by Claire Adams
This ultimately brought me to the question. Should I simply fade away from this relationship? Was my love for Xavier actually equal to the love and hard work I’d churned into my position in the political sphere? My heart ached with the question, and I sat on a bench, feeling the October wind whip against me.
Okay, okay. I sighed into my fingers. If Xavier and I did stay together, all throughout both this term, and the next one, what would happen, then? I’d heard of presidents all but retiring, folding away from the public sector. But that wouldn’t be for me. I’d be at the height of my churning career; 34 years old, at that time, and rearing toward Congress, toward a greater position, perhaps. Would I be satisfied getting married to the president at that time? Would it look “off” if he immediately divorced his wife after the four years were finished and married me? Would there be questions about my “right” to the White House, to the political world?
I knew that I needed to address many of these questions to Xavier. I knew that, beyond anything else, Xavier had a very valid comprehension of the political sphere. He had made all the right moves, climbed the correct ladders, and made friends with the right people. As a result, he was nearing the entrance to his second rally as president.
I tried to reach the root of my internal problem, and I supposed it was simply that I didn’t want to tell the public a false story of myself. I didn’t want to label myself as a money-seeker, as a woman continually looking for power and using her body to get it. God, I had slaved. I had marched the march, walked the walk. I stabbed my heel into the dead grass in the Rose Garden lawn, and I knew, in my heart, that the only person I needed to discuss these many fears with lurked, somewhere up there in an Oval Office. I wouldn’t allow him to wrap his arms around me; I wouldn’t allow him to place his lips over mine. Instead, we’d become two grown, confident, and ever-intelligent adults, discussing next steps as one discusses the peace in the Middle East.
I sniffed and righted myself from the bench beneath me, winding myself back to the gleaming White House. I felt each of my heels dipping into the mud beneath. I felt my back arch with a spark of confidence. I knew, in so many ways, that I would find my way to the top without the guiding hands of my lover. I knew I had it in me.
Chapter Four
I neared the steps from the Rose Garden, up toward the White House. I placed my delicate fingers on the stair railing. Suddenly, a figure darted from behind the dark shadow of a tree. I brought my hand to my heart, clutching at my chest. I nearly shouted. In an instant, I found myself being lurched back, toward the trees. A hand was held over my mouth and nose, blocking any air from entering my lungs. I cried out, wasting that stale oxygen. In that moment, I felt sure that I was going to die.
“Just shut up for a moment,” the voice said gruffly. I felt a shoe fall from my right foot, allowing a naked toe to be dragged back, toward the trees. I felt a pine needle pierce my skin.
Finally, the figure pushed me against a tree. I saw him, full figure before me, his right hand still pressed over my mouth so that I couldn’t scream. It was Jason. His eyes looked crazed. I realized that the previous day’s meeting had ultimately pushed him too far, that his frustration was making his brain burn. He was breathing heavily. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?” he whispered in my ear. He placed his foot on my naked foot. I felt my bones creak beneath his weight. Even as he attacked me, held me beneath the tree, he still looked like a schlub. His shirt was untucked; his eyebrows needed serious maintenance. So strange, to feel so fearful of the ugliest person you’ve ever seen.
I tried to bite his hand then. I tried to pull my legs up to kick him. My brain seemed to scream, internally.
“Now, now. Just calm down,” Jason cackled maniacally. “I know you’ve been through a great deal. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page, in a few different ways.”
I allowed my mouth to relax. I tried to calm my body, my aching joints, my feet. But my heart wouldn’t stop beating so wildly in my chest.
“Okay. So. At the beginning of this—shall we call it—spiel, I told you that I wanted one thing, initially. And that was to be campaign manager. And you told me I would get what I wanted.”
My eyes gleamed toward him. I remembered telling the president that Jason should be the campaign manager, that it was meant for him. I remembered hating myself for doing it. It had been all I was working for. And then I was giving it away.
“And the president ramped up my responsibilities, yes. He told me he was considering me for the position,” Jason continued. “But then, he ultimately gave everything to you. Every meeting, you run. Every meeting with a congressman has you at the helm.” He arched his eyebrow. “And I’m sure you can comprehend why that would make me feel out of sorts. Can’t you?”
I nodded quickly, feeling my throat aching as I attempted to take in my oxygen between his fingers, deep in my nose.
“And then, of course, there’s this issue of you being—missing. Missing from your apartment, so I can’t keep an eye on things. Missing from meetings—and mysteriously appearing just a few moments after the president arrives. What am I meant to think of all this?”
I shrugged my shoulders. He opened his fingers, just a tad, allowing me to slurp up some oxygen and dart out some words. “It was a coincidence! I didn’t even know the president was late—“ I lied.
He clucked his tongue at the back of his throat, shaking his head. “Is that right, my dear? Well. I suppose my next question has to be this. Does the president know anything about the photographs? Have you done what you’ve been told to do—in keeping your mouth shut, I mean?”
I jerked my lips out once more. “I haven’t said a word to the president,” I lied once more. My voice sounded desperate. The sun had lurked beneath the clouds, and I was shivering beneath the shade of the tree.
Jason blinked toward me, expecting something more. He wanted me to give myself away, to tell on the president, to give him SOMETHING. But I had nothing. I blinked toward him, feeling as his arm loosened its grip a bit. All at once, I pushed against him, full force. I shoved him away from the tree, and I darted out of the shade, up the steps, and into the shell of the gleaming White House. I wanted to yell, to scream out the attack! But I knew if I did, the photographs would be revealed. And so I cried into my elbow for a moment as I rushed forward, never looking back.
Even mid-tears, I steadied myself. Jason was finally coming to the end of his rope. He couldn’t take the pressure anymore. He was impatient, and he was probably about to make his move—to reveal the photographs to the world. I breathed heavily, trying to bring this comprehension to my mind. He was a ticking time bomb, and Xavier and I needed to act fast.
So much was on the line. I had to alert Xavier. I had so much to talk to him about—so much about our personal relationship, yes, and then so much regarding Jason’s terrorizing over us both. I sat on the steps that led up to the West Wing and cried into my hands for a moment, feeling like the soft, weak girl I’d never been. I’d always pitied those girls—those girls who couldn’t comprehend what to do with their problems. I’d certainly never been one, no. But here I was. Nearly falling from the edge of the cliff.
Finally, I righted myself. I wondered where Jason had gone. The staircase, the only one that brought you up from the Rose Garden, echoed only with my staggered breathing. I placed my hand on the wall and steadied my shaking body, inhaling and exhaling and appreciating every second of oxygen.
I hadn’t believed that Jason was capable of such terror, of such violence. My mind was suddenly rooted in ideas only of survival. I marched up the steps, knowing that I had to leave the White House, immediately. I had to give Jason time to cool off. I had to give myself time to think. I found myself in front of my desk, breathing heavily over my papers. I felt Jason’s presence in the room, several feet away. He was discussing something with one of the campaign team members. Both of them looked toward me as I staggered into my desk. I was a goddamned mess, and I knew it. Sweat
dribbled down the line in the center of my lips.
“Miss Martin. Are you all right?” The young girl asked me, taking small steps toward me.
Jason leaned toward her and whispered something in her ear. I was sure I heard the word “drug” amongst them. I grew hot, angry. The girl’s eyes molded toward me once more, confused. I wanted to shake her, to tell her it all wasn’t true.
I grabbed my things and swept through the room, now hearing the scattered gossip throughout. “Well. She has been sick an awful lot lately. What do you think it means? She’s a drug addict, obviously. Can’t get so far into the nation’s capitol without a little—you know. Extra oomph.”
My face burned. I dropped a few slips of paper as I scurried from the room, past the remaining offices. I found myself in front of the Oval Office, knowing that the president was in there. I wanted to stroke his chest, to ask him to tell me that everything was going to be all right. I knew that if anyone could assure me that the world was round, that it would continue to spin, it would be him.
In the shadow of the Secret Service agent beside me, I stroked the door longingly, wanting him. Wanting to touch him. I wanted to tell him everything that I’d been thinking—about our potential future, about how perhaps it would get in the way of the all-important nature of MY future. The one I had worked so hard for. I wanted to ram my fists against his chest, like a woman in an old black and white film, and demand answers from him. He was my president. And I needed his guidance.
But the agent leaned toward me and shook his head. “He’s not in, Miss Martin. He’s in a meeting with his wife.”
The skin on my face turned a sour white. I nodded toward the agent and thanked him, feeling my legs turn to jelly. I wound from the Oval Office, down the steps, and into the gleaming foyer below. A chandelier glinted above me.
I would find a way home, then. I would root myself in my bed and calculate the perfect, most essential plan to counter what Jason was effortlessly planning, somewhere in a strange, dark lair across the city.
Chapter Five
When I swept into Rachel’s home, however, I found her leaning against the counter, a glass of wine already in her hand and a smile on her face. She winked toward me. “I have some serious news,” she smiled.
I brought my hands to my face, allowing the worry from the previous day to fall around me. “What is it?” I gasped.
She eyed me, bringing her eyebrows up high on her forehead. “I have a date!”
I clapped my hands together, allowing my papers and folders to fall to the ground before me. They scattered, monstrously, on her fine, hardwood floor. I brought my hands around her thin shoulders and hugged her supremely, feeling such a happiness course through me. “I can’t believe this is true! Is it that—“
She nodded. “That guy from work? Yeah. Michael.” She sighed, rubbing at her eyes. I could tell she was tired, but that she was staying up to speak with me, to tell me about her excitement. It had been too long since a truly good thing had happened to either of us.
I brought the wine bottle into the air and tipped into over a wine glass, filling it heartily. I clinked the glass into hers and we cheered her impending date. The wine coursed down my tongue. “When is it?” I asked her, my eyes bright.
She laughed, snickering a bit. “I actually agreed to go out tonight.” She shook her head, as if she couldn’t believe herself. “Is that all right?”
My heart skipped a beat. The mere thought of spending a single night by myself in her apartment seemed scary, made me feel out of sorts, in a way. I swallowed, but didn’t allow the light to dissipate from my eyes. “Of course that’s all right! I know how much this guy means to you.” I took another sip, remembering that this flirtation had been happening for several months—that Rachel hadn’t thought it would materialize into anything at all. “Things work out, don’t they?”
Rachel leaned close to me then. Her eyes grew serious. “I want you to know that I think things will work out for you, as well. I have a really good feeling about it. I think—I think the president will deal with this Jason issue. I think he loves you enough to protect you.” She petered off for a moment, looking beyond my shoulder, toward the door. I felt like an alien, for only a moment. “In fact, he loves you enough to change his entire life. I can’t say that anyone has ever loved me that much. Throughout my entire life.”
In that moment, I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her about Xavier, about his wife, Camille, discovering us. I wanted to tell her about my doubts regarding our future—about how I didn’t want to be perceived as a money-grabbing mistress. God, I didn’t want that. And I wanted to tell her about Jason grabbed my throat and pressing me against a tree, threatening my entire political existence. With just one strike of his hand—one sent email—he could ruin me. Now that, that was power.
Rachel tipped her glass back, not a glimmer of understanding about what was going on in my brain showing in her face. I sipped at my wine and listened to her talk about her date. This man named Michael—a lawyer who often came into her work, who’d been flirting with her hard the previous few weeks. I knew she hadn’t been happy for years. I wished wholeheartedly for her happiness.
She downed her drink then, and reached for her coat. She swung it around her thin shoulders and nodded toward me. “I know that we’ve spent so much time together. And I’ve appreciated every moment,” she murmured. She looked down toward her feet. I didn’t want this serious conversation. I didn’t feel ready for it. I swallowed.
“Don’t,” I began. “We’ll see each other after your date. I can’t wait to hear all about how it went. You deserve to have adventure, to have things happen to you. You’re one of the good ones.” I brought my hand to her shoulder and clenched it for a moment, giving her my support. She smiled, if only for a moment.
“Okay. I’m off. Please. Relax, tonight. Don’t think about Xavier, about his wife, about Jason. Just allow yourself to be—free.” She nodded toward me, her eyes yielding affirmation.
I watched her leave the apartment. In that moment, I felt so lonely—but also so free. I realized that I was so rarely by myself. I could create a moment of self-reflection, of self-comprehension. I poured myself another glass of wine—this one even bigger and stronger than the previous one. I sat back and guzzled it in her great easy chair, allowing my eyes to glaze over in the haze of the television. I imagined myself with a normal life, outside of the White House, never having known the President of the United States. No. No. I shook my head ravenously. Things were precisely what they were meant to be. This was my destiny. Every step I’d taken, every move I’d made through the previous campaign, through my work with the congressman, through my work at the helm of this campaign had been appropriate, full-formed. I was taking the appropriate steps.
And someday, I knew, I would feel free.
I allowed myself to filter off, to fall asleep for a few hours, waiting up for Rachel. I knew she would be gushing with details about her date when she returned, and my ears ached for the details. I wanted to live in another person’s story, for a moment.
Finally, at around 10 in the evening, Rachel burst through the door, her smile beaming her face. She looked almost clown-like, with her red lipstick and her bright expression. I brought my hands to my face, shocked awake with the noise. She clattered her keys on the kitchen table and brought her fists to her cheek, preparing a little ditty, a little dance for me. I shook my head back and forth toward her, unsure of what to say.
“So—it went well?” I finally asked her, laughing a bit, deep in my gut.
She nodded, bursting. Her face had turned a subtle red. “It went so well, Amanda.” She sat before me then, on the coffee table. She’d poured herself another glass of wine, and her face gleamed already of many alcoholic drinks. I laughed for a moment. “We talked about everything. He told me about his—his career, his dreams, his passions. And I told him about how I’d had to rework my dreams to account—to account for the fact that politic
s wasn’t actually in the cards for me. You know?”
I nodded, feeling my stomach brim with a sense of pride. “Wow.” My words were nearly breathless.
She nodded. “He’s a real gentleman. Someone I could—I could see myself with.” Her eyes were bright toward me. “I feel excited, deep in my gut. Like—like things are happening. Is this how you felt when you first—“
“When I first met Xavier?” I asked her then. I continued the sentence with a breathless intensity, understanding her question. I began to nod, knowing that this was the truth. I had absolutely fallen for Xavier in much the same way. I had seen him and understood, almost immediately. He was the person I most wanted in my life. “I think so.”
She bit her lip. “I think I understand your situation a bit better, now. I can’t—I can’t imagine feeling this way, and knowing that there was a blockage. A—a wife in the way of my love and happiness.” She bowed her head, looking toward her perfect, slim feet.
I paused for a moment, allowing us to sit in comfortable silence. I knew I needed to tell Rachel about the truths of the previous few days. I knew I needed to get it all off my chest. I cleared my throat. “Rachel?” I whispered.
Her eyes darted back toward me. “What is it?”
“It’s just that Camille found out.”
Rachel’s eyes widened. She brought her free hand to her chest. “No.”
I nodded. “She—she walked in on us the other day. I immediately thought we were done for.” I snapped my fingers, hearing the echo in the small living room. “But she just stood there, allowing us to get dressed before her. And then, she told us that it was easier for her that Xavier was having an affair.” I furrowed my eyebrows, unsure of what to say next. The entire story seemed to be frothing from my mouth.