by Alexa Davis
“It’s cold,” she whined jokingly. “I didn’t realize it was going to be like this.”
“What? You didn’t think that it would be cold out on the water?” I laughed loudly, bringing her in for a hug. “Don’t worry; things will start heating up when you make your first catch.”
She sent me a look, one that suggested that she didn’t believe me, which had me chuckling all over again. We’d been together for a while at that point, and I couldn't believe how much I still liked her, how much she still gave me butterflies. It was almost unbelievable. I’d seen all my friends blow through girlfriends like nobody’s business, but I had no desire to do that. I’d only ever wanted one person, and that wasn't changing.
“Are you having fun yet?” I teased, seeing the boredom already creeping up into her face. “Isn’t this the best thing ever?”
“Urgh, I honestly don't know how you and Dad do this for a whole day! Doesn’t it drive you crazy?”
“Honestly, no, the open air, the ocean, the calm... I think it’s great.”
With that, I pulled her face closer to mine, and I gave her a deep and passionate kiss. I hoped that would be the thing to bring her around to fishing, and from the way she responded enthusiastically, I felt like I was getting through to her.
In that moment, I decided to finally confess the feelings I’d been experiencing for a very long time. I’d known for a while that I was in love with Ashlee, but I hadn’t wanted to say it. I felt like it was a word our classmates flung around all the time, to many different people, without thinking of the consequences, and I didn’t want us to be the same.
But now it was time.
My heart raced in my chest as I tried to picture myself saying it, and I grew so nervous that I almost managed to talk myself out of it.
“I love you.”
What the hell? She managed to get in there first! I was trying so hard to think of the best way to say it that I did it too late. I was totally shocked, but at the same time, I was grateful that she felt the same way. At least we had that.
“I love you, too,” I grinned, pulling her back to me. “You’re incredible, and I think that I’ve loved you for a very long time.”
“Let’s always be together,” she pleaded with me, as we kissed a little more. “I never want to be with anyone but you. You’re my future husband, and that’s all I really care about.”
To a young man, the thought of that commitment should have been terrifying, but I didn’t think it was at all. Her feelings matched mine, her dreams and aspirations matched mine: we were meant to be.
“Let’s get married now,” I joked, making her giggle like crazy. “Let’s just run away and live in a cave somewhere. We only need us.”
“How are you going to be a freaking doctor in a cave?” she shoved me playfully back. “I thought that you wanted to save the world.”
“Can’t I do both?” I pouted, before sending her a grin. “Okay, I won’t marry you tomorrow, but I will make you my wife someday.”
And in that moment, I knew that I would. I didn’t think anything would ever be able to stand in my way.
That moment on the fishing boat, when we first declared our love for one another, had been a long time coming. I certainly didn’t want the next one to be as long. I wanted to get there much quicker, but I also didn’t want to push things. This time, we both needed to be cautious for different reasons. I might not have been experiencing any uncertainty anymore, but I was still aware that we had obstacles to overcome.
“Hey, Ashlee,” I whispered, shaking her lightly. “Ashlee, are you awake?”
“Hngrh,” she gurgled back, slowly starting to stir. I glanced down at her face as she shifted her body, admiring her beauty even first thing in the morning. I wasn't used to seeing the women I slept with in the morning, so it was a novel experience, but I already knew that it would be different than with anyone else in the world. “Yeah, I’m awake.”
“Do you want breakfast?” I asked, smiling to myself. She might have been suggesting that she was awake, but her eyes were firmly fixed in a closed position, which told me that she was about to drift back off into slumber.
“Please,” she barely mumbled, which was enough to have me heading to the kitchen.
As I made her breakfast, wearing only my apron, the memory of the previous night flew through my mind once more. I’d intended to take things slowly, to really explore her body, which I feel like I’d achieved a little bit...but I still got carried away.
Never mind, I was certain that we’d be in that position again. I felt like our feelings were strong enough now to hold us together no matter what the future threw at us.
By the time I walked back into the bedroom, still only wearing the apron, Ashlee was a little more awake. She was sitting upright in the bed with only the sheet wrapped around her, her hair spilling down her back, looking sexier than ever.
“Well, good morning, sleepy head,” I teased. “It’s nice to see you finally awake.”
“Oh, shut up,” she laughed. “What did you make me to eat?”
As I spun around to give her a glimpse of my naked butt, she squealed in delight, making us both laugh. I wanted things to be light and airy; I didn’t want to have to delve into any difficult and deep conversations, especially if that wasn't what she wanted, and it seemed like I’d managed to achieve that.
I handed her the food and shot her a big grin, which she returned wholeheartedly. “Thank you,” she replied happily. “This is amazing. In fact, the whole night has been incredible.”
“Yeah?” I asked cautiously. If Ashlee was about to bring it up, then that was fine; I just didn’t want to pile any unnecessary pressure on her shoulders.
“Yeah...it really felt right, don't you think?” she looked up at me, concern filling her expression, suddenly looking a little uneasy. It seemed like my wariness had been misinterpreted, which was an issue that I wanted to fix immediately.
“It was the best night of my whole damn life,” I reassured her, pulling her in for a hug. “You’re incredible. I feel like we’re amazing together, and that made for the best night ever.”
She leaned into me, and for a second, I felt like I could feel a little wetness from her eyes, but she pulled back so quickly that I honestly couldn't be sure.
“I’m going to just be honest with you,” she told me, shaking slightly as she spoke. “I’m feeling insecure, like I’m not really good enough. I know that I shouldn’t believe too much of what I read in the media, but the bits about your...sexual past, it has me feeling like I’m not enough.
Wow, I had to admire that brutal honesty. I felt like it set a brand-new precedence for us. It felt like we were going to do things differently now, and that had to be a good thing. Keeping things to ourselves, pushing our problems deep down, it just didn’t work, so this would be a positive change.
“I’m going to tell you now that none of that meant anything,” I told her seriously. “I know it might make me sound a little stupid, but it really wasn't anything. The only person I’ve ever cared about is you. The only person I’ve ever slept with that has meant anything to me is you.”
She was looking at me like she wasn't totally sure, which left me needing to explain further. “I might have done some stupid shit in the past, doing some wild stuff in bed, but that was only to make it feel good. Nothing has ever felt as amazing as it does when I’m with you.”
“Wow... I honestly don't know what to say to that,” she grinned at me. “That’s made me feel really special.”
As she pulled me in for a deep and passionate kiss, I couldn't help but admit that she was right. This truth-telling thing might have been much more difficult, but the results of it were incredible. Everything was out in the open now, it was dealt with. It wouldn’t be an elephant hanging about in the corner of the room, and that was great.
She pulled back to look at me in the eyes for a couple of seconds, but then her phone blasted out, completely breaking the magic of t
he moment in a move that felt a little too familiar.
“Ooh, it’s Mom,” she smiled before answering. “H, Mom, is everything all right?”
She moved from the room to have a private conversation, and I couldn't stop my heart from sinking. I knew that things weren’t going to go well for Peggy, and it made me feel sick with anxiety. I didn’t want Ashlee to have to lose another parent, and I didn’t want Peggy to go, either. It felt unfair, but also inevitable.
“Mom’s sick,” she burst back into the room, a wetness to her eyes. “I need to go and take care of her.”
“Can I do anything?” I jumped up, ready to do whatever she needed, but she instantly shook her head. “No, I just... I think that I need to take care of her, but what about work?”
“Don't you worry about work,” I snapped back instantly. “I’ll sort it all out. I’ll get all your appointments rearranged, don't you worry. You just go and be there for your mom, and call me if you need me at all.”
My heart raced as I watched her get dressed in a hurry, but I tried my best not to shut down. I tried to keep my heart open wide, and to not let the past and the things that had happened before to taint this moment. She would be back for me, I was sure of it, I just had to be patient.
“Thank you, Matthew,” she panted, kissing me lightly on the lips. “I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me. Don't ever think that I don't.”
And with that, she left me by myself, but this time I didn’t allow insecurity to plague me. This time I was convinced that we would make it through. It would take deep, calming breaths for me to get there, but I was sure that I would get there.
It would be okay; it had to be.
Chapter Thirty
Ashlee
Wednesday
I got home in a panic, things with my mom fully taking over my brain, pushing everything that just happened with Matthew out to one side. My heart was racing in my chest, my mind spinning, my body trembling with fear. I knew that Mom was a very proud woman, and that she wouldn’t have contacted me unless things were really bad, which had me absolutely petrified.
“Mom?” I yelled out as I burst through the door. “Mom, are you okay? Where are you?”
She didn’t instantly answer me, which had me tearing through the house, running from room to room, until I finally found her lying on the bathroom floor. As I saw her there, looking far too skinny, weak, and fragile, her entire body slick with sweat, I couldn't stop myself from gasping out in shock, clapping my hand loudly across my mouth.
Oh fuck, oh my God.
I tucked my hands underneath her armpits and began to lift her upright, the sudden movement causing her eyes to flicker open. Rather than filling me with relief, this made me feel even worse because they were glazed over, almost completely white. It was as if she was a shell of her former self, as if her spark had completely gone out, and there was nothing left.
“Mom?” I asked thickly, trying to gulp down the thick ball of emotion that was lodged firmly in my throat. “Mom, are you all right?”
“Ashlee,” she whispered gently, a smile spreading across her cheeks. “You came.”
“Of course I did!” I pulled her body closer to mine, holding her in a deep embrace. My eyes were welling up, the tears were gathering behind my lids, but I couldn't let them out just yet. Not when I needed to be strong. “I came right away. What’s happened? Did you pass out? Were you sick?”
I was trying to work out whether I needed to call ambulance, but she wasn't giving me anything. Instead, she mustered up all the strength that she had left, and she ran her fingers gently down my cheeks, making it incredibly difficult to keep it all inside.
“Ashlee, you are the greatest blessing in my life,” she said, with an air of finality to her tone. “I honestly couldn't have survived without you. You kept me going when your dad died, and you’ve given me a reason to live ever since. I honestly don't think that I could have made it this far without you.”
I didn’t like this one bit; it sounded far too much like a goodbye speech, and there was no way in hell that I would let her give up. I couldn't do this alone, I couldn't exist without her, and I feared that if she gave up the fight, it wouldn’t be long before she slipped away from me.
“Mom, stop talking like that,” I pleaded with her. “You just need some rest and you’ll be fine. Just... Let me take care of you, okay?”
“I want you to take care of yourself,” she tried, but I completely ignored that remark. Peggy Baker was a fighter – that was the only reason that I’d been able to survive until this point. She wasn't going to cave, not under my damn watch. I wouldn’t allow it.
I picked her up, and carried her into the bedroom, my heart thundering fearfully the entire time. I tried to keep my mind focused in on the end goal, on getting her to bed where I knew that she’d be able to rejuvenate, but her words kept circling through my mind the entire time, making it very difficult to concentrate.
Don’t do this to me, Mom, I thought to myself as one, stray tear made its escape. Don't leave me like this.
“I’ll be up to check on you in a bit,” I whispered to her, even though she was already asleep. “There’s a glass of water next to you if you need it, and I’m just down the stairs.”
Then I placed a small kiss on her forehead and I made my way out into the hallway, where I collapsed in a pathetic heap on the floor and wept like a baby. I cried for the way that my mother’s life had gone. I sobbed because I couldn't bear to not have her with me. I wept because there wasn't a damn thing that I could do about it. It felt like even if we started some sort of treatment right then, it might be too late anyway.
*****
The next few times that I went in to check on my mom, she was still fast asleep, and honestly starting to look just a little bit better. I tried to convince myself not to be scared about things anymore, and to just take that as a bad moment that wouldn’t be repeated, but I couldn't quite muster up the confidence that I needed in that theory.
I kept aimlessly wandering from room to room, just needing something to distract me from the whirlwind that was going on in my mind. I occasionally dusted things, moved things around, until eventually I stumbled across the mail. I already knew that I had a lot of stuff that had been redirected to be looked through, but I’d been putting it off for a while because I hadn’t wanted to face all the debts I’d amassed, but I supposed that while I was already feeling shitty, I might as well add to it.
I sighed deeply and sat at the kitchen table before tearing the first and worst one open. I hated looking at my student loans that I still needed to pay off; it always caused a tight knot of anxiety to form in my stomach. One that wouldn’t loosen for a very long time.
“What the fuck?” I spat out the water in my mouth as I looked at my current total owed. I was expecting to see the thousands upon thousands that normally looked back at me, taunting me, reminding me that I didn’t earn nearly enough money. But this time the amount was completely different. “Zero? How the fuck is it zero?” I muttered. “Who the hell has paid that off? Or is it a mistake?”
But then my eyes flickered up towards the roof, and I started to form a very solid idea of who might have done it. In that moment, an intense sense of panic started to consume me, and I knew that I needed to get out. Being inside, among the four, very claustrophobic walls, was going to send me insane. I needed to suck some fresh air into my lungs before I exploded and cracked in half... and there was only one place in the world that I could be.
‘Hi Kerri,’ I grabbed hold of my phone to text my best friend. ‘I have a massive favor to ask. Mom is sick today, so I don't want to leave her alone, but I really need to get out. She’s asleep at the moment, so I was wondering if you could come and watch her for a little while. Love you, x’
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together while my mind went all over the place. This was all too much, it felt too intense, and I was honestly scared that I was about to lose my
shit.
‘Be there in five... xxx’
Oh, thank God. What the hell I would do without Kerri? I had no idea.
As she turned up as promised only a few moments later, I pulled her in for a big, grateful hug. “Thank you so much,” I whispered to her. “I won’t be long, I promise.”
“Grant and I will be fine here,” she reassured me, instantly able to see that I was going stir crazy. “You take as long as you need, okay? There’s nothing for you to worry about.”
Sending her a quick nod before I lost myself to tears all over again, I spun around sharply and made my way forward. I knew exactly where I was going, so even though I hadn’t been there for a very long time, I didn’t even need to think about it. I could just allow my feet to move one in front of the other until I eventually arrived.
Dad... I thought to myself as the tears started rolling once more. Dad, I’m so sorry that I haven’t been to see you for such a long time. Sometimes, it’s just hard to even think about you.
As I walked through the graveyard to the top, where he was buried under his favorite type of tree, I felt an odd sense of calm starting to overcome me. It was as if he were by my side, holding me, comforting me when I needed it the most.
Before he died, he had been the most rational, caring person in my life, and I could feel that once more.
“What the hell?” I murmured to myself as I spotted his headstone, complete with a massive bunch of flowers that could have only been a couple of days old. I knew that my dad was a popular man, but since a decade had passed, I could hardly believe that people were still coming to see his grave. Not with the way that life moved on so rapidly, but I also knew that it couldn't have been Mom. She was far too sick to make it.
I shook my head rapidly, trying to push that thought from my mind. There was no point in trying to solve a mystery when I had a million other issues on my mind. Instead, I allowed my body to slide down the tree until my butt hit the ground with a thump.