by Adele Huxley
Lauren squeezed her eyes shut and fought for composure. “Fine. It’s nice, it’s really nice, but we can’t move back home, you know that.”
“No, I don’t know that. I do know that we could afford to live by ourselves finally, maybe get a dog like you’ve wanted.”
“Seriously? You seriously want to have this conversation right now?” Lauren’s patience was rice paper thin. She was overworked, stressed, and tired of Nick pushing this idea of moving back upstate. She tried desperately to keep her tone in check. “I can’t move back home because I have a job here, a good paying job.”
“You hate your job,” he said, his blue eyes darkening. She could see the muscles in his jaw working.
“It doesn’t matter if I like it or not, it’s good for my career. You know this is the quickest path for me to move ahead. I don’t know why you can’t accept that.”
“It’s not that I can’t accept it... I can’t find any real work here and we could have such a comfortable life back home. It’s so noisy and cramped here, I just don’t see what the debate is.”
“Listen, it’s not my fault you can’t find a job. There’s plenty of work in this city you just have to be willing to do it.”
“I work hard and you know that. I started working at the shop because I wanted to be able to spend time with you. I picked up shifts at the Pony so I could afford to take you out every once in a while. I never see you anymore so maybe all that doesn’t matter anymore.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Lauren could feel her temper flaring.
“It’s true. I never see you. I mean, I get to stare at the back of your head a few hours every night but that’s not quite the same, is it. You’re practically attached to your laptop. Whenever I try to talk about something different, something unrelated to your job, it’s like your eyes glaze over. When was the last time we actually did anything together?”
“What?” she asked incredulously. “We had that brunch on Saturday!”
“Which you ruined by leaving for work!” Their voices grew louder and louder, not quite shouting but not far off.
“That’s not fair. I didn’t ruin anything. It’s not like I made the server crash. It’s not like I knew Parker was gonna be there. I didn’t choose for any of that stuff to happen.”
“No, but you chose to go into work. You choose to let Parker treat you like shit. And look, you’re sitting here working at ten at night. Do you realize tonight was supposed to be date night? Christ, listen to me... I sound like an idiot. I’m literally begging my girlfriend to pay attention to me. ” He shook his head and stared at his kneading hands.
Lauren took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “You literally have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She instantly regretted saying it but it was too late. Nick had gone past being just pissed off; he was full-fledged angry. He punched the mattress and jumped to his feet. “Fine, sure. You know what? Maybe staying here is what’s good for your career but it’s not good for me or for us. I’m not gonna stand here and give you an ultimatum but I’m getting pretty fucking close to one.”
Nick slammed the door to the bedroom and the apartment as he left. Lauren sat staring at the space he’d just left, the bed sheets crumpled and probably still warm. In the years they’d been together they’d never raised their voices like that before. She resisted the urge to fling herself down and bawl. Instead, she choked back the tears, turned back to her laptop, and opened her journal.
June 11th
We just had a huge fight and he left. He’s never done that before. It’s one of the things I’ve always loved about him, that he’ll stay to work out a problem rather than walk away from it. He wanted to talk about going back home again and I just couldn’t deal with it. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like we want such different things from life, especially now. I know it isn’t completely his fault because I haven’t told him what’s been going on but he’s just so dismissive. I don’t know where he gets that from, maybe his dad. It’s like I’m not allowed to be focused on my career. He doesn’t realize that everything he wants, a house to ourselves, a dog, a family, that comfortable life... I can get that if I just work hard enough now. Isn’t that better than scraping by your whole life pretending to be comfortable, pretending you’re happy with next to nothing? I’d rather be rich than have to worry about paying the mortgage on a minimum wage job.
I love him, I really do. I can’t imagine my life without him but maybe it’s time to accept we might want different things. It’s not that I want to stay in New York forever but it’s what staying in New York represents. It’s ambition, it’s drive, it’s everything that Nick doesn’t have. In my darkest moments I actually find myself resenting him. Life would be so much easier for us as a couple if we were more alike... that’s terrible to think and I’d never say it to anyone but I have to admit it to myself...
Ugh, this is so shitty!! I just want to make enough money that I can take care of my family and set us up for the rest of our lives. That’s going to take time and if he can’t handle that... well... we just need to talk.
11.
Lauren scanned the benches on the perimeter of the square, circling the fountain in the center but didn’t see Ali anywhere. She sat at the closest one, next to a young woman with a baby carriage and small brown dog. She looked peaceful, reading on a tablet, her baby snoozing in the shade. Lauren wanted to absorb some of her tranquility. All around them the park buzzed with activity, busy office workers running errands and squeezing in a quick meal on their lunch break. The warm sun filtered through the leaves, dappling the ground in a pretty patchwork of light. Lauren loved the parks and tree-lined streets in the city, tiny oases that popped up along the urban jungle.
She checked the time and rolled her eyes. Ali’s habitual lateness didn’t matter most days but Lauren had an interview scheduled just after lunch. Any other day she could play hooky a little bit longer, but not today. She was almost half finished with her salad when Ali arrived. Her eyes skimmed right over Lauren who couldn’t call out with a mouth full of lettuce. Instead, she waved her hand to catch her attention. Ali huffed and walked briskly over, a relieved look on her face. She was wearing a short blue slip dress that looked gorgeous against her pale skin and dark hair.
“How am I supposed to find you if you don’t sit at our bench?” she asked breathlessly. She pulled free from the tangle of shopping bags that hung from her arms.
“Our bench?” Lauren asked.
“Yes, our bench. That bench over there.” She pointed to an identical bench opposite them where a homeless woman was rifling through her backpack. The ground was littered with piles of her things, probably all she had in the world. “That’s our bench,” she said like it was an accusation.
“It seems to be occupied. Is this bench gonna be okay?”
“Ugh, I suppose,” she said crossing her legs. “Sorry I’m late. The trains were all crammed with people and one of my bags actually got stuck in the door as I was trying to get out. Nightmare.” Her expression brightened as she said, “But I’m glad I get to see you like this! We haven’t had a power lunch in forever. So what’s up? How’s kicks?”
“Could be better to be honest,” Lauren replied taking a big bite of her lunch. She crunched a few times before continuing out the side of her mouth, “Nick and I got into a fight. We haven’t really spoken in a couple days.”
“No shit?”
“Mmmhmmm. Lots of shit, actually. He got all pissed off because I’ve been working so much, which I understand. I really do, but it’s like, what am I supposed to do about it? I’m the only one who makes enough money to support us. I have to work.” There was more than a tint of anger in her voice, which surprised her.
“I’m sure he loved hearing that,” Ali replied. She took a long sip of her iced coffee and held the cold cup against her neck. “You know how sensitive men can get about stuff like that.”
“Of course and I didn’t say it like th
at. Then we really got into it when he brought up the idea of moving.” Lauren could’ve kicked herself. She hadn’t meant to bring that up around Ali but it just slipped out. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the explosion. Great, now my boyfriend’s pissed off with me and my best friend is gonna freak out.
“Moving? Moving where?” she asked in a hushed voice.
“Back to Lake George.” Lauren opened one eye, peeking over to her friend. Ali sat motionless, as if frozen in shock.
“Um, why would you move back there? Are you developing a new app for cows? I thought there wasn’t really anything there for you guys?”
“Well apparently he thinks so. He’s been going behind my back lining up jobs, finding places to live. To be honest, I’ve been trying to avoid this argument for a while now but it’s all just come to the surface. Obviously, I’m not going anywhere,” she patted Ali’s hand.
“Obviously. Oh shit...” Ali said, clamping her hand over her mouth.
“What?”
“No, I really shouldn’t say.” Her eyes went wide and she shook her head. “But it does make sense now. Wow, he really has been going around your back.”
“Ali, seriously. What makes sense now?” Lauren noticed Ali’s was shaking her foot, a nervous tic of hers.
“Listen, none of this really clicked together until you just said something about moving, okay? I swear I wasn’t keeping any of this from you or anything.” Lauren felt her stomach flipflop, a surge of surprise and anxiety tumbling together. Her lunch suddenly felt like a stone in her belly.
“Right...”
“So a while ago, like two or three months ago,” Ali started, shifting on the bench to face Lauren, “Nick sent me an email, which is weird, right? But he explained he was looking to surprise you with a vacation and he wanted my opinion on where would be nice to go. He sent a couple links to places in the Caribbean, Hawaii, nice resort type places, ya know? Really romantic.”
“Okay—we talked about going away to Atlantic City or something but nothing special. We don’t exactly have the money for anything like that.”
“Right, there’s more. Like, a couple weeks before your birthday, he sent me another email asking what kind of jewelery you liked. He said he was terrible at stuff like that, figured I’d know better, and wanted to meet on 47th Street.”
“I’m missing your point. This is all making less sense than before. What does this have to do with moving back home?”
“Sweetie,” she said taking Lauren’s hand, “I think he wants to propose. Looking at fancy vacations, vacations that could easily be honeymoons. Talking about moving back home, getting a house together. Hell, where do clueless men go to buy engagement rings?”
“The diamond district. Oh my god, Ali, seriously? You really think he wants to get married?” Lauren’s mouth suddenly felt parched. Her ears were ringing and the din of the city became faint.
“Don’t freak out, it’s okay. I could be completely wrong. You know how I am, kooky Ali always bumbling things up!” She waved her hands cartoonishly
“Shit, shitty shit. I was thinking about us taking a break and now you’re telling me he’s gonna propose?”
“Well probably not now,” Ali said without thinking. Lauren buried her face in her hands with a groan. “You two just need to talk things out.”
“Yeah, I suppose—” A horrifying thought popped into her mind. As far as she knew, Nick didn’t have any savings so he’d probably be foolish enough to finance it. “Ugh, he didn’t actually buy a ring, did he? Please tell me he didn’t.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. We couldn’t find anything you’d like but he could’ve gone back without me. I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me before now but you’re great together! Do you really want to throw that away?”
“Of course not, but if we’re heading in two different directions I don’t see the point in staying together. It’ll just be worse when we eventually do split.” Lauren tossed the rest of her salad in the bag and sat back, crossing her legs. “I haven’t even really admitted this to myself, but lately it’s felt like we’re more like friends with benefits than anything else. I mean, I love him, I really do but there’s just nothing there anymore. If the sex wasn’t so good we probably would’ve split a long time ago.”
“That’s pretty cynical coming from you,” Ali said, surprised.
“It’s not cynical, it’s pragmatic. He’s always been a great friend but if we can’t offer each other what we need relationship-wise—” Her phone buzzed in her pocket.
Your 1:30 interview is here, should I stall?
“Great, I’m really late. I have to go do this interview and now I don’t think I can keep my head straight.” Lauren’s eyes welled with tears, the world blurring around her.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Ali said rubbing her back. “You’ll see, it’s gonna be fine. Just... don’t move away from me. I’ll follow you and I really don’t want to live in east-bumblefuck New York.”
Lauren laughed despite it all. “I really have to go. Thanks for meeting me. I’ll call you later, okay?” she said rushing away, not waiting for a response.
Lauren’s head was swimming as she walked back to the office. Married?? The thought was ridiculous to her, unbelievable. A small part of her realized she should feel excited but mostly, she was shocked at how vastly different she and Nick were apparently becoming.
How could he possibly think about getting married? We’re way too young, we don’t have any money. We don’t even agree on where we want to live let alone having kids or any other big decisions! Shows how out of touch he really is. Why wouldn’t he just talk to me about it? I mean, we’ve talked about it before, abstractly... this all just feels rushed and not thought out...
She realized with a shock that Josin, the potential employee doing his best to impress her, stood silent, staring at her. He’d completed her last question on the white board, blue dry erase marker in hand, ready for her next set of instructions.
“I’m so sorry. I really was listening, my mind just drifted away.”
“No no, it’s okay. I’m sure you have a hundred things going on at once.” Aw, he’s sweet, she thought.
She shook her head and gestured towards his chair. “It’s okay, enough technical stuff for right now. Why don’t you take a seat and I can tell you a little bit about what it’s like to work here.” Josin sat opposite, fidgeting with the marker under the glass table. He was clever enough but Lauren knew when it comes to small teams, picking the right personality is almost more important than technical skills. A smart person can learn anything given enough time. But it’s nearly impossible to fix an asshole, just look at Parker.
“So, StyleSpur is just about to go into its third year. As you can see, we’ve got a pretty small team here so it’s fast-paced and varied every day. You’d obviously be focusing on the front-end stuff but if we need help on other things, you’d be expected to chip in. I know all startups say this, but we really do have a lot of fun here. Faith, our office manager, keeps the fridge fully stocked with beer and sodas plus she’s always getting us healthy snacks and treats. Lunch is catered every day, so you don’t need to worry about that. No matter how busy we are, we always manage to get in at least a couple rounds of foosball, which you’ll see when I show you around. Every Thursday we even get a couple of therapists to come in and give massages. Plus, we go out together a lot. All in all, this is a really great place to work, especially if you’re moving from a big corporate culture like you are.”
“It sounds amazing,” Josin replied. “It’s exactly what I’m looking for.” It’s funny, Lauren thought to herself, Faith and I are the ones that really make this a good place to work, aside from the salary. And to be honest, if it weren’t for my software, there wouldn’t be much money coming in to pay those salaries. “So you and Parker started it together?”
“No, but I was their very first hire. Parker and his brother are the original founders and they brought me in
shortly after.”
Lauren finished up the interview by showing Josin around the rest of the office and introducing him to some of the staff. As she shut the door after saying goodbye, she stood in the front hallway and looked in. Josh and George were taking turns shooting suction cup darts at a poster of Ryan Gosling, who was the butt of a long running office joke. Faith was fussing over Rochelle, a new intern they’d taken on for a couple months.
As she watched them she realized that yes, it was stressful and yes, she spent a lot of time at work but these people were like a second family. It dawned on her that she wanted StyleSpur to succeed not only for herself but for them too, for their futures. If the company did what she thought it was capable of doing, the lives of all these people could forever be changed and she wanted nothing more than to make that happen. How could she do that married and living back in Lake George? How could she do that if Nick was holding her back?
12.
“Hey,” Lauren said. She stood just behind Nick wanting to reach out and touch his hunched shoulder. “I figured you’d be here. Can I sit?”
“Of course you can sit,” he replied without looking at her. She slipped onto the round barstool. She smiled as Chrissy approached, placing a tumbler of ice water on a coaster in front of her. Lauren could tell from her expression she knew about their fight. Lauren cringed internally, never having been comfortable with people knowing her personal problems. She rested her elbows on the bar and didn’t know where to begin.
“When does your shift start?”
“An hour.” Silence.
“You okay?” she said close to a whisper.
“I’m fine.” He sounded cold, emotionless.
“Where did you sleep last night? You could’ve at least told me. I was worried all night.”
“I crashed at Jose’s place. I can take care of myself without you, you know.”
The two sat for a couple minutes, unspoken words weighing heavy on their tongues. The thick, woolly silence was almost more hurtful than any yelling or insults could be. To Lauren, it felt like they were on the brink of a pivotal conversation, the kind you look back on for years to come, analyzing what was said or could have been. The stillness was like a fan to glowing embers, taking next to nothing to reignite the flames. For twenty minutes they sat next to each other fighting, their voices little more than harsh whispers but their words laced with anger. Around in circles they went, Lauren avoiding the biggest question she had for him. Were you going to ask me to marry you? With a big sigh, she finally held her hand up.