Personal Journal Entries
Entry#2: Fear of Sexual Abuse
I feel a lot of fear. I am still afraid of the abuse. Sometimes I’m so afraid that I attract people or situations that remind me of the past. I am attracted to women who were sexually abused. I shake with fear and terror when I think about what happened to me. I experience flashbacks and terrifying dreams.
I need to release my fear. I need to allow myself to feel it and let it to pass through me. I don’t want to keep these feelings bottled up inside of me anymore. I don’t want to let this fear control me.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #3: Anger at God
I don’t think God should allow adults to sexually abuse children, because children have no way to stop the abuse. They are so physically, mentally, and emotionally defenseless. The abuser is in a position of total power.
This is completely unjust, the most wrongful injustice there is.
I had no defense against my abusers. I could not cry out, or I would be silenced. I could not object, or I would be cut down. I could not complain, because no one would believe me. Sexual abuse is so unfair, so painful, and so wrong.
The abuse I experienced hurt me on the deepest levels. I’m angry with God, angry with my abusers, and angry at the world.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #4: Anger at People
Today I was wondering why I hate myself so much, and I realized that the answer is “people.”
People can be so cruel to me, so disrespectful or downright abusive. How can I maintain my self-esteem when other people are abusing me?
Even when I’m being good to myself, others can still disrespect me. They can still hurt me. I hate feeling so vulnerable to the actions of others, but what can I do?
At some point in our lives, we all get hurt. Others will always have the power to hurt us, and that’s never going to change. It’s important to remove ourselves from abusive situations because we owe that to ourselves. But sometimes we can’t stop the abuse. Sometimes an abuser is blind to the hurt they cause. Their own mind lies to them. Their denial protects them from the truth of what they are doing. Some abusers live in a self-delusional world where they can do no wrong.
I can’t control my self-esteem because I can’t control the hurtful actions of others. That fact is very discouraging. I’ll never be able to leave an abusive relationship with my self-esteem intact, even if I do everything right. Even if I do everything in my power to protect myself from harm.
Sometimes when I remove myself from an abusive relationship, it’s too late. The damage is already done. My self-esteem is destroyed.
I have to accept that people can hurt me. Yet I can heal my pain when I allow myself to grieve. When bad things happen to me, I can continue to be good to myself and take care of myself. I can begin to love myself again, and work to heal the trauma.
It’s horrible that people can hurt me, but the truth is that I’m human. Sometimes I am going to get hurt. I cannot always prevent bad things from happening to me. I can only help myself to heal.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #5: Low Self-Esteem is a Belief
Low self-esteem is a belief, supported by fear, that having been sexually abused “means” something about me. I have believed that being sexually abused makes me a bad person.
(My wise, inner voice): If you believe you are a bad person, your logic is defective! You are a good person.
Here is my faulty logic:
1. I was sexually abused. Therefore, I deserve to be abused.
2. Nobody loved me. Therefore, I don’t deserve to be loved.
3. I felt abandoned by God. Therefore, God doesn’t love me.
4. I had to do what my abusers forced me to do. Therefore, I am evil.
It may be true that I was sexually abused. It may be true that my abusers did not love me. I did feel abandoned by God, and I did have to do what my abusers forced me to do. But the conclusions I came to about myself were based on circular logic, and they make no sense. They are an attempt to blame myself for the actions of another.
1. Even if I was abused, I still don’t deserve to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused.
2. Just because my abusers didn’t love me doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be loved or that I am unlovable. Being a child of God makes me worthy of all the love this world has to offer. I am special, unique, and important to God, myself, and others.
3. I felt abandoned by God, but God still loves me. God loved me when those things were happening. He/She still loves me today. The love of God will never change, even when it’s hard for me to understand why He/She allowed me to suffer.
4. If I did what my abusers forced me to do, I need to forgive myself for being a scared kid. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to them. What happened is not my fault.
Other people’s actions cannot change who I am. I was a good person when I was born, I was a good person when I was being abused, and I am a good person today. Nothing can ever change the good person inside of me.
Process Questions
How would I rate my self-esteem on a scale of 1-10? What are the reasons it is at that level?
How do I feel about myself right now?
What are some of the things I could start doing right away to improve my self-esteem? (Clean the house, get a haircut, start an exercise program, stop a self-abusive pattern or addiction, talk to someone about the way I feel, start writing about my feelings and beliefs in a journal, enroll in a school or university to get a better career, read positive self-affirmations, get out of the house and start being social again, etc…)
How would my life improve if I had better self-esteem? (Would I have more self-confidence, better communication skills, be more assertive, take better care of myself, develop healthier relationships, or set positive goals for my future?)
Chapter 17 – High Self-Esteem
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Survivors of sexual abuse often feel devalued and disrespected. Some of us were treated as if we were not even human.
In the beginning, most of us resisted the abuse and what it meant for our self-esteem. There was a part of us that thought, “This is wrong and I deserve to be loved.” But that part of us grew weaker over time. That part of us was eventually replaced by another voice. A voice inside our head that said, “I’m a worthless piece of garbage, and I deserve to be abused.”
At the root of our transformation from self-esteem to self-loathing was a desire to understand what was happening to us. Sexual abuse causes a deep conflict within our mind. “Why am I being abused if I’m a good person? Why am I being treated like garbage if I deserve to be treated with respect? Why, why, why?”
“Why are my parents or family members abusing me when they’re supposed to love me? Why is my childhood a horrible nightmare when it’s supposed to be a time for love, safety, and support? Why do I feel so bad when I should feel so good? Why am I so ashamed of my body? Why are my abusers so angry with me? Why do they yell at me, hit me, or rape me?”
Can a child understand? Can anyone understand why some children don’t get the love they deserve?
At first, we may have thought our abusers were omnipotent. They seemed so powerful and in control. At some point, we may have believed that they knew what they were doing. We may have concluded that we were getting what we deserved, or that we must have done something terribly wrong to deserve their abuse.
Blaming ourselves made us feel like we were still in control. It made us feel like we still understood the world. It made us think there was some logic to what was happening to us.
But it was a lie. Our transformation from self-esteem to self-loathing was insidious. When we decided that we were bad, we began to abuse ourselves. We lost our ability to treat ourselves with love and respect. We lost our ability to insist that others treat us well. When we fail to reverse this
destructive, downward spiral, we lose our lives to abuse, addiction, and death.
To reverse this terrible process, we must realize the truth. Being abused is always a question, never a statement of fact. When our abuser told us, “You are a worthless piece of garbage,” what he/she was really saying was, “I want you to believe you are a worthless piece of garbage. Will you believe it?”
Sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse for that matter, is an attack on our self-esteem. In our minds, we hear what our abusers are saying but don’t always realize they are issuing a challenge. It has always been up to us to decide what to believe about ourselves.
An abuser cannot tell us who we are. Sure, they can make our lives hell. They can put us in hellishly painful situations that cause a great deal of emotional damage.
When we were children, most of us could not understand that the abuser was challenging us. Even worse, this challenge may have come from someone who was much older, much stronger, and more powerful than we were at the time.
Yet our failure to understand the nature of this challenge does not change the truth. Abuse is always a question, never a statement of fact. It is a lie. It is an attempt to intimidate and bully us. Our abusers wanted to hurt someone with their anger. Someone whom they believed could not stand up to their abuse. They wanted us to be their victim. They wanted to make us believe that we deserved to be abused.
So they asked us questions that were disguised as fact. Are you a bad child? Do you deserve to be yelled at? Do you deserve to be attacked? Do you deserve to be criticized unfairly?
Do you deserve to be hit? Do you deserve to be raped? Is it your fault that I’m raping you? Is it your fault that I don’t love you? Is it your fault that I won’t support you? Is it your fault that I withhold love and attention until you give me what I want?
Is there something I can say or do to justify my abuse of you? Do you deserve the pain, suffering, and agony I am inflicting upon you? Do I have the right to abuse you because you are my child? Will you be the victim I want you to become?
Questions, questions, and more questions, but not a single statement of fact. Could it be that the answer to all of their implied questions is a resounding “No!” Could it be that we are wonderful, loveable, spiritual, kind souls who deserve all the love this world has to offer?
How did they want us to answer every one of their implied questions? “Yes, yes, and yes.” To get their love, to get their approval, we had to answer “yes.” “Yes, I deserve to be abused. Yes, I’m a bad boy/girl. Yes, it’s okay for you to abuse me. Yes, you have the right to abuse me because I’m your child. Yes, I am bad. Yes, I will be the victim you want me to become.”
Some abusers worked very hard to brainwash us. Every time we said “no” to one of their implied questions, we paid the price. If we said, “No, I don’t deserve to be abused,” they would abuse us even worse and withhold any further love and approval. If we said, “No, I won’t be the person you’re trying to turn me into,” they would work twice as hard to break us down. We learned that we couldn’t win. The only way to survive was to become the person they wanted us to be.
Some of us desperately wanted our abuser’s love and approval. Our longing for love and care made it easier for them to exploit us.
It’s time to realize that it’s all okay. We cannot condemn ourselves for trying to survive. We cannot condemn ourselves for wanting their love and approval. We cannot second-guess the logic of a vulnerable, needy child who was faced with an impossible situation.
But the things we came to believe about ourselves were lies. They were a product of manipulation, terror, and brainwashing. It’s time to question whether anyone deserves to be abused. It’s time to examine the way we choose to treat ourselves. It’s time to discover what we actually deserve as children of God.
To reverse this brainwashing, we must reverse all of the negative beliefs we embraced about ourselves. We need to consciously say “no” to every implied question.
High self-esteem is something that happens when we realize we are good people and we deserve all the good things this world has to offer. Positive beliefs about ourselves translate into positive actions. When we learn to treat ourselves with respect, take care of our needs, and set healthy boundaries, we create strong foundations for our future. Good self-esteem comes from healing sexual abuse.
There are many benefits to good self-esteem. When we like ourselves, we begin to feel more confident. We gain the strength to face life’s challenges. Confidence can help us trust that we will be all right, no matter what happens.
High self-esteem leads to freedom. The more confident we feel, the more we reject abuse in our daily lives. We recognize abusive partners before we get into relationships with them. We stop feeling attracted to abusers. We begin to set healthy boundaries. We begin to reserve our trust for those people who prove worthy of it.
Good self-esteem is a product of our beliefs and our choices. It comes from believing positive things about ourselves. It comes from seeing our past in a realistic way. If we were convinced that the abuse was our fault, we begin to realize the truth. We were good people when we were born, we were good people when we were being abused, and we are still good people today.
One of the obstacles we face is that we are only able to believe those things about ourselves we have the strength to believe. Our abusers did everything in their power to break us down and make us feel weak. They wanted to make us question our worth. They wanted to control us. They tried to take away our physical and emotional safety. They tried to take away our sexual integrity.
They wanted us to feel powerless and afraid. They knew that if they ever allowed us to experience our personal strength and power, we would have used it to defy them and their abuse.
They wanted to keep us weak so we could not make up our own minds about who we were, what we deserved, and why we were being abused. They realized that if they could only break us down enough, they could tell us what to believe. They could tell us that the abuse was our fault or that we were bad. They could tell us that we didn’t deserve any better.
It’s time to nurture the strength inside so we can decide for ourselves what we want to believe.
High self-esteem is the result of positive action. It comes from demonstrating love for ourselves by engaging in good self-care (Chapter 26) and avoiding self-sabotage (Chapter 9). We demonstrate love for ourselves by treating ourselves with kindness and respect.
Inner healing is a process. We need to heal the wounds of our inner child (Chapter 14). We need to release our pain (Chapter 7) and our fear (Chapter 19). We need to reprogram our beliefs about the abuse (Chapter 17), treat ourselves with love and respect, and demand that others treat us well (Chapter 28).
Our self-esteem improves when we nurture the power within us. Without the strength that comes from self-love and self-care, we might never develop the courage to reject the lies of our past.
We are good people. It’s time to build ourselves up physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually so that we have the strength to believe it.
Exercise 17-1
Refuting the Lies
Please read these statements out loud:
1. Abuser: “You are a bad boy/girl.”
Us: “No, I am good. I am a child of God.”
2. Abuser: “You deserve this.”
Us: “No, I don’t deserve your abuse. No one deserves to be abused.”
3. Abuser: “You are a sexual object.”
Us: “No. I am a loveable human being. I am not some object for you to use.”
4. Abuser: “You are powerless.”
Us: “No. I am strong. I can make my own decisions about who I am and what I choose to believe about myself.”
5. Abuser: “You have to do what I say.”
Us: “No. I don’t need you anymore. I needed you as a child, and you abused my trust. Now I love myself, and I will take good care of myself.”
6. Abuser: “What I’m doing to you is
okay.”
Us: “No. It’s not okay for you to abuse me. What you are doing is wrong.”
7. Abuser: “You need to keep this a secret.”
Us: “No. I will tell anyone I need to about the abuse if it will help me to heal.”
8. Abuser: “You are weak.”
Us: “No. I am stronger than your abuse.”
9. Abuser: “I want you to be my victim.”
Us: “No. I will not be your victim.”
10. Abuser: “I’ll love you if you just do what I say.”
Us: “No you won’t. You will continue to abuse me.”
11. Abuser: “I’m doing this because I love you.”
Us: “No, you are only using me.”
12. Abuser: “I am an adult, so I know better than you.”
Us: “No. You are ignorant and cruel. Your actions show me that you know how to abuse me, not that you know how to love me.”
Exercise 17-2
Reprogramming ourselves
Repeat these statements as often as necessary, processing whatever feelings come up:
1. Do I deserve to be yelled at? No. I deserve to be treated with respect.
2. Do I deserve unhealthy criticism? No. I deserve to be complimented on the things I do well and praised for my positive qualities.
3. Do I deserve to be hit? No. I deserve to be safe and free from harm.
4. Do I deserve to be raped? No. I deserve to have my sexual choices respected.
5. Is it my fault that he/she raped me? No. I didn’t do anything to deserve what he/she did. There is nothing I could have done to deserve his/her abuse.
6. Is it my fault that he/she didn’t treat me with love? No. I deserve to be loved. God created me, and “God doesn’t make junk.”
Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Page 12