by Claire Adams
But suddenly, as I reached the steps, I felt his hand on my shoulder. I looked up, feeling my heart rattle in my chest. His fingers were strong, and he swung me around, forcing me to look at him. The President of the United States was breathing heavily. A small vein pulsed in his forehead.
“What is it?” I asked him in a whisper. My eyes lurched left, noting that Dimitri was no longer in the hallway. What was going on?
Xavier licked his lips for a moment, visibly trying to calm himself down. He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “I wondered if you’d go to dinner with me. Sometime. Tonight, even.” His eyes pleaded with me.
My head spun for a moment. I could almost hear myself saying yes. It was all I wanted in the world. But then I shook myself out of it. This man—this man before me. He couldn’t be mine. He was another woman’s already. He and Camille had married, for better or for worse. He was just a stressed man with the entire nation at his feet, looking for relief. It wouldn’t come from me. I had too much to do.
I couldn’t jeopardize my career.
Slowly but surely, I shook my head no. I watched as his eyes sunk into his head with the realization. For the first time in perhaps his entire life, someone had told him no. I bit my lip, trying to make up for my decline. “Xavier. You know you’re a wonderful friend. But I just can’t allow people to get the wrong impression about us; it would bring you far too many problems.” I tipped my head to the right, trying to make him understand with huge, glowing eyes. “Please. Your friendship means so much to me and your presidency too much to this country.”
Xavier nodded, coughing a bit. His face had reddened. His eyes skirted back down the hallway, where a few members from the campaign re-election committee were walking companionably, eagerly anticipating the comfort of their own homes. The president turned toward me once more, only for an instant. “You get to leave this place. Remember that,” he said. And then, he was gone. It happened so suddenly, leaving me in a sort of desolate haze.
I spun back around on my heels and darted down the steps, feeling my heart so fast in my chest. I thought surely I was having a heart attack—surely it was all over. But as I burst into the late summer night, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had looked my destiny in the face, and I’d turned back, refuting it. This, beyond anything else, made me strong.
This is what I told myself, of course.
But as I tossed and turned throughout the night, dreaming only of the sheer need brimming in the president’s face, I didn’t know right from wrong. I didn’t care, either.
Chapter Eight
A few days passed. I hardly saw the president at all, but it didn’t seem to matter. I was caught up in the poll counting, in the re-election procedure. It seemed strange. While the president continued with his various meetings—one, I saw on the news, with the president of France—I was working tirelessly to ensure that he would remain in office, able to do these things year after year once more.
“I wondered if you’d go to dinner with me.”
The words still haunted me a bit, even as I stood in front of the television, watching Xavier and the president of France walk together by the monuments. Xavier gestured toward Abraham Lincoln’s statue and made a small joke, making the French president scoff in a very Parisian way. I longed to hear the joke; I longed to hear his voice.
That evening, I learned on the news, Xavier and Camille were meant to have dinner with the French president and his fiancé. I looked down, hearing the words. It bothered me how much the words got to me—how much they altered the perception of my day. As the lead of his re-election campaign, I knew it was the right move. Still, it stung. I skirted back from the television and swept back to my desk, ready to busy myself with anything and everything else.
Each night of that week, I returned to my home in the back of Dimitri’s car, feeling the sadness creep up around my neck. Sadness at losing my opportunity with him. In the front, Dimitri continued to ramble on, cracking jokes. Why can’t I just love him, I thought to myself. God, wouldn’t it be so much easier to be with Dimitri? Couldn’t I just want something that was actually in my reach? I hadn’t wanted something and not gotten it during my entire life. And now, here I was, faced with my ultimate desire. And I couldn’t force myself to reach out and grab it. It went against everything.
The following evening was a Friday night. I’d wrangled together a long meeting, one that swept into the evening. All around me, my employees were yawning, upset at the length of time I was keeping them into the weekend. Of course, their first few weeks of flurry had slowed down. They couldn’t keep up that endless activity for so long.
I tapped my heel slowly, gazing at them. “Okay. Okay. You can all go home,” I finally said, slapping my portfolio down on the desk before me. “I know we won’t get anything done here, anyway.”
The people before me erupted into the air, all of a sudden talking like a group of elementary kids. Their smiles were broad. They were eager to get down the Hill, back to their bars and their wives and their boyfriends. I shook my head as they went, wondering about the life I was missing elsewhere.
I sat at my desk, then, tipping back a bit. I reached into the bottom drawer and pulled out a bottle of wine and a small paper cup. I poured the wine, allowing the sound to echo throughout the room. I tipped it back, allowing the flavor of it to pulse over my tongue, to my throat. I sighed evenly, feeling relaxed for the first time in many days—at least since the president had pushed me against the stairwell wall and asked me to go to dinner with him. That wasn’t something you could just shake off.
Suddenly, my phone began to buzz on my desk. I leaned forward, holding my cup high in the air. There, on the buzzing phone, I noted that the number was the president’s. I swallowed, realizing that the president was down the hall, lingering on in his office. I didn’t answer the phone. Rather, I stood up, still holding the wine bottle in my hand. I brought it with me down the hall, hearing my shoes as they tapped in the empty West Wing. What was the president doing there, all alone on a Friday night? Wouldn’t his wife be wondering about him?
Another Secret Service officer—someone named Dave—stood outside the door. His eyes were alert. I nodded to him. “The president and I have a meeting,” I offered as an explanation.
The man nodded. He swung open the door, allowing me entrance. I tapped in, closing the door behind me. I stood in the shell of it. “You rang,” I chirped.
Xavier was sitting in his great chair, peering out the window. He was faced away from me. I moved forward, placing the bottle of wine on his desk. “Mr. President?”
Finally, he spun around, his eyes looking so hollow in his head. He reached toward the bottle of wine and he tipped it down his throat, looking so comical, even in his desperation.
I clutched my heart, suddenly worried about him. “Xavier? What’s going on?”
He placed the bottle of wine back down with a clunk. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “You know. Last night, as we spoke with the French president and his fiancé, I realized something: that my wife is the most boring person in the world.” He allowed his chair to tip left, then right, beneath him.
I wasn’t sure what to say. I felt my throat grow dry.
He continued. “I feel no joy when she says anything. The last time we made love, I was so far away. So far away.” He snapped his finger next to his face. Something in his eyes told me he was already drunk—perhaps a few glasses of scotch into the night.
“Do you—do you want my advice?” I asked him in a timid whisper, unsure of how to handle the situation. I felt the words hang between us like a cloud.
He shook his head. “I just—I don’t fucking know what to do.” He picked up the wine bottle once more and pummeled it to his mouth, guzzling it.
I felt nervous, a bit frustrated. I felt like the president was acting like some sort of inane child. He couldn’t fucking fix his own problems. What was I meant to do?
I stood up tall and I grabbed the wine bottle f
rom his hand, tugging it back. I shook my head vehemently. “What the fuck are you doing? Get your shit together,” I hissed at him. “Do you even want to have a good relationship with your wife?” I asked the question, surprising him. It was clearly not one he had asked himself yet. He wasn’t trying to create a good relationship with her; and yet here he was, complaining about her once more to me. I couldn’t take it. It wasn’t fair to her or to me
He stood up then. He was a bit woozy on his feet, but his eyes were sure and passionate. His dark eyebrows were furrowed. He reached his hand over the desk and allowed it to grip my cheek, my ear. His face came toward me. My heart was beating so fast in my chest. I placed the wine bottle back on the desk between us. It landed too hard.
His whisper came with such warmth, such passion. “No. I don’t want to have a good relationship with her. I don’t.” He shook his head until suddenly, his lips met mine in a moment of frustration, of anger.
In this moment, as our lips met over the great presidential desk, I let go of everything in my mind. Everything that had been holding me back from this beautiful, passionate feeling was let loose, finally—allowing me to feel so free in this moment. I brought my arms around his body, and I pushed closer to him, folding my lips into his more firmly, feeling the vibrancy, the lust for him deep in my soul.
God, that moment. It was the very answer to my searching heart.
Chapter Nine
I pulled away from the President of the United States, my head spinning. I bit my lip and spun back, toward the door. I didn’t hear as much as a murmur from him—no sign of regret, no sign that he wanted me to stay. I needed to get out of there, to return to some sense of normalcy. I pushed into the hallway and began stomping back to the office to gather my things, hearing my heels clatter against the floor. What the hell was I going to do?
Suddenly, as I rounded the corner with my head down, I found myself pushing into Jason, my second-in-command. His wide eyes blinked at me with surprise. “Amanda! I thought you’d left for the day.” His eyes perused my red cheeks, my slim waist. I could feel the way he looked at me, and already it made me uncomfortable. But I couldn’t deal with a drunk second-in-command; not tonight.
“Goodnight, Jason,” I said, trying to push past him.
But he tapped me on the shoulder, following me. “Actually, Amanda. I had a question about the proceedings from the day.”
I felt a tear falling down my face in these moments. I spun around on my heel, glaring at him. I shook my head vehemently. He didn’t seem to notice my confusion, my internal anger. “What is it, Jason?” I finally sighed.
“I just—I saw that you had us scheduled for a meeting in Texas in a few weeks. I wanted to clarify.”
I swept my hand out and then smashed it into my lap, feeling the pangs of pain throughout my thigh. “If it’s in the calendar, it’s in the calendar,” I growled, shrugging. “Now if you’ll excuse me—“
“Wait—Amanda!”
But I could hardly hear him. My mind was racing with thoughts, trying to comprehend the feel of the president’s lips over mine. This was not what I wanted, I thought over and over again. For a moment, sure, it had felt so right. But the moment had passed easily as I pulled back from him and realized what I was actually doing. I was actively ruining both my life and his. I couldn’t work my way to the top by sleeping with the president. I was smarter than that.
I huffed, beginning to gather my things into my bag. I would spend the remainder of the night curled on my couch, drinking wine deep into the night. I wouldn’t come into work tomorrow; it was a Saturday, and no pressing issues were at the helm. Thusly, I could take my first real day off from the office.
But as I pressed each item into my bag, I felt him coming toward me: Jason. I spun my head up, peering at him with confusion. “What’s up?” I asked him. We hadn’t spoken much throughout the course of our working relationship. We’d shared a few laughs over a drink, of course, but nothing more.
He brought his hands over his chest, then. I was so keenly aware that we were the only ones in the great, empty room. “I was wondering what you were up to tonight?”
I rolled my eyes, still not understanding what he meant. “God, Jason. I’m so tired. I just want to collapse in my bed, you know?” I laughed, trying to make a joke to him.
But his persistence held fast. He stood in front of me while I tried to pass him, and he placed his hand on my shoulder, staring at me, face-to-face. For a moment, I thought surely he was going to try to kiss me, just like the president had.
But then he spoke stuttering, incomplete words. “Why don’t you come out to eat with me?”
I tried to hear the words, to comprehend them. Jason wanted to date me? I raised my eyebrow toward him, unsure of what to say. I heard the guttural stop in my throat. Speak, I told myself over and over. Speak!
“Um. Jason. I really have to go, okay? I’m so tired. Have a good night.” And I swept around him, springing myself from his tight grip. I rushed down the hallway, past the Oval Office, and down the steps. I felt so alone in those moments, like everything I wanted couldn’t be mine.
I grabbed a taxi and asked him to stop at the store so I could buy another bottle of wine; I’d left mine in the Oval Office. “Wait for me, okay?” I asked the taxi driver, paying him a bit extra for the first fare. He nodded, chewing gum. He didn’t give me any words.
I tapped into the grocery, bringing my finger over my eyebrow. I grabbed the first wine bottle from the shelf and tapped it on the counter, shaking a bit as I did it. The man at the counter asked, “Are you all right, ma’am?” And I hadn’t realized that I was a goddamned mess, nearly crying all over the place. I couldn’t comprehend it. God, I needed a drink.
I told him I was fine. And I paid for the wine swiftly before rushing outside and back into the taxi. The man took me home, back to my tidy, safe haven. Once I closed the door and breathed an easy sigh of relief, I collapsed on the couch. All my thoughts were oriented to what had just happened back there with those two men. Was nowhere safe?
I poured myself an easy glass of wine, reminding myself that I couldn’t become involved with the president. I listened to the glug-glug of the wine as it pulsed into the cup, and I felt so sure that as his lips had descended over mine, I’d been happier than I’d ever been in my entire life. I hadn’t had many boyfriends, of course—just the one through college. But I’d never felt such deep passion with him (like the entire earth had stopped spinning, just for us).
I tried to imagine a future in which Xavier and I were together—a future in which the president abandons his wife and takes his re-election campaign manager up with him, to first lady status. I shuddered at the thought. The mere idea of it would put the campaign off the rails, for one. No one liked a presidential cheater, as Clinton proved so well. And where would my career go as a result? People would say that I slept my way to the top, but really, I would be sleeping my way to the bottom. Sure, Xavier had promised that I would have a position at the White House for my career, but he could only promise this as long as he was there. I had to stay committed to both myself and my career—and no one else.
I sniffed, allowing the thoughts to pass through me, allowing the wine to course through my veins. I fell asleep like this, stretched out on the couch with the wine glass situated in my hand, my eyes fluttering every few hours with the romantic idea of that man in the Oval Office before me, his lips reaching out for only me. Only me.
I awoke the next morning with a crick in my neck, one that I couldn’t work out with a few nice stretches. It was still early in the morning, and I realized I had the entire day at my feet—a day during which I could create whatever world I wanted. I didn’t have to go into the office; I didn’t even have to watch the news. Although, of course, I would. Just to see how the polls were doing.
I grabbed some of my running supplies and I sped downstairs, stretching my neck in a sort of semicircle. The sun shone brightly on me, even in the 7 a.m. morning. Mo
st D.C. people weren’t awake yet, choosing to spend their Saturday mornings sleeping next to their lovers, in their cozy beds. But I was so different, I reminded myself. I had so many different ideals, so many things I wanted for my life.
As I sped toward the nearby park, I felt the blood pumping heavy in my veins. I would make it out of this strange, half-hearted love affair with Xavier. I wouldn’t go to lunch with him anymore, unless others were there and it involved the campaign, of course. I wouldn’t put my life or his marriage or our careers in jeopardy just because of this deep passion pulsing in my gut. It wasn’t worth it to me.
I rushed along, feeling the wind in my face, through my long brown hair. I’d continually felt a desire to run the past few weeks, but I’d spent every waking minute at the office, poring over ratings, writing speeches, and arguing with one employee or another. I was a tough boss, and I was earning their respect very slowly, very surely. I was just a 29-year-old woman—someone their daughter’s age, perhaps.
But God, was I so much more.
I rounded the corner and found myself face-to-face with a young couple, both of whom were holding hands and walking through the park. They looked like they’d been up all night. Their faces were brimming with such lust for each other. They gazed into each other’s eyes, speaking only in whispers. I wondered what that love was like, in a small way. I wondered if I was missing something. As I sped by them, I suddenly lurched to a stop and peered back, watching their slow and subtle movements through their morning. It was like, for them, time had stopped; they were unworried about their careers, about their futures. They were continually wrapped in that non-spinning world—the one that I had joined for only a second, there in the Oval Office.
I shuddered and spun back around, back into the world. I revved forward and allowed myself, only for a moment, to consider a world in which we were meant to be together—in which we were normal, beautiful people who were allowed to make our own choices and live our own lives.