by Claire Adams
Suddenly, Xavier was up. He sat upright on the silk sheets. Nothing on his face illustrated that he’d just had the most pleasurable, beautiful sexual experience of his life. He blinked. “Please tell me. Who was spying on you?” His voice sounded so presidential, so curt. I wanted to run away, to take it all back. I wanted this to be beautiful again.
I sat up as well, feeling like an alien in my own body. “He put the cameras around my apartment,” I whispered. I felt my tongue lolling around in my mouth. “He put cameras in my apartment, and they—they ruined everything.”
“Who did this?” Xavier asked again. “I don’t have time for this, Amanda. This needs to be dealt with.”
This was all wrong; it was going all wrong! I knelt my chin down to my chest. “Jason. Jason did this. He—he wanted to take advantage of me, to know what was going on in my life. He sensed that we were seeing each other.”
Xavier didn’t say anything for a long time. I suddenly felt like we were strangers.
“He’s taking advantage of you?”
I nodded. “He—he makes me—he controls me.” But already, the words were losing steam as I watched the anger grow in Xavier’s eyes. He righted himself on the floor and reached toward his clothes, shoving his muscled legs into his black suit pants.
“I don’t know why the fuck you didn’t tell me about this before, Amanda. I hired you to be my campaign manager. You’re supposed to be my fucking eyes and ears out there. You aren’t supposed to be the problem.”
My eyes grew wide with the words. Suddenly, he’d transitioned into being my employer; he was reprimanding me about my job. I tucked the silk sheet over my breasts and blinked at him, feeling like a very small child. “I know,” I whispered meekly. “I know.”
“But you don’t know,” he continued. His voice was loud, and it echoed throughout the small space. Faux bedroom. “You don’t even fucking know how to clean this up. I knew better than to fucking hire a new girl, 29 years old when everyone else was better qualified.”
The words stung. I righted myself, blinking wildly at this man—this man I had thought I could love. But suddenly, he stuck his hand out to the right, toward the door. The finger led me there. “Leave, Amanda,” he retorted, without giving me a chance to explain myself. “You must leave.”
I grabbed my clothes and rushed out, naked, feeling the tears rush down my face. In the movie theater, An American in Paris was still playing, and it gave me such a false sense of security as I hurriedly pulled on my clothes.
Beneath the Eiffel Tower, they danced on and on. Meanwhile, I rushed from the White House, feeling like Cinderella after the ball.
POWER #4
Chapter One
I tossed myself into the night, away from the shell of the White House. I felt my tears riding hot and heavy down my chest. The president’s voice seemed to echo in my head. His words: “I knew better than to fucking hire a new girl, 29 years old when everyone else was better qualified,” were ringing and ringing in my ears. God, those words. They broke me in that moment. Everything I had thought I’d worked for had been taken from me. The president had reduced me to his sexual object—the woman who would ultimately ruin him.
Why had I told him, anyway? I had wanted things to be beautiful between us, and yet this was what I ultimately got. I got mistrustful glances and angry retorts; I was spurned from his bed and shaken out into the cold world. I wrapped my coat around my shoulders and hailed a taxi, knowing I looked like a crazy woman. The yellow car coursed up and I swept into it, shivering wildly. I told him Rachel’s address, knowing that my own address was completely out of the question. I couldn’t allow Jason to see me cry. I couldn’t allow him to eat his Doritos and watch the true emotion wretch from my body.
The taxi pulled me through Washington once more. I paid him quickly, my eyes nearly closing as the stress took hold of my brain, and then I climbed the steps with forceful footfalls. I tapped at the door and Rachel opened it swiftly, her eyes wide. She didn’t expect me home so soon, if at all. Her words were on her lips in a moment. “What happened?” she whispered.
I knelt my head to her shoulder and began to weep. My body was quaking. Rachel brought her hands to my shoulders and rubbed at my spine, at my very bones. I could feel her small fingers attempting to loosen the strain and tension in my back.
Finally, she drew me to the couch. She leapt up and poured us both a glass of wine quickly, noting that I was continually staring at the floor before me listlessly. I accepted the wine and guzzled it back, trying to retreat from my feelings. But they stayed. They stayed.
“Are you ready to talk about it?” she whispered then, across from me in the chair by the window. The moonlight glistened against her red hair.
I smacked my lips slowly—what a satisfying sound. “You know. It didn’t exactly go according to plan.” I felt a laugh escape from me now, forcing Rachel into a worried smile.
“Sure. Nothing ever does,” Rachel whispered. The silence hung between us for a moment. “So you told him?”
I nodded calmly. “It was a beautiful evening. One of the better we’ve ever spent together. I started to feel, you know, like we were linked in some way—like we were meant to be together. That perhaps it could even work out; that I could hold onto my career and still be with him. What a silly thought, no?”
Rachel just furrowed her eyebrows then. She didn’t say anything, allowing me to push through the story.
I cleared my throat. “Anyway. I told him about Jason. Sure, I didn’t tell him so well. The story was sloppy and ill-conceived. It sort of came out of nowhere. But I told him, all the same. And he kicked me out of the bedroom. He essentially told me he should have never hired an inexperienced girl like me.”
Rachel’s eyes widened. “He said that?” She knew that this attack on my career was greater than anything else; but she also understood that I was so assuredly falling in love with this man.
“And then he kicked me out,” I nodded. “He told me to leave. I’m not surprised if I’m fired. But I can’t be sure.” I sighed, taking another sip. The wine was bitter, and it fit my mood. Everything seemed to be folding together into this grand, bitter scheme.
But Rachel placed her hand on my knee from across the coffee table. Her thin wrist twisted a bit as she did it. “You’re going to get through this, Amanda. Come on. You’re a fighter. That’s how you got into this position. Not for any other reason. Not because you’re beautiful, because anyone can see that. But because you have balls and brains.” Rachel’s face was so grim. Her mouth was a flat line between her fine cheeks. In that moment, she noted that I was out of wine, and she refilled us both, bringing us into the next stage of this drunken reality: away from sad drunk and more toward angry drunk.
“You know what we should do?” she asked me, midway through her second drink. The evil gleamed in her eyes. “We should tell his wife.” She nodded succinctly.
I tossed my head back, shaking it. “What do you mean?” I asked. “Camille? No. No, no.”
“But think about it?” Rachel asked, flashing her palms toward me in a curious move. “He won’t be expecting it. She’s not the public, certainly, and she won’t want this to get out. But it will offer the perfect retribution for all he’s put you through. He’ll have this hellacious woman figure in his life, and he certainly will rue the day he ever misaligned your career like that.” She smiled in that grim way once more. “It’s beautiful.”
I laughed, but I wasn’t so sure. “What about going to the media?” I asked, playing along with her words. “I could tell them that I was the president’s little plaything for a while, that I have secrets to the ways in which he handles other countries and world leaders.” I thought for a moment. “You know, it’s actually kind of true.” I winked at her.
Rachel laughed, nearly spinning her wind with the joyousness of it. “You’re wicked, my girl. Wicked. We could ruin him. We two in this room. We have more dirt on the president than anyone in the world.”
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br /> Rachel reached toward the cell phone on the coffee table then. I paused from my laughter, my eyebrows high. “What are you doing?” I whispered.
Rachel shrugged. “We have to start somewhere, don’t we? The Times? Someone will be awake, typing away in these late hours.”
But I shook my head, a grim expression exhibiting itself on my face. “Not tonight, Rachel. A couple of drunk ladies calling into the New York Times? I don’t think that would work so well.” I winked at her, but really, my heart was quaking in my chest. In these moments, I hated the president with a sure passion. However, I knew that deep inside my soul, I actually cared for him a great deal. Even loved him, although I hated to admit this to myself. Threatening Xavier from afar was making me feel ever better (and the wine wasn’t hurting, either).
However, ruining Xavier’s life also meant something else. It meant that I was exposing myself as his “bimbo”—something that Jason was attempting to do, all this time. And that meant that I couldn’t ever tell anyone. I couldn’t allow my identity to be revealed. I couldn’t allow all that I had worked for to be burned at the stake, so to speak, only for my anger and jealousy. I was much stronger than that.
Thusly, a few hours later—near sunup, when Rachel went to bed—I laid in my guest bedroom and listened to the cars as they whizzed by the apartment complex. I thought about the life I’d always wanted: the powerful one at the top. I thought about how lonely that one was: that if I ever found anyone to share it with, that would truly be a beautiful thing. But my need for that life still obliterated everything, almost even my deep passion for the president. And thus, all my decisions had to keep my career in mind. If that ultimately meant that I needed to leave the campaign in order to resist the president and get away from his lying, scheming self—the man who had pushed me back out into the dangerous world, even after I had told him all that had happened to me (the blackmail, etc.), then so be it.
Chapter Two
The next morning, I stretched myself from bed, unsure if I should go back into work. I could remember the scorn from the president’s lips so well in my ears, and I didn’t want to return to that mockery. I didn’t want to go see those eyes—those eyes that had provided such comfort, such humor in the previous days—and know that they ultimately hated me now. It was too much to face.
However, the White House had become my home, in many ways. As I tapped from the guest bedroom in Rachel’s house, I noted the cold slickness of the floor; I wrapped my sweater around my shoulders. I didn’t feel like myself, as I did in the White House. Instead, I felt like a foreigner. I could hear Rachel getting ready for work in her larger bathroom, and I knew that I needed to head out the door as well. What was I going to do at home all day—in Rachel’s home? Read romance novels? Watch talk television? Dream ever about reaching the heights of my career, without really pursuing it in a realistic sense?
No.
I tugged myself into the shower and allowed the hot water to course down my back, down my sides. I scrubbed at my armpits and tried to rid my body of Xavier’s scent. I didn’t want to remember him as I pulled off my dress later this evening. I wanted every speck of evidence to falter away from me, for good.
I dried my hair, thinking about my apartment. I imagined the cameras lurking like sharks in the depths. I wondered if I’d ever return back there or if it was ultimately lost to me for good. I’d never allowed myself to lose so many things at once before. I’d lost Xavier. I’d lost my home. All I really had, in this moment, was Rachel. And perhaps a drive to succeed, still riveted somewhere in my head.
I tugged my dress over my head and heard Rachel as she shuffled from the door. Both of us were late for work (and both of us were absolutely battling hangovers from the previous evening, I knew). I calmly trounced toward the door, taking every precaution from shaking my tender head too much. I spun back around, noting the comfortable shell of the room around me, before exiting into the revving world. Soon, I’d have to see Xavier. I tried to turn off the anxiety of my mind.
Finally, I arrived at the White House, pushing myself from the taxi in another long line of almost-late government employees. I nodded to them as we passed each other. They naturally allowed me to enter the White House first, to go through security first. After all, I was their leader. I was the campaign director. I was 20, 30 years their junior, in some cases. And yet, there I was.
The Secret Service men looked at me stoically, without a speck of recognition. I wondered what this meant. I wondered if they knew about what had happened between the president and I—if they understood that it was over between us, that because of me, they had a serious security breakage on their end. I wanted to take them to the side and shake them, telling them it wasn’t my fault. But their eyes were so cold.
Dimitri, my old friend from the old campaign days, was especially cold. He pressed his lips together and allowed me to pass by. I imagined a day in which he would hold out his hand and shake his head dismally. “Not today, Miss Martin,” he’d say. The White House mouth would be closed to me. My dreams would rush through the cracks.
That morning, I sat at my desk and sipped my coffee, watching the campaign team roll around my evenly. The speed was ramping up, as it naturally did during the year before the election. The next few months would be hard and fast, and then in the summer, we’d ramp up even more. It was going to be a hard road, but it was a road that I’d imagined so many, many times before. It seemed impossible to imagine myself not involved.
Jason, on the other side of the office, seemed in a tizzy. He continually placed his hand on his forehead, scraping the sweat away from his brow. He shook his head into the phone he held at his ear, opening his mouth to bicker in a menacing manner. I raised my eyebrow toward him. Nothing ever went according to plan, I wanted to tell him. Not even the best-laid of them all.
That afternoon, I ate my lunch at my desk, working through the last mechanisms of my late afternoon briefing. I munched through cucumbers and some almonds, knowing that this would just barely push me through the rest of the day. But I didn’t have the time to go into the world to find anything. Before me, many of the desks were empty, revealing that these people had wants, had needs, had desires.
Above the desks, peering toward me in the darkness of the hallway, I saw a thin, muscled figure. I turned my neck toward him, alarmed at his secrecy. Of course, the man was Xavier. He’d pushed from his Oval Office to come spy on me—perhaps to fire me in decency, when no one but that little guy with the southern accent in the corner would know.
But as soon as he caught my eye, shivers coursed through both of us. I swallowed slowly. He spun around, giving me the darkness of his back, his black hair. I turned back toward my work, readying myself for the briefing. Sometimes, Xavier didn’t go to them. Perhaps I could push through. Perhaps this stress that pulsed in me could go unnoticed.
However, when the briefing finally came, I felt the shivers coursing through my body. I stood before the great crowd of fully-fed campaign workers, feeling Jason’s burly presence beside me. He leaned toward me and whispered, “You seem awful quaky today. You sure you don’t want me to cover it?”
I peered up at the back of the room, where I noted that Xavier had just entered, his dark eyes peering toward me. It felt like a challenge, like he wanted to make sure I was up to snuff. The anger grew in me, obliterating the love I had for him, even just for a moment.
I grabbed the baton, not giving Jason a decent response to his malicious question. I tapped it against the board before me, where I’d drawn a decent outline of our education bill plan—the one we were shuffling through Congress in the following few months to really get a lead over the Republican candidate. “LISTEN UP, PEOPLE,” I announced, lending them a sense for my passion, my drive. “Get the fuck out of your heads and listen to me.” I furrowed my eyebrows. They were going to pay attention to me—their campaign leader—for as long as I held this chair. Xavier was going to know that a little phrase like the one he used—the o
ne initiating his regret for even hiring a “29-year-old girl” like me—held no validity. I was strong, empowered.
And I would make him win.
Chapter Three
As I pushed through the meeting, I grew stronger and truer to the feelings of triumph inside me. I no longer looked toward Xavier. Rather, I turned my attention toward the people before me, the people who turned toward me with a sense of passion and drive for this cause. I didn’t have time for people like Jason and Xavier—people with such apparent cruelty in their hearts. Did they believe that you could only make it in this business if you were cruel, if you obliterated everything and everyone in your path?
I tapped the baton back before the table, bringing everyone’s heads back up from their notes. It was nearly 5:30, which meant that I had overworked everyone well beyond their 5 o’clock end time. I thanked them, nodding my head succinctly. “Good work today. I think if we follow this plan to a T—if everyone does his or her job appropriately—we can win this thing.” My eyes were drawn to Xavier once more in this moment. He still looked so dark beneath the fluorescent lights of the great conference room. I tapped my papers on the table. “You can all head out,” I announced. “Thank you.”
The conference room erupted. People began their long-held conversations that had surely been bursting in their hearts. They turned toward each other and discussed dinner plans, first dates. They allowed their thoughts to stem away from the campaign. I wondered what that was like. Everything about my life, from the cameras positioned in my apartment to the very real love I held for Xavier was rooted in the campaign. Thusly, I couldn’t very well rip myself away from it. I couldn’t find another topic in my head!