Music Notes (Heartbeat #3)

by Renee Lee Fisher

  “What’s this, what’s happening?” my voice was cracking. I was getting so upset. “Rand, tell me, what’s going on?” I searched his face for an answer. The doctor began to speak, and I was by Rand’s side holding his hand and listening to every single word that came from the doctor’s mouth. I heard him and I couldn’t respond. He began to repeat himself a second time to me like I didn’t hear him the first time. I put my hand up to stop him from repeating his words entirely. I heard that Rand may die. He’s in kidney failure, and although he has two kidneys the better of the two is not in great shape. He is in serious condition. He needs a donor or he will require dialysis the rest of his life, a machine to save him. I heard all of that and decided to do what I could to make this better. “Okay, we’ll find a donor, let’s do this.” I wasn’t going to show weakness even though it felt like my heart was being torn from my chest. “Get your list of donors and let’s get a match and get him to surgery.” I was talking so fast, planning this and willing this to get corrected quickly.

  “Madison, he will go onto the waiting list. There are so many others ahead of him already waiting for an organ,” the doctor stated. I heard this too, and then, I broke. I put my hand to my mouth to hold in the uncontrollable whimpering that suddenly overcame me. Rand closed his eyes, and tears streamed from the corners. I knew he felt beaten down. The doctor said that we had some options and perhaps we could find a family member to donate one of their healthy kidneys. It would be a very serious surgery for the person willing to donate as well.

  “Can I donate?” I shouted, “I will!” The doctor suggested to first see if we could find a family member, since they would be more likely to be a match. “Then we’ll find that for you Doctor, someone, anyone who is a match would do this for Rand without hesitation.” The doctor left us and I knew that Rand was lost in his pain. “Babe, we will get through this, I know we will. You have far too much waiting for you at home to be taken away from any of us,” I struggled to keep my voice calm. His dry lips crossed over my soft ones. It was not even a slight kiss, just a rough touch. Rand was very weak and this all happened so fast. I stayed with him for so long not wanting to leave his side. I wanted him to feel me there and know what he had to live for and fight for. When he finally tired and drifted off to sleep, I slid out from his light hold and gathered my jacket and purse to head home. I needed to grab more some things, and get back before he would wake up again.

  My eyes told the story when I arrived home late in the morning. As Maxwell, my mom and Jillian were all lying in the living room with blankets and pillows, they thought that since I didn’t call they were keeping Rand overnight, and I was just staying with him. But clearly the look on my face told them something much more was happening. I had forgotten to call any of them because my mind was only on Rand.

  As I hugged Jillian I whispered, “Oh God, I can’t lose him…I will not survive this if he leaves me.” I broke into tears, nothing could comfort me right now.

  “Madison what is wrong, what did they find at the hospital?” she asked so concerned. I pulled her to the sofa and held on to her hand in mine. Jillian softly rubbed her hand over mine as we attempted to comfort one another. I began to tell them how sick Rand was. I had to stop many times as I couldn’t catch my breath. “He needs a donor as soon as possible or he may not survive…” I continued. “He is so weak and pale, he doesn’t look like he will be strong enough…”

  “Madison, he will make it. I will donate any organ that boy needs!” Maxwell emphasized. He really did love Rand like his own son.

  I think sleep is over rated sometimes, but this morning I would have given anything for a few hours of real rest. We were all still huddled in the living room this morning when we should have just went and got comfortable in a bed upstairs. I was up before anyone and already had checked in on Maxine and Mick. I told them that their father was a strong man and missed them and would fight to be back here as soon as he could. It was an odd scene to see me with red teary eyes rocking them. It was a touching moment though when Mick seemed to position his tiny hand on my cheek and touch my tears.

  By midday things seemed to be moving so quickly. I was constantly updated by the doctors and I was finishing up a list for the twins to hand off to Jillian. She was going to stay on and help me so I could go be with my husband. When I arrived at his hospital room he was resting. I stood at the foot of the bed, just watching him. Finally, I had to accept that he was so ill. I felt my heart sink because when I arrived at the hospital I was informed that Maxwell was not able to be a donor. The doctors did not disclose the details and just said to be hopeful for another donor to come along. In that moment, I told myself that if I were to lose him, what I have had with him up until now was more than a lifetime of love. I wanted to be strong for our children. I refused to give up hope, but the wait to get a donor was breaking me apart inside. I slid a chair quietly next to his bedside and I traced tiny heart patterns on his hospital gown with my finger, using the slightest touch.

  The next few days played out in this same manner like time stood still. Each day I tried to remain positive and believe, but I was slowly feeling at a loss as I watched my husband not get any stronger and we had not received any uplifting news.

  When the light turned on in the room I jumped, and the day was already gone. I definitely got some sleep despite being uncomfortable and curled up on his bedside. I finally got to rest my burning eyes. In front of us were two doctors and the young nurse Chelsea. I searched their faces, hers had a slight smile. Oh this could be something promising.

  “We couldn’t wait to share with you, but we have come across an anonymous donor.” I figured it was Maxwell, perhaps something changed to enable him to give an organ. All I know was that I was so relieved to finally have some sign of hope. The doctor continued, “They have cleared the testing and we can get this surgery scheduled right away.” I stood up, and my head pounded. I can’t remember the last time I had something to eat or drink. I then burrowed my face into Rand’s neck and let loose a stream of flowing tears. I soaked his skin with my sorrows and relief. My breathing started to hesitate like I was shivering from the cold. Rand raised his hand and gently stroked my hair to calm me. His touch was gentle but so weak.

  Sometimes you think things will never happen. I was remembering when I didn’t think Rand and I could be a couple, or that we would ever marry. But we overcame the obstacles that seemed to whirl into our lives no matter how big those obstacles were. Now at this moment, this is another huge hurdle that we have to go over. Rand now has a donor, so we have one problem solved. I know there are many other issues like hoping the organ works in his body once transplanted, and that there are no surgical complications. I reached to my head and found his fragile fingers and wrapped them though mine and we both wept.

  Our moment was interrupted by a slight tap on the door. The door opened and in walked his band. We all exchanged hugs, and Kent was quick to jump into my chair and not want to give it up. Raeford volunteered to get me home to shower and change. I knew I would be staying here for however long he needed me, for every single moment of his surgery, and definitely until I knew he was in the clear and recovering. “Let me get you out of here for a bit. These guys will keep him amused for hours,” Raeford said sliding his hand up around my waist. But before we could leave, he pulled away and went to Rand’s side. “Brother you are not leaving any of us. I’ll bring my drums in here and bang out so much noise you won’t be able to relax enough to slip away from us. You need to hold on and know that you’re going to make it through this shit.” Raeford leaned in and kissed Rand’s head. It was a tender moment. None of the guys gave him any crap for it either. Guys don’t have these moments often, but this was one of those times.

  Back at the house, I felt rejuvenated after a long overdue, hot shower and a fresh set of clothes. Earlier, Raeford hollered up that he made coffee, and I knew Jillian had prepared some sandwiches so I knew where I was headed next. As I came into the kitchen
to get a bite to eat I noticed them in the den, each rocking one of my children with pure joy in their expressions. I knew one day they would make great parents. I was saddened that they lost a child this past year, but I knew they didn’t constantly think about what could have been. Instead, they leaped into the roles of godparents that we had entrusted them with. At first Maxwell was Rand’s pick for godfather, but that changed when he liked all the spiritual inspiration he would hear Raeford sharing with his son as if Mick could really understand him. Rand felt closeness with all his band mates, but Raeford he felt he could entrust his children to if a time came for that. Plus Rand thought that somehow he had burdened Maxwell enough raising him for so long. My choice for godmother was never an issue. Jillian was on my mind the moment the babies entered this world. I know how she cared for me in some of my darkest times and knew she would put them above everything.

  “Wow, you both are just so good with my children.” I smiled.

  “We love them as much as you Madison,” Jillian said placing a few soft kisses to Maxine’s cheek.

  “This one is going to get his first set of drums when he turns one,” Raeford said jokingly.

  “Oh yeah, well they better be made of fabric.” I started laughing and it felt good to actually feel some happiness.

  I had packed a small overnight bag to take with me to the hospital. I was not leaving until he was in the clear. Jillian cleared it with work so that she could take some emergency time off, it was definitely not a vacation but for family, and yes she considered Rand and I most definitely her family.

  I returned to the hospital quickly, I didn’t want him lying there without me for long periods of time. My body fell back quickly into place up against my husband’s in his small bed. I heard Rand start to hum and I watched his lips part to begin to sing. It was only a few hours before his surgery was scheduled. I knew this song well. It was about me being scared when we first met in our relationship…

  * * *

  Knowing my wife, I was well aware that even as she lay next to me and seemed still, her mind was constantly pacing thinking about my surgery. I needed to give her this calm. I thought I would remind her of the one song that meant so much to me. I tried to reassure her that music has a way of healing. At least for now, this is what I could give to her. Lying in my bed through my parched lips I gathered strength to give her this.

  Sweet Nervous One

  Answer me why you’re nervous,

  Could this be due to love?

  I am holding back, holding on,

  Holding inside not to frighten you away.

  Answer me my sweet nervous one,

  Could I be the man for you?

  I am pulling in all my emotions,

  Hiding them deeply to make you stay.

  I don’t know my reasons,

  I don’t know why,

  I want to take you so slow

  At times I just have to cry.

  Answer me why you shiver,

  Nervous to my gentle touch.

  I feel your body quivering

  Oh god, I love you so much.

  I don’t know my reasons,

  I don’t know why,

  I want to take you so slow

  At times I just have to cry.

  I don’t know my reasons,

  I don’t know why,

  I just have to take you so slowly

  So many times I cry.

  So many times I have to cry.

  I finally had gotten through the song which took me longer as I paused a few times when my emotions got the best of me, and my usually strong voice began to crack. I reached over and handed her a tiny folded note that I had composed on the notepad earlier when she was out of my room. Although I was weak, I knew what I wanted to write. Madison made a strange face as she took the paper from my hand. She was always writing me the notes and love letters, so this was odd coming from me. I watched her eyes as she opened it and began to read my words. I saw the tears suddenly develop, I didn’t write the note to upset her, I wanted it to comfort her.

  Madison –

  My love, my wife, you are my life and you are every reason I take a breath each new day. Madison you are my…everything and I believe I wouldn’t be where I am today had you not been brought my way. Our life is one that is amazing as we can sit apart from one another and still feel the pull of one another’s heart. We can sit in silence and smile as we are both so much a part of each others thoughts. I really thought long ago that music was my entire world but I can put that aside and honestly know when I hear you speak and watch you smile and feel the warmth of your arms around me that that is the sound, the look and feeling of all I ever need. I want you to know that there is so much that I want to do with you for the rest of my lifetime, I feel like we have only just begun. I have come to realize that I am a good guy after all although earlier on I may have not been.

  These past few months I have gone through so much self discovery of where I once was and to where I have come. And I don’t want to ever turn back. I think fate has brought us together and you have made me such a better person, more than I thought I ever could be. Just saying I love you to you, and I could say it forever, is never enough and will never be enough. I need to constantly show you my love and that I am so into you and don’t want another moment with you to ever end. Madison I miss you even when you are simply in another room. I want you to know that I will fight to get better and be stronger to be at your side every moment.

  I don’t want a day to pass in the future where I am not with our children as I love them so very much. As I go into surgery there will be only one thing on my mind as they put me under, and that will be your lovely face embedded in my mind. You are my reason for living and I will come through this procedure to see you really smiling back at me once again. I will feel the touch of your hand squeezing mine knowing I made it. I am praying to whatever force above to hear my words and keep me with you and my family forever. You are my forever and I will forever be yours and only yours.

  I am the one you will forever call Babe. I am your front man, and most importantly your husband always – Rand

  * * *

  I recalled that tune in my head over and over during the long hours of Rand’s surgery. I clenched his tiny handwritten note so hard in my palm that I thought it would soon rip, so I finally placed it safely into my jeans pocket. From time to time I was given updates, and that helped me to stay calm. It was during a long period of time that passed without any further information that I felt that chill on my neck that something was happening. Often when I was scared or nervous I would dive into my writing. Today I couldn’t even focus to hold a pen to paper. “He’ll get through this.” Killjoy’s familiar voice broke me out of my thoughts. I pulled her into a hug and felt her embrace. Everyone was starting to show up in the waiting area of the hospital to offer their support. Besides family and the band, Killjoy flew in, and so did Russ, his tattoo artist from Florida. It was a comfort to have so many well wishes and hearts pulling for my guy.

  I was stunned and did a double take when Meila and her band the Erratics strolled in. She was wearing a very normal taupe sleeveless top paired with an awesome bracelet, tight jeans and flat shoes. When I had seen her in the past, she had the shortest skirts on and was packed into a low cut top way too tiny for her chest, and she had a lot of makeup making her eyes look very smokey. She walked over to me and if you didn’t know us, you would have thought we were sisters or maybe twins. “Nice look,” I said to her as she hugged me.

  “Yeah, this is the normal me when I’m not performing. Pretty weird that we look so much a like, glad to tell you though that Rand always knew the difference,” and she laughed. Meila moved across the floor to where Killjoy was and I knew Killjoy noticed her entrance immediately. I just wasn’t sure if Meila would change her ways for Killjoy. There could be that attraction, but Meila, I thought, was only into men. Thank God she was never into mine.

  Taking in everyone here and the mor
e coming in the door from the stage crew and others that Rand made an impact on was humbling. He really was liked by so many. I felt a hand on my waist, and I turned to see Connor. He and I had become such good friends, and I was so glad he was here. As he pulled me in to him, I didn’t let go.

  “Connor do you believe this? I am trying to keep up a front that he is going to be okay, but I am petrified,” I whispered and shared that moment with him.

  “Madison, I am here for you, anything you need. I’m here,” he said.

  Then I heard, “Yeah, she gets you’re here. How the hell are you?” and Kent slapped him in the shoulder.

  “Good man, and yourself?” Connor returned.

  I absently listened as Kent and Connor talked. I knew Cecile wasn’t here, so I didn’t expect any problems. It was nice to see Kent and Connor so friendly. If Kent found out they were both in love with the same woman, he and Connor would not be so pleasant. I kept her secret knowing that Cecile held onto both men in her heart.

  “I don’t really want to bring this up, but Thomas asked me at the office to extend his well wishes for Rand, and Madison I can tell you they were sincere,” Connor smiled with these words.

  “You can let him know when you see him next at work that his wishes were well appreciated. Connor, he and I are well past the point where you have to dodge saying things to me from him, but thank you for thinking of me first.” I had to again fall into the safe haven of his strong arms just to be held another moment.

  As more hours passed, I was calming myself by believing that everything in the operating room was all working out. Then, I saw the nurse’s face. I caught her looking in my direction. It was a sad face that told me what I didn’t want to hear. I needed to get some water splashed on my face. I wasn’t told that anything was going wrong, so I needed to prepare myself. Maybe I was just imagining the look from the nurse as I was exhausted. I told everyone I would be back and I headed to the ladies room. I told them come get me immediately if there was any news. Just as I glanced in the mirror after splashing some fresh water on my face, I could see behind me two young nurses that were exiting the bathroom. Before they left I heard one of them say, “I am so sorry for your loss…” I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly. I then heard, the other girl’s voice “It’s such a horrible shame…Mr. Rand…he died.” I looked back at them through the mirror, and tears began to well in my eyes. Their faces displayed complete sadness. I wanted to respond to them but I froze and no sounds would escape my lips. I couldn’t move my body to turn toward them. I glanced again into the mirror to see that they both had already left the bathroom.