Reasons to quit my sexual addiction:
1. I don’t want to feel so ashamed of myself.
2. I don’t want to feel so out of control.
3. I don’t want to keep hurting my self-esteem.
4. I don’t want to hurt others.
5. I don’t want to abuse my power.
6. I don’t want to keep reliving the pain of sexual abuse. (My sexually addictive behaviors feel like re-enacting the abuse.)
7. I want to treat others and myself with love and respect.
8. I want greater sexual integrity.
When sexually addictive thoughts or feelings surface in my mind, I will repeat the word “no” over and over again.
I will remove and avoid all triggers for addictive sex (pornographic materials, places where I engaged in sexually addictive behavior, etc...)
Exercise 6-1
Reprogramming Sexual Beliefs
This is a list of commonly held, false beliefs about sexuality. Each is followed by a healthier alternative.
1. Sex is an explosion of rage, and a way to vent my angry feelings.
-No, sex is an expression of love. It is a way to give others joy or pleasure.
2. It’s okay to meet my sexual needs at the expense of others. It doesn’t matter if I neglect their feelings, betray them, or use them for sex.
-No, it is never okay to meet my sexual needs at another person’s expense. I need to give my sexual partners respect and always consider their feelings.
3. Having many shallow, sexual encounters makes me powerful.
-No, having many shallow, sexual encounters makes me a sex addict.
4. Having many sexual partners means I am desirable.
-No, having many sexual partners means that I don’t feel I deserve to get the love I need in a safe, healthy relationship.
5. I will use sex to make myself feel better.
-Sex is not medicine. If I often feel depressed, anxious, nervous, or upset, I need to seek counseling, get medication for depression or anxiety, and learn to express my feelings in a healthy way without always turning to sex.
6. If I have sex with enough people, I will feel better about having been abused.
-No, the more promiscuous I become, the worse I will feel about myself.
Process Questions
How healthy were my past sexual experiences?
How do I feel about the way I have expressed myself sexually?
If I expressed my sexuality in an unhealthy or addictive way, what would I like to change?
What steps could I take to quit my unhealthy sexual behaviors? (Go to a 12-step meeting, work on sexual abuse issues, journal about my feelings, take medication for depression or anxiety, talk to a counselor, change my beliefs about sexuality, etc…)
How will stopping my unhealthy sexual behavior improve my self-esteem?
Stepping Stones to Health
Sexual Addiction
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I am a sex addict, and I don’t want to change.
_____ 2. I have experienced some discomfort with the way I express myself sexually.
_____ 3. I have had some consequences (financial problems, problems with relationships, problems with self-esteem, contracted a sexually transmitted disease, lost respect for myself, felt guilty or ashamed, committed adultery or criminal behavior), but I still don’t want to quit.
_____ 4. I am unhappy with my sexual behavior and I want to change, but I don’t know where to begin.
_____ 5. I have read self-help books or looked for information about sexual addiction.
_____ 6. I am actively working on my sexual abuse issues, and this is helping me to understand my unhealthy sexual behavior.
_____ 7. I have attended a 12-step meeting or my first counseling session and am beginning to discuss issues of sexual addiction.
_____ 8. I am willing to do whatever it takes to change my addictive sexual behavior.
Chapter 7 – Dealing With Pain
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.”
-Sophocles
Survivors of sexual abuse often experience a lot of pain. Most of this pain is emotional in nature, and can be very intense. At some point, we may have discovered ways to avoid our pain. We may have numbed our feelings with alcohol, drugs, or other compulsive behaviors.
Pleasure seeking is normal to an extent. We all enjoy an occasional chocolate sundae or a vacation lying on the beach. This behavior only becomes unhealthy when we go to extremes or do things that hurt others or ourselves.
At some point, pleasure seeking turns into pain avoidance. We compulsively seek pleasure to mask the terrible pain we feel inside. When we try to avoid our pain by going to extremes with pleasure, our pain actually intensifies over time. We create new hurts and new wounds.
If we were sexually abused, turning to an addiction to numb our pain is like trying to cover a lethal wound with a band-aid. It seals in the dirt and the germs. Without proper care, our wounds begin to spread. They may engulf areas of our lives that were once healthy.
Unresolved pain can consume our self-esteem, our energy, our emotional stability, our sobriety, our relationships, and our health. When we are wounded, we need to cry. We need to release our pain, our grief, and our sorrow.
What follows is an exercise that may help you identify any wounds from the past you still need to heal.
Exercise 7-1
Identifying Pain
-Try to identify any past or current sources of pain in your life. Think about each entry, and place a check by any of the items that still cause you pain.
Pain From Past Or Current Abuse:
_____ 1. Pain From Sexual Abuse
_____ 2. Pain From Physical Abuse
_____ 3. Pain From Emotional Abuse
_____ 4. Pain From Verbal Abuse
_____ 5. Pain From Mental Abuse (Mind Games)
_____ 6. Pain From Spiritual Abuse (Misuse of Spiritual Authority)
_____ 7. Pain From Abandonment
_____ 8. Pain From Neglect
_____ 9. Pain From Disrespect
_____ 10. Pain From Abusive Criticism
Pain From A Past Or Current Loss:
_____ 1. Loss Of A Loved One
_____ 2. Loss Of A Romantic Relationship
_____ 3. Loss Of A Job
_____ 4. Loss Of A Friendship
_____ 5. Loss Of Safety Or Security
_____ 6. Loss Of A Way Of Life
_____ 7. Loss Of Self-Esteem
_____ 8. Loss Of A Belief-System
_____ 9. Loss Of Your Dreams
_____ 10. Loss Of A Belief That This World Is A Safe Place
_____ 11. Loss Of Money/Financial
_____ 12. Loss Of A Home/Residence/Security
_____ 13. Loss Of Your Childhood/Grew Up Too Fast
_____ 14. Loss Of Health/Functioning
Pain From A Past Or Current Relationship With:
_____ 1. Spouse Or Significant Other
_____ 2. Family Member
_____ 3. Yourself
_____ 4. Your Spirit
_____ 5. God
_____ 6. The Opposite Sex
_____ 7. Ex-Husband/Wife/Boy/Girlfriend
_____ 8. Society
_____ 9. Boss
_____ 10. Co-workers
_____ 11. Teachers
_____ 12. Authority Figures
Pain From An Unfulfilled Desire For:
_____ 1. Safety/Security
_____ 2. Self-Esteem
_____ 3. Enough Money
_____ 4. Good Relationships
_____ 5. Good Job
_____ 6. Stronger Spirituality
_____ 7. Better Sex-Life
_____ 8. Love
_____ 9. Loving Parents
_____ 10. Happy Childhood
_____ 11. Safe Touch
_____ 12. Intimacy
&nbs
p; Pain From Fear:
_____ 1. Fear Of Death
_____ 2. Fear Of Loss
_____ 3. Fear Of Abuse
_____ 4. Fear Of An Abuser
_____ 5. Fear Of Trauma
_____ 6. Fear Of Violence
Pain From Being Judged In The Past Or Present:
_____ 1. For Your Race
_____ 2. For Your Gender
_____ 3. For Your Sexual Orientation
_____ 4. By The Church/Judgmental Pastors
_____ 5. For Being An Addict
_____ 6. For Not Being Perfect
_____ 7. By Your Parents
_____ 8. For Being A Survivor Of Sexual Abuse
Pain From Past Or Current Conditional Love: “You Can Have My/Our Love:”
_____ 1. If You’re Perfect
_____ 2. If You Make Me/Us Happy
_____ 3. If You Shut Up
_____ 4. If You “Keep The Secret”
_____ 5. If You Don’t Show Your Feelings
_____ 6. If You “Do It Right”
_____ 7. If You Don’t Challenge Me/Us
_____ 8. If You “Play The Game”
_____ 9. If You Get Good Grades
_____ 10. If You’re Working
_____ 11. If You Do What I Say
_____ 12. If You Take Care of Me
Pain From Past Or Current Conditions:
_____ 1. Addiction
_____ 2. Mental Health Issues (Depression, Anxiety, etc…)
_____ 3. Physical Appearance
_____ 4. Obesity
_____ 5. Other Health Conditions - List:
_________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
It can take time to develop the strength and courage we need to face our pain. Ironically, it is often the pain of our past traumas that rob us of the strength we need to heal. We may have felt weak and powerless in the past. We may have felt like victims of circumstance.
When we feel too weak or afraid to face our pain, we abandon hope. We stop caring about ourselves, neglect our needs, and place ourselves in situations where, subconsciously, we know we will be abused.
Some of us learn to hate our own weaknesses so much that we begin to victimize ourselves. We develop a victim pattern or mindset. We become trapped in despair. It’s as if we’re on the bottom of the ocean with the weight of a thousand tons of water pressing down on top of us.
When we finally allow ourselves to feel our pain, we may start to think of all the ways we’ve been hurt in the past. We project our fears into the future and believe that bad things will happen to us again. We convince ourselves that we will lose another job or become trapped in another abusive relationship. The more we think about the ways we were victimized by people or circumstances in the past, the more depressed and despondent we become.
We create self-fulfilling prophecies by subconsciously attracting people we know will abuse us. We exhibit body language that tells others we are victims. When we feel like victims, we often look like victims too. We slouch and thrust our shoulders forward to protect our heart. We shuffle our feet, look down at the ground, and avoid eye contact.
Fear is like a storm. It’s as if the clouds have gathered and we’ve heard the thunder rolling in. Before too long, we’re all wet. Shivering in the cold, we stare up at the heavens, expecting to be struck by a random bolt of lightning.
We get trapped in a victim mentality when we believe we will continue to be abused and there is nothing we can do to stop it. We feel weak and powerless. We have a single-minded focus on the negative. We keep repeating self-destructive behaviors and attracting negative outcomes for our lives.
What is the way out of this mindset? What is the way through the storm? How can we get past this fear that ravages our bodies, minds, and emotions?
Fear of victimization is fear of pain. And unfortunately, pain is a necessary part of life. There is no way to avoid feeling some pain.
Painful things have happened in our past. Painful things will continue to happen in our future. Yet it is often the pain in life that pushes us to grow. As any mother will tell you, giving birth can be extremely painful. But most mothers will also tell you it was worth it. How could the miracle of life exist without the pain of birth?
Pain is always temporary. It will heal with enough time, attention, love, and care. We do not have to remain trapped in our pain.
It is important to recognize when we are feeling like victims. Sometimes we feel victimized by abusers, abusive relationships, people that deceived us, parents that abandoned us, or jobs that didn’t work out. And though the circumstances of our lives can seem painful and demoralizing, we need to remember that we will only become trapped in our negative emotions if we try to avoid them.
Our fear of the pain is often worse than the pain itself. When we feel afraid, we should allow ourselves to physically shake. When we feel sad, we should allow ourselves to cry. It is only when we accept and allow our negative feelings that we can move through them.
The process of facing and releasing our pain moves us from a victim mentality to a more balanced, positive way of thinking. It’s important to take this process slowly and carefully. We want to avoid trying to do too much at once. We need to take whatever time is necessary to move through our pain and our grief in a safe and gentle way.
We need to remember that emotions are simply energy in motion. Pain is an energy that passes through us and out of us when we allow ourselves to feel it. Healthy ways to work through our pain include talking to a non-judgmental friend, AA/NA sponsor, pastor, or counselor about how we feel. We can journal about our feelings and allow ourselves to cry.
How would it feel to be free from the pain of our past? Would we become happier? Would we get our lives back? Could we recover from addiction? Could it lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships?
When we stop feeling like victims, we stop looking like victims. We stand up straight with our shoulders back. We take full strides, hold our heads high, and make eye contact with whomever we meet.
Allowing ourselves to feel our pain and move through it is an investment in our future. When we allow ourselves to release the pain we feel, we begin to grow, change, and move forward with out lives.
Exercise 7-2
Positive Ways To Deal With Your Pain
1. Allow yourself to cry and feel your pain alone or with a supportive family member, friend, pastor, or counselor.
2. Talk about your pain with a supportive family member, friend, pastor, or counselor.
3. Journal or write about your pain, and get it out on paper.
4. Write a letter to your abuser that expresses your true feelings, and decide later whether or not you want to deliver it.
5. Express and release your pain in artistic ways. Music, woodworking, sculpting, painting, and dancing can be very positive emotional outlets.
6. Build your pain out of clay, then smash it, break it up, and tear it apart.
7. Learn how others dealt with their pain through spiritual study. Analyze stories from the bible like the book of Job.
8. Learn to spend 15 minutes a day just feeling your pain and not blocking it in any way.
9. Work to transform your pain into positive goals for your future. Try to learn from your painful experiences, and use them to transform your life into something more positive.
10. Work to transform your pain into positive goals for your relationships. Use the painful experiences of your past to define what you want and don’t want from your future relationships.
11. Understand that pain is limited. When we allow ourselves to feel and release our pain, we will eventually get through it.
Chapter 8 – Relapse
“Recovery is a process, not an event.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous
To relapse means to return to active addiction after making a commitment to a recovery program and lifestyle change. Relapse can happ
en to the most committed recovering alcoholic/addict. The purpose of this chapter is to reassure you that a relapse is not the end of the world. Many people use a “slip” as an excuse to return to active addiction. Difficult emotions are scary. That’s why we suppressed them for so long with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex.
The truth is that we can’t avoid our negative feelings. When we try to suppress them, they build up inside of us like water behind a dam. Removing the control valve of our addiction can lead to a flood of emotion. When I quit smoking cigarettes, I felt angry and depressed for a full year.
This flood of emotion can seem unsettling at first, but in time that flood becomes a stream, and the stream becomes a trickle. If our true goal is health and sobriety, then a relapse is simply a bump in the road.
When we have made a commitment to improving our lives, we immediately return to abstinence from the drug or behavior we are trying to quit. We cannot allow our addiction to keep us from the health and prosperity we deserve.
We’re not perfect, and healing is not some straight line out of suffering and into health. In an ideal world, there would be no relapse. In an ideal world, we would be able to quit an addiction and have no problem holding firm to our decision. But for most of us, that’s not the way it works. Recovery is a process, not an event.
There can be times when even our best intentions will not keep us sober. With a strong trigger like running into an old drinking/using friend or the death of a relative, we may begin to crave alcohol, drugs, food, or sex again.
Guilt and shame are poison to our recovery process. It’s important to forgive ourselves when we relapse. We need to give our recovery process another chance.
Keep believing in yourself, even if you relapse. Never use a relapse as an excuse to return to active addiction. Repeat after me:
“I am not perfect. I am only human. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and that’s O.K. I am going to get back on my feet and keep moving in a positive direction. I am becoming a stronger, healthier person. I will never give up on my recovery process because I deserve better.”
Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Page 6