’ll find answers on the other side.”

  Hugo considered this, then nodded. “I really hope you kick this cancer in the butt, sis.”

  She gave him a smile and squeezed his hand. “I’m doing my best.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  THE MORNING OF the wedding, Sherri lay on the bathroom floor next to the toilet and wished for a different body. She’d had her fourth chemo appointment two days before, so she was right on schedule with the nausea and vomiting.

  She pulled her phone from her hoodie pocket and dialed Dez’s number. The call went straight to voi
ce mail. He must be either with Luke or working out. She waited for the beep, then took a deep breath. “Dez, it’s me. I’m not going to make the wedding. I hate to miss it, but I’m too sick. I’ll call you later. Thanks.”

  She pressed End Call on the phone’s screen and stared at the ceiling, debating about whether it needed a fresh coat of paint. She’d heard from Page that the effects of chemo would snowball after each treatment, but she hadn’t expected to feel this horrible. She grabbed her phone and started scrolling through the contacts to find Lulu’s name when it started to ring. Dez. “I’m sorry to cancel last minute.”

  “You’re not canceling.”

  “Dez, I’m lying on the bathroom floor because I can’t risk being any farther away from the toilet. I’m really sick this time.”

  “How much of it is chemo and how much is nerves about facing your family?”

  She put a wrist over her eyes, which ached from the bright sunlight coming in from the window. “It’s the chemo.”

  “Sure about that? I didn’t figure you for a coward.”

  She sat up and rested her back against the bathroom door. “I’m no coward.”

  “So eat some crackers and drink ginger ale, and I’ll pick you up at three like we planned.”

  This from the man who had gotten angry when she’d shown up to hang with her friends at a ball game. She couldn’t just wish this nausea away like it was a mental thing. The thought of the smell of flowers, the loud music and all the people at the wedding made her sweat and shake. “You don’t get it. I can’t go.”

  “Let’s be honest. You won’t go. There’s a difference.”

  She sighed and put the phone to her forehead. The man was insufferable. He never listened to her and always assumed the worst of her. Right? Or did he want to push her when she was unable to motivate herself? She put her phone back to her ear. “Come over at three, but I’m not going. We can stay here and watch movies or something.”

  “Nice try. Take a shower and put on that dress you bought. Be ready when I get there.”

  He hung up before she could. She tapped on her phone, took a deep breath then released it. He might be maddening, but he was right. She had to do this. If nothing but to prove to Dez that she could.

  * * *

  AT A FEW minutes before three, Dez knocked on Sherri’s apartment door and wondered which version of her would answer. The dressed up and ready to go one? Or the defeated and given up one? The door opened and he whistled at the vision before him. “You look smashing.”

  She gave a weak smile and reached up to the floral scarf she’d tied around her head. She looked him up and down, her smile widening. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”

  Despite the green tinge about her complexion, she really did look great. The yellow lace dress made it seem like she was alive and vibrant. “I’m serious.”

  She reached up and touched the knot of his tie. “So am I.”

  He put his hand on her bare arm, wanting, no, needing, to touch her. She was a goddess. He only wished she could be his.

  He took a few steps inside the apartment and looked around. Dirty dishes cluttered the kitchen sink. A blanket and pillow sat on the sofa as if she’d just risen from it. She followed his gaze and shrugged. “I didn’t move much from the sofa the last couple of days.”

  He peered into her eyes and could see the war between fatigue and determination being fought there. “We don’t have to go. You’re right. We can stay in and watch a movie or two.”

  She looked down at her dress. “I got ready for this wedding. We’re going.”

  “You’re not well. I was wrong to push.” He should have realized that she was telling the truth about her health. Why hadn’t he listened when she’d tried telling him earlier? Because he figured that he knew better than she did. He should’ve kept his mouth shut.

  “I’ll be fine. I’ve got crackers in my purse just in case.” She held it up for him to see. “Let’s go.”

  “I was wrong.”

  “Wait. Should I write this day on the calendar? Dez actually admitted that he was wrong?” She gave a chuckle. “No, you were right. Nerves about seeing my family were making this harder for me than they should be. I’ll be fine once we get there. You’ll see.”

  He touched her cheek tenderly. “Do you know how amazing you are?”

  She pulled his hand away from her face. “Don’t make me more than I am. I’m just me.”

  That was what made her amazing. She was so brave, so beautiful, but she didn’t see it. He turned and opened the front door for her. She passed by him, and he caught a whiff of something that smelled like honey, a scent that could only be Sherri. He paused as she locked the door, then held her elbow as they took the stairs down so she wouldn’t trip wearing impossibly high heels and a long flowing dress. At his car, he opened the passenger-side door for her, then closed it and ran around to get in on the driver’s side, not wanting to keep her waiting for too long.

  He drove them to an old church in downtown Detroit and noticed that the parking lot was full. Cars lined the surrounding streets. He pulled his car back in front of the church to let Sherri out before searching for an open spot to park.

  By the time he reached her, Perla and Horatio had joined her along with her youngest brother, Hugo. He adjusted his tie and navy suit coat. Perla looked him up and down and nodded. “You’ll do.”

  He turned to Sherri, a question on his face. She waved a hand. “An ex-boyfriend is in the wedding party, a friend of the groom’s, I guess. Mama wants to make sure he regrets letting me go.”

  The thought of an ex-boyfriend made him want to go on the warpath to protect his goddess warrior. But he squelched the urge and clasped his hands in front of him. “How long ago was this? You haven’t dated anyone since Dave, and that was three years ago.”

  Her expression was incredulous. “You remember Dave?”

  Hugo nodded somberly. “We all remember him. Mama thought you were going to end up married to that jerk.”

  “He wasn’t a jerk. He just had other priorities that didn’t include me.” Sherri explained to Dez, “I dated Jason off and on in high school and some of college.”

  Mama reached over and straightened Dez’s tie. “Never mind, mija, you’ve got Dez here to make him jealous.”

  “Jason’s married with kids, Mama. He’s moved on. Trust me.” Sherri put her elbow in the crook of Dez’s arm. “Can you please take me inside? I need to sit down. This heat is getting to me.”

  Thoughts of witty comebacks or disparaging comments about ex-boyfriends fled at the request and he led her into the church. Her cousin Mateo met them at the sanctuary door. His eyes ran over Sherri from the scarf covering her head to the lace dress that covered more of her chest than showed. He cleared his throat. “You look...um, good, cuz.”

  Sherri shook her head. “Don’t mince words, I know I look terrible.”

  Dez put his hand on hers. “You’re beautiful, Ace. Don’t listen to him.”

  Mateo motioned to the left since they belonged to the bride’s family. They took seats about two rows from the back at Sherri’s insistence. “Just in case I need to get up real quick,” she whispered in his ear.

  Her parents sat closer to the front where most of the family had congregated as they waited for the ceremony to begin. Sherri tugged at her head scarf. “I hate this thing. It itches.”

  He looked at it and wrinkled his nose. The silk floral scarf was fussy and didn’t seem to match Sherri’s sense of style. She was more classic and simple. She made the statement, rather than the clothes she wore. “So take it off.”

  “You saw Mateo’s reaction. It’s better if I stay covered.”

  “What are you more worried about? Their comfort or yours?” He reached up and pulled the knot at the back of the scarf until it loosened and sa
t in his hand. He placed it in her lap. “There. You’re gorgeous.”

  She tentatively touched her bald head. “You think it’s okay?”

  He kissed the top of her head. “It’s perfect.”

  Some of Sherri’s family stopped to say hi, then continued down the aisle to sit near the front. He nudged her. “See? They didn’t gawk or stare.”

  She let a smile tease her lips before throwing the scarf around her neck in a casual loop. Dez put his arm across the back of the pew, waiting for the ceremony to start.

  * * *

  THE YACHT CLUB off the Detroit River hosted the large wedding reception. Dez used the valet parking, saying he wanted to make sure his car was secure. Sherri really knew that it was because of her, so she wouldn’t have too far to walk. He needed to get over this idea of her fragility. She had always been made of tough stuff and cancer couldn’t change that.

  Lulu had placed them at a table in the middle of her family so that everyone got a good view of her and her bald head. Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the reason why they were surrounded by well-meaning relatives, but it felt as if a spotlight shone down on her and beckoned every family member to stop by and ask how she felt. Sherri thought about going into the restroom and putting the scarf back on, but her head felt better without it. Luckily, the bridal party arrived and captured everyone’s attention. The party had officially begun.

  Sherri picked at her dinner for a while before offering it to Dez, who ate it with relish. She wanted cake anyway, and baked chicken would only crowd her stomach. Then it was time for dancing, the part she always loved at weddings. Sure, the ceremony had been beautiful and the wedding toasts touching. But the beat of the music thrummed through her veins with the need to move. She asked Dez, “Want to dance?”

  He looked over at the empty dance floor. “Don’t the bride and groom have to go first?”