Sighing heavily, Mia put the car into drive and proceeded to the East Bay, finally turning on her CD player, just to cut the silence in the car. She pulled up in front of the house, but to her surprise, Jordan gave her a light kiss on the cheek and announced that she was going home. "Jordan," she said, her frustration showing, "why didn't you say so? I don't want you walking home. It's after one!"
The tall woman shrugged while looking at the sidewalk. "I'm used to it. I'm faster than any of the criminals, anyway."
That didn't reassure Mia in the least, and she grasped the sleeve of Jordan's jacket and pulled her close. "I'm sorry if I hurt you tonight. Please don't shut me out."
Jordan's head shook slowly. "I'm sorry, too, Mia. I didn't mean to offend you. I've just gotta go now." After an awkward, one-armed hug she took off, running down the street with her easy, loose-limbed stride.
When Ryan came into the dining room the next morning, there was a basketful of mail for her. "You didn't get your mail yesterday, love. It seems like many of your fans remembered you," Martin teased.
"Looks like one of my fans even sent a present," she smiled, picking up a square box. Her smile quickly faded as she looked at the postmark. "Do you have any buddies on the bomb squad, Da?" she asked, only partly kidding.
He got up and looked over her shoulder, nodding somberly when he saw the address. "He does seem to be making an effort, sweetheart. He even sent it Federal Express so it got here on your birthday."
"Yeah. I know," she agreed. "I just don't trust him, and I hate to let my guard down."
"Reminds me of the old blessing," he recalled. "May those who love us-love us. And those that don't love us-may God turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping." Laughing softly he met his daughter's eyes and said, "I think you're wise to keep an eye out for his limp, darlin'." He walked into the kitchen to begin breakfast for the young women, leaving Ryan alone to open her present.
She was mildly pleased that Jim didn't use the franking privileges of his office to send the package for free. After inspecting it from every angle, she set it aside and opened all of the other mail. She was working on the last card, one from Ally, when Jamie came into the dining room. "Ooo…somebody's a popular little birthday girl," the smaller woman teased when she saw the cards neatly displayed upon the table.
"Yep," Ryan smiled. "It's nice to have my friends remember me." She tossed Jamie the package from Jim and said, "I have a feeling that you were instrumental in this one."
Jamie smiled and said, "I merely mentioned that your birthday was coming up. That was my only contribution. He asked for our address here in Noe, and said he wanted to send something," she assured Ryan. "He didn't even ask for ideas of what to buy, so God knows what's in there."
Ryan took the package back and shook it a few more times, finally admitting, "I don't have a clue. I'm usually pretty good at guessing, but I don't have enough to go on this time."
She looked mildly depressed and Jamie reminded her, "You could open it, hon."
"But I like to guess," she insisted. "That's half the fun."
"Want me to open it, and then you can ask for clues?"
"Nah. That's cheating. I'll just open it myself." Her mood brightened appreciably when she opened the present. She had not even known that such devices existed, but Jim had bought her a very tiny portable DVD player. "This is so cool!" she cried, bringing Martin from the kitchen.
"What is that little thing?" he asked.
Jamie explained the purpose, while Ryan opened the card.
Dear Ryan,
I know you are forced to travel a lot, and I thought this might help you pass the time-when you're not thinking, of course. You can use the gift certificate to purchase some of your favorite movies. I hope you enjoy the little gift, and have a wonderful birthday.
Best wishes, Jim.
Ryan looked at her partner and said, "This was really thoughtful, Jamie. He really tried to find something that fit me rather than just throwing some money at me. I really appreciate this-even though I'm sure it was ridiculously expensive. He's really trying, isn't he?"
"I think so, honey. I really think so."
When they returned home from Mass, Ryan decided that she wanted to call Jim to thank him for the gift, even though she would send a written note as well. She tried his apartment first, but there was no answer, so Jamie suggested she try his private line at his office. He answered immediately, and Ryan identified herself.
"Well, hello, Ryan. How did the birthday go?"
"Very well, thank you," she smiled. "I wanted to thank you for the fabulous gift, Jim. It was too generous, but I really do love it."
"Don't forget to buy some movies for yourself," he reminded her.
"Oh, I don't have to," she insisted. "Blockbuster rents DVD's. I can use that gift certificate to rent for a whole year!" she said excitedly.
"You're something else," he said, his voice containing a note of fondness that she had never heard from him before.
"That's what they've been telling me for 24 years now," she admitted. "While I have you on the phone, I do have a favor to ask of you, Jim."
"What's that?"
"I'd like your permission to contact the private detective that you had investigate me. I want to obtain Tory Knight's address and phone number."
"Pardon?"
"The married woman that I had the affair with," she reminded him. "I want to contact her to apologize for any part I played in destroying her marriage. I don't know how to get in contact with her, and I assume that the detective wouldn't reveal that information without your permission. So I'm asking for your permission."
"Does Jamie know you want to do this?" he asked carefully.
"She does now," Ryan said, since her lover was astride her lap. "Do you mind, honey?"
Jamie took the phone from her and said, "Hi, Daddy. I didn't know Ryan wanted to contact that woman, but I think it's a very generous thing to do. I'm glad that she wants to."
"Okay, Jamie, I'll have the investigator call Ryan with the information." He paused for a moment then added, "She's a tough one to figure out, honey."
"No, she's not, Daddy. She's the easiest person to figure out that I've ever known. She always tries to do the most generous thing-no matter the consequences. Just remember that, and she's a breeze."
The party was scheduled to begin at two, and the first of the relatives wandered over at twelve-thirty. Shortly thereafter, Jordan called with a question for Ryan. "Hey," she said, "how do I get to your house on public transpo?"
"Uhm…why do you need to? Isn't Mia coming?"
"I guess she is," Jordan said. "We didn't sleep together last night, and I haven't heard from her yet, so it's looking like she's going without me."
"Did you guys have a fight?" Ryan asked.
"I guess…I'm not really sure, though. We didn't yell at each other or anything, but I asked her a question that seemed to piss her off, and we stopped speaking."
"I'm happy to give you directions, Jordan, but I'm equally happy to come get you. It's kind of a hassle to get here from Berkeley. You've gotta take BART, and switch to MUNI, and then change buses. It could take you over an hour."
Jordan sighed and said, "I don't want you to go that far out of your way, Ryan." She paused and said, "Hang on a sec, will ya?"
"Sure."
Jordan came back a minute later and said, "Mia just got here. We'll be over in a bit. Thanks, Ryan."
"Hope it goes well, pal. My motto is to apologize-even if you don't know why you're apologizing."
Catherine had learned her lesson, and she arrived just after one, no longer content to be the last to join the party. This time she brought a guest, and Jamie ran to the door to greet her grandfather with a warm hug before he was halfway through the door. Catherine carried a lavish bouquet of flowers, with Casablanca lilies, anthuriums, ginger, and birds of paradise artfully arranged in a basket. A bottle of w
ine peeked out of the basket, and Ryan pulled it out to find that it was a rich, dark Pommard, bottled in 1975, the year of her birth. "This is beautiful, Catherine," she smiled. "Just perfect. And these are some of my favorite flowers!"
"They suit you, Ryan," the older woman smiled. "Charles and I were just discussing that on the way over. Most of these come from the wilder, tropical climates, and those remind me of you a little bit."
"I truly do appreciate your thoughtfulness," Ryan said, giving her a generous hug and a kiss on each cheek, as was Catherine's habit. "And I'm really glad that you could join us too, Charlie," Ryan said.
"The pleasure is all mine, Ryan," he insisted.
"Daddy sent Ryan a present, Mom," Jamie informed her. "He seemed to put some thought into it, too."
"Oh, he's actually quite good at that, dear. With all of his international business experience, he's had to learn how to buy gifts."
Ryan brought her little DVD player over to show Catherine and Charlie, and they marveled over the technology for a few minutes. Caitlin became aware that her best friend had entered unnoticed, and she made up for that by making her way across the crowded room, her path supported by a quick grab to assorted pant legs as she walked.
Ryan noticed that Catherine wore neither earrings nor a necklace, and she had to offer a teasing comment, as the older woman stooped to pick up her delighted little friend. "You seem to be accessorizing a little less these days, Catherine. Any particular reason?"
"Oh, just the fact that I've nearly been strangled by this strong little grip," she laughed. "It took me long enough, but it dawned on me as I was walking up the stairs. I've got my jewelry in my pocket," she said, smiling as she patted her slacks.
Jordan and Mia arrived right on time, and after they spent a few minutes greeting everyone they signaled Ryan that they wanted to see her in her room. When they'd descended, Mia said, "Jamie said that your family doesn't do gifts, but we both wanted to get you something, so we thought we'd give them to you down here. Is that cool?"
"Of course it is," Ryan said delightedly. "I'm certainly not antagonistic to gifts. We just stopped doing it because there were so many of us. It wasn't for moral reasons or anything," she laughed. "We just didn't have enough money."
"Cool," Mia said. She handed Ryan a neatly wrapped package, and said, "I don't think you have one of these, and I love mine, so I thought you might like one, too."
"Thanks," Ryan said. She spent a few minutes guessing, but finally gave in and ripped the package open enthusiastically. "Ooo, a portable MP3 player! Thanks, Mia! I really have wanted one of these! I'm a Napster junkie." She kissed her roommate and gave her a hug, then released her, and spent a moment looking at her new toy carefully. Mia explained how it worked and offered to put some of Ryan's music on it when they got home.
The box Jordan handed her was quite a bit larger, and as Ryan grasped it she urged, "Don't bother guessing, 'cause you'll never get it." Ryan took her at her word, and ripped through it in record time. Inside was a hard-shell backpack in a bright blue. "I love your Bad Badtz Maru one," Jordan smiled, "but I hate to see you put your laptop in it when we travel. This should keep your little baby safe."
"This is great!" Ryan exclaimed. She fussed with the straps with Jordan's help and got it adjusted properly, quite liking the way it conformed to her back. "I love this, Jordan. It's really perfect!" Smiling at her friends she admitted, "I got such great gifts this year!"
"What did Jamie get you?" Jordan asked.
Jamie rolled her eyes and said, "We've been playing the 'guess the gift' game since we got home last night. She refuses to open it until she can guess."
"Has she gotten close?" Mia asked.
"No…we're still on the 'is it bigger than a bread box' part of the game. At this rate she won't open it until her 25th birthday!"
"I told you that I like to guess as much as I like the present," Ryan reminded her. "When I was little, we each got two presents for Christmas. I found that if I spent a long time guessing what they were, it seemed to last longer."
"Oh, you're all about making things last long," Jamie teased, recalling their extended love play from the day before.
They were barbequing, as usual, and Ryan volunteered to watch one of the grills, taking Jordan with her so she could ask her about the spat. "So, how did things go on the way over?"
Jordan gave her friend a swat to the seat and said, "Thanks for the advice, bud. I apologized, and she just looked at me and said, 'For what…exactly?' "
"Oh-oh. There is always the risk of that. Sorry I didn't give you the whole scenario."
"Oh, that's okay. I pulled it out pretty well. I told her that I was sorry we were so distant from each other, and that I was sorry if I hurt her."
Ryan smiled and draped an arm around her friend's shoulders. "Excellent recovery! You have potential!"
Jordan nodded and said, "Things seem a little better, but it's still tense. I don't even know why I'm mad…and I sure as hell don't know why she's mad!"
"How did it start?" Ryan asked.
"Like I told you…I asked her a question," she reminded her.
"Yeah…well, there are questions, and there are questions," Ryan said, giving Jordan a look.
"Okay. It was a bad question. I asked her if she had slept with your brother," she admitted.
"Oh-oh…"
"Yeah," Jordan nodded. "That wasn't so bad, but when I commented that I was surprised she slept with him after just two dates…"
"Yipes! You didn't!"
"Oh, yes I did. I know that was a snotty thing to say, Ryan, but it really surprised me, and I let that show. That just doesn't seem like Mia."
It sounded just like Mia to Ryan, but she thought it wise not to say so. "I know this is easier said than done, but it's never a good idea to comment on someone else's sexual past, Jordan. It buys you nothing."
"I'm learning that," she smiled wryly. "I'll put that in the 'things that would have been helpful to know yesterday' category."
"Why did you bring it up, Jordan? Does it bother you that she had a brief thing with Conor?"
"No, not really," she admitted. "I think I was just pissed off in general, and I was picking on her."
"Why were you pissed off?" Ryan asked, having a good idea.
"It was that Melissa woman," she admitted. "I knew all about her, but it pissed me off that Mia acted like she didn't even know me when she was there! She didn't even introduce me," she grumbled, looking very wounded.
"I can imagine that hurt," Ryan sympathized. "But that's how you set this up, isn't it? I thought you wanted to be totally discreet…and if I recall, you were more insistent on that than Mia was."
"I know, I know," she groused, kicking at the grass with the toe of her shoe. "I just felt like crap when it happened, Ryan. I felt like she was ashamed of me."
"I can understand that, Jordan. But isn't it possible that Mia was just respecting your boundaries? It's kinda tough to be angry with her for following through on your agreement."
Jordan shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans and said, "This is exactly what I was afraid of, Ryan. I told you that I'm not the kind of person who likes to be inauthentic. I don't want to hide how I feel about Mia. It feels awful to do that."
Ryan waited a beat, considering the intense sadness on her friend's face, then gently asked, "How do you feel about her, Jordan?"
The light blue eyes drifted up to meet Ryan's, and the darker woman could clearly see the hesitation reflected in their depths. "I like her…a lot." She looked back down at the ground and added, "I don't want her to tell the world we sleep together, but I also don't want her to act like I don't exist!"
"That seems fair," Ryan agreed. "Why don't you tell her that your feelings were hurt, Jordan? You've both got to practice with this, and the only way you'll both get better is with some feedback. She probably thinks you're mad that she slept with Conor, when that doesn't seem like what's bothering you at all."
"Ok
ay, I will," she agreed. "That's one of the things I like best about her, to tell you the truth. We talk about everything-really honestly. We have to do that now, too."
Ryan nodded somberly. "Now more than ever."
When Jamie saw Ryan leading Jordan off, she did the same with Mia, taking her back down to Ryan's bedroom to find out what was going on. "You guys don't seem like yourselves today," she began. "Is everything all right?"
"No," Mia sighed, as she flopped down on the bed. "Everything's kinda sucky, as a matter of fact."
"What's up, babe? Do you feel like talking about it?"
"I'm not sure, James," Mia reflected. "We had a little fight last night, and Jordan went home. I was awake most of the night just trying to figure out what was wrong. I guess seeing Melissa kinda threw me," she admitted.
"How so?" Jamie asked. "You don't still have a thing for her…"
"No! Nothing like that," Mia insisted. "It just made me feel funny, James, like an outsider, I guess."
"Huh? You lost me, pal."
Mia rolled over onto her side and faced her friend. "I'm finally taking a look at myself, James, and I'm puzzled. I mean, I don't feel like I'm a lesbian…that's just not me. But I'm clearly not straight. I couldn't feel like I do about Jordan if I were. Seeing Melissa last night made me think about how it was with her…I really cared for her, James, but I wouldn't let myself…you know?"
The blonde woman nodded, having some experience at trying to deny her feelings for another woman. "So, what do you feel like, Mia?"
"That's where I'm stumped," she admitted. "If I tell people I sleep with Jordan, they assume I'm a lesbian, but I'm not. If I tell them that I also slept with Conor, they assume I'm straight, but I'm not. It was easier before, when I just felt like an open-minded kinda girl, but that's not really true any more. I'm not just experimenting with Jordan, Jamie. And it's not just sex," she added somberly, not surprising Jamie in the least.
Running a hand up and down Mia's back, Jamie said, "I can tell that you care for her, Mia. Does she know how you feel?"
Journeys - SF10 Page 7