WITCH HUNT!!!!
John Miller
11.
Mr. Mueller,
This is Jared Kushner, acting as attorney for President Donald Trump after John Miller tragically fell out of a hot air balloon.
While I do not have any formal legal training, Ivanka’s Dad encouraged me to give it the old College Try. Here it goes.
Mr. Mueller: This investigation is “Objection” and “Out of Order.” Overruled! Bailiff, please escort the plaintiff to sidebar. I’m deliberating. Guilty!
I look forward to your response.
Legally yours,
Jared Kushner
Law License Holder, WikiHow University
12.
Mr. Mueller,
This is Ty Cobb, President Trump’s new lawyer.
The President wants me to send a firm message to you, that you are to stay focused on allegations of collusion with Russia. If you were to look into the President’s financial situation, that would be crossing the line.
Specifically, you are NOT to investigate a 2013 deal regarding the sale of three condos at Trump Tower SoHo to an LLC called Russian Oligarch Incorporated. If you begin to probe that deal, how it came about, and whether the money is directly traceable to a Russian billionaire and Putin ally named Sergei Gorkov, the President would be very upset with you.
Best, Ty Cobb
13.
Mr. Mueller,
It’s Richard Sampson, the Mesothelioma King again. I’m assuming that someone has by now contracted Mesothelioma. Excited to learn who!
Dick Sampson
14.
Mr. Mueller,
I’m Tyler Cole, the CEO and Founder of Counsel.ly. We’re a San Francisco–based startup that has raised over $400 million from investors like Peter Thiel, Jared Leto Ventures, Grey Poupon mustard, and Bernie Madoff.
Our first product is a humanoid robot called Counselor Steve, which uses AI, machine learning, and Wikipedia searches to offer blockchain-optimized legal advice in virtual reality. We’re proud to announce that President Trump will be Counselor Steve’s first client!
We’re hoping you’ll agree to a brief delay to your investigation, as the alpha version of Counselor Steve won’t be ready until 2026. In the meantime please sign up for our newsletter for updates or purchase an “I’m with Counselor Steve” hoodie in our store!
Best, Tyler Cole Founder/CEO/Dream Hustler/Living the Dream Counsel.ly
15.
Mr. Mueller,
Um, hi. This is Andrew Goldstein, from your staff. President Trump accidentally hired me to be his lawyer, despite the fact that I am currently investigating him. I told him that I was part of the Mueller probe, but he just said “Double what Mueller’s paying you, I’ve got a tee time with Greg Norman,” and then he hung up.
Anyway, even though I never signed a contract, the President granted me access to all of his documents, so I’m going to rifle through those until I get locked out of the system. See you at tomorrow’s all-hands.
Andrew Goldstein
16.
Mr. Mueller,
It’s John Barron, taking over from LOSER Andrew Goldstein.
I don’t know what you think you found (NOTHING!) but I urge you to shut down your “investigation” (which is a horrible mess, like Joe Scarborough’s neck skin!) and GIVE UP.
John Barron
17.
Mr. Mueller,
This is Michael Cohen, the President’s personal lawyer, writing with some sad news: John Barron was eaten by a shark and will no longer be representing the President.
I will temporarily be taking over for Mr. Barron in his capacity as lead counsel for Mr. Trump in the Russia investigation.
You probably know that I am a pit bull of a lawyer and I will stop at nothing until the President’s name is cleared. I am vicious, I am ruthless, and I am determined to make the President smile.
Like everyone involved here, I only want one thing for Mr. Trump: for him to recognize me. Like, has he ever looked you in the eye and said he’s proud of you? Would it kill him to come to one of my Little League games? Sometimes I think he doesn’t even know I exist.
Please drop the investigation into President Trump so he will invite me to his Christmas party.
Sincerely, Michael Cohen
18.
Mr. Mueller,
Let’s get one thing straight: there’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is America’s Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
Did President Trump attempt to obstruct justice? Sure. Did his campaign collude with Russia? No one’s denying that. Should he go to prison for these crimes? Absolutely, because he’s CLEARLY GUILTY.
Now . . . Actually, I forgot where I was going with this. Anyway, come on up to Manhattan, I can get us a table at Rao’s and we’ll hammer out a plea deal over a big plate of moozarell.
Rudy
19.
Dear Mr. Mueller,
This is Emmet Flood, President Trump’s new lawyer, replacing a clearly confused Rudy Giuliani. I look forward to working with all on this case.
I am bringing some much needed order to this investigation. We have received your written list of seventy-eight questions you wish to ask the president about Russian collusion and obstruction of justice. As a compromise the president has agreed to answer three questions about his favorite hot dog condiments. Your move, Bobby.
So that’s how it is, Mueller, and you’d better get used to it because there’s a new sheriff in—hang on. The president just texted me that you already interviewed him? Without a lawyer present? On a range of subjects including but not limited to collusion with Russia, obstruction of justice in the Comey firing, his real estate dealings, that time he stole Tom Brady’s Super Bowl ring and blamed it on CNN’s Jim Acosta, etc.?
Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure working with you. He’s on his own.
Best, Emmet Flood Attorney-at-Law
Letter from Melania T. Regarding Ivanka Trump
In April 2017 we received the following letter from our tipster, Melania T. This was not unusual, but in this case, she wanted us to pay attention to something specific—something we otherwise would not have noticed.
* * *
Mr. Mueller,
This letter will be brief. The President is in a terrible mood. We just flew into Paris and boy are Donald’s arms tired (from shaking Emmanuel Macron’s hand for three straight minutes).
You already know that Jared Kushner wanted Gorkov’s money for a Broadway Revitalization Project. And you probably assumed that this project concerned a dilapidated Manhattan building of some kind.
But it is not a building being revitalized, Mr. Mueller, but a BRAND.
You might remember that Ivanka Trump’s clothing line had been dropped by Macy’s, Nordstrom, Hot Topic, Bass Pro Shops, SkyMall, Gap, Gap Kids, Gap Millennials, Gap Whatever the Generation Between Millennials and Kids Is Called, the Chuck E. Cheese gift shop, Cinnabon, and the Association of Sidewalk Counterfeit Handbag Salesmen.
Ivanka’s brand was suffering, Mr. Mueller, and this was the purpose of Jared’s outreach to Mr. Gorkov. Please see the attached New York Times story and associated document for proof.
Melania T.
P.S. On the plane ride over I read several of Michelle Obama’s political speeches and I’m officially obsessed! Can’t get her inspiring words out of my head!
Person of Interest: Ivanka Trump
* * *
Mrs. Trump’s head of Global PR requested that we use this photo and include, in our final report, that Ivanka Trump handbags make a great birthday gift for the working lady in your life.
ROLE: ???? to the President; Designer of the 746th Most Popular Women’s Clothing Brand on Dillards.com
FORMER ROLE: Designer of the 539th Most Popular Women’s Clothing Brand on Dillards.com
SKILLS: Living a life of glitz, glam, and glorifying political nepotism!
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Almost, one time, was nearly on the winning side o
f a policy battle against Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller
FUN FACT: Theme of her wedding to Jared Kushner was “Consolidation of Trust Funds”
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Whether Ivanka Trump had any knowledge of or responsibility for Mr. Kushner’s request for funds from Sergei Gorkov
New York Times Article That Mentions Ivanka Trump’s Proposed Business Venture
* * *
June 15, 2017
Melania T. forwarded along the following New York Times article. It is part 147 in an ongoing series where Times reporters visit districts that voted for Donald Trump and profile their voters. Though otherwise unremarkable, it does contain a relevant detail.
* * *
We Traveled Deep into the Heart of Trump Country to Ask Trump Voters for the 147th Day in a Row if They Still Support the President
By Thomas Kaplan
BLACK GASKET, Ark.—Rusty Spittoon is a 48-year-old Donald Trump voter who used to work at the old asbestos farm down on Razorburn Junction. He’s here at the Grease Fire Diner eating a BLT, and he groans at the very sight of me.
I had visited this hardscrabble town for the 147th day in a row to ask: Do Trump voters here still support the—
“I still support the President, goddammit, as I’m pretty sure I told you during breakfast,” says Mr. Spittoon, who added that “if you interrupt my lunch again, I’m calling the sheriff.”
That’s a typical sentiment here in Black Gasket, where the blue-collar citizens support President Trump almost as much as a proposed law that would ban local hotels from renting rooms to New York Times reporters who want to interview them about the presidency.
“I wish he wouldn’t tweet so much,” chuckles Denny Johnson, 65, as he quietly files a restraining order against me on his phone. “I also wish I could eat a damn meal without some Northwestern dweeb in tweed asking what I think about his Twitter feed.”
This continued support for Trump raises several questions: What is the breaking point for Trump supporters? Is my tweed really that dweeby? Are the people of Black Gasket serious when they say I’m the worst thing that’s happened to their town since the 1918 cholera outbreak?
Black Gasket is a bit of a microcosm for the rest of the country, as you are probably aware if you have read the first 146 entries in this series. Nestled in the Swamp Barrens of Lower Arkansas, Black Gasket once produced everything from luxury hair nets to Season 6 of Gilmore Girls. But after a collapse in international hair net demand and the departure of Gilmore Girls showrunner Amy Sherman-Palladino over creative differences with the CW, Black Gasket fell on hard times. In the 2016 election 98 percent of the town’s citizens voted for Donald Trump, a sharp rise from the 96 percent won by Mitt Romney four years earlier.
But President Trump’s first months have been tumultuous, scandal plagued, and—from what I can gather from the CNN that plays above the Ramada Inn breakfast bar—divisive.
Yet here in Black Gasket, Trump baseball caps are almost as common as hostesses in completely empty restaurants telling me “it’s a three hour wait—for you, at least.”
“We love everything Trump,” says Jerry Bucks, 48, while posting a Facebook note to warn his fellow citizens that the journalist is at the diner again. “He can do no wrong, and—hey, did you just take a sip of my Pepsi?”
But at least for some Trump voters, limits do exist.
“I don’t think I’d see that Ivanka Trump musical,” Tina Buford chimes in, pausing a 911 call where she was reporting me for loitering. “These consultants were down here saying they were making an Ivanka comeback musical, big expensive production, foreign money. But the only music I like is gospel, and also [German heavy metal band] Rammstein.”
Before I can follow up, I feel a familiar hand on my shoulder.
“Show’s over, Woodward,” the sheriff says, asking me to leave the diner. I . . .
* * *
—End of relevant portion of article—
An Incriminating Song from Ivanka Trump’s Planned Biographical Musical
Melania T. also sent the following song sheet taken from the grand piano in Trump Tower. It appears to be excerpted from a biographical musical about Ivanka Trump, titled “SO NOT COMPLICIT!” A footnote reveals that it was commissioned by I. Trump, J. Kushner, and S. Gorkov.
It is the only material we have to suggest that Ivanka is somehow involved with the funding sought from a sanctioned individual. We were not able to locate any emails, phone calls, or text messages linking Ivanka to either Gorkov or Kislyak; the lyrics to the song “Cover That Up” might explain why.
* * *
Cover That Up!
From SO NOT COMPLICIT! THE MUSICAL
[a rag, a jaunty tune, upbeat]
Ivanka Trump is alone in her stylish apartment, decorated with furniture from the HomeLove by Ivanka collection. She wears an Ivanka Trump trench coat—just $139.99 when you show your Playbill at the Merchandise Stand.
IVANKA
Let’s say your husband (and I’m speaking hypothetically),
Tries to build a business (but it’s failing quite pathetically).
Your credit score is falling,
His Chinese bank is calling,
Your CPA regrets to say
There’s 15 billion left to pay,
They need it by the first of May!
Your financial future is down the tubes like Drano;
No one wants an office zoned above a damn volcano . . . .
[Chorus]
We can cover it up! (Yeah!)
Try a chiffon dress!
No one has to know
That your bank account’s a mess!
Your MasterCard’s still working, and you’re a working mom!
So treat yourself to earrings from IvankaTrump.com
And cover it up!
Ivanka throws off her trench coat to reveal a flowy chiffon dress and chandelier earrings—both $89.99 with purchase of soundtrack.
IVANKA
Let’s say your husband (and I’m speaking here in allegory)
Tries to do some business (with a Russian who’s prohibitory).
He tries to be all stealthy,
With this Russkie who is wealthy
But the FBI is on this guy,
And now your hubby’s high and dry,
They’re gonna lock him up. Oh my!
The federal investigators played him like piano;
You’re gonna be a prison wife like Carmela Soprano. . . .
[Chorus]
You can cover it up! (Yasss!)
Check our bracelet sale!
No one has to know
Your spouse is wearing cuffs in jail!
Jared might be rocking a prison orange jumpsuit,
But check this orange romper! “Like, Oh my God, it’s so cute!”
You’ll cover it up!
Ivanka throws down a flash bang and when the smoke clears she’s wearing an Orange Romper and Charm Bracelet—$109.00 and $49.99, respectively, with online code IAmComplicitToo.
IVANKA
Let’s say your husband (and I’m speaking metaphorically)
Committed all those crimes (and he’s guilty categorically).
It’s sad he took the fall
When I planned it all
No one can know that I’m the bro
Who made him take that sanctioned dough
It was my idea right from the go! Oh no!
The mastermind’s a mistress-mind, but nobody can know it,
And when the cops come knocking here, I’m not gonna show it.
A kick line of fabulous young women in Ivanka Trump outfits bounds in from stage left! The audience is wowed by their statement-making floral blouses!
IVANKA
I’m gonna cover it up! (Slay!)
In Millennial Pink!
You’ll see me at Old Navy
Before you see me in the clink!
I might be a ladyboss,
But Lady Macbeth? That’s applesauce!
I’m gonna cover it up!
I’ll put on some costume gems,
And delete my old IMs,
I’ll erase all my email
Before the feds are on my trail;
I always use a burner phone
In case somehow my cover’s blown
And when the cops come to my door
I’ll be dressed in haute couture
That Mueller guy will never see
All the clues that point to me!
And why?
Because I covered it up!
—End Act One. Announcement Made That the Merchandise Stand Is Now Open—
Email from Jeff Sessions to Ivanka Trump
* * *
March 1, 2017
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: So Not Complicit: The Musical
* * *
Heard through the grapevine you’re putting on a musical. I’d love to nab an audition spot for the Jared character if you’re still casting. Back home I was known as the Patti Lupone of the Huntsville summerstock.
I’ve attached my dance reel and I’d love for you to hear my all-yodel rendition of “76 Trombones” from The Music Man. And don’t worry about availability: I’m sure you saw the news, but I’m about to have plenty of free time later this summer.
Jeff
Jeff_Sessions_Audition_Jazz_Tap_Ballet_Montage.mp4
Attorney General’s Statement on Recusal
* * *
March 2, 2017
Facing increased political pressure from both Democrats and Republicans, Attorney General Jeff Sessions was eventually forced to recuse himself from the Russia investigation. He did so with the following statement.
The Mueller Report Page 7