We must realize that there is no cause and effect relationship between who we were and what happened to us. If we had been pretty little girls with fathers who respected women, we would not have been sexually abused. If we had flirted with a boyfriend who was a gentleman, we would not have been raped. If our mother had been worthy of our trust, she would not have molested us.
Release your blame, your shame, and your guilt. There is nothing you could have done to deserve the abuse. Your abuser is responsible for his or her actions, not you.
Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse stop seeing themselves as attractive. At one end of the spectrum, we overeat or become obese in an effort to make ourselves unappealing to the opposite sex. This may be an attempt, either consciously or subconsciously, to prevent further abuse. We may think to ourselves, “If I’m not attractive, no one will want to rape or molest me.”
Of course, overeating is a self-destructive pattern that can turn into an addiction. It can become a compulsive means of avoiding what we fear. Like all other addictions, it is unhealthy. Overeating can lead to obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and early death.
Some of us overeat in an effort to create bodily defenses against further abuse. Hiding behind layers of fat can feel like wearing a suit of armor. Yet in truth, safety and security are a state of mind, not a state of body. We deserve to be healthy, not obese.
If we wish to defend ourselves against further abuse, it is much healthier to study martial arts or practice self-defense. These approaches empower us to protect ourselves in proactive ways. They can help us get in better shape physically, mentally, and emotionally. As we practice self-defense, we gain confidence, begin to feel greater control over our bodies, and become more capable of defending ourselves against any further attempt to abuse us. I find that practicing martial arts helps me release the ongoing anger and frustration I feel as a survivor of sexual abuse. It helps me to feel more stable and sane on a daily basis.
On the opposite end of the spectrum are people who eat very little or vomit their food in an attempt to stay thin or attractive. Some survivors of sexual abuse only received love and attention when their abuser wanted sex. They came to believe that the only way to get love and attention from others was to be sexually attractive. These survivors often have sex too quickly in a relationship for fear that their partner will reject them.
Again, this is an attempt to avoid what we fear. Obsessive dieting, under-eating, or intentional vomiting are all highly self-destructive behaviors that lead to premature death. There is help for people with eating disorders, and therapists who specialize in their treatment. You deserve to be healthy, not vomiting your food or starving your body.
Becoming obsessed with physical beauty often comes from a desire to gain greater power and self-esteem. When people notice how we look or are clearly attracted to us, it can make us feel better about ourselves. We may feel powerful and in control.
But ultimately, striving for physical beauty is not a way to heal the pain of sexual abuse. It is a poor solution at best and can become self-destructive at worst. Plastic surgery, breast-enhancements, collagen lip-injections, or unnecessary liposuctions to reduce weight in all but severe cases of obesity are extreme measures. Undergoing a procedure of this type is often a sign of low self-esteem, not a cure for it.
Self-esteem comes from feeling good about the real you. There are many, healthy ways to improve the way we look and feel. Obsessing about physical beauty is not the answer.
The most important thing to remember is that our body is not the problem. There are many body types that are beautiful. In fact, the very concept of beauty is different in every culture.
We may have blamed our bodies for what happened to us. We may have hated our sexual organs for betraying us. We may have felt shame or guilt for having experienced pleasure during the abuse. We may hate our body for having responded sexually to an abuser.
But in truth, our bodies did everything they were designed to do. Our bodies deserve no blame. We are beautiful men and women who have no need to feel ashamed. Our bodies deserve to be treated well, respected, fed healthy food, and given regular exercise.
Forgive your body. Love your body. Treat your body well.
Exercise 10-1
Body Image Exercise
-Answer the following questions on a separate piece of paper.
1. What are 10 good things your body does for you?
2. How do you show your body that you are grateful for what it does?
3. If your body could talk, what would it say?
4. What does your body want?
5. How does your body feel?
6. How can you provide your body with what it needs and what it wants?
7. In what ways is your body uniquely beautiful?
Process Questions
How did the sexual abuse affect my body image?
What feelings come up for me when I think about my body? (Pride, shame, guilt, mixed-emotions, etc…)
In what ways have I blamed my body for the abuse?
How can I see my body in a more positive way?
How can I start to treat my body with love and respect?
Stepping Stones to Health
Body Image
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I hate my body, and I blame it for the abuse.
_____ 2. I wish that I had not been attractive, and sometimes I think my body is the reason I was sexually abused.
_____ 3. I do not treat my body well.
_____ 4. I am uncomfortable with my body, and I sometimes feel ashamed of it.
_____ 5. I am beginning to realize that it wasn’t my body’s fault that I was sexually abused.
_____ 6. I am beginning to look at my body in a different way. Either that my beauty is a good thing, or that my body is more beautiful than I realized.
_____ 7. I want my body to be healthy, because I want to look and feel good.
_____ 8. I am beginning to feel more comfortable with my body, and am beginning to treat my body well by eating right and exercising.
_____ 9. I realize that my body has served me well, and I will do everything I can to take good care of it.
Chapter 11 – Beyond Shame and Guilt
“My abusers worked very hard to convince me that the abuse was my fault.”
-Jason Goodwin
Survivors of sexual abuse often experience deep feelings of shame and guilt. We berate ourselves for what happened or blame ourselves for the abuse. Why would we take responsibility for something we did not want and could not control? Why would we blame ourselves for another person’s actions?
It’s easy to understand why perpetrators of sexual abuse feel guilty or ashamed. They willfully violated another human being. They went against the morals and standards that most of us hold dear. They placed themselves and their own selfish needs above all other considerations. Certainly, their actions caused lifelong suffering for the ones they abused. Their shame and guilt are logical.
But why would we blame ourselves? I believe it is because we suffer from low self-esteem. Some of us may have felt good about ourselves before we were abused. But over time, our self-esteem was transformed into self-loathing.
People with low self-esteem blame themselves for whatever bad things happen in their lives. When good things happen to them, they give credit to someone else or to circumstances beyond their control. People with low self-esteem take all of the blame but none of the credit.
When we truly believe in our self-worth, we do not blame ourselves for the behavior of others. Instead, we allow them to take responsibility for their own actions. In this way, a person with high self-esteem sees the world more clearly than a person with low self-esteem.
A person with high self-esteem might say, “I was sexually abused as a child because my father was an alcoholic. He was very cruel. There was nothing I could do to prevent his abuse. I am a
good person, despite what he did to me.”
This person sees her abuse in a clear way. She assigns blame where it is due, and understands that being sexually abused cannot affect her basic worth as a person.
In contrast, a person with low self-esteem might say, “I was sexually abused as a child because I wasn’t good enough. If only I had been a better son, maybe my mother wouldn’t have raped me. I’m a worthless piece of garbage.”
This second person sees his abuse in a twisted, emotional way. He unfairly assumes responsibility for the actions of his abuser.
One of the paradoxes of sexual abuse is that we need healthy self-esteem in order to heal. Yet the longer and more severely we are abused, the lower our self-esteem can fall. As a result, those of us who were sexually abused the worst may have the hardest time developing enough self-esteem to overcome the pain of our past.
Some of us were hurt so badly that we lost touch with reality. We stopped seeing ourselves or our lives objectively and began to substitute “emotional reasoning.” Some of the thinking errors that result from emotional reasoning include the following:
1. “I feel bad, therefore I am bad.”
2. “I was sexually abused, therefore I deserve to be sexually abused.”
3. “I was not loved by my abuser, therefore I do not deserve to be loved by anyone.”
4. “I was treated like a bad person, therefore I am a bad person.”
5. “I was told that the abuse was my fault, therefore the abuse was my fault.”
6. “I had bad relationships in the past, so I will have bad relationships in the future.”
7. “I was emotionally abused, therefore I deserve to be emotionally abused.”
8. “I was hurt, therefore I deserve to be hurt.”
Emotional reasoning is circular logic; it makes no sense. As human beings, we try to define truth by learning from our experiences. We observe what happens to us and arrive at certain conclusions. Sometimes those conclusions are correct, and other times they are completely wrong.
“I grew up in a poor family, so I’m a loser. I was sexually abused as a child, so all I’m good for is sex. My parents never loved me, so I am unlovable. I never had a good life, so I will always be miserable.”
Beliefs like this are the product of past experience. They are the result of associations and perceived connections. Some of us can think all day long without engaging in a single, logical, rational thought.
We do not always see our past, present, or future clearly. Instead, we remember the trauma and react with emotion. When we are extremely emotional, our thoughts may begin to serve our emotions.
If our emotion is depression, we imagine all the reasons we should feel depressed. If our emotion is fear, we dwell on whatever things may go wrong in our lives. If our emotion is shame, we try to come up with logical explanations for why we should feel ashamed. If our emotion is guilt, we invent reasons to blame ourselves for the abuse.
Low self-esteem and emotional reasoning reinforce one another. It’s important to remember that our observations can often lead to the wrong conclusions.
Yes, we were sexually abused. No, we don’t deserve to be abused. No one deserves to be sexually abused.
Yes, we were not loved by our abusers, but we still deserve love. For goodness sake, everyone deserves love!
We were told that the abuse was our fault, but the only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
We were treated as if we were bad children, but what is a bad child? Isn’t every child capable of goodness and love?
We had destructive relationships, but we can still create healthy ones in our lives today. We deserve loving, supportive, and trustworthy parents, partners, and friends.
We were emotionally abused, but we still deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
Our self-esteem is in need of repair. It’s time to release our fear. As we liberate ourselves from the pain and trauma of our past, we free our minds from the insanity of emotional reasoning. We start to realize that we do not need to shame ourselves. We begin to realize our true worth.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Shame About Who I Am
In the past, I blamed myself for the abuse and believed the lies my abusers told me. They wanted to make me feel guilty and ashamed. They tried to break me down.
At some point I began to believe their lies. I became trapped in a dismal world of self-condemnation. Over time, I started to “shame” and “guilt” myself.
My abusers worked very hard to convince me that the abuse was my fault. They told me that I was a bad child and they forced me to do things that were against my will. Over time, I came to agree with their criticism. I started to feel ashamed and guilty for all the aberrant sexual acts they forced me to perform.
When you are told over and over again that you are a bad person, you begin to believe it. Shame and guilt becomes a downward spiral that destroys your self-esteem.
At some point I reached the conclusion that there must be some terrible defect in my character or personality that had caused others to sexually abuse me. I became skilled at inventing reasons for why I deserved to be abused.
But I am not to blame for what happened. I did not deserve their abuse. I am a precious, wonderful child of God. I deserve to be loved, honored, supported, and treated with respect.
Most adults never sexually abuse a child. When they get angry, they express their anger in a healthy way without abusing or molesting anyone. Most parents discipline their children with respect.
What is it that my abusers wanted? I believe that all abusers are looking for someone to hurt with their anger. I was small and defenseless. They believed they could abuse me without consequence.
A couple of years ago, I married a woman who kept telling me I deserved her abuse. She criticized me on a daily basis, and yelled at me for increasingly trivial reasons. She tried to justify her abuse by claiming that I was “always messing things up.”
This was the first time in my adult life I had been criticized or abused in this way. Had I suddenly become a worthless, incompetent, lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate, messy, loud person overnight? Or was she an abuser? Did she believe that I was the kind of person she could abuse? Did she see the victim in me, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I left the moment I realized she would never admit to her behavior, let alone change it. I left because I had finally had enough of being abused.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #2: Shame About What I’ve Done
I feel ashamed when I hurt myself or someone else, because I know deep inside that abusive behavior is wrong.
I smoked cigarettes for over ten years, and when I quit, I experienced deep feelings of shame and guilt. I finally realized how much I had hurt my body and my self-esteem.
Shame feels like a heavy blanket pressing down on top of me. It’s important to work through my shameful feelings. The first step is to stop blaming myself for the abuse. This shame does not belong to me. I need to come to my senses and give this shame back to my abusers.
The second step is to stop acting in ways that will make me feel ashamed. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I keep hurting myself with drugs and alcohol. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I keep acting out sexually addictive behaviors. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I stay in abusive relationships.
It is not realistic to believe that I can change all of these self-destructive patterns overnight. But by continuing to work on myself, I will overcome them all in time. Eventually, I will feel proud of my actions, my choices, and the direction of my life.
Process Questions
What have I felt guilty or ashamed about? Do I still carry any feelings of shame and guilt?
How does it feel to carry this shame and guilt? (Has it held me back, damaged my self-esteem, prevented me from developing healthy relationships, or fueled my addictions?)
What can I do to release these feelings of shame and guilt?
If my shame or guilt comes from my own behaviors, what can I do differently from now on?
What will it take to forgive myself for the negative behaviors of my past?
How much of this shame and guilt do I need to give back to the person or persons who abused me? Am I ready to give it back?
Chapter 12 – Depression
“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?”
-Jalal ad-Din Rumi
Depression has been described as a combination of anger and sadness. We feel hopeless when we realize there is no way to change our past. We will never be able to go back and erase what happened to us.
Sometimes we feel depressed because we are still in denial about the abuse. We wish we had never been abused, or that we could have prevented it somehow. For survivors of sexual abuse, thoughts and feelings of this kind are normal.
Unfortunately, we do not always express our feelings in a healthy way. We may manipulate others, sabotage ourselves, or become trapped in self-pity. Unhealthy responses to anger and sadness can actually prolong the pain we feel.
We move towards resolution when we allow ourselves to experience our feelings and come to an understanding that the abuse was not our fault. It happens when we stop trying to change our past. When we allow ourselves to cry, to grieve, and to experience our sorrow. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength.
Sometimes our feelings of depression can become crippling. There have been times in my life when I had a hard time getting out of bed. I lost weight, lost interest in life, isolated myself in a one-bedroom apartment, and slept late into the morning. When depression becomes extreme, a condition described by the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as Major Depression, it is important to be willing to try medication.
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