“My life is not my ministry; Logos Word will go on. But the kids…I don’t know.”
“And then there are the Sanctity of Sisterhood conferences,” Lavon continued. “You’re one of the primary speakers. What will women say about one of their leaders, their examples, getting a divorce?”
“They’ll talk about me like a dog but I can’t worry about that. People talked about Jesus and He knew no sin. And He, not me, should be their example.” Carla went on, almost talking to herself. “That’s part of the problem—putting preachers on pedestals, expecting us to be God. We are all sinners saved by grace. And if I ever fall off the throne somebody has put me on, I’ll be the first one to ask for forgiveness.
“People are quick to judge. They see your glory, but don’t know your story. I’ve sacrificed who I am for ten years, experienced the loneliness, tamped down my natural desires to be physically fulfilled. And I don’t regret it. Stanley’s a good man. He just doesn’t understand intimacy and doesn’t like sex.” Tears welled up in Carla’s eyes as she continued to talk. “I’ve asked him about it, begged at times for us to get counseling.
“But it doesn’t matter. What’s happening now, between you and me, isn’t his fault. I should have pushed harder for me and him to get what you and I have now. But instead I focused on the kids, the church, and now…” Overcome with emotion, Carla couldn’t go on.
“Hey, baby, there now, don’t cry.” Lavon pulled Carla into his arms. “It’s gonna be all right. Everything’s gonna be all right.”
Carla desperately wanted to believe Lavon’s words. But she was a wife, mother, and minister in love with another man. She wondered if anything in her world would ever be all right again.
30
Meetings
Lavon whistled as he walked down the boulevard near the home he’d found to rent in Studio City. He liked the ambiance of the area—cozy enough to elicit a small-town feel but large enough to maintain a city vibe. He especially liked being around the corner from Ventura Boulevard, a main road that featured shops, eateries, theaters, and other convenient businesses.
The surroundings, however, were not the reason for the song in Lavon’s heart or the pep in his step. No, that reason was a woman named Carla Lee. Lavon changed from whistling to singing the lyrics that had rolled around in his head ever since Carla had left his bedroom, a song from one of his favorite artists and fellow Minnesotans, Prince: “Until the end of time, I’ll be there for you; you own my heart and mind…” That, Lavon realized, was at the heart of the matter of his feelings for Carla—he adored her. And he’d do anything to make her happy, and to make her his.
Lavon pondered all this as he walked toward Bistro Garden, a quaint French cuisine restaurant he’d discovered shortly after moving into the area. He’d wanted Carla to join him for dinner but aside from having to get home to her children, she was paranoid about anyone seeing them. It was enough that Passion knew.
Lavon was just entering the restaurant when the loud, continuous blare of a car horn stopped him. Carla! A smile filled Lavon’s face as he turned.
“Hey, you!” Passion said as she ran toward him. When she reached him, she enveloped him in a bear hug, excited, out of breath, and talking a mile a minute. “I thought that was you when I was stopped at the light and saw you walking and I was hoping, praying for that stupid light to change so I could get over here”—Passion stopped and took a deep breath—“and make sure it was really you.”
She looked around. “Are you meeting someone? You looked like you were expecting somebody when you turned around.”
“No!” Lavon said, trying to recover from the shock of seeing Passion. He thought that living in the Valley, a good forty-five minutes from her Leimert Park neighborhood, would ensure they never saw each other.
“My goodness, what are you doing here?”
Lavon cogitated on his answer. To lie was unwise, while the whole truth was unnecessary. He decided to stay somewhere in between. “I’m checking out a job possibility.”
“Really? You’re moving here?” Passion realized too late how excited she sounded. “I mean, that sounds great,” she said a bit more demurely. Just then she remembered how she’d parked her car askew in the restaurant’s valet zone and hit the flashers. She’d told the attendant she’d be right back.
“Oh, dang, I need to move my car. But can I join you for dinner?”
“Well…” Lavon cringed inwardly. How was it, he thought, that the woman he always wanted to be with could not be with him and the one he never wanted to see again always showed up?
“Well, what?” Passion said with a hint of impatience. “Dang, Lavon. It’s just a meal. I asked to eat with you, not for you to eat me. Is there a problem?”
Yes…you, is what he thought. “I guess not,” is what he said.
“Never mind,” Passion said, her countenance changing along with her happy mood. “I don’t have to beg anybody for company.” She turned to leave.
“Wait a minute,” Lavon said, tugging her arm gently. “Don’t be like that. Go park your car while I get us a table. I’ll explain over dinner.”
Just over an hour later, Passion was headed back to her side of town. She unbuttoned the top button of her size-sixteen slacks, feeling the roiling of indigestion. She doubted the discomfort came from the French onion soup or the marinated chicken breast. She was almost positive her sour stomach had come from the conversation during dinner. Lavon, and more specifically his conversation, had made her sick!
Not at first. Things were delicious in the beginning as they’d conversed generally about the various goings-on since Thanksgiving, Lavon’s potential new job, and how everyone at Logos Word anticipated the release of the Eight Keys to Victorious Kingdom Living DVD series at the first of the year. The camaraderie felt as it had when they first met, genuine and comfortable. It was one of the traits that attracted her to Lavon—he kept it real.
But talk of the Kingdom Keys series, and the subsequent talk about church in general and Logos Word in particular changed the vibe at the table. Passion found it odd that Lavon wasn’t planning on attending their church, that he seemed vague about attending church at all. Her pastor immediately came to mind, and when Passion mentioned her, Lavon seemed vague:
“Pastor Carla, that’s my girl!” Passion had exclaimed.
“She’s okay, I guess,” Lavon had responded without enthusiasm.
“She can really preach the Word,” Passion had continued. “She has ministered to so many young women. I know I’ve been blessed from her testimonies.”
“Uh, can you pass the rolls?”
And then he’d switched the subject to Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. Passion belched, rubbed her stomach, and undid another button. She didn’t even like basketball!
Passion wondered about the mystery that was Lavon and his reappearance in LA. Her fingernails tapped on the steering wheel as she waited for the light to change. There was only one way to find out—actually two, and the first attempt had proved less than successful. “I think I’m due for a little ministerial counseling,” Passion said firmly. “It’s time for a little talk with Dr. Lee.”
Passion tossed and turned throughout the night but by morning, she was resolved to get the answers she needed about the nature of Lavon and Carla’s relationship. She went into work early and promptly at nine, left her cubicle and went to an empty conference room to make her call. Carla’s assistant answered on the second ring.
“Thank you for calling Logos Word. Pastor Carla’s office, may I help you?”
“Hi, Jill, it’s Passion, Passion Perkins.”
“Oh, hey, Passion. How are you?”
“I’m good. Yourself?”
“Fine. What can I do for you?”
“Well, this is really short notice but I was hoping to get an appointment with Pastor Carla. Is she going to be in the office today?”
“Yes, she is. Can I tell her what this is in reference to?”
“It’s about
something going on in my personal life. I would really like her counsel on the matter.”
“I’m looking at her schedule just now and she might have an opening this afternoon. Where can I reach you?”
Passion gave her the number and hung up the phone. The ball was now in Pastor Carla’s court. Passion wondered just how the first lady would bounce it.
She only had to wait an hour to find out. Jill called her cell phone and confirmed a two P.M. appointment at the church’s executive offices.
31
Personal Matters
“I’ve never been one to run from problems,” Carla said to Lavon, using her headset as she headed toward Culver City and Logos Word. “I’m sure you’re the personal matter she wants to discuss.”
“I wish I could be there with you,” Lavon said, regretting for the umpteenth time he’d decided to eat out last night instead of ordering a pizza.
“Don’t you think that would raise just a teeny bit of suspicion if you joined me for Ms. Perkins’s counseling session?” Carla teased, trying to lighten the mood. “Besides, you have your hands full becoming the next hotshot producer at MLM Network.”
“What if she asks about us?”
Carla sighed. “I don’t think she’ll do that. I think it will be worse. I think she’ll ask my advice on how to get closer to you.”
“That’s easy…she just has to be you.”
“You know…I like Passion. In a way, I see myself in her. I know what it’s like to be a young, single mother, looking for love, companionship. And then she meets you, gets a taste of Lavon loving, and starts to imagine a life with you in it. Do I have the right, Lavon? Do I have the right to stand in the way of her happiness? I’ve got a man, I’ve got the life she longs for.”
“First of all, you’re not standing in her way. I’m a grown man, well able to make my own choices, and I choose you. Secondly, you might have the life she longs for but what about you? Do you have the life, and more importantly the love, that you need?”
“I do,” Carla answered, feeling miserable and elated at the same time. “I’m talking to him.”
Her comment warmed Lavon all over; he never loved Carla more than that moment. “Well, baby, that’s all you need to remember. Everything else will take care of itself.”
Their conversation ended just as Carla pulled into the church parking lot. She pulled her Mercedes into the reserved spot and went directly to her office.
“Passion!” she said as she rounded the corner of the outer office. She nodded to Jill and looked at her watch. “You’re early,” she added, walking over and giving Passion a hug.
“Sorry, Pastor. I thought it would take longer to get here. I couldn’t believe how light the traffic was.”
“It’s okay, come on in.” Carla turned to Jill. “Anything urgent?” she asked, pointing to a stack of phone messages.
“Nothing that can’t wait until later. Oh, except the reminder about your SOS planning teleconference.”
“Then hold my calls. Thanks, Jill.”
Passion and Carla walked into Carla’s offices and closed the door. The room reflected her bold tastes with pale lavender walls the perfect backdrop for the dramatic ethnic artwork and vibrantly upholstered armchairs done in patterns of red, yellow, purple, green, and blue. Carla pointed Passion toward one of the chairs and, after putting her briefcase and purse behind the desk, came back around to sit in the armchair next to her.
“Would you like something to drink? Coffee, soda, water?”
“No,” Passion answered, nervously twisting the bracelet on her arm. “I’m fine.”
Carla reached out and touched Passion’s arm. “There’s no need to be nervous, darlin’,” she said sincerely. “There’s nothing that can go on in your life that God can’t handle.” She rose up to put her right foot under her left thigh in the chair, a comfortable position that looked like two best friends talking. “Now, what’s on your mind?”
Passion took a deep breath, wondering how to get into this potentially touchy subject. She looked Carla straight in the eye and decided to dive right in. “Lavon Chapman.”
“Okay,” Carla answered, proud of the straight face she kept. “What about him would you like to discuss?”
Passion gave Carla a brief rundown of her and Lavon’s dating experience while he was in town for the Kingdom Keys series taping, and that while she’d told herself to keep it casual, she’d developed deep feelings for him.
“When he left in November,” she continued, “I resigned myself to the fact it was over. I knew he was seeing a woman back in Kansas City. He openly admitted to me his heart was elsewhere. I have to give it to him, he’s never led me on, never talked a game just to…you know…take advantage of me.”
“But even though he’s involved with this woman in Kansas City, you still have feelings for him?”
“That’s the thing, Pastor. He isn’t in Kansas anymore. He’s here, checking out a position with the MLM Network. He’s relocating to Los Angeles! Knowing that has brought all the feelings about him that I’ve tried to bury back to the surface.”
“Have you told him this?”
“Lavon knows how I feel, and at one time, he was feeling me too, I know he was. That’s why I didn’t think things were all that serious with that other woman. You know I believe in the sanctity of sisterhood, Pastor Carla. I’m not one to go around trying to steal somebody else’s man. But Lavon and I, while stopping short of sex, did become intimate. I thought there was a real chance at a relationship with him. But then, just like that, he changed. Said it was over, asked for forgiveness, and told me his heart was elsewhere. But, Pastor, I believe there can be something special between Lavon and me.”
Carla remained calm on the outside but inside, her heart was in turmoil. She knew exactly how Passion felt about Lavon. It was the same way that she herself felt about him. And not just the physical aspect. Lavon treated a woman as if she were a precious jewel. If Passion experienced even a little of the love that Carla enjoyed, wanting more was only natural. There was only one problem: Carla wanted more of that love as well.
“How do you think I can help?” Carla asked softly.
“You can st—I mean…” Passion took a deep breath. “Pastor Carla, is there something going on with you and Lavon?”
Carla was as shocked to hear the question as Passion was to have blurted it out. But there it was, in the open. The proverbial elephant in the room had just raised its trunk and bellowed.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry, Pastor. I know you’re a married woman and I mean no disrespect. But one night…well…when Lavon was staying at the hotel, I went there to give him something and saw y’all together. It seemed rather, you know, not like it was business or whatever.”
“What do you think it was, Passion?”
“I don’t know; that’s why I’m asking. What you do in your personal life is your business, unless it involves Lavon. Then”—Passion’s tone changed and she again looked Carla directly in the eyes—“it becomes my business.”
Carla shifted in her seat, trying to contain the immediate reaction that arose from Passion’s statement. She understood Passion’s anger, but Carla refused to be intimidated.
“I’m not sure I like your tone, Passion, nor your implication.”
“All you have to do is deny that you’re involved with him.”
“No, all I have to do is stay Black and die.”
Passion shot out of her chair. “Uh-huh, I knew it. You are seeing him. Married to a fine, upstanding man like Dr. Lee and sleeping with Lavon!”
Carla tried hard to hold the sistah-girl-neck-rollin’-handon-hip-get-straight-up-out-my-business persona at bay. She did not want the conversation to turn into a confrontation and get out of hand.
“Things are not always as they appear,” Carla said after a pause.
“Did you two compare notes? Lavon said the exact same thing.”
“And no matter what my or any other
woman’s relationship is with Mr. Chapman, your only concern should be his relationship and feelings for you.
“Look, I can understand where you’re coming from, Passion. I’ve been there—a single mother wanting companionship, looking for love. And Lavon Chapman seems like a fine man. But love is a two-way street. You both have to want the relationship for it to work out.”
“Are you seeing him, Pastor Carla?”
“I won’t dignify what you’re implying with an answer. As for your seeing me at Lavon’s hotel, a public place, well, I’m not going to explain, deny, or justify those actions either. I know what Lavon and I discussed…and God knows also.”
“Yeah, but does Dr. Lee know? That’s the question.” Passion yanked her purse off the side table, totally convinced that Carla and Lavon were having an affair. She liked Pastor Carla, but respected and admired Dr. Lee. He didn’t deserve to be mistreated.
Carla stood. “Dr. Lee is my business, Passion, not yours. But I want you to know I do understand where you’re coming from, and I truly hope you find the love you’re after. If you feel that’s with Lavon, then go to him. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. If his is the love that’s meant to be yours, it will happen. If not, then God’s got someone even better for you.”
Passion stared at Carla for a long moment. “You know, Dr. Lee talked about a scripture that says if you have aught with your brother, then go to him, and if that doesn’t work, to the church. I came here, Pastor Carla, because I believe you’re seeing Lavon, and if it weren’t for you, he and I might have a chance at happiness. You didn’t come right out and say you’re seeing him, but you didn’t deny it either. So I’m left to draw my own conclusions. If you are seeing Lavon, it’s not right. And if I ever find out for sure it’s true? I’m not going to keep quiet about it.”
“Do whatever you need to,” Carla responded, realizing the conversation was clearly at its end. She walked to the office door and opened it. “I’ll be praying that everything works out for you.”
A Preacher’s Passion Page 16