Losing Her

by Mariah Dietz

  “Don’t worry, Ace. This boat is tough and dependable. She just needs some love. I’m sure we won’t come across any fish with teeth today.” He turned back in his seat, facing the front of the boat. He’d been fishing off of the right side of the boat, and I the left so our lines didn’t tangle. I’ve never thought about it, but you leaned back as well. Like his words settled the fear that had so quickly stirred to life in you, making me wonder if I was reading too far into it.

  Zeus slept soundly, wedged between your dad and I, still damp from swimming in the lake while you and I got situated. The water lapped the edge of the boat, filling the air with soft, soothing sounds.

  I felt your stare, and looked up to see the edge of your full lips pull up into a guilty smile. I would’ve given nearly anything to be alone with you. It’s a good thing there weren’t fish in that damn lake because I would have lost my fishing pole if I had gotten a bite. I wasn’t paying attention to anything but how much I wanted to touch every last inch of you.

  You somehow managed to shift your weight and lean forward without making the boat rock. “I know what you’re thinking, and you need to stop. It’s ridiculously distracting.” Your lips barely grazed the top of my ear, sending a wave of heat through me as the temptation to touch you became overpowering.

  My body leaned forward, closing the small space between us, and my fingertips glided along the smooth skin of your thigh. Your lips slightly parted as my hand traveled further up the inside of your thigh. I was caught off guard when I felt your leg go slack as I reached the edge of your shorts. The tips of my fingers entered the small gap between your shorts and inner thigh and swept across the edge of your panties. Your book fell to the floor of the boat with a thud and I pulled my hand back to my fishing rod as your dad turned around.

  “Sor-sorry,” you stuttered, straightening and bending over to retrieve the book. “There was a spider on my leg.” Your lie was terrible, but completely believable since the boat was so filthy. I don’t know if he missed that your cheeks were pink, or just attributed it to the sun because he smiled and turned to face forward again.

  You caught my grin and I saw you working to fight your own as you propped your legs back on the boat, slowly moving to emphasize the fact you were crossing your ankles before hiding behind your book again.

  My body was still buzzing, knowing you were turned-on had half of my brain contemplating how to get you out on a boat in the near future so I could live out this new fantasy, while the other warred to focus on fishing or discussing something like baseball stats.

  We fished for a few hours and it started to get surprisingly warm for the middle of November. I pulled off my sweatshirt and began explaining how the fishing boat I’d been on in Alaska, the Arctic Bull, operated.

  I didn’t realize that you had stopped reading and were paying attention until you asked me a question about the cages we used for crabbing after I explained how heavy they are.

  A few more hours passed with you lost in your fictional world. David looked around, scratching his head and telling me he couldn’t understand why we weren’t getting any bites. It didn’t matter to me; we were planning to release anyway. Plus, the day had been peaceful and the mood light.

  A whining groan broke your dad’s proposal of moving, followed by a loud splash. I turned to look as you sat up and peered over the edge. We were swaying from the loss of weight from the motor.

  You were still staring at the water when you asked, “I don’t suppose we have a set of oars, do we?”

  I knew without looking that the boat of course didn’t, but your dad and I both looked down at the floor of the boat anyway, which indeed didn’t have any oars.

  Your dad took it the best. Remember his reaction? He started with a quiet chuckle that caused the boat to rock as it grew. I don’t know if Zeus eventually sat up to see what he was laughing at, or because the boat was swaying so much but by that point your dad had folded his hand over his chest, his laughter still building. We joined him, laughing until our sides hurt.

  “Well, I think we’re going to get our exercise in today.”

  “Dad, I can’t.” You voice was somber again as your fingers wrapped around the edge of the boat. The morning after you and Kendall had gone skinny-dipping you told me you have no idea how Kendall talked you into going because you were terrified of water, but I thought you had been making a strange joke since Kendall giggled through your confession and you swam all of the time.

  “It’s alright. We’ll just swim a short way to that bank and then walk around the rest of the lake,” he explained, setting his pole down and pointing to the shore.

  “Short distance, short distance. They’re more afraid of me than I am of them.”

  “You’re afraid of fish?” I thought aloud, hearing your quiet mantra.

  “Some of them have teeth! And who knows what else is down there that I can’t see.” You stared at the water like you were willing it to expose secrets.

  “Don’t worry, Ace. Nothing is in there. We’ve had bait on our hooks all day and haven’t had a bite.” You watched me set my fishing pole down, weighing my words as I pulled my sweatshirt back on, since I wasn’t sure of how else I’d be able to keep it. I was glad that we’d only brought a single pole out and weren’t able to fit a tackle box.

  “It’s going to be a cake walk, Ace. You’re going to do great.” Your dad jumped out of the boat with that parting advice. His weight violently shifted the boat, sending you, Zeus, and me into the water as the boat tipped with little warning.

  “Sorry, sorry, sorry!” he exclaimed, swimming over to us.

  “It’s okay. Let’s just go.” Your voice was a little shaky, as your hands ran over your hair, pushing back the water and loose hairs. Zeus set off first, looking more than happy to be swimming. You followed behind him looking stiff and uncomfortable, something I’d never seen from you in water.

  “It feels kind of nice, huh?” We’d been swimming for quite a while when your dad asked. You still looked tense, and the sky was starting to get darker. I didn’t bother responding after realizing he intended the question to be more of a hopeful suggestion.

  It was only a minute or two later that you started screaming and thrashing. “Something touched me!”

  My heart beat like a helicopter rotor, loud and too fast, as I swam closer to you. “I’m sure it was just a lily pad, babe.”

  You reached out and your fingers clasped around my arm. You were terrified.

  “All I can think about right now, is all of those creepy, sharp-toothed fish that I see on River Monsters!” you whined, slowly releasing my arm and swimming forward again.

  “We’re in a lake though.” Your dad’s tone was light, still seeking to comfort you.

  “You and I both know that’s where he finds all kinds of creepy things,” you countered with a shudder, looking back to the water lapping around your shoulders.

  When we made it to shore, my head turned in surprise as you released a small laugh, your shoulders sinking with obvious relief. “Okay, so maybe this fear of lakes is a little ridiculous. That wasn’t so bad.”

  I smiled and peeled off my sweatshirt to wring it out.

  We were all trying to lose some of the water from our clothes when you started screaming and flailing your arms again. You sprinted up the bank, pointing to a snake that moved past us and into the lake.

  “I hate lakes!” you cried, jumping up and down in place a few times.

  I didn’t know what to do. I think I stood there like a moron for a few minutes because honest to God, watching you run around and jump made me want to break into laughter, but it seemed really inappropriate to laugh at you when you had been so freaked out and just endured facing your fear. Not to mention, that snake would have probably made me swallow water if it had come near me when we were swimming. Suddenly, your head fell back and you began laughing.

  “I know, I looked completely ridiculous. You guys can laugh.”

  “Actually,
I was just thinking that you don’t like lakes because you can’t see what’s in them. I think I’d hate lakes if I could. There’s no way I’d get in there if I knew things like that were in there.” A slight tremor shook your dad’s shoulders. “That thing was nasty looking.”

  You nodded, still laughing softly. “Amphibians and reptiles aren’t my thing.”

  “Apparently not,” I said with a smile. “Remind me to never let you look through the pictures J and I have from Alaska.”

  It took us a few hours to walk the perimeter of the lake and reach the SUV. We tried to keep course and follow the shoreline. Occasionally, one of us would veer too close to the lake and you’d hear someone’s shoes slosh in the shallows of the water. You ensured you wouldn’t make that mistake by holding my right hand in your left as we navigated around with Zeus happily meandering in and out of the water, nearly invisible against the darkness.

  “You can ride in the back,” your dad said, clasping a hand on my shoulder when we finally made it back.

  I smiled at him appreciatively, not about to ask if he was sure.

  You spread out a blanket for Zeus in the back, and climbed into backseat. I slid in next to you while your dad went to leave a note about where the boat, or what was left of the boat, was.

  “Sorry this didn’t turn out like you guys were hoping.” Your voice was soft as your thumb traced along my forefinger.

  “No, I was worried I was getting out of shape. That long swim and seven mile hike in the dark was exactly what I needed,” I joked. “Plus, seeing your reaction to that snake made it worth it.”

  “Admit it, that thing was gross!”

  “That was the hottest snake dance that I’ve ever seen.”

  You shook your head and I can guarantee an eye roll accompanied it. “Exactly, how many people can really make the heebeejeebee dance look hot? It’s a gift.”

  I chuckled, pulling you closer so I could kiss you. You kissed me back, not accepting the brief kiss I was intending. Your lips pressed firmly against mine, your tongue sweeping against my bottom lip before you bit it with impatience. I loved it. My hand brought you closer to me, and your hand moved up my thigh to my groin. I caught your hand and pulled back.

  “Trouble, is what they should have called you,” I said, letting out a heavy sigh of regret. The last thing I wanted to do was stop you.

  “Sorry. I just feel like I’ve barely touched you at all today, and after you started things on the boat … my body is still stuck there.”

  “I like when you show me you want me. It’s ridiculously hot. I want you to do that every damn day, just not with your dad looming around outside.”

  I thought that warning would cool you off. Nope. You tried to kill me. Again.

  “It’s really dark out, and even darker in here,” you whispered seductively, moving over until I felt your thigh press against mine. Your hand returned to my lap. “I’ve got some ways to help keep you in shape, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

  “My God, Ace!” I moaned, losing all trace of coherent thought. Then your lips were on mine—soft and smooth, but with a hunger that I yearned to fulfill.

  You broke away and moved back in the seat seconds before the driver’s side door opened. I had no idea how you knew he was coming; part of me was relieved, and a larger part was really disappointed.

  I glanced over at you in the glow of the dome lights, you were looking at me with an elusive grin.

  God I wish you would hurry up and get back here. I feel like there’s this cloud of haze surrounding me that makes it hard for me to feel, or think, or even breathe. What are you doing to me, Ace?

  Come home.

  You are coming back …

  Right?

  God she drove me wild.

  I shake myself awake, pushing the memory away and call to Zeus. Between adopting him and having Kendall living downstairs, my mission of avoiding all things Ace is becoming increasingly difficult, but I couldn’t say no. What makes it even harder is seeing the changes in them since she’s left. I sometimes catch Kendall staring off with tears staining her cheeks or anxiously checking her phone. Each time I catch her in these moods I leave. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to think about it. I already do way too much. Zeus isn’t much better. He lies by the back door with his head between his paws and just waits. He’s never seen her come through this door, never waited for her here. Yet, it’s obvious that’s exactly what he’s doing. The less I think about it, the less it hurts. It never happened. She never happened. I can feel whatever she changed in me transitioning back to what it was.

  Before Ace, I never managed to care about one specific person. I’d experienced brief bouts of infatuation when I saw someone attractive, but generally that died faster than it began. My mom had told me I couldn’t allow my father leaving to affect me, that I had to learn to trust people. However, letting Ace in and having her do the same damn thing, has brought a new revelation to light. I’ll never allow anyone to get that close again. I’ll find someone that just wants to have a good time. That’s all I need—a good time.

  Pulling on some gym shorts and a T-shirt, I make my way to the door with Zeus on my heels. He’s been itching to get outside and run. She conditioned him to get exercise every day, and I’ve been failing miserably at the task.

  I want to go to the gym in hopes that I’ll see the girl who had asked for my help with lifting. I know she was interested in me; she’d made it pretty obvious. But guilt wins, and I clip on Zeus’s leash, making him cower and whine. Ace had never used a leash with him. David was right; Zeus never strayed from her side. However, within the city, cops are happy to write tickets for that shit, and I’m not about to try and convince them that this behemoth of a dog would never take off or hurt anyone.

  Zeus and I start with an easy jog, my legs covering the distance in long strides as Zeus runs beside me, still distracted by the leash that ties us together.

  “You’re alright, big man. It’s not going to hurt you,” I explain as we stop at a corner and he tries to creep backwards, as though he can escape from it. I roll my eyes as the light turns and give him a tug as I start again.

  After a few more blocks, he’s beginning to relax and run beside me, turning his head each time we pass by another runner. I swear he notes every blond we pass, just as I do.

  When we stop a few blocks later at a traffic light, a small dog starts yapping relentlessly from a car parked beside a coffee stand. Clawing at the partially-gapped window as it goes utterly ballistic inside. Zeus watches it for a while then turns his head to look at me, and I shake my head. “I think she wants you, big man.”

  Before the light turns for us to go, I hear a shrill scream and look up to see the small dog scampering toward us in short leaps and bounds. Zeus stands erect, his tongue lolling out, as the dog gets closer. I’ve never seen Zeus encounter another animal, and this dog closely resembles several of his toys in size, coloring, and even sound, so I pull back on his leash to keep him from approaching the dog, slightly shocked by the pull he has.

  “Daisy! Daisy, come here! Bad dog!” I hear a woman calling and watch as the dog skitters to the side, rounding Zeus and me. A wave of purple runs by, chasing the small dog, and Zeus jerks me forward as he follows.

  Within seconds, he’s managed to wrap around the girl dressed in purple workout clothes, tying the three of us together while the small dog stands a few feet from us, yapping incessantly.

  “Daisy!” the woman screeches, pulling on Zeus’s leash in an attempt to lift her foot out.

  My eyes travel over the tight black pants, up to an even tighter purple top, and stop at her face. It’s the girl from the gym.

  Her dark hair whips to the side as she curses and grunts, and then stops when her eyes meet mine.

  “It’s you. Oh. My. God. This is totally insane!” Her voice lilts as a giggle joins her smile.

  I feel my stunned expression slowly fade as I remind myself to smile at her.

>   “I was totally hoping I’d run into you again. I never caught your name from last time. I’m Erin.”

  Standing this close, I can see her blue eyes, which are actually closer to gray, closely resembling steel, and a pattern of freckles that covers her nose and cheeks.

  “Max,” I return.

  “Max, that’s hot.” She smiles at me again, and my eyes travel over her face and dark hair. She looks nothing like Ace.

  She’s perfect.

  Zeus whines, breaking me from my mental comparison, and I lean forward to grab his collar so I can release the leash and unravel the knot we’re tied in.

  “Your dog looks like a bear. He’s fuckin’ ginormous!”

  I release her from the nylon, allowing her to grab her dog that’s still barking. “Yeah, he’s a beast.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Zeus. His name’s Zeus.” I’ve never introduced him as my dog before, and it’s both a little strange, and painful. The slow creep of melancholy threatens to seep over me, and I shove it away with a smile.

  “Well, Max and Zeus, would you like to hang out with Daisy and me?”

  I nod absently. “Yeah, sure.”

  Daisy yaps a few more times, looking slightly demonic as her beady little eyes focus on me. Her entire body convulses as she yips.

  “Maybe we ditch the canines, though.”

  “I was planning to ditch a whole lot more than just them.” She looks at me with an inviting smile, and my body internally wages a war so fast my thoughts can’t keep up as lust and desire work to conquer this strange devotion I can’t seem to shake.

  “My house is six blocks south of here. Why don’t I give you my number you can drop her off and give me a call.”

  “Sounds perfect.” She smiles again before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to my cheek. I swallow the scent of her perfume. It’s a thick, musky vanilla that makes my lungs feel slightly polluted.