by Alexa Davis
“You really shouldn’t have handed your notice in,” Mom replied in a stern voice. “I never wanted you to do that. I can handle this on my own, you know. I’m a big girl. You have a life in New York and I don't want you to have to-”
“Oh shush, Mom,” I scolded her. “Don’t be so silly. I want to do this; I have to do this.” She remained silent, which made me feel like I had to defend myself further. “Everything is already done now, anyway. I have a job interview set up already, my flight on Saturday is paid for, I’ve already organized the movers... I’m coming home, Mom.”
I was just glad that when Mom had left Florence, she didn’t sell our family home. She rented it out with the thought that she might return there one day, and now that day had come. It meant I would still have somewhere to stay while I got myself sorted.
I was both keen and nervous to return to my childhood bedroom. Sure, everything had been stored in the attic while other people stayed in the house, but it wouldn’t take long to have that all back out again. It would be back to normal soon enough.
“I understand all of that,” Mom said in her overly patient tone of voice; the one that she knew drove me crazy. “But you can make more money where you are; for your career, you are much better off in New York.”
“Mom, not everything is about money. I’m doing what I want to do, and nothing you can say will change my mind.”
“Even if I refuse to let you in the house?” she joked. “Will you live outside with all your stuff?”
“You know it!” I laughed, finally reaching my apartment.
As I stepped inside, it hit me again how much I had to do. Over the years, I had managed to acquire a whole lot of stuff and boxing all of that up was going to be a real pain in the ass.
“Okay, well, I’ll call you tomorrow,” Mom finally said. “After my appointment. I’ll be going to see the doctor in Florence tomorrow, a new guy to see what he suggests. I think his name is Doctor Turner.”
Turner?
That name struck a cold, hard fear into my heart. It was the one name that I didn’t want to hear, especially in association with Florence. It was a small place. There was only one family with that name, and only one man that I knew was heading into the medical profession. It seemed like he’d achieved his goal.
If my mom was going to see Matthew Turner, that meant that he was still living there. It was unlikely I would be able to avoid him in such a small place, and that was even truer considering I wanted to go with my mother to her appointments. I wanted to understand more about what was going on with her.
It seemed like I was going to have to simply suck it up and get the hell on with it. It wasn't about me and him anymore – and it never would be again.
That was all ancient news, stuff that had happened years ago. I’d moved past it and simply gotten on with my life. Seeing him would be a bummer, but that was it. I could handle it no problem now... Well, I was going to have to. I didn’t have a choice anymore.
“Yeah, okay, Mom,” I replied distractedly. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow. You take care of yourself, all right? Love you.”
“And you. Love you, too.”
As soon as she hung up the phone, I slumped onto my couch while my mind reeled. Despite the fact that I didn’t really want to think about him, I couldn't damn well help myself now. I suppose that I needed to come to terms with the past a little more anyway, especially when I was about to be faced with it.
Matthew Turner...
What the hell was it going to be like seeing him again? The last time we’d spoken to one another, it had been very bitter and angry, so it would be interesting to see if that was still there. Would he have simply gotten over it and moved on, or would there be a small part of him that just couldn't let it go? I wasn't sure exactly which category I fit into, and that was something I didn’t want to examine too closely.
I thought for a second about our past and how we’d ended up how we did, and it made my heart flutter a little too excitedly. When I moved to Florence and nervously joined a new school, I didn’t think that I would end up with any friends. As a very awkward preteen, I had assumed I was far too old to meet new people, so of course, that negative mindset transcended into my body language from the get go. Because I didn’t think that anyone would want to speak to me, I shut myself off, which in turn meant no one did.
Well, except for Matthew.
He sat next to me in math class and instantly made a joke about my hair. It was something so stupid, something so small and insignificant that I couldn't even remember what it was now, but it had made me laugh. It broke the ice and helped me to thaw enough to let him in.
We became firm friends, almost inseparable, which was awesome. In my old school, I’d only ever been friends with girls, so it was a brand new, intoxicating world for me. I fell hard and fast for Matthew, there was no doubt about that, but I did my best to push all those feelings down to allow me to continue being his friend.
Of course, it didn’t exactly work out as well as I’d hoped in the end, but I did try my best.
He was cute even then. He had short, brown hair, hazel-colored eyes, and dimples that cropped up every time he smiled. It certainly wasn't only me who noticed his gorgeousness, which made me wonder where he might be now. He could have a girlfriend, or even a wife. Maybe even kids... I knew he always wanted to be a father, so that was possible. How would I feel if I spotted him in the supermarket or something with a family in tow? Would it bother me? Would I wish that it was me be his side? Or would I simply see him as just another person? I wondered.
Since I’d left, I hadn’t tried to get in contact with him, not even with the explosion of social media. Sure, the temptation to look him up on Facebook had cropped up from time to time, particularly after a few glasses of wine with the girls, and once after a particularly bad day with a man named Buzz who always referred to himself in the third person, but it wasn't an urge that I’d ever followed through on. I just never knew where it was going to end up leading, and that scared me enough to keep me away.
When I left, I told myself that I would put it all in a box at the back of my mind, and that I would never, ever think of it again. I’d always tried to stay true to that promise. When someone tore your heart out, splitting your chest apart, you don't want to go back to that.
Yet here I was, doing just that.
I sighed deeply to myself and stood up, making the decision to start packing. I couldn't simply sit around and feel sorry for myself, not when I still had so much to do. I needed to get all the shit organized and wrapped properly so the movers didn’t have to do a lot.
It had to be better than thinking about damn Matthew Turner anyway. Anything was better than that.
I decided to pack my bookshelf up first, figuring it would be a good, easy place to start, but I quickly realized just how wrong I was. Not only did I have more books than any person should ever need in their whole damn lives, but I also had some that took me right back into the past. Books I didn’t even realize I had there with me, such as my high school yearbook.
Despite the warning bells ringing loudly in my brain, I flicked through the pages quickly, already knowing the image I was looking for, and soon enough, I found it. My fingers ran lightly across the picture as I drank it all in. It was me, sitting on Matthew’s back, and we were both laughing wildly at something he’d just said. I loved the picture because it was filled with a pure, carefree joy, but it was also a little sad, too, because now with hindsight, I knew where this would end up.
That love in my eyes, that hope in my heart, it would all be dashed soon enough, and that was bittersweet.
I rolled my eyes and slammed the book shut, a hot fire coursing through my body. This was just fucking great; already I was a mess and I hadn’t even seen him yet.
Chapter Five
Matthew
Friday Morning
I arrived at the office a little before my shift because I had some papers to go through, particularly the
details with regards to Peggy’s case. I wanted to go through it alone to ensure my head was going to be in the right place when I eventually saw her.
I was sure that she would remember me, and that we would have to have some sort of conversation about the past, but I wanted the majority of what we discussed to be medical, and for that, I needed to be professional. Allowing my emotions to interfere with an appointment wasn't something I’d ever done before, and I certainly didn’t want to start now.
But as I walked through the door, I quickly found I wasn't alone and the girl I’d been with only a few short hours before was standing in the waiting area, looking through some information herself.
“You’re here early,” I joked, trying my best to cover up my shock. “Everything okay?”
She spun her head around to look at me, shooting me something of a strained smile. It was very different to the feisty smirk she’d been giving me while she rode me hard last night.
“I thought I would just sleep here since your no sleep over policy left me out on the streets at 2 a.m.” There was a joking tone to her voice, but I could tell there was a serious issue there. She’d made comments like that before, but I wasn't about to change my mind.
I had the policy because I wanted to keep everything clear between me and the women I hooked up with, and I felt that was especially important with Terri considering we were a little more of a long-term thing. I just didn’t want her to ever get the impression that I was growing feelings for her because I never wanted to lead her on.
I might have been something of a player, but I certainly wasn't a horrible guy.
“Rules are rules, Terri; I don’t make them, I just follow them.” I winked at her as I made that stupid comment, before turning to walk away.
“Before you go,” she called out, making my heart sink. I didn’t need a serious talk right then – or ever. “I have the information here regarding your new patient, Peggy Baker. She’ll be here at 8 a.m.”
“Thank you,” I replied stiffly, taking the information from her. Just that reminder from an outside source about Peggy, just hearing the name Baker said by someone else, hit me like a ton of bricks and my brain started to flicker back to a place it hadn’t been in years.
I remembered the first time I laid eyes on Ashlee Baker as a twelve-year-old boy just on the brink of getting an overwhelming rush of hormones. Puberty was on its way and my body seemed to be aware of that, so when this sweet, quiet girl, with curly, light-brown hair running down her back and bright, piercing, green eyes joined the class, I just knew that I had to talk to her. It was almost as if I was already in love, but I didn’t quite understand it yet.
I was confident, even then, so I didn’t find it hard to strike up a conversation with her, leading us to very quickly become friends. As we spent an increasing amount of time together, I realized I liked her for more than just her looks; I liked her because she was a cool person, too. She made me laugh, she enjoyed doing things that I wanted to do, and best of all, I felt like I could tell her anything.
Well, anything except for the fact that I had feelings for her.
By the time I realized how I felt, by the time I understood what that all meant, I was well and truly in the friend zone. We hung out together all the time as friends, and it felt incredibly strange to try and change that. I also risked losing the most important person in my life, and I didn’t want to ever risk that.
So, I kept it all inside. I simply accepted that friendship was all that I would ever have and I was happy with that... At least, I thought I was. But as we grew, and my feelings got stronger, I couldn't help but notice that we seemed to touch each other more for no apparent reason and that everything we said to one another was sexually charged. At that point, I felt like if I didn’t say anything, I would regret it forever.
But I didn’t because I couldn't. I couldn't seem to work up the courage to do so. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to work out how to get those words out of my mouth. I drove myself damn near crazy with it.
The worst part about it was that I knew she wanted me, too... That was the bit that drove me to distraction. Because I’d become more aware of it, I could see it in her eyes, in the way that she spoke to me, and that made it even more frustrating. Why couldn't I just do it? Why wouldn’t she do it? Why were we so damn shy?
That was why the moment she left, I completely changed my attitude towards women. I wouldn’t wait around anymore, not ever, and I wouldn’t allow my feelings to run too deep, either. I knew how much both of those things could crush a person, so I wouldn’t do it again. One-time hook-ups, friends-with-benefits, that was where I could cope best and that was what I intended to stick with.
As I thought about the past, my eyes flickered up towards the clock, and I suddenly spotted that it was 7:45 a.m., only fifteen minutes before Peggy would be coming into my office, and I hadn’t looked at anything yet.
“Shit,” I muttered under my breath, instantly making my way to the bathroom. I needed to get my head out of the past and into the present if I was going to survive this. I couldn't go in there with nostalgia dripping off me. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror for a few seconds before splashing some ice-cold water on my face to try and shake myself from my thoughts.
Knock, knock.
I can’t even get a damn moment to myself to pull myself together! What the hell was this?
“Yes?” I called out sharply, not at all in the mood for anyone.
“Are you okay?” came the uneasy reply from Terri. “It’s almost time for your first patient.”
Fuck, she’s here already... I need to sort myself out and damn quickly, too.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied a little too rapidly. “I’ll be out in a moment.”
“Well, Mrs. Baker is here already, so I’ll check her vitals and put her in room one for you. Shall I leave her file there, too?”
“Yes, please,” I called out, actually feeling a little bit of gratitude towards Terri. It wasn't her fault I was in this mess; I probably shouldn’t have been taking it out on her. “Thank you; I appreciate it.”
As I walked into the examination room to face my fear, my heart was still rapidly bouncing about in my chest. I had managed to steel myself a little bit, but while Peggy’s reaction to me was still a massive unknown, I couldn't turn all my emotions off.
“Hello there, Mrs. Baker,” I smiled brightly at her. “It’s nice to see you today...” I picked up the chart, trying to bury my face in it for a second, hoping that she wouldn’t recognize me, but of course, she did. How could she not, when I’d been such a huge part of her daughter’s life?
“Oh, Doctor Turner... I never thought that it would be you!” she exclaimed in shock. “The name didn’t even register. How are you, Matt? Wow, I can’t believe that you’re all grown up now and saving people’s lives.”
“I’m okay, thanks,” I told her as my face flushed brightly. This attention was a little too much, especially since I had no idea what to say to her. “And, how are you doing?”
“Well obviously, not great, or I wouldn’t be here!” As she joked about a very serious disease, I found my heart fluttering with the memory of what things were like before. She was always that way, making light of the things we found terrible, and in a way, it was nice to see she hadn’t changed one bit.
“Well, of course,” I blushed once more. “It’s nice to see you, too, but I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“I’m just glad to have found a doctor that doesn’t charge the Earth for treatment,” she told me with a seriousness to her tone. “This whole cancer thing was starting to become something of a financial nightmare.”
There it was again, the one thing I hated about working in the medical industry: the extortionate costs of simply staying alive. It didn’t seem fair at all to me.
“Life is worth more than money,” I replied, giving her a reassuring smile. “Especially for someone as lovely as you.”
“Oo
h, you always were nice.” She tapped my arm as she replied, which sent a cold bolt of shock through me.
If she thought that about me, clearly she hadn’t heard the truth about what happened between me and Ashlee in the end. I didn’t want to ask her, just in case it was something she was simply leaving in the past, but I couldn't help feeling intrigued.
To try and stop myself from saying something I knew I shouldn’t, I buried my head in the chart, just to give me something else to think about, and I was quickly stunned to find out just how serious the cancer was. This wasn't some early stage stuff I was dealing with here; this was bad – and it looked like it was only going to get worse.
“Okay, so what I would like to do is run some tests, if that’s okay with you? I know you’ve already been through a lot with your previous doctor, but I prefer to have my own evidence to work with.”
“That’s fine,” she replied, grinning at me. “I’m like a pin cushion these days anyway, and I’m sure that’s only going to get worse as time goes on.”
God, the way she was taking it was utterly heartbreaking.
“You can come back Monday for us to go over the results; how does that sound?”
“Perfect. I can bring Ashlee along with me then; she wants to know exactly what is going on with me, so that’s perfect.” She sighed deeply, and I had to purse my lips to stop myself from asking the million and one questions that were threatening to spill out. “I’ve told her that I don't need any help, but she’s insisted on moving back here, and well... You know what she’s like.”
I gulped down a big ball of emotion before nodding. I did know what she was like: sweet, generous, caring, stubborn when it came down to it, but always for the right reasons. She was the perfect woman, and I’d been stupid enough to throw what I had with her, what I could have had with her, away.
I was an idiot.