by Alexa Davis
I nodded along like I understood, but really I had no clue. In reality, I’d never had that all consuming passion that sent me crazy. I’d liked guys well enough, I’d been attracted to men, but there was nothing that made me want to tear my clothes off. I never felt like if I didn’t have someone, I would die. I knew that I was missing out on something fundamental in my life, and it really sucked, but I couldn’t create it. Passion was just one of those things – it came from biology. If I hadn’t experienced it, then maybe I was just one of those women who would never get to have that.
“Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Maybe we’ll both meet someone awesome at Lights Out tomorrow night.”
“Yeah, maybe...” Yep, there was no escape. What a freaking nightmare. I really didn’t want to mash my body through throngs of sweating bodies on my night off, but as usual, Nickie would get her way. “We’ll see.”
“Oh come on, Morgan, you’ll love it. You spend too much of your time inside, you’re getting too old for your age,” she whined pitifully. “I meant what I said about you only being twenty six years old. You’re too young to sleep the weekend away, you need to have some fun.”
“I’ve said we’ll see, let’s just leave it at that, okay?”
***
By the time I got home an hour or so later, the exhaustion was almost all consuming. It was a struggle to even keep my eyes open, but that didn’t stop me from seeing the damn state of the place. One of the jobs I always tried to leave myself was cleaning, but I never quite got around it. If only I had more hours in the day.
Still, I could do it on the weekend. I had to.
I slumped on the couch, unable to quite make it to bed, and I thought about the day. I always found it helpful to process before I went to sleep, to stop myself from getting stuck on things. I saw all kinds of terrible things at the hospital: drug addicts who wouldn’t stop using despite the fact that they were killing themselves, the horrifying results of terrible freak accidents, families distressed about what was happening to their loved ones... I didn’t work in the emergency room, but I still saw enough. Dealing with that helped me to recover.
Only this time, I wasn’t really thinking about what had happened at the hospital, I was thinking about the long list of ignored phone calls in my phone. I hated having to ignore her, but I just couldn’t deal. Of course I wanted find love, to get married, to have children... Career woman or not, that was my dream, and having her remind me that I was nowhere near achieving that just hurt.
But I also wanted what Nickie talked about – the passion, the lust, the heart-pounding desire that could only come from being with someone with whom you shared a deep chemistry with.
I’d thought Gary was sexy, but it wasn’t that. I had thought Brad was hot, but sex was something we both could’ve given or taken. It just wasn’t that. I just didn’t feel the need to share all the details like Nickie did about Antonio. I felt like I knew that man far too well, and I hadn’t even met him. Nickie just couldn’t get enough of his body. Sure he was an asshole, but she didn’t look back on their shared time with upset. She just remembered how incredible he was in the sack.
I glanced my eyes over the framed photographs I had dotted around my apartment, noticing how they all told a story. I had plenty of people in my life. I wasn’t lonely, but I still yearned for the whole damn picture. I couldn’t help but want it all...
I needed to force myself up before sadness totally consumed me. I needed to get to bed before I started imagining myself as an old maid. Much as I didn’t like the idea, maybe it was a good thing that Nickie was desperate to drag me out, to have some fun. There were worse things in the world. I was only twenty six...maybe there was more to life than being lazy after work and succumbing to tiredness.
Still, I would have to see because if I was as tired tomorrow as I felt at the moment, then there was no chance of me going anywhere. It took all that I had to raise my weary body off the couch and to drag it through the hallway towards my bedroom. My bed welcomed me with open arms, offering me some much needed comfort, and as I fell into its embrace, I felt that wonderful sense of happiness that could only come from a difficult day finally being over.
Chapter Three
Terrance
Friday
I stood out on the terrace, my eyes scanning the beauty of New York City beneath me. I loved having this view. Glancing down at everyone reminded me of just how powerful and privileged I was. I grasped the glass of wine tightly between my fingers and smiled brightly to myself.
“Oh shit,” I muttered as I smelt a burning coming from the kitchen. “Oops.” I got so lost in the view that I forgot I was cooking myself something to eat.
I grabbed the casserole out of the oven, eyeing the burnt, flailing mess with dismay. Just because I could afford to eat out all the time, I didn’t always want to, especially not by myself. But I sucked at cooking. Still, it wasn’t all about how it looked, maybe it would taste okay...
But as I raised the fork to my mouth and chewed, a bland nothingness was my reward. I sighed deeply and dropped the cutlery, giving up on the idea of eating entirely. I picked my drink back up and returned to the outside world. I couldn’t hear a lot because I was so high up, but some noise was better than none. It helped me to forget that I was alone.
I was never great at being by myself; even as a child. I needed an audience, someone to share my space with. I just didn’t know how to be by myself. That didn’t change as I got older, especially when I learned what my name meant to the world. As I grew and people showered me with affection, I craved it, I needed it more.
Then I lost my dad.
When he died, I couldn’t cope being by myself, even for a second. I needed someone around me at all times. I had to have a body next to me in whatever way possible. That was when I started to really explore what it felt like to have a different woman in my bed every night.
And when Mason died, everything amplified. Losing my brother in such a horrific way wrecked me in every way possible. I hadn’t truly been the same since.
It was lonely being by myself. It gave me too much time to think, and my thoughts were always very dangerous. Once I started remembering everything, I became sad and angry at the world. It reminded me that nothing was really great, and that shitty things happened no matter who you were. The Canton name couldn’t stop you from getting sick or from others doing bad things to you.
“Oh thank God,” I muttered happily as I heard someone knocking at my door. I didn’t even care who it was, only that we had a laugh. “Hey, come in.” The door swung open and I saw Braxton grinning widely back at me. “Oh hey, Braxton, I thought you were away this weekend?” My heart beat faster with happiness at the sight of him.
“Oh, I am, but I’m not going until tomorrow. I thought maybe we could hang out for the day?” He looked a little guilty as he spoke, like he’d been caught out, but I didn’t care. I was just glad not to be by myself with that damn pathetic attempt at cooking. “If you want to, that is? Not if you’re busy, of course.”
I could’ve hugged him, he was like a gift sent from the gods. “That sounds great, what did you have in mind?” Anything outside these four walls. I was itching to escape.
“Anything you want, boss.” He eyed the mess of casserole I had sitting on the kitchen counter. “Maybe we could get something to eat?” He knew I wasn’t much of a cook, but he was doing his best to be tactful.
“Yeah, that sounds cool, let me just get my shit together and we can go.” I was so happy to have someone to talk to, it made the hard outer shell encasing my emotions thaw a bit. “Hold on. Grab a drink or something if you like.”
Braxton smirked at me and yanked a beer out the fridge before settling down on the couch to make himself at home. That guy was my saving grace – he knew exactly what I needed, even if I didn’t. At least now I wasn’t going to be locked indoors, watching the world pass me by.
***
“Well, I have to say that food was better tha
n the piss poor attempt you had sitting out earlier,” Braxton teased and clapped me on the back. “You must feel better after eating that.”
“I feel better being out, I’ll give you that. Now come on, I want to get a new suit for Lights Out tomorrow night.” I felt pumped now, and I wanted to roll with that. What better way than to buy myself something new?
“Oh yeah, because you don’t have, like, a million of them at home.” Braxton rolled his eyes and laughed loudly at me. “Why exactly do you need another one?”
“Don’t give me that, you know I need new clothes to keep me happy, so come on.” As I walked towards my favorite designer store, there was almost a skip in my step. There was something incredible about the buzz of this city. I could’ve lived anywhere in the world but this was the only place I ever wanted to be.
“But why? For Lights Out,I mean?” Braxton eventually caught up with me. “It’s not exactly upscale. If anything it’s a bit of a dive bar.”
“The VIP bit is incredible.” My lips pursed together. I didn’t want to admit that part of the reason I spent so much time there was because it was where I hung out with Mason. Being inside those walls helped me to feel close to the brother I would never get to speak to again. “It’s just as fancy as any of the other clubs in Manhattan.”
“No, it really isn’t.” Of course, Braxton could see right through me. “It’s in a really sketchy place. I don’t like that end of town at all.”
“So what? Everywhere in New York holds potential to be dangerous, what’s the worst that could happen?” I really didn’t get it – there didn’t seem to be any reason for him to be reacting in such an over the top way. I knew he worried about me when he wasn’t around, but I wouldn’t stay in all weekend because he had plans. “Stop being such a worrier.”
“I just wish you’d go somewhere else, that’s all.” He was muttering now, seemingly accepting defeat, which made cold guilt creep through my veins. He was only trying to look out for me, after all; I needed to give him an easier time.
“Lights Out has the best-looking women in the city,” I rationalized. “It’ll be just fine. I’ll be fine. You just worry about looking after your family for the weekend.”
But as we walked, I started thinking. Was I worried about something bad happening to me? Did I ever feel like I might end up the same way as Mason? I didn’t think that concept had ever really occurred to me. I had no idea what had happened to him, but it didn’t seem like something I needed to consider for myself. The police believed it was just a freak thing, a case of mistaken identity or something, nothing to do with the family name.
Luckily, before I got myself tied up in knots, we arrived at the store, and the security guard opened up the door to let us inside. The store had flattering lighting, purple and gold décor, and even a red carpet along the floor. This was the sort of place VIPs like me hung out, the only place to be seen.
“Oh my goodness, it’s Terrance!” my personal shopper, Summer, squealed while clapping her hands together in excitement. “I didn’t know you were coming in today. I don’t recall seeing your name in the appointment book.”
“Oh, I don’t actually have an appointment,” I said regretfully while pulling a stack of bills out my pocket. “But I was hoping you’d squeeze me in.” As I winked at her, I could see her visibly shiver, which meant I was going to get what I wanted. Summer wanted me. I could see that from a mile off, which meant I could get exactly what I wanted.
“Of course, please come this way.”
I glanced back at Braxton, noticing that glazed over look in his eyes. “Oh, and can you get my friend a drink? He looks incredibly thirsty to me.”
Summer raced about getting me exactly what I asked for, which made me feel special. She grabbed suits that would practically feel sculpted to my body from the shelf and ordered one of the other shoppers to look after Braxton. Again, I would always share my power with him. Braxton truly deserved it. He’d seen me in my good times and at my lowest ebb. I trusted that man with my life all the damn time.
“Now,” Summer announced breathlessly as she slid into the changing room with me. “I have the clothes I think you’ll like, but please tell me if there is anything else you need.”
She shot me a look which made her meaning clear, and in all honesty it would’ve been so easy to just go through with it. She was here, practically begging for it, and extremely sexy, too, with her red wavy hair, a plunging cleavage, and curves in all the right places...
But I couldn’t. I needed her for another part of my life. I couldn’t give up this store. Plus, I already knew too much about her. Maybe she had this fantasy of me falling head-over-heels in love with her, that I’d bring her into my life and we’d live a happy ever after. She just didn’t know that was never going to be me, so unfortunately, I had to reject her.
“Thank you, Summer. I’ll call you in if I need you.”
She looked disappointed as she left me alone, but thankfully wasn’t mad. I didn’t think she had the capacity to be angry, actually... Maybe she was the sort of woman that’d be right for Braxton. If he could give up the true love bullshit for a while and just enjoy himself, then I could start finding him someone like Summer to have fun with.
I tugged the first suit up over my body, liking the way it curved around me. It clung to my skin in a comforting way, which was how I knew it was right. I examined my reflection in the mirror, running my fingers through my light brown hair, checking out my high cheekbones and bright green eyes. It looked good on me, and I knew it would have all the women flocking to my side. When I looked wealthy, they just couldn’t keep away. Like flies on shit.
“What do you think?” I flung the curtain over and posed in a teasing way at Braxton, who rolled his eyes and laughed at me. “Do I look like a supermodel or what?”
“Or what!” he exclaimed happily. “No, you look good. Far too good for Lights Out. You should be hanging out somewhere much nicer when you’re by yourself...”
I slid the curtain closed again, blocking out his negativity. There was just no need for it, and I didn’t want to hear it anymore. Braxton had given me his opinion, and I had chosen to ignore it. Why couldn’t that just be the end of it? I couldn’t wait to get out, to have fun... Nothing could go wrong – not for me.
Chapter Four
Morgan
Friday
“Okay, Mr. Jones?” I smiled at the elderly patient who had his arm in my hand, trusting me with his life. “You will feel a sharp prick as the needle goes in, alright?”
“I know, I know,” he teased me a little gruffly, trying to cover up any internal distress. “This isn’t exactly my first blood test now, is it?”
“No, I suppose not.” That was one of the issues with having a long-term condition – you got sick of being at the hospital, of going through the same rigmarole over and over again. “I’m just telling you to keep you distracted, really.”
I ran my fingers over his vein, searching for the right place, before sliding the needle into his arm. He winced, feeling the prick, but to his credit, he didn’t moan. Taking blood was one of the more unpleasant tasks I had to do, mainly because people didn’t like it.
“Are you done?” Mr. Jones asked me sounding pained.
I pressed the cotton wool onto the area, stopping the bleeding with a reassuring smile on my face. “Yes, I’m done. You can go back to the waiting area now; the doctor will call you in as soon as she’s ready. As far as I’m aware, she’s running a little behind today, but she’ll get to you as soon as she can.”
“How long until the results are ready?” The question I got a million times a day when I was on blood duty. It was exhausting, but I understood. They needed to know what was going on far quicker than we were able to do.
“I don’t know. It depends how busy they are in the testing center,” I told him regretfully. “I’m sure they’ll get it done as quickly as possible.”
I showed him out the office, to see Nickie trying to grab
my attention. She was waving wildly at me from the other end of the waiting room, which was the only reason I didn’t immediately go to grab the next patient right away. Maybe something had happened that I needed to know about. I raced towards her, a tight knot of panic forming in my chest.
“What’s going on?” I hissed quietly. “Is everything okay?” Sometimes it was incredibly challenging to maintain confidentiality in a place where you couldn’t get a moment alone. “What do you need? What can I do?”
“Oh, nothing work related, you don’t have to worry about that.” She waved her hands above her hair as if it was ludicrous I’d even think that. “I wanted to talk to you about tonight.”
I rolled my eyes, anger careering through my veins. “Are you serious? I have patients waiting for me.” Did she not get it? Did she not stress about the feelings of others? Was that why I was always the one who ended up looking haggard?
“They can wait a few moments longer. I just wanted to tell you that Lights Out is cancelled for tonight-”
“Oh, thank God!” I already knew that I was far too tired for it. At least now I was saved the indignity of having to be a disappointment.
“Because we’re going with a group of others tomorrow. The girls from maternity want to come out.”
Oh God. The girls from maternity were a nightmare with their horror stories about giving birth. They’d seen it all, heard it all, and didn’t care about sharing that. It was bad enough not having a child of my own, but hearing them rattle on about the blood and the gore, plus the tragedies that it seemed they saw far too much, it was just a bit too much...
“Well, you don’t need me to come, then,” I tried.
“No, of course I do. It won’t be as fun without you. Plus, it’s my birthday.”