“Dr. Sprinkles, what are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m watering the wino tree.”
A wino tree. I should’ve guessed. Any place that had one-eyed thumb things and Upside Downers would naturally have a wino tree.
The wino tree belched. It was the most musical burp I ever heard. Too bad I couldn’t download it on iTunes.
I glided through the crowd, introducing myself. If only my parents could see me now. They’d be so impressed. They’d stop talking about Bobby forever.
My mom would run around town saying, “My son was chosen to save the planet.”
And my dad would never again say, “My son Bobby is number one in his class.” Instead, he’d say, “My son Giles is an intergalactic hero.”
The more I thought about it the more convinced I was that I should tell Navida.
Dr. Sprinkles tapped a spoon against her glass. “Attention, everyone.” The room went quiet. “Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Giles will recite a poem.”
“What?” I blurted. “No one told me I had to give a reading.”
“Please, Giles,” said Dr. Sprinkles, her face moving counterclockwise.
How could I say no? The lady was about to give me an army of droids and a flyplane. The least I could do was provide some entertainment. And besides, I kind of liked the idea of Tula watching me perform. She was the cutest blue girl I’d ever seen.
I winked at her as I made my way toward a microphone in the center of the room. “This poem is called ‘Pigeons,’” I said. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.
“I feed them bread
to keep them from
pooping on my head.”
The entire crowd burst into applause.
“Bravo!” yelled the one-eyed thumb things.
“That was practically Shakespearean,” shouted Mrs. Upside Downer.
We were having the greatest time when suddenly things turned nasty. Things usually turn nasty when a lady giant shows up. She came crashing up through the floor, overturning a buffet table. She was thirty feet tall and had baseball bat–size fangs and lots of tentacles.
She was decked out in a plaid dress, thick makeup and silver earrings bigger than garbage can lids. She grabbed Dr. Sprinkles with a tentacle. “You stole my shoes!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Dr. Sprinkles, dangling in midair, quivering like a bowl of Jell-O.
“I was at the mall,” growled the giantess. “There was a shoe sale.”
“So?” said Dr. Sprinkles.
“You snatched a pair of black sandals off the rack. I saw them first.”
She had tiny feet for a giant.
“Honey,” said the doctor, “it’s the law of the jungle at a shoe sale.”
The giantess bared her fangs. “Honey, it’s the law of the jungle right now too.”
“How did you find me?” asked the doctor.
“A realtor gave me your address.”
“Jerry!” I yelled.
“I think that was his name,” said the giantess, tossing me a business card.
The card belonged to Jerry. It was a hologram. A miniature 3-D Jerry smiled up at me and said, “Hi, I’m Jerry. Selling real estate is in my blood. I closed my first deal before I was even born. I rented my mother’s womb to my twin sister for two thousand gakmas a month. Hire me to sell your house or condo. Satisfaction guaranteed.”
I flung the card down on the ground and stomped on it.
The giantess was about to gorge on Dr. Sprinkles. If she got eaten, my species was in big trouble. The Eco-droids and the flyplane weren’t finished yet. Without her gadgets I could never clean Manhattan in one day.
The doctor was inches away from the monster’s mouth.
“Wait, you can’t eat me now,” said Dr. Sprinkles. “There’s a poetry recital going on.”
“What does that have to do with it?” asked the giantess.
“It would be impolite to the author.”
The giantess glanced down at me. “Sorry, kid. She stole my shoes.”
“Now, hold on a second,” Tula said. “Do you have a permit to eat scientists? Rule Three-zero-forty-two in the intergalactic predatory handbook clearly states that a scientist may not be eaten without a permit.”
“As a matter of fact I do,” said the giantess.
Tula marched right up to the monster. “Show it to me.”
“Where did I put that permit?” said the giantess.
“It’s right here, Mommy,” hissed a baby giant, emerging from a pouch in the mother’s belly.
“Thank you, pumpkin.” She handed the permit to Tula.
Tula examined it.
The baby giant, who was roughly the size of an automobile, sniffed Dr. Sprinkles, drooling. “Mommy, can I have her eyeballs?”
“Of course you can, darling.”
“They taste better than a hot fudge sundae,” said the baby monster.
“Can’t we come to some kind of agreement here?” asked Dr. Sprinkles.
“Yes, the agreement is I’m going to eat you,” said the giantess.
“This permit seems to be in order,” Tula said calmly.
The lady giant unhinged its jaws and was about to gobble Dr. Sprinkles. Tula tapped on one of her tentacles. “What do you plan to do with the brain?”
“What do you mean what do I plan to do with it?” asked the giantess. “I plan to eat it.”
“You’re not allowed to eat the brain of a scientist from the Royal Federation of Universal Science,” explained Tula.
“I’m so glad I paid my membership dues,” mumbled Dr. Sprinkles.
The giantess seemed totally perplexed. “If I can’t eat the brain then what am I supposed to do with it?”
“It must be shipped back to federation headquarters, where it will be re-inserted back into Universal Brain, from which all intelligence emanates,” Tula said.
“OK,” said the giantess. “I’ll send it back.”
“How will you store the brain when you carry it across the galaxy?” asked Tula.
“I’ll put it in my handbag.”
“Wrong. You’ll contaminate it. A brain belonging to a scientist from the Royal Federation of Universal Science must be transported in a…”
“I have a better idea,” roared the giantess, getting rather frustrated. She dropped Dr. Sprinkles and pounced on Tula. “Why don’t I eat you instead?”
I was about to become lawyerless. Now I was really in trouble. But the girl was fearless.
“Do you have a permit for eating lawyers?” Tula said.
“No, but I have a mouth for eating lawyers. I have razor-sharp teeth also.”
“Then you’ll be sent to prison and your child will be raised in an orphanage,” Tula said.
“I DON’T WANT TO BE AN ORPHAN!” screamed the baby giant.
“My pumpkin, an orphan? Never!” The lady giant dropped Tula and disappeared through the hole in the floor.
Dr. Sprinkles climbed up off the floor while her face spun mad circles around her body. “That was a close one.”
“Party’s over,” Tula said. “Giles has a quest to embark on.” She cast a stern eye at the doctor. “Dr. Sprinkles, I want your word of honor that the Eco-droid, the flyplane and everything else Giles needs for his quest will be finished by tomorrow afternoon.”
The blob placed her hand over her heart. “You have my word of honor.”
“Good,” Tula said.
The parking meter came rolling toward me. “Giles, let me come with you to Earth.”
The last thing I wanted was a stupid parking meter.
“No, Stanley,” I said. “You stay here and keep an eye on Dr. Sprinkles. Don’t let her go shoe shopping. If she tries to go to a mall, spit a quarter at her.”
“Will do,” Stanley said. “You can count on me.”
“I know I can.”
“I’m behind you one hundred percent, Giles.”
“That’s good to kno
w.”
When Stanley went for a bowl of quarters, I grabbed Tula by the arm. “Come on, Tula. Let’s get out of here before that parking meter comes back.”
She pressed the black button on her briefcase. Instead of returning to my bedroom in New York City, we ended up in a chicken coop, surrounded by hundreds of chickens. I had feathers all over me. So did Tula. It was so cramped I couldn’t even stand. And guess what? The chickens weren’t happy we dropped by to say hello. They were clucking like crazy. One landed in Tula’s puffy blond hair.
“They don’t have chicken coops in Manhattan. Where are we, Tula?”
I’d never seen Tula so embarrassed. She read some GPS coordinates on the side of her briefcase. “Door County, Wisconsin.”
“What are we doing here?”
“I’m sorry, Giles. I made a mistake. Sometimes I don’t focus like I should. My mind gets scattered. I have so many cases, so much going on.”
I knew just what that felt like!
“So you do make mistakes just like me. You’re actually capable of screwing up.” I sat down in the hay. “I’m so happy to be in a chicken coop. You have no idea how happy I am to be surrounded by chickens.”
“OK, Giles,” she said, rather annoyed. “You don’t need to keep rubbing it in.” She removed the chicken from her head. “Let’s get out of here.”
Until now, she seemed too perfect to ever date a mere Earthling.
Back in my bedroom, I bolted the door to keep Grandma out. Tula cleaned us both off with a wave of her briefcase. I couldn’t have smelled better if I had taken fifty showers.
We fell asleep on my couch. When we woke up it was Wednesday morning.
“I’ll be back in an hour,” she said. “Staff meeting at my law firm.”
She disappeared.
It was time to tell Toshi everything I knew.
CHAPTER TEN
WHENEVER TOSHI ORDERED a slice of pizza he got it with quadruple extra cheese. I respected that. How can you not respect a kid who gets quadruple extra cheese?
He lived with his mom on the eighteenth floor of our building. A nanny took care of him when his mom was on tour. Toshi’s mother was one of the greatest modern dancers in the world. Whenever she performed in her native Japan they practically had riots. She wanted Toshi to follow in her footsteps. Their apartment had a sprawling dance floor, with mirrored walls and a ballet bar.
Toshi’s mom and dad were getting divorced. His dad, a music producer, had moved to Connecticut. Toshi was devastated by it. That was one of the reasons I decided to bring him in on the quest. Saving the planet seemed a good way to stop dwelling on the fact that your parents are splitting up.
I sent him a text message as soon as Tula went to her staff meeting. Toshi was off getting a haircut. I waited for him for in the lobby of our building.
I bumped into Grandma on her way out the front door.
“Where you going, Grandma?”
“To see the hypnotist.”
Grandma has had trouble sleeping ever since Grandpa died. She’s tried sleeping pills, everything you could imagine. Nothing has cured her insomnia. She got so desperate a month ago she hired a hypnotist but it hasn’t helped. I thought he was ripping her off. That made me really mad. You want to become an archenemy of mine? Go mess with my grandma.
She kissed me on the forehead. “Please stay out of trouble.”
“You can count on me, Grandma.”
Ten minutes later, Toshi showed up. I yanked him into the elevator before anyone else could get on. “Toshi, I need you to help me save the planet from an alien invasion.”
He jabbed the button for the eighteenth floor. “I have to rehearse.”
“Toshi, this is no time for ballet.”
“Giles, you don’t understand. My mom will kill me if I don’t practice my pirouettes.”
The elevator door opened on the third floor. Buck got on. He was our age but already the size of an NFL linebacker. His dad was the building superintendent.
He grunted. “Well, look who it is. The poet and the dancer boy. What are you sissies up to?”
We didn’t say anything. Getting stuck in an elevator with a bully is worse than getting stuck in a tree house with a big black snake. I wondered if I could just get Buck sent to Desoleen. Maybe I could talk to the judge about it.
He elbowed Toshi in the ribs. “I asked you a question. What are you sissies up to?”
“Nothing, Buck,” Toshi mumbled.
Toshi was half my size. If I’m a shrimp then he was a rock shrimp. He was even more pickonable than I was. Toshi was the most pickonablest kid you ever met.
Buck grabbed Toshi by the throat and lifted him up off the floor. “I don’t get it. Your ancestors were ninja and samurai. What’s your problem? Oh that’s right. You don’t do kung fu. You do ballet.” Buck cackled and let Toshi go.
Toshi crumpled onto the floor.
Buck’s cackle turned into a long cruel laugh. “You don’t have a black belt. You have a tutu.”
Toshi was about to cry. I sure hope he didn’t start bawling. He’d never hear the end of it. I had to do something. Out of nowhere a poem popped into my head.
“Hey, Buck,” I said, “I just came up with a new poem. Wanna hear it?”
Still crouched on the floor, Toshi looked up at me as if I was insane. Normally the last thing I’d do is tell Buck about my poetry. But when you’ve hung out with the Upside Downers everything inside you goes topsy-turvy.
“Sure, Nimmer,” Buck said. “Let’s hear your stupid poem.”
I cleared my throat.
“I’m thinkin’
of buyin’ a lion.
I’ll feed him bullies and jerks.
That’s how it works.
I’m thinkin’
of buyin’ a lion.”
Buck got right in my face. “Nimmer, did you just threaten to feed me to the lions?”
“I’d never do that, Buck.”
“Got any money?” he asked.
“I’m broke,” I said.
“Sure you are. Your mom and dad are millionaires.” He punched me in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe. “Give me all your money and maybe I won’t kill you.”
He nailed me again in the stomach. I didn’t feel so brave anymore.
“OK, OK,” I said, wheezing, digging into my pocket, pulling out three twenty-dollar bills. “Take it.”
He got off on the eleventh floor.
Toshi and I kept going up.
I was trying to regain my breath and Toshi was rubbing the back of his head when Tula climbed down from the escape hatch in the top of the elevator.
“You mean you were up there the whole time?” I said in shock. “Why didn’t you help me?”
Toshi whimpered. “Giles, that’s … that’s … an alien.”
“I loved your lion poem, Giles,” Tula said.
That was no consolation.
“You saw him kicking my butt and you didn’t try to help me? Some lawyer you are.”
“Giles,” Toshi said, trying to hide behind me, “who … who … is this blue girl?”
“She’s my lawyer. I thought she was on my side. Obviously she’s not.” I was so angry. “Why didn’t you chop off his arms and legs? You’ve got superpowers. Why didn’t you sic your briefcase on him?”
“I would’ve resorted to violence, Giles,” Tula said.
“Hallelujah!” I shouted.
“I wouldn’t have been able to control my rage.”
“And what’s wrong with that?” I asked.
“Giles, listen,” Tula said. “I made a pledge to live a life of nonviolence. It’s as important as the pledge I took to never tell a lie. If I ever broke either one of those pledges I’d get kicked out of my law firm.”
“A law firm that believes in honesty and nonviolence?” I said. “You really are an alien, aren’t you?”
She ran a blue finger along the gold letters engraved on the side of her briefcase: KINDNESS FIRST. ALWAYS AT ALL TIM
ES. ALWAYS. “This is the motto of my law firm.”
“I get that with animals. They’re defenseless. But Buck sure as heck isn’t.”
“It doesn’t matter, Giles,” she said. “You must treat him the same.”
“You mean I have to be kind to my enemies?”
“Especially your enemies,” Tula said.
“Fine,” I said. “I don’t need your help. I … I just don’t like people spying on me.”
“Will someone please tell me how an alien got in the elevator?” Toshi said. “Someone needs to explain that to me right now.”
“Toshi, how rude of me. My name is Tula. I’ve been chosen to…”
“She’s been chosen to make a fool out of me,” I said.
“I’ve been chosen to represent you, Toshi,” she said.
“Represent me for what?”
“We’re getting kicked off the planet,” I said.
If I had known she was up there I never would’ve handed over the money without a fight.
When a girl you’ve got a crush on sees you at your weakest moment, life can’t get much worse. It was more embarrassing than if I’d forgotten to lock the bathroom door and she’d walked in and caught me popping a zit on my face.
She’d never go out with me after this. Who would ever kiss a coward? Lawyers probably weren’t supposed to kiss their clients anyway. Not that it mattered now.
“Who’s getting kicked off the planet?” Toshi said.
“Our entire species,” I said.
“This is really starting to freak me out,” Toshi said.
“Don’t worry, Toshi,” Tula said. “The eviction process can be halted.”
“You know what can’t be halted?” Toshi said. “Ballet. If I don’t practice ballet my mother will kill me. That’s where I’m going right now. To practice ballet. I don’t want to hear anything else about the end of the world.” He stuck his fingers in his ears. The elevator doors opened. Toshi marched down the hallway. “You’re not even a real alien. You’re just some kid in a cool costume.”
He threw open the door to his apartment.
Half a dozen aliens in all shapes and sizes were doing ballet, pirouetting up the side of a wall, somersaulting across the ceiling.
An alien ballet teacher hovered in midair, bellowing, “That’s it, ladies. One, two, three, four … one, two, three, four…”
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