4. Think about the abuse. Was it painful? Were you afraid? What hurt the most? The physical abuse, the emotional pain, the fear, or the betrayal? Cry and release in a safe place if you need to.
5. Think for a moment about how you have treated yourself as a result of the abuse. Have you hurt yourself with addictions? Have you put yourself in unsafe situations? Have you subjected yourself to further abuse? Cry and release in a safe place if you need to.
Stepping Stones to Health
Grieving
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I still carry the pain and grief of my past, but I’m not ready to release it.
_____ 2. I don’t like the pain and grief of my past, yet I’m afraid of crying or letting go.
_____ 3. I have learned that if you bottle up your pain, you will never get past it.
_____ 4. There have been times when I felt so much pain that I couldn’t hold on to it anymore and I cried.
_____ 5. I’m tired of this pain. I’m tired of trying to shut it off with alcohol, drugs, and other addictions. My pain just keeps getting worse.
_____ 6. I have read self-help books or looked for information on how to release my pain.
_____ 7. I am beginning to challenge what I was told as a child about grieving, and whether or not it might be okay to allow myself to cry.
_____ 8. I allowed myself to cry once, and it felt scary. It’s uncomfortable, but it was a relief to get those feelings off my chest.
_____ 9. I allow myself to grieve whenever I need to, and for as long as I need to. I realize that I can release the pain of my past. I am a courageous soul when I allow myself to cry and release my pain.
Exercise 13-2
Letting Go Exercise
The 12-step serenity prayer goes as follows:
“God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Repeat this prayer in your mind while thinking about the things you have difficulty letting go of. Make a list of the things in your life you cannot change. Then make a list of the things you can do something about. Are you doing what you can while still allowing God’s power in your life?
Exercise 13-3
The following exercise is reprinted from the internet. The author is unknown:
To Let Go
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I can’t control another person.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Process Questions
What do I need to let go of?
How does it feel when I hold onto the pain of my past?
What are some of the things I can do to help myself let go? (Crying, journaling, talking to a counselor or friend about my problems or issues, talking into a tape recorder about those issues and playing it back to myself, exercising, repeating the serenity prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous, etc…)
How might my life change if I was able to let go of the past?
Stepping Stones to Health
Letting Go
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I am a control freak, and I have a hard time letting go.
_____ 2. I feel angry a lot, and tend to get caught up in minor problems or issues.
_____ 3. It’s hard for me to let go, and I prefer being in a position of power or control.
_____ 4. I can let go sometimes if it’s an issue that doesn’t affect me very much.
_____ 5. There are some things in life that just aren’t worth worrying about, and I try to let go of those things.
_____ 6. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that there are things in my life I cannot control, and it’s alright.
_____ 7. I am beginning to replace some of my fear with faith. I am starting to believe that things in my life will work out in the way they need to.
_____ 8. I am capable of letting go of the big things in life after I have processed my feelings about them.
_____ 9. I am working on “letting go and letting God.” I take responsibility for the things I can control, and I give everything else to God or my higher power.
Chapter 14 – The Inner Child
“Our inner child needs us, and we need our inner child.”
-Jason Goodwin
A few years ago, I experienced a relationship that really brought out the abused inner child within me. The woman I was with reminded me of my abusers. She was cold and distant. She treated me like a child, and I began to act like one. I found myself feeling needy and afraid of abandonment.
How could this be, I thought? I was a fully-grown adult. Why was this happening and why was I feeling so much pain?
I used to have a hard time believing that there was a part of myself, childlike in nature, that still felt the pain of the abuse. It sounded strange to me or weird, like some sort of therapeutic nonsense.
But it is a mistake to believe that we could have responded to abuse that occurred in our childhood with all the logic and understanding of an adult. If we were children when we were abused, the logic we used to understand the abuse was childlike.
Children often respond to events in their lives with emotion rather than logic. They believe that they are to blame for whatever happens to them, because they think they are the center of the universe. It is difficult for a child to imagine why someone would want to hurt or victimize him/her without good reason. As a result, children often take responsibility for things that are not their fault.
Survivors of abuse often develop fears of abandonment. Sometimes this is because our needs for love and attention were never adequately met. As we grow into adults, we stay in abusive relationships because we are afraid of being abandoned again.
It is logical for a child to believe that he/she will die if he/she loses a relationship with a caregiver. Children are helpless and completely dependent on adults for their survival. But as we grow into adulthood, our fears of abandonment become illogical and self-destructive. As adults, we do not need to accept abuse from others. We do not have to remain in abusive relationships. We have a choice.
Our lives become dysfunctional when we continue to act out unhealthy behavior patterns we learned in childhood. The part of us that smokes cigarettes, drinks alcohol, uses drugs, or is addicted to sex is often child-like in nature. It cares only about the way it feels, and it wants to feel better right now. There is no calculation of the cost and no consideration of the future. This part of us is immature and impatient.
Have you ever watched a smoker who’s gone too long without a cigarette? They get irritable. I know, because I smoked cigarettes for over ten years. The addicted part of us wants our cigarette/pacifier right now.
At a young age, children are driven primarily by emotions. When they feel sad, they cry. When they feel happy, they smile. When they want something, they scream and yell. Children are very aware of their feelings, and they act accordingly.
As adults, we
learn to delay gratification. We learn to consider the future. We come to understand that we sometimes need to make sacrifices today in order to have a better life tomorrow. We develop greater patience and realize that, even if we can’t get all of our needs met this instant, we may be able to fulfill some of our needs in the future.
Our inner child needs us, and we need our inner child. The inner child is the part of us that helps us to have fun. To let down our hair and “boogie” on the dance floor. To feel happy and carefree on a sunny day. To give thanks for the beautiful things in life.
For those of us who were sexually abused as children, our inner child was deeply scarred. This pain is the reason our inner child continues to act out. Sexual abuse often creates a whirlwind of painful emotions that do not go away until we allow ourselves to feel them and release them.
Much of what our inner child feels is grief. My inner child has shed many tears. Neglected or abused children often act out in self-destructive ways. Children experience pain on a very deep level. When a child experiences something traumatic, it may affect them for a very long time. A child who experiences something as traumatic as sexual abuse may struggle with that pain for the rest of his/her life.
At first, you may feel some resistance to working with your inner child. It may seem silly at first. Yes, here I am, talking to myself. No, really, I’m not crazy. I’m just trying to heal every part of me. Yes, there are many different parts of us. Some of them carry a lot of pain.
To make this process easier, I named my inner child Jacob and created a mental picture of what he looked like. I found that, whenever I spoke to Jacob, my mind knew exactly which part of me I was talking to.
This part of me, the child deep inside who endured the pain of sexual abuse, was able to make himself known. He acts out when he is afraid. He feels hurt and abandoned when a relationship doesn’t work out. And he wants to be loved, cared for, and protected just like any other child.
Having compassion for our inner child means having compassion for ourselves. As children, we may have never received the love we wanted. As adults, it is our responsibility to provide ourselves with as much love as we can. It is our responsibility to care for our inner child, the part of us that needs it the most.
At first, my inner child rejected the love I was sending him. He felt so angry and bitter about the abuse. Jacob refused to believe that anyone could possibly love him. He had built up defensive walls to protect himself, and he was not about to let anyone in.
But I continued sending him love, and I repeated kind words to him. Most of the time, he became very upset. He would break down, scream and yell, push me away, or get very angry. He didn’t want to hear it.
But persistence always pays off. I was not about to give up on an abandoned, lonely child within myself.
In the past, I had smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol to try to numb the pain of my childhood. But my addictions only further injured a part of me that already felt a great deal of pain.
So I bombarded Jacob with love, and he responded with tears, screaming, and agony. It was the pain that I needed to release. The pain of sexual abuse escaping from the prison of my mind.
There is nothing I can say to explain how good it feels to allow your pain to pass through you and out of you. Over time, we begin to feel that our pain is slowly destroying us from within. Emotional pain can fuel our addictions and unhealthy behaviors.
It may be scary to face our pain, but it is much worse to avoid it. Every time we cry, a part of us is healed. A part of us is set free. A part of us is reborn. I know from past experience and please believe me. It is better to love your inner child.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Inner Child Work and Abandonment Issues
-The inner child feels:
1. Needy
2. Vulnerable
3. Scared
-The inner child gets:
1. Angry
2. Resentful
3. Sensitive
-The inner child acts:
1. Controlling
2. Manipulative
3. Hostile
-The inner child fears:
1. Abandonment
2. Rejection
3. Physical Pain
My inner child is the part of me that was sexually abused. During the abuse, he felt abandoned by his abusers and abandoned by God. The work I do with my inner child is helping to improve my self-esteem.
When I send my inner child love, I begin to release the pain of my past. My inner child feels afraid. He feels vulnerable when I tell him how much I love him, because love feels so foreign to him.
I need to cry. I need to release my pain. I need to encourage my inner child to say “no” to his abusers. “No, it’s not okay for you to abuse me! I deserve better! I love myself, and what you are doing to me is wrong!”
When I cry and shake with fear, it is because I am finally healing. I will allow my feelings to surface and pass through me.
If the inner child:
-feels needy, vulnerable, or scared: do something to meet his/her needs, make him/her feel safe, and calm his/her fears. Take some time alone, reassure him/her that everything will be okay, or take steps to remove him/her from an unsafe situation.
-gets angry, resentful, or sensitive: remind him/her that you are going to take care of him/her and that you will meet his/her needs from now on. Ask your inner child what he/she wants and needs.
-acts controlling, manipulative, or hostile: ask him/her what’s going on, meet his/her needs immediately, or help him/her let go of what he/she wants to control.
-fears abandonment or rejection: tell him/her that you will always love him/her, that you will never leave him/her, that you will always be there for him/her, and that you will be there no matter what happens. Say the words, “I love my inner child unconditionally” as often as you need to, and take action to take care of yourself.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #2: Inner Child Feelings
My inner child is angry with people for what they did to him. He wants revenge. He wishes there was something he could do to regain his power.
What am I so afraid of?
Sexual abuse. I fear the cruelty of my abusers. My inner child’s feelings come from his desire for control.
How can he learn to let go? By releasing his fear.
And what are some of the fears my inner child needs to release?
1. Fear of pain
2. Fear of betrayal
3. Fear of hatred
4. Fear of powerlessness
5. Fear of death
Pain, betrayal, hatred, powerlessness, and death. These were all directed at me when I was abused. They are the same fears that my abusers held within themselves. I realize now that they were trying to pass their fear on to me.
Don’t be afraid of your fear. Just allow it to pass through you. Allow yourself shake. Allow yourself to let go.
As a child, I was afraid of dying. My feelings of vulnerability were intense. I need to let go of this fear. What will happen if you die, Jacob?
(Inner child voice): I don’t know. I’m really scared.
You can’t die, Jacob. You only move to a new body. A body of light.
(Inner child voice): They told me that if I die, I’ll go to hell. I’ll burn in hell. I’m so afraid of dying.
That was a lie, Jacob. There is no hell. When you die, you go to heaven. You are surrounded by light and love.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #3: Releasing Resentments
My inner child carries a lot of resentment. He’s angry that he didn’t get the respect or encouragement he needed. He’s angry that he had so little control.
He wanted love, safety, and support.
As a child, I felt vulnerable, needy, and afraid. I wanted to be protected from the danger in this world. I felt sensitive to pain. I had just come from God’s loving arms, and I wanted my mother’s loving arms as a replacement.
Those people can’t control you any more. Breathe in the pure love of God. Use it to transform your fears.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #4: Healing the Inner Child
Optional: (Place your hand over your heart or stomach to direct love into yourself. Imagine your inner child. Look at a photograph of yourself as a child if that helps.)
Say: “I am sending deep love and healing into _________ (name of your inner child).”
“I am sending love and healing deep into _________ (name of your inner child).”
“I am sending deep healing and love into _________ (name of your inner child).”
“I am sending healing and love deep into _________ (name of your inner child).”
“I am sending deep love and healing into my inner child.”
“I am sending love and healing deep into my inner child.”
“I am sending deep healing and love into my inner child.”
“I am sending healing and love deep into my inner child.”
“I love you, (name of your inner child). You’re such a good boy/girl!”
“ (name of your inner child), you deserve to be loved. You always deserve to be loved.”
“I love myself as a survivor of sexual abuse.”
Remember, if you find yourself crying or shaking from repeating these statements to yourself, that’s good. It means you are healing. Repeat these statements to your inner child as often as you need to. Remember, a tremendous amount of love is needed to counter a tremendous amount of hate. Love, and a lot of it, is the only thing that will heal our inner child.
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