by Alexa Davis
“No,” I replied quietly. “But I’ll tell you all about it later. I’m going to take the day off work today, I don’t really feel like it. You can either stay here and hang out for the day, or go home if you have plans with your new man…”
“No, I’ll stay. I’m too intrigued to go anywhere!” she replied joyfully, seemingly happy to have the day to gossip with me, too.
“Okay,” I smiled happily, glad to have someone to talk to. “I’m just gunna pop to the shop to put a note up in the window, then I’ll pick up some supplies.”
As I walked outside and the brisk air hit me in the face, and I forced that fake happy expression back in place. I didn’t want anyone to ask me questions, I didn’t want people to even ask if I was okay…and Florence was a small town where everyone knew everyone so there wasn’t much chance of me not bumping into anyone. I just had to hold it together, just for a little while longer.
“Hey there, Annie,” someone called out. “How are you?”
Oh God, that question that had the potential to have me falling apart. “I’m fine,” I replied through gritted teeth. “Thank you, how are you?”
“Oh, good, you know how it is…”
I had to go. I needed to get out of there before the tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was barely holding to together anyway. I missed Justin a whole lot and that was only just coming to the surface, so I made the international “I’m busy” gesture before heading on my way. I felt a little rude, but it was essential.
I got home with bags of goodies under my arms. I went into the supermarket for ice cream, but ended up buying all sorts. We all needed a day out to veg and eat crap, anyway, so I was sure it’d be fine. I didn’t think the others would complain too much!
“Mommy, we’ve picked a movie!” Rae bounded over to me. “One about a princess!”
“Perfect,” I smiled back and ruffled her hair. “Get it all set up then.”
Once the film had started and Rae was lost in the plotline, Nancy and I sneaked into the kitchen for a quick, quiet coffee and a private chat. “So, how are things with you?” I whispered, wanting to hear about her first of all. I needed the distraction, to be totally honest! “What’s going on with your new man?”
“He’s good,” she smiled happily. “He treats me like a princess – you’ll have to meet him soon. I really do think that you’ll love him.”
“Ooh, you’re finally ready to unleash me on him. It must be serious then,” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively at her. “Marriage will be on the cards next.”
She blushed so brightly that I actually started to think that they might already be engaged. “I don’t know about that,” she said coyly. “But he is amazing. I’ve never felt this way before. He’s just really incredible, different to anyone that I’ve ever dated before. Anyway, we can’t get too lost in this. You need to tell me what’s going on with you?”
She shook her head quickly, as if she was afraid of hurting my feelings with her story of love. To be honest, I was a little jealous. Her story seemed so simple! No complications at all. Why couldn’t I get so lucky?
I sighed deeply, hating stealing focus, but I also needed to get some of this off my chest. “Well, as you know, I went to Portland on the weekend—”
“Ooh yeah, for your business deal. How did that go?”
“Well, not good. I turned the investment down; his company needed too much from me, more than I was willing to give. It’s sad to say goodbye to my dream for the time being, but I feel good about my decision. I think it would have been a mistake to sign those documents. I’m not too worried about that,” I told her confidently.
“What’s going on then? Something has you upset.”
I bit down on my lip hard, trying to keep the tears inside. “Things happened with me and Justin, and it made me realize just how much I like him.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…” Nancy stopped me in my tracks. “What happened? I need details. You can’t just end a story like that. Did you sleep together? Was he amazing?”
“Yes and yes,” I smiled a little at my friend’s upfront line of questioning. “And, I was starting to get the impression that we might actually become something serious, but then there was an incident with his brother.”
“There was?” She was gripped by my story, and I had to admit that from her point of view it was probably really interesting.
“Yeah, he got locked up and Justin had to go and sort him out.”
“What happened?” she gasped, totally surprised.
“Well, I think he’s a bit of a nightmare at the best of times – drinking loads, partying like crazy, relying too much on Justin.”
“What did he get locked up for?”
I hadn't wanted to talk about this part with anyone before, but with Nancy, I finally felt comfortable. “Drunk driving,” I whispered, unable to meet her eyes. The fact that she stayed silent proved how stunned she was by this. She simply didn’t know what to say, which was a bit like how I felt. “Yeah, so that dragged Justin away, and to be honest, we’ve barely spoken since. I don’t know where we stand.”
“Well that is pretty heavy; he’s probably tied up in all kinds of things,” she did her best to reassure me.
“Too busy to make a call or to send a text?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders to at least attempt to act blasé about the whole thing. “I don’t know, maybe this will all take his attention up for so long that he’ll forget about me.”
“I don’t know about that,” she smiled. “You’re pretty unforgettable.”
I didn’t agree with that. I was plain, and a little boring. I didn’t feel like there was anything exciting enough about me to keep Justin’s interest.
“Mom, Nancy, where are you?” came the bellow from the other room, dragging us back in to watch the end of the movie.
***
“Thanks for coming over today; that was lots of fun.” I hugged Nancy goodbye as a murky darkness fell over the town. “I appreciate having you here.”
“It’s okay, and just give Justin some space. He’ll come back to you, okay?”
“Sure,” I replied half-heartedly. I wouldn’t call Justin again because I didn’t want to come across as a stalker, so I’d be giving him all the space in the world. It was the coming back to me bit that I wasn’t too sure of. “Thanks for the advice, and let me know when you want me to meet your new man.”
“Will do.”
As she walked away, I felt hollow and empty, even worse than before. If I’d thought that I would feel better after sharing my feelings, I was wrong. To be honest, all that I’d done was make it more real.
The way that Nancy couldn’t say anything when I mentioned the whole drunk-driving thing proved that she could see what I could. She could see that this was a faint echo of what had happened to me in the past, that a small part of what had happened with Rae’s dad was coming back to haunt me…
No, I couldn’t think about him, not now. Not when I was close to falling apart, anyway.
“Mommy, can you come and tuck me in please?” Rae called from upstairs, acting like she was in her own bed for a change. At least I had her – at least I had that distraction. Without her, I might have damn well fallen into a heap on the ground and sobbed.
“Coming!”
I held my daughter close to me, allowing her warmth to comfort me. My past might have been bad, I might have gone through some terrible times, but at least my daughter had come out of it. I could get through all the sadness, all the heartbreak with her.
But that just made me feel even worse for Justin. He didn’t have anyone to get him through; his mom had killed herself, his dad had died…Garrett was all that he had left, and now it looked like he was going to lose him, too.
That could go one of two ways. Justin could relish not having someone relying so heavily on him, it could make his business grow and his life improve massively, or it could send him spiraling downwards into a negative path of self-destruction. I wanted to help him, t
o be there for him, to try to ensure that didn’t happen, but I couldn’t be if he wouldn’t let me. I lived too far away to force myself into his life.
I grabbed my phone and glanced at the screen with a heavy heart, noticing no missed calls, just as I suspected. I scrolled through our old messages, even considering deleting them to stop them from hurting my heart anymore, but I just couldn’t quite make myself do it. Even if I didn’t want to be, even if I felt like I was only going to end up with a broken heart, I couldn’t stop myself from hoping that it would all be okay in the end.
Maybe Nancy was right, maybe some space would do it…
I could hope, anyway.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Justin – Saturday
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t want to hit the bottle, it felt like the wrong thing to do, but if everyone else could drink away their problems, then why the fuck couldn’t I?
The more that time went on, the more my brain got all tangled up in knots and I got really worked up about everything.
Things with Garrett weren’t looking good, at all. I kept communicating with his lawyer and learned Garrett’s obstinate attitude was making things worse for him. If he didn’t start to show some remorse sometime soon, he was going to get himself locked up for a very long time. But there wasn’t anything I could do about that; everything I said just made him worse. I wanted to get through to him, I wanted to make him understand, but I couldn’t see that happening ever.
Then there was this whole mess that I’d gotten myself into with Annie. I wanted to call her, I needed to hear her voice, but I couldn’t quite make myself do it. Every time I picked up my phone, I thought about my mom in the hospital, depressed and suicidal. I considered Dad cheating on her over and over again without a second thought. I’d gotten way past the stage where I didn’t want to believe that anymore, and now I’d simply accepted it as fact.
Finding the suicide note must have been the reason that Garrett went off the rails; it explained why he didn’t care about his life and why he was always such a dick to Dad.
I didn’t want to become that, but Garrett probably didn’t want to become like Mom, either.
“The Gains gene is a bad one.”
Urgh, but I still wanted to talk to Annie, even if I didn’t deserve her. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I hated letting her go.
I adored her slightly wavy, light-brown hair, her warm, loving eyes, that bright smile that I couldn’t get enough of. I missed the feel of her in my arms, the way that she made me feel right, happy, complete. If only things were normal, if only I could just be with her, if only I hadn't come from such a shit-storm of a family.
I couldn’t call her now anyway. I’d left it far too long. If I returned her call now, I would have lots of explaining to do, and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for that. I didn’t think that I’d be able to explain myself coherently enough to make her understand and forgive me.
No, I would have to let her go, instead.
I grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet, having reached the mental end of my tether, and I poured myself a drink. An angry, black cloud had settled over me, and there was only one thing that could shake it.
As the warm liquid slid down my throat, I felt an instant sense of relief. This was what I’d been needing the entire time; resisting had been futile. Now that I’d taken that one step over the line, I didn’t think I’d stop until I could shut my thoughts off completely. I didn’t want to think anymore, about any of it, and this was the best way to achieve that.
It took less than a second for the first drink to go, after which I instantly poured another. My behavior was bad, this could only end terribly, but I no longer cared…
***
The music thumped loudly, vibrating through my whole body. This club wasn’t the sort of place I would normally frequent as the target audience was far too young for my liking – some of the people inside the place were just kids – but I wasn’t thinking straight. All I wanted to do was drink some more, so when the bar I vaguely remembered being in closed, I headed to the nearest place I could get my hands on some more booze.
“Fucking hell,” I called out angrily as I saw the line to the bar. “For fuck’s sake.”
“The lines in these places are always far too long, aren’t they?” a female voice called into my ear. “It always makes me wonder why they haven’t come up with a solution to that problem yet.”
I turned to face her, instantly pegging her as a chick out on the prowl. I could tell by the fact that she was alone, having probably ditched her group of friends the moment they got into the club, but also by her outfit.
Her dress was slightly too tight, showing off impressive cleavage, one I assumed was probably created by a doctor somewhere. Then there was her brassy-blonde hair, and her very heavy makeup, making it very difficult to tell her age. She was kind of hot, in a weird way, and maybe she would be good-looking under all of that façade, but I just wasn’t really interested. I’d met a natural beauty who had completely changed my perception on everything.
Still, there wasn’t any reason to be rude. “I know what you mean, it’s a fucking mess,” I growled back. “Pisses me off when I can’t just get into a place and get a drink.”
As the line moved slowly, we moaned about everything negative about clubs, and surprisingly, she actually had me laughing. Through my drunken state, she was actually good company, and I was glad to have her by my side. So when someone bumped into her accidently, spilling a drink down her dress, I felt my red hot, irrational temper boiling up.
“What the fuck, man!” I yelled as he did his best to apologize. “Why don’t you watch where you’re fucking going?”
“It’s okay,” she tried to tell me, but she was soaking now and I was furious. We hadn't been waiting in this shitty line for nearly an hour just for that to happen.
“No,” I grabbed the guy by the scruff of his neck. “You’re an asshole. You don’t ever tip drinks down people. I think you did it on purpose.” I was acting like a fucking idiot, but I could hardly see it through the fog of booze.
“I…I…I’m sorry…” he stammered, fear written all over his face. This guy was a kid compared to me, but that still didn’t stop me. I couldn’t fight the person I wanted to, so I would have to take it out on this dick.
But just as I pulled my fist back, ready to hit him square in the face, a couple of burly bouncers dragged me off of him and tossed me to one side. I tried to struggle against them, but they were too strong and I was too drunk, so in the end, I gave up and allowed them to throw me outside.
As my body hit the ground, I found myself at a new low. Wasted and lying in the gutter. I was almost tempted to stay there, until I head a familiar voice speaking to me.
“Come on,” the woman from the bar must have followed me outside. “Let’s get you home.”
“No, I’ll get a cab,” I shot back a little nastily. I just didn’t want any sympathy right now. “Don’t worry about it, you go back in there and enjoy yourself.”
“I’m soaking wet, fed up, and I haven’t even had a drink yet. Let me drive you home, just to say thank you. Your actions might have been questionable, but your intentions were honorable. Let me pay you back for that.”
I wasn’t totally sure that my intentions were honorable, but it was either leave with this woman or continue to lie in the gutter, and I really wanted to go home.
“I’m Helen, by the way,” she told me as she led me to her car. “I just realized that we never exchanged names.”
“Justin,” I replied, before sleepily relaying my address, too. Then I slumped into the passenger’s seat of her car and allowed my eyes to slip shut. I needed to sleep now, to forget, and that was exactly what I intended to do…
***
“Justin? Justin?” I woke up to the sound of a stranger’s voice waking me up. I stirred and forced my blurry eyes open to find myself looking at a face I vaguely recogni
zed. I knew where she was from, I was aware that I’d met her at the club before I made a total ass out of myself, but she looked different somehow.
“Oh, thank you…” Nope, I couldn’t remember her name; there was no point in even trying. “I appreciate it.”
I staggered out of the car, proving that I was still a mess, which caused her to tuck herself under my arm to lead me inside. I had the sense that she was coming in for a reason, and that could have been because of my money, but I was too drunk to refuse her.
“Now, do you want water or anything?” she asked kindly. I nodded, too worn out to tell her that all I wanted was to be alone. “Can I get anything else for you? Do you need food?”
“No, thank you,” I finally managed to rasp out. “I’m okay now.”
Oh God, did I really just almost have a fight in the club? I hadn't ever had a physical fight in my life, except for with Garrett when we were kids, so I probably would have ended up with my ass kicked, anyway. What a fucking idiot.
“Well, thank you again for saving me,” she smiled, sitting far too close to me. She was making herself comfortable and at home, which meant she didn’t intend to go anywhere any time soon. “That was really kind of you.”
Lust floated behind her eyes, she wanted to screw me, and in all honesty, I was just about drunk enough to let it happen. If I was like my father, then maybe it was time to start acting like it. Maybe I should be more like Garrett, bringing home different girls every night. Maybe it would be hollow, but it’d be satisfying, too.
“You’re welcome,” I replied, forcing a smile on my face. I allowed my hand to move forward to touch her thigh, but the second my skin connected with hers, I remembered the last time I was in bed with someone – when there were feelings involved and it really mattered. I jumped backwards, as if I’d been electrocuted.