All–of–the–time.
I’ve been seeing a counselor. She’s helped me to understand several things. For one, I’ve finally begun to see my parents for who they are. They are mean, horrible people that felt so bad about themselves, that they felt the need to constantly put me down, which is their problem and was never mine. They don’t define me and what kind of person I am or who I choose to become.
I remember leaving a session, going home and looking up in the dictionary what self-worth meant. This is what it says:
Self-worth: the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect
It struck a chord with me and made me think. I alone define my own self-worth. Not a boy, but me. No one else can make me feel good about myself. My own personal value is what matters, not what anyone else thinks or says. But mine.
As for my parents. They refuse to speak to me. I still don’t know who my real father is, but maybe one day, my mom will come around and provide some information. But, I’m not holding my breath.
Shelby’s provided me with a loving home and has become the mom that I was always lacking, and who I will always be eternally grateful for.
As for Tori, I couldn't have asked for a better best friend. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. She saw things in me, before I ever saw them in myself.
There’s still several months of school left and then I'll move on to college. This time, I’m not as anxious to leave.
As far as Maverick goes, he's always around and ever patient with me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s waiting for the green light. But, he knows I need this time and true to his word, he’s waiting. As far as us getting back together? I see it in the very near future.
I'm not healed yet and I probably won’t ever be. I believe that this is something I may truly never get over, but will hopefully get easier with time.
I’m finally seeing myself in a different light, than I did three months ago. I have a guy that loves me and who’s willing to wait for me. I have a best friend who’ll always be there for me in a heart beat, and defend me from the ‘bitches’.
I no longer use the mirror as a form of personal punishment. Now when I look, I see me. Charlie, with a boy's name. Who’s more confident, kind, smart and finally starting to see herself as pretty and kind of special.
Gone is the tear streaked, over weight, double chinned, ugly girl that I once saw when I stood in front of the mirror. Gone, is the plain Jane girl.
THE END
Look for book 2 Heart Strings in the Love Note Series
Coming Winter 2013
Continue to read a sneak peak of Heart Strings
&
The first chapter of Seeking Havok
By Lila Felix
Heart Strings
Prologue
It was spring break here in Georgia and we’d all decided to spend the day at the lake. It looked like we might be heading into an early summer. The weather in Georgia could be unpredictable most of the time. One day cool, the next hot and humid.
There’s just the four of us. Me, Will, Maverick and Charlie. Yes, Maverick and Charlie have made their way back to each other; they’re stuck to each other like glue. I don't think he’ll ever make the mistake he did last time. Maverick’s knee’s are healed, but he still fights a slight limp. He’ll never play professional football again, but seems content with it. As smart as he is, he’ll probably still end up with an academic scholarship and try his hand at something else.
Charlie’s come a long way. She’s finally happy. Happier than I have ever seen her. She still has moments of insecurity. I think she always will. Charlie needed to finally see what we all have been seeing the whole time. That she’s an awesome beautiful girl and a great friend. There’s nothing ordinary about Charlie. She needed to do it when she was ready. But she holds her head up more and smiles all of the time now. Maverick’s usually making her laugh or it’s my smart ass mouth.
The very first time I met my friend, she was just a shell of the person, she is now. She looked broken and beaten and I knew I needed to be her friend. Sometimes you can just sense that someone needs you and she was it for me. But what she doesn’t realize, is that I needed her just as much.
Her parents still don't speak to her and in a small way I think it bothers her. She’s still living with us and is a part of my family. We even irritate each other, like sisters often do.
And then there’s Will, who refuses to find a girl no matter how many times I have told him to. It's a little awkward when it's the four of us. In fact, I tend to be the ‘mouthy’ red head he so often likes to refer to me. And yeah, I can also be a complete bitch at times. I think Charlie and Maverick expect me and Will to finally get over it and get together, but it's not that easy. It will never be that easy. Will is a great guy, but we went down this road before and we can't do it again. Sure he’s hot as hell with his blond streaked hair and green eyes, tall with a muscular swimmers frame. I’m attracted to him, you would be crazy not to be. I won't deny that there aren't sparks, because there are, but some things can never be.
You see, as much as I act all together, I have my own insecurities and there are things I just can’t talk about. We all have our own secrets and I have mine and it’s a doozy and I feel so very ashamed.
After everything Charlie went through, and getting her to talk about her parents, here I sit on this beautiful spring break day, with a huge secret I refuse to share.
Aren’t I a hypocrite? I really don't mean to be, but I have to figure things out on my own. Even if it means being alone.
A Note from the Author:
Verbal abuse is something that is rarely discussed, but is very real. It happens everyday. It’s just as horrific as physical abuse, the only difference is you don’t see the outside scars. The scars are internal and is something that never goes away. Most of us have been a victim of verbal abuse. I myself have. I wrote this story with having some experience of it under my belt. Not to the degree of Charlie, thank goodness.
At one time or another we have all questioned our self worth. Most of us still do. I know I do. I may be have written a Young Adult book, but I hope that young and adult alike can take something from this story.
If even one person walks away with the feeling of hope and that they are not alone and can take something away from it, then I will have done what I have set out to do. I can walk away happy and proud.
For more information on verbal abuse you can visit:
www.verbalabuse.com
www.freefromverbalabuse.net
Acknowledgments
There are so many people to thank. The list is endless. First and foremost to my family who went endlessly without a hot meal and a clean house. I’m honestly not joking about the hot meals and clean house. Thank you for your patience, understanding and support! And I swear we will get back into a routine! I love you all to the moon and back.
To the very first person that read my first 7 chapters and told me, “You cannot teach story telling. You either have it or you don't and girl you've got it. Mechanics can be fixed easily.” So my first shout out goes to Lila Felix. You were my very first mentor and cheerleader and then became my confidant. There are not enough words to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me. I love you tremendously. I would not be here without you. You pushed my butt like nobody's business and said, “Yes you can,” especially when I said, “No, I can't.” I am forever in your debt.
Jenn Nunez, my fantastic editor and friend. You are da bomb! I have the up most respect for you. You warned me of the “red” and it didn't scare me like you thought it might. I love you more than you will ever no. Thank you for ALL that you have done for me. Professionally and personally. You have talked me down from the ledge countless times. I love your guts you booger!
Robin Harper, who not only is one of my favorite people in the whole wide world but also my cover designer and owner of Wicked By Design. I cannot ever imagine not ever having you in my life. You as well
were my cheerleader through just about the whole process and pushed my butt onward. I love your face off!
Heather Halloran, I was terrified to have you read my story. I don't know why now. You got it, much like you get me. There was no need for explaining. You just “got” it. Thank you for your endless faith in me and I love you to pieces!!
Krista Ashe, my partner in crime and tat buddy. I love you to bits. Thank you for our every two week dinners. You have no idea how much I look forward to them. You insisted numerous times to help me with LN and I always turned you down, because I didn’t want to mix personal and professional. I’m glad you finally said, “Send it to me,” in that voice that you do! LOL!! You took the time to go through it when you were busy as hell and I will always be appreciative of you. You are an awesome friend and soul sister.
Jenn Foor, you came into my life at a time that I so desperately needed you. You said, “Write it girl and I will pimp the shit out of you.” You didn't have to say that, you just were my friend. For better or for worse. I will always be grateful to you and I love your face off.
Nichole Chase, you took a whole day to talk to me and help me with a teaser. This may seem like a little thing, indeed it was not. You also told me that I could write and had faith in my ability. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. That teaser meant a lot.
Michelle Leighton, you are so special to me. You take the time to talk to me when I need you and ALWAYS say the right things. How you know what to say, I will never know. Thank you for always taking the time. You are such a great listener and so damn wise!
Julie Prestsater, you took time out of your busy schedule to give it a look and an opinion. You even compared it to Judy Blume’s book, Forever. HUGE compliment. Love you!
Heather Allen, I swear we are so much alike it’s kind of scary, but in a good way. I’m grateful for this new friendship and can’t wait to meet you in person. Thank you for spending a Saturday night and Sunday afternoon going over my tenses. You are the Jedi master of tenses!
My beta readers and friends:
Lisa Markson, your review was unreal. I woke up to the best review and you had me in tears. Thank you for reading it and for relating and feeling the story, even if you only read paranormal.
Tami Norman, the day you agreed to be a guest reviewer on the blog, was a most awesome day. You’ve become a friend and have offered insight in to Charlie’s story. You were one of the first to read it and appreciate it. Your review had me in tears. Thank you so much for getting my story and seeing my vision and for all of your help and time. You are most awesome!
Marcia Woodell, who is always there for me and constantly checking on me. You are a rock star lady! Your friendship really means a ton. You said you would be there when I needed you. And yes you were. Thank you my friend!!
Lisa Rutledge, you read my story and saw past the issues that needed to be fixed. I value your opinion and am so grateful for your advice. You are a doll and am so glad to call you friend.
To my friend Tiffiney Eaton. Honey you are the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for. From day one you said I could do it (even though you have this convoluted story in your head about lunch room ladies). Not going to happen, so give it up. You've been with me through the beginning and watched me to the end. You have listened to me discuss plot, story lines, names and the whole nine yards. All you have ever cared about was getting this paperback book in your hot little hands. Girl, you deserve one after all you've had to listen to. I love you so much and cannot imagine my life without you.
To my fabulous Etowah High School, Cafeteria Co-Workers, a HUGE thank you for listening to my endless chatter about my book. Annette, Danielle, Anne, Linda, Tiffiney, Lisa, Sandy, Gayla & even you Scott who realized not too long ago that I was even writing one. How you missed it, I will never know…
Sandy Nail, my Etowah Manager, you deserve to have your own little paragraph. You are such a God send to me. Girl, you have so much faith and trust in me that it astounds me. Love you bunches!!
To my mom who held the faith and hope that one day I would be able to make my dream come true and to my sister who continued to tell me how proud she was of me, for finally following my dreams. Thank you, I love you both.
To all of the bloggers that helped spread the word. A huge thanks to Sandy Borrero, for your cheerleading skills, You rock!!
Harley Myers, thank you my dear for reading this early on and giving me some insight into your thoughts on LN and especially Maverick!
To my kids at Etowah High School, that tease me endlessly and give me so much crap, but supported me and asked me every week when I was going to release LN, just so they can buy it and read it, so you guys deserve a special thanks. Huge shout out to Ty, Will, Tyler and Jasper. You guys
always asking, was kind of a big deal. You never forgot about it. Ya’ll are kind of cool! Just don’t tell anyone I said so…
Thank you to everyone that shared this book and helped make this dream of mine, that I’ve had for over 20 years, finally come true.
Play list for LOVE NOTES
Fucking Perfect by Pink
Try by Pink
Free Fallin by Tom Petty
Demons by Imagine Dragons
Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons
Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
This Time by Imagine Dragons
Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran
Girl Next Door by Saving Jane
Come Down to Me by Saving Jane
Show Me What Your Looking For by Carolina Liar
Don't Stop Believin by Journey
You Found Me by The Fray
She Is Love by Parachute
Don't You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia
The Funeral by Band of Horses
Spinning by Jack's Mannequin
The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin
All We Are by Matt Nathanson
Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson
Lights by Ellie Gouldie
Little Talks of Monsters and Men
Let Me Love You by Ne-yo
Stupid Boy-Cassadee Pope
Hall of Fame-The Script & Will.I.Am
Breath Me by Sia
A Thousand Years by Christina Perri & Steve Kazee
All I've Ever Needed-Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed
An excerpt from Lila Felix’s upcoming novel Seeking Havok. Expected release date: Fall 2013
HAVOK
I was about 98.973% sure I wouldn’t get accepted into college because of my name alone. Seriously, what college administrator in their right mind would admit a person named Havok, a name that not only portrayed a troublemaker, but one that was also clearly spelled wrong; I’m sure the bong my mom smoked before she went into the hospital, while in labor, didn’t help the name she came up with either. I could just imagine an enormous cherry wood collegiate boardroom table surrounded by gray browed administrators sipping Bourbon and discussing how ludicrous my name was. Every time I wrote my name on a college application, an essay, Calculus homework or even my own shoes, I wanted to clock my mom in the face with a dictionary opened to the page with the correct spelling: HAVOC. And let’s say, just for argument’s sake that she liked the name Havok, and that it was spelled right, a nice middle name would’ve sufficed. I would be giddy as a freckled kid with a lollipop to have a middle name like Susan or Michelle, hell I would take something a little quirky like Paige. But what did I get named? Havok Jocelyn Daniels. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue, huh?
And I’m sure if my mom knew who my dad was, surely he would’ve put a swift stop to naming me Havok. I can’t imagine that she didn’t know who he was; she just didn’t want to tell me.
I sat in my closet and finished my homework by the light of one of those ‘put it anywhere’ light bulbs sold only on TV, even though I bought it at the drugstore, and kept having to swat the hem of a flowered dress from my face. She’s not that bad of a mother. She doesn’t make me stay in the closet. It’s my choice. Because what’s outside o
f this closet? The things that happen between the sliding mirrored doors of this closet and the apartment door were vomit inducing. Plus, I kinda liked the closet; it was my own personal safe haven.
I pressed the button on my watch to make it glow for me, five thirty. I had to wake her up in an hour and a half, no earlier, no later. I had plans to meet Ali at her house for dinner. Ali was my best friend. She had twelve brothers and sisters and usually, if they didn’t outright count the heads at the table, I was overlooked. It worked to my advantage because if it weren’t for the Blakely family, I probably wouldn’t eat dinner at all.
I snuck in the kitchen an hour later to turn on the coffee pot, and then back to finish my homework. I listened to the radio on an old Walkman all while watching the time like I was on the watch’s salary. I stared at six fifty nine until the minute finally ticked by. I slid the door open and looked both ways before crossing the room. There’s no telling what waited for me outside of those doors. And the traffic through this place was fast and furious–and icky.
Love Notes Page 18