by S Kline
***
Dad’s hand is clasped tightly to my little shoulder. I swallow past the lump clogging my throat and blink back the tears threating to stream down my face. Dad isn’t able to control himself in this way. He’s nearly collapsed on his knees, his grip on me and Ronan the only thing keeping him upright. Tears are pouring like a waterfall of sadness down his distraught face.
I want to cry too. I want to have my father wrap his arms around me and allow each other to take comfort in the embrace, but I can’t. I have to be strong. Ardon told me that I need to be the man of the house for a little while. He said that Daddy needed to grieve.
I catch Ardon’s gaze across the shiny black casket that holds the body of my loving Mother. Even through his sad expression I think I can see his pride in my strength. I’m not giving in to the sadness raging inside of me. I’m letting Dad lose himself, and I am standing strong beside him. The burn in my chest as I try to force back the tears is the only sadness I allow my seven year old self to feel, even though I want to collapse in tears.
Ardon has his arms wrapped securely around Deirdre and Addie. Ethan is standing on his mother’s other side, his eyes glued to the ground at his feet. Addie’s face is turned into her father’s suite jacket, and I wonder if she is crying. I’ve known Addie and Ethan all of my life, and I’ve never seen them look so sad. It was a small comfort to know that I wasn’t alone.
The preacher begins speaking again, drawing my attention to where he stands at the head of the burial plot. I haven’t seen Ronan in a long time, but I’m relieved he is here now. I’m strong, but I couldn’t hold Daddy up on my own.
I wonder briefly where his wife is. His daughter? Why aren’t they here to help combat the sadness I can read in Ronan’s gaze? Dylan’s hand grips my other shoulder gently. I glance over, and watch a tear slowly slide its way out of his green eyes. I shake my head at him.
He’s not allowed to cry. We’re a team. If I have to be strong then I need him to be too. He furiously wipes the tear away, smiling crookedly at me. I nod my head in approval of this, before I focus again on whatever the preacher is saying. I can’t understand any of it, and I quickly find myself getting lost in a haze of memories…
“He’s not here.” My mother’s voice echoes through the halls.
I listen through the door of my bedroom to mom’s muffled voice on the other side. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but Luke and Troy left a little bit ago. I’ll let Luke know you stopped by.”
Why is she lying? I’m right in here. I can’t make out the words of whoever she is talking to, but I can tell they aren’t happy.
“No! You can’t come in here! Leave now!”
I grab the door knob, ready to step out and come to my mother’s defense, but I stop cold when a loud noise echoes through the house. I know that sound too well. Someone just shot a gun. My little heart is hammering against my chest, sweat forming on my neck, as my little body begins to tremble.
I’m torn between wanting to go check on her, and staying put. I don’t know who had been on the other side of the door, but Mama had been trying to hide me. I fling the door open and rush down the stairs.
“Mommy!” I yell as loud as I can as I rush to her.
She’s lying just inside the open front door, blood pooling around her head, a small hole hollowing out one side of her skull. My bottom lip trembles as my fear multiplies, tears coating my face.
“Mommy! No! No, no, no… You can’t be… I need you… Mommy!”
I move her arm to wrap around my shoulder as I lie down beside her. I don’t care about the blood I just want my mommy back. I squeeze myself against her as tightly as I can, breathing deeply, trying to capture the scent of cinnamon that is a part of her. I cry so hard my body shakes with the heavy sobs. I just squeeze her tighter, my eyes closing to absorb the feeling of being wrapped in her arms…
***
I bolt upright in bed, Kaci falling from grip with the force of my movements. My body is covered in sweat, and I can feel my heart trying to break free of my chest. I snap my gaze wildly around the room, searching out the ghosts that haunt my dreams. I jump at the feeling of Kaci’s hands on my back.
“Are you okay? What’s going on, Troy?” Her words are soft, gentle, reassuring, everything I need and nothing I deserve.
I pull myself away from her and off the bed and tug on a new t-shirt from my duffel. “I’m fine. Go to sleep.”
I turn and walk out of the bedroom, away from the one person who stands even the slightest chance of chasing away my demons.
Chapter Seventeen
Kaci
My pulse is pounding in my throat and I flinch as the door slams behind Troy’s retreating frame. What just happened? When had he even come to bed? Better yet, why was he running away from me?
I try to push back the fear that maybe this is it. Maybe Troy has had his fill of me, and now he is done. As bad as it hurts to think about, it makes sense. I want to believe what Dylan had told me. I want to believe I am special. I just can’t understand why he would push me away like that. Why he would jerk away from my touch?
I glance around the now dark room. Troy must have switched off the bedside lamp before he’d gotten in bed. I stand, carefully maneuvering my head so I don’t bash it on the wood of the upper bunk. When I’m standing fully I stretch, letting the pull of my muscles push back the pain in my heart. I chew on my lip thoughtfully as I contemplate my next move. Should I go out there and try to talk to him? What if he’s busy with Kane? Maybe I should just go out there and see what’s going on, but not go out of my way to talk to him? Let him come to me?
I don’t want to seem as dependent as I feel. I don’t want Troy to know how bad he’s hurt me by his simple rejection. I don’t want to give him that kind of power. As I go to step out of the room, my hand on the knob, I hear muffled voices on the other side. I can’t tell what they are saying, but I know one of the voices belongs to Troy. The deep vibrations making my knees feel weak even through the thick wood of the door.
I strain to hear what is being said, pushing my ear against the solid door, but I can’t make it out. I exhale a deep breath and swing the door open coming face-to-face with Dylan and Troy. Troy’s hand is gripped into the thick locks of his raven hair; a haunted look lingers in his piercing eyes as he swings his gaze to me. I’m not sure what expression Dylan is wearing, because I can’t pull my eyes from Troy.
This is another look I’ve never seen on his face before, but unlike the one before, I never want to see this one again. He looks utterly defeated as he leans against the wall behind him, arms hanging loosely at his side, and his legs crossed at the ankles. I don’t register Dylan walking away from us until he clears his throat.
I move to step closer toward Troy, but he stops me with a simple hand gesture. I freeze, but I can’t take my eyes away from his.
“What happened, Troy? What’s going on?” The words slip so quietly from my lips I’m not sure he’s heard me until he shifts to a fully standing position and speaks.
“I just need some space, Kaci.” His words hold an air of finality that makes my heart constrict painfully as it hammers in my chest.
I narrow my gaze at him, anger forcing its way out to cover the hurt he’s causing. “So that’s it then? You’ve fucked me, and now you’ve had enough?”
He flinches before grabbing my upper arm, and pushing backwards until my back is pressed against the bedroom door. “Don’t say the word fuck, Kace, especially in reference to what we had.”
I feel the sobs build up in my throat. Had. Not have. I try to jerk away from him, refusing to give into the tears in front of him. Marcus was right.
“Let go of me!” I shout into his face only seconds before he brings a hand up to cover my mouth.
“Don’t yell at me. I’m trying to do the right thing here.”
This makes me pause as I look up into his pained features. “I need you to understand that I have to do this. I need you, Kac
e. I’m not afraid to admit my feelings to you, but I know this will end. You’re more than I deserve.”
I heave in a breath through his fingers as his eyes roam over my face. “I can’t give you any more. I can’t wait for you to destroy me.”
Me destroy him? What the hell does he think his words are doing to me? I‘m so confused by his admissions, my head and my heart dueling for how I should react to him, react to this. I want to wrap my arms around him, beg him to make love to me, but he’s saying goodbye. He’s begging me not to hurt him, but he’s the one walking away?
“There are things you don’t know. Things I’m not ready to share with you.” He lifts his hand from over my lips, and crazily I immediately miss his touch.
“I don’t understand.” The words hiccup out on a silent sob.
Troy looks even more pained by my reaction. One hand lifts to run gently over the side of my face, cupping my jaw. I can feel my bottom lip start to tremble so I bite down on it, roughly pulling it between my teeth.
I can’t stop searching his eyes. There are so many emotions playing on a loop in their icy depths, but the only one I can see clearly is the pain. I lay my hand over his and wrap my fingers around his. I’m not ready for this to be over. I’m not ready to let him walk away from me. I tug him into the bedroom, closing the door behind us.
“Kaci what-“
I don’t let him finish speaking before I grip his face in my hands and glue my lips to his, my heart shattering as his lips remain flat and unmoving under mine. I release him and step back just as humiliation tears through me like hot liquid in my veins.
A sob tears from my throat, but I quickly try to wrangle it under control, my hand resting on my neck, as if this motion alone will force the pain down.
“Kace-“ Troy reaches a hand out to grab at my wrist, but I step back out of his reach.
“You should go, I’m sorry.”
He steps closer again, but I hold a hand up to stop his approach, and thankfully he listens to my silent plea.
“Please go, Troy.”
I think I see regret in his eyes as he turns, and walks back out the door, closing it quietly behind him. I fall to my knees, and the myriad of emotions I’ve been holding back rush forward as a gut-wrenching sob tears itself from my body. This is it. This is the pain I knew was coming. How could I have been stupid enough to think I was different? I’m really nothing more than another conquest. Well good for you Troy. You win. You’ve completely destroyed me.
Chapter Eighteen
Troy
She's been in there for hours and a small part of me wants her to demand I stay. Beg me to not give up. As I glance out the window I can see the sun begin to peek up over the horizon. She may hurt now, but she will heal. I won’t. I’m fractured, shredded, and all of the best pieces of me are in that room with her. I know that I could have been selfish. I know that I could have let things continue the way they were. I could have kept her until she shoved me away, but after that dream…
I think I’ve loved Kaci since I was twelve, and one night wrapped in her arms has changed me forever. She deserves so much more than me. Kaci is the type of woman that deserves a man who won’t lie to her.
I feel so raw, split wide open and displayed in a way I’m uncomfortable with. I'm torn between needing her, and needing to do what is best for her. She'll leave you anyway when she finds out about the baby! My psyche screams at me.
This is what I have to do. Dylan and Sean have kept their distance, knowing that I need this time to myself right now. I had expected to feel some sense of twisted relief knowing I took control. I hurt myself before she could hurt me. But I don't feel anything but pain. The look in her eyes as I'd resisted her. Rejected her.
That look will haunt me for the rest of my life. I grab at my thick strands of my hair roughly as I make my way back into the living room. I’m determined to get this over with so we can get back home. No way can I spend the rest of the week with Kaci this close to me, and not give in to the urge to touch her, to claim her.
I go to the sink and flip on the faucet before rummaging through the cabinets for a glass.
“What are you doing?” Sean’s gruff voice cuts into the silence from behind me.
“Getting this party started.” I don’t look back at him as I grab the first glass I find, and quickly fill it up with water.
I flick off the faucet and move around the counter toward Kane’s sleeping form. I don’t hesitate. I throw the cups contents at him. The water hits his skin and splashes into the air around us as he jerks against his bindings, snapping to attention with a pained gasp.
“The fuck, Troy?” His eyes immediately find me and see the menacing grin on my face.
“Time to call Pops.”
He rolls his head around his shoulders, wincing at the stiffness from being tied up all night. “You gonna untie me first? I can’t really hold a phone like this.”
I shake my head. “Nope. You’ll give me the number. I ‘ll put it on speaker.”
“He’s not stupid, Troy. He aint gonna answer the call if he doesn’t recognize the number.”
“Where is your phone?”
“In my damn pocket.” His groan sounds painful as he shifts his hips. “I think the imprint will be there for weeks after this.”
“It will be a good reminder.” I move closer and kneel on the left side of the chair beside him. “Lift.”
He complies and barely lifts his hip off the chair. It’s just enough for me to squeeze a hand in and slip the phone from his pocket. When I have it I stand and move a few feet away again. I flip open the screen to see an image of Kane and his wife Morgan. She’s looking up at him lovingly, one hand splayed on his chest and her blonde hair floating in the air around them. I smirk and move my gaze between the picture and the redhead still passed out in the corner.
“It’s really not what you think.” I move my gaze to Kane, my disbelief obvious.
“You are one stupid mother fucker you know that?” I move closer flipping the phone around to aim the image his way. “This woman fucking loves you. It’s written all over her damn face. Instead of being shacked up with her, your wife, you’re with that slut.” I nod my head in the direction of the redhead.
His lips press together in a flat line, and his eyes refuse to meet my gaze. “It’s not what you think.” he replies.
I laugh sardonically, but before I can say more Sean speaks. “We should really wake her up, and send her on her way.”
I move away from Kane, and nod as I walk toward her. I bend down, and pull a pocket knife from my back pocket before I cut the tape off her wrists. As the tape snaps free I look up to be met with her heated dark stare once again.
Annoyed I start to stand but she grabs my face and presses her lips to mine, hard. I grip her shoulders, pulling her back from me as a shocked gasp rings out behind us. I swivel around quickly to see Sean holding Kaci back. Her hand is splayed over her lips and tears are streaking down her beautiful face. I jump up, and my feet move toward her without thought.
“What’s wrong, Troy? You can fuck me in front of a room full of people, but don’t want your girlfriend to watch me kiss you.” The redhead speaks, and Kaci collapses into Sean at her words, sobs tearing through her tiny body.
I whirl around, anger clouding all rational thought. “You, shut the fuck up! Just get the fuck out of here, now!”
She laughs. The bitch laughs at my misery. I feel my fist tighten at my side. I’ve never hit a woman, but I really want to hit this one.
“Get the fuck out of here, Callie.” Kane’s words are harsh, and thankfully she complies, strutting out the front of the cabin just as Dylan stumbles out from the opposite bedroom Kaci had been in.
“What happened?” His voice is still groggy with sleep.
I ignore him and move toward Kaci again. I reach a hand out to run over her tear splattered cheek, my chest constricting as she flinches away from my touch. “Kace-“
She turns and
storms away from me, back into the bedroom, giving me no chance to explain.
“She was at that party, Troy.”
“What party?” I snap at Sean even though he doesn’t deserve my anger.
His gaze narrows, shifting from sympathetic to annoyed in an instant. “The last one we had at the house. The redhead you fucked on the sofa in front of half the party. She wasn’t lying. I thought she looked familiar, but I couldn’t figure it out until she said that.”
I nod at Sean as the memories start to flood back to my brain. My mistakes once again coming back to haunt me. Will this torment ever end? It takes everything in me not to walk back there and comfort Kaci. Try to explain.
What difference would it make? In the end I still couldn’t let her in. Our relationship would still end. I look back at Kane’s phone, scrolling through his contacts until my thumb hovers over Delvin’s name. I move closer to Kane, squatting down in front of him, and hitting the call button.
“Show time.” I whisper the words menacingly, my inner pain fueling my anger, and sending my emotions on a rampage.
I can see Kane’s Adams apple bob as the phone begins ringing over the speaker.
“Kane?” A deep, aged voice questions over the phone, and a wicked grin slips onto my face.
I need to unleash this beast inside me, and Delvin Kennedy seems like the best target. “Try again, Pops.”
Kane’s eyes widen when I respond before he has a chance to speak. That wasn’t part of the plan.
“Who is this? What are you doing with my son?” Delvin’s weathered voice softens a little with the concern lacing his words.
“I have Kane here with me.” I slip the knife back out of my pocket, and switch the blade open. “Say hi, Kane.” I say the words as I stab the knife into his upper thigh.
A scream tears through him, and Delvin’s voice grows frantic as he begins pleading loudly for me to stop. I twist the blade, Kane’s scream echoing louder with each turn. Sean grips my wrist bringing my gaze up to his. I pull the knife from Kane’s thigh, and look at the blood painting the length of the blade. I wipe it off on the fabric of his boxer shorts. He whimpers and groans, sweat beading his temples, trailing down his face.