by Alexa Davis
That was it; big fat tears were streaming down my cheeks and I didn’t know how much more I could get out. “I... I guess that I would like to finish up by saying thank you to Peggy for making me the man that I am today. I... I don't think that I would be here if it wasn't for...for you...”
The pastor put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me, putting an end to my speech, which was probably a good thing because I had nothing prepared at all; I was just saying what came to my mind, and I wasn't sure how much I had left to say.
But as I looked down to where Ashlee was sitting, looking up at me in awe, it seemed like maybe I hadn’t done such a bad job after all. I only wanted to please her; she was my reason for speaking out, and as long as I’d done that, nothing else mattered.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ashlee
Tuesday
As I watched Matthew speak about my mother, I knew the words were coming from his heart. It might not have been the most elegantly crafted eulogy, one like mine that had been rehearsed a million and one times, but it was perfect for Mom. She preferred life when it wasn't all to plan, and I could imagine that if she was watching us all, she would be extremely pleased.
I hoped that she had heard my words anyway, that she didn’t need me to stand up and say it all aloud when I could barely hold myself upright.
But when I thought over the rehearsed words once more, I felt like maybe Matthew had done an even better job by simply saying what was on his mind. As he sat beck next to me, in floods of tears while Mom’s favorite power ballad played, I took my turn to hug him and to comfort him. It hit me once more how this was yet another death in his life, another loss, and he was doing his best to remain strong, to support me, all the while he was feeling it too.
He loved my parents, just as much as I did, and I adored him for that. My heart swelled with love as I clung to Matthew, never wanting to let him go, and that was how I remained for the rest of the service, even as we all filed out of the church to go to the burial site, which was a short car journey away.
“Are you all right?” I asked Matthew quietly, watching his expression crumble all over again. “Did you want to come to the burial?” Sure, I needed him with me, but I wouldn’t force him to go if he couldn't handle it.
“I do,” he gasped as a response. “I want to see this through now.”
I slid the car keys from his hand and took control for a change by getting into the driver’s seat. As we made our way over to the gravesite, I knew that I had to say something, or I might never get the opportunity again. Once this day was over, I might never be able to speak of it again, and then I would never get to express my gratitude.
“Thanks for standing up in the church,” I told him seriously. “That was a lovely speech, and I think it captured Mom’s spirit well. She would have been really proud of you.”
And of course, I already knew that she would have. Both of my parents had a real soft spot for Matthew; her heart would have been swelling with happiness if she’d seen that. “You spoke from the heart and actually what you said was a million times better than what I had planned. I think my speech might have been too generic for her.”
He nodded at me, crying too hard to even speak, so I rubbed my hand on his shoulder, just for a second. This was what love was supposed to be like, supporting one another during the most difficult times in our lives, and I was glad that we’d finally made it that far. It had been a long time coming.
I felt drips running over my head as I stepped back out of the car, causing me to glance up at the rain that was starting to fall. Rather than feeling annoyed, like I could well have done, the fact that I was getting wet felt right. The world was losing a lot with my mom gone, Florence was losing a lot, so this weather felt perfect.
Of course I was losing the most, but I’d also gained the most by having her in my life. I felt like I was dealing with this death differently to that of my dad. Back then, I could only focus on what I would no longer have; I couldn't see how lucky I was to have had him in my life at all.
But not this time; this time I could see it all.
I wept hard as Mom’s body was lowered into the ground, we all did, but the entire process was so beautiful that I also felt at peace. At least she wasn't miserable anymore; at least she wasn't in pain. Seeing her like that had killed me, and I’d also known for a very long time that she wanted to be with my dad again, so I had to be happy for her.
She’d never gotten over my dad, she’d never moved on to anyone else because for her, it was only him...and they were reunited now, somewhere in the afterlife. That was a thought that could comfort me.
I sat by her grave as everyone else filtered away, not wanting to leave my mom alone just yet. I was acutely aware of Matthew’s presence next to me, but I didn’t focus on him for the time being, just imaging that I could have one last chat with my mom, saying all the things that I never got to say before.
I love you, Mom, I really do, I smiled to myself as I thought. And I want to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me throughout my life, a list that’s too large for me to even start. You were my rock, my support network, my best friend, and I’m sad to see you gone...but I hope that you’re in a better place now. I pray that you’re happy with Daddy, and that it’s all been worth it.
Suddenly, I spotted Matthew leaving me, and I turned to shoot him a confused look, which changed the second I saw him racing backwards with a massive bouquet of flowers in his hand...the exact kind that I’d seen on my dad’s grave.
“Are you planning to keep visiting the grave now that both Mom and Dad are buried there?” I asked him with a sad smile playing on my lips.
“Of course,” he said as if that were obvious. “Like I said in the church, your parents were like my parents, and I feel like I have a whole lot of making up to do.”
I could already tell that he was talking about missing Dad’s funeral all over again, which made me shake my head. I didn’t need his apologies anymore; it was done, we both now knew what had happened, and where we’d both failed. I wanted to put it in the past forever, where it belonged.
“Shhh,” I told him, pressing my finger lightly up against his lips. “I don't want to hear that you’re sorry anymore. I just want us to...to be...” I realized as I said it how true I wanted that to be. I didn’t want any more complications, dramas, or struggles; I just wanted us to be able to live a normal, happy life. I just hoped that was possible.
With that, we sat next to each other for a while, arm in arm, both lost in our own thoughts. My mind went back to the past, remembering all the best times I’d had with my mom, and my dad, too. I recalled the time when we moved to Florence, when I hadn’t wanted to come, but they made me see what potential the town had. I remembered game nights, where we would all fall out and make up again within the hour. I thought about simple things, such as family movie time...a time that I didn’t appreciate as much as I should have.
Matthew might have been silent, but I could tell that he was doing the same, and this gave us a bond. We both had a shared experience, something that we needed to recover from, and I had the strong sense that this time we would come out of it much stronger. This wasn't going to tear us apart; this was going to be another foundation that we could build ourselves upon... So at least we would be left with that.
After a few moments, Matthew turned to face me, before pulling me in for a deep, heart-stopping kiss. There was so much unsaid in there, so much love flowing between us, that it made my heart melt. “I wish that I could take away your pain,” he eventually told me, sadness lacing his tone. “I would do anything to be able to make you happy again.”
“You do,” I whispered back, allowing the rain to mix in with my tears. “You have no idea how much you help me, without even trying.”
“I love you,” he gasped sincerely, weeping along with me. The fact that he was experiencing this all with me, the fact that we could relate to one another perfectly, it made that connection b
etween us completely and utterly unbreakable.
“I love you, too,” I said, holding onto him tightly.
Matthew had pulled through for me this time, going above and beyond, and I could tell that he was doing a lot of it to make up for last time. He’d proven to me that he would always be there for me, and that fear would never be an issue again, which made my chest swell with joy. This might have been the hardest day of my life, but there was a lot of good happening, too. “You really are the perfect man for me.”
Matthew rested his forehead against mine, and we stared into one another’s eyes for a few seconds. I could see his sincerity, his love for me, and it made me feel incredible. To have someone that truly needed me, and wanted me just as much as I did him... I didn’t feel like there could be anything better.
“Come on,” he eventually whispered, standing up and holding his hand out to me. “I think we should go for a walk; is that okay with you?”
I nodded, before doing as he asked, feeling the hole in my heart fill a little as we moved. I might have been saying goodbye to one important person to me, but I was letting another in, and that was a good thing.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Matthew
Tuesday
I walked Ashlee up to the top of the highest peak in Florence, allowing us to look over the entire town, hoping that this would help her to clear her head a little bit. This was a place that I hadn’t been to for a long while, but when she first left town I used to visit it quite a lot, just trying to see things from a new perspective. I always found it good for getting out of my worries a little bit, and seeing that there was so much more to life.
Considering all that she’d been through in the past few days, Ashlee was doing surprisingly well, but I knew that there would come a time when she would likely fall right apart, and if it was going to be today, then this would be a good place for it.
As we finally sat down, looking down on everything, the tears flew down her face faster than they had mine, so I held her close to my side while she got it out of her system. Even as her fists balled up in a temper, and she began to angrily punch the ground, I simply waited for her. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t try to help, I just waited until she was ready. I was there for her, which was the trick that I hadn’t learned last time.
“I know that you don't want to talk about the past anymore,” I suddenly blurted out, probably shocking her completely. “And I agree with you that we need to put it behind us if we’re ever going to move on, but I just want to apologize for it one last time, and to tell you that I’m your future now. I will never be that person again; I will be who I’ve been today.”
“I know,” she whispered, before placing her hands on my cheeks and pulling me in for a kiss. “We’re both different, and if today has taught us anything, it’s that.”
That didn’t feel like enough. I felt like I had a little more to say. “I just really need you to know that you’ll never be alone. I know that you respected your mom and dad’s relationship a lot, and I will to my utmost to ensure that I give you a similar future. I will always respect you, I’ll always love you, and I will do whatever I can to make you happy.”
“As long as you’re mine,” she told me seriously. “Then I will be happy. You’re all that I’ve ever wanted.”
We held one another for a while, just allowing all of that to sink in, until Ashlee turned to me with another thought in her mind. “So, what does the future hold for us?” she asked, giving me a look that made me want to give her anything in the world. “I mean, what do you want?”
I knew that she wanted an actual answer, rather than me simply promising to do what she wanted, so I thought about that for a second, considering it wholly. Since I’d had lots of debts in my life, all I’d ever focused on was one day at a time, because all I’d ever wanted was to keep my practice open, but now I had options...but did that mean I wanted to go?
“I want to keep on being a doctor,” I finally answered her. “I mean, I know that you probably think I’m crazy since I won all that money, but all I’ve ever wanted is to help people.”
“No, I know,” she grinned at me, seeing me for the person I was inside. “I knew that you would never give up helping people, that just isn’t your style. Did you...want to keep on doing that here? Or do you harbor some great desire to move to California or something?”
I felt nervous about that; what if she thought I was small town if I admitted that I didn’t want to go? I mean, she had already been off on some great adventure to New York; she knew what it was like to live a bigger life. What if she wanted that again now that she didn’t have her mother tying her down?
“I... I don't know,” I took the cowardly way out, and didn’t commit either way. “What about you?”
She had an answer for me right away, as if it was something that she’d been thinking about for a while now. “I think that I would like to stay in Florence.” Relief flooded me as she said that, because it meant that we were on the same page. “I mean, I know that there’s a big world out there, but this is my home. I’ve never felt the same way about anywhere else as I have here. This has always been the place where I’ve been connected, and I think I can keep my parent’s memory alive better here.”
“Plus,” I nudged her playfully, “as we already know ourselves, this is a great place to raise kids.”
“It is!” she agreed with me quickly. “And since we’re going to have three, we want them to have somewhere nice to grow.”
“Three, huh?” I acted surprised, as if that wasn't exactly what I wanted. I couldn't imagine anything better than having three children with the woman that I adored. “I think we should see how we get on with one first. You never know; we might do a terrible job.”
After some laughter, and a light punch from Ashlee, her expression turned serious once more. “I would like to continue working at the practice, if that’s okay? I mean, I love all the kids there and I want to carry on the work that I’ve been doing.”
“Of course.” I thought that went without saying. I might have created the job for her, to help her out, but I couldn't be without her now. She was a life saver in the office!
“I also might like to write some informative books, using case studies, too. But of course that’s if you don't mind... It might take up some office resources and time.”
I leant in and kissed her hard, waiting for her to finally understand that she truly was the most important person in my life. I would give that woman anything that she asked for, especially when I knew it was something that she would be so damn amazing at. I could just see her, making strides in the medical world, influencing other practices, being featured on television, at seminars, doing book signings... it was the kind of success that she’d always deserved, and it felt amazing that I could help her to achieve that.
“You know you have my backing,” I told her. “I think that’s a fantastic idea!”
“I have never told anyone this, but I’ve always wanted to write,” she told me with a dreamy look in her eyes. “I’ve been making notes throughout my entire career, waiting for the chance.”
“I cannot wait to read what you finally get down on paper,” I told her supportively. “I just know that it’ll be amazing.”
She kissed me once more, showing her gratitude, and I simply fell into her embrace, allowing myself to feel the incredible way that she always made me feel. My heart pounded loudly, bursting from my chest, my emotions circulated wildly, and I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love.
“We’ll be together forever,” she told me, holding onto me tightly, making me feel special and loved in a way that I hadn’t ever felt before. “I just know it. We’ve always been meant to be, and now I feel like we can do it. We’ve grown up now, we’ve learnt some harsh lessons, and now we’re ready. It might have taken us a while to get to the right place, but it feels good to have made it, like a real achievement.”
She was right, I knew it right away, and it m
ade a massive grin burst out onto my face. We had come far, and we’d made it back to one another, which spoke volumes about us as a couple. “I can’t wait for the amazing future that awaits us,” I said excitedly, pictures of what we could be filling my mind. “I love you, I love you so much and I really can’t wait for it.”
I always knew that Ashlee Baker was going to be the girl that I ended up marrying; now I could finally make that happen.
Epilogue
Ashlee
6 Months Later
I stepped out of the meeting with my publisher, grinning brightly. That meeting was a positive one, and my medial writing career was looking to be a successful one.
Since I had all my notes from over the years, the first book hadn’t taken me very long to write, and surprisingly, I’d managed to get a publisher’s interest quickly...so much so that they wanted me to write a series. They claimed that my writing style was entertaining as well as informative and that it could speak to other health professionals, teachers, and parents of children with speech difficulties equally, which would turn out to be quite a large market, much more than what I was expecting.
As soon as I was outside, I tugged my phone out of my pocket to speak to the one person that needed to know right away, my rock in all of this.
“Hello?” Matthew answered, sounding about as on edge as I’d been feeling that morning. I already knew that he wanted to know how my meeting had gone, and I couldn't wait to put him out of his misery. “How was it?”
“Excellent,” I squealed. “I cannot believe it; they want me to write a whole series.”
“That’s incredible!” he gasped, so excited for me. “Although I’m not surprised; your book is amazing.”