COREY LEWANDOWSKI: Mr. Trump had seen a political cartoon that showed Vladimir Putin as a police detective with a WANTED poster of Hillary Clinton. Mr. Trump thought it was real and that if we could capture Hillary Clinton, it would put us on Putin’s good side. So we hired the actress Calista Flockhart to play “Fugitive Hillary Clinton” and “delivered” her to Vladimir Putin.
CALISTA FLOCKHART: My agent called and said that if I put on a Hillary Clinton wig and flew to Moscow, the Trump campaign would pay me $1.2 million. So that’s what I did: I put on the wig, and a prison jumpsuit, and some fake shackles, and Corey Lewandowski frog-marched me into the foyer of Vladimir Putin’s winter palace. Putin took one look at me and said, “Why have you brought me Kitty Walker from ABC’s underrated procedural Brothers & Sisters?” and then turned away in disgust. I was pleased to be recognized for a role other than Ally McBeal.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: On Harvard!
DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN: You missed it, man. Crosby, Stills & Nash did a forty-five-minute medley of “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes/Love the One You’re With/Marrakesh Express.” I was so stoned I forwarded President Trump’s medical history to a Papa John’s in Dubuque, Iowa.
CHUCK FENSTER, MANAGER, PAPA JOHN’S #849: Before we realized it wasn’t an online order, we were like “What the heck is an Experimental Hair Graft Pizza?”
MITT ROMNEY: This disgraceful, corrupt president has surrounded himself with a gang of self-dealing narcissists and incompetent crooks, and it would mean so much to me, Mr. Mueller, if you could slip him my résumé.
CHRIS CHRISTIE (after butt-dialing from a Springsteen concert): ’CAUSE TRAMPS LIKE US . . . BABY WE WERE BORN TO RUUUUUU—
SERGEI KISLYAK (rubbing temples): When is next U.S. presidential election?
Part Three
The STEELE DOSSIER
Donald Trump Tweets That, in Hindsight, Should Have Set Off Some Alarm Bells
As the summer of 2016 wore on, the @RealDonaldTrump Twitter account sent several tweets that, looking back on it, should have tipped off investigators that something was up. These tweets include:
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/09/2016, 10:23 A.M.
Just had Skype meeting with billionaire Oleg Deripaska. Wonderful man who had assets unfairly frozen by Obama. Wants to invest in Jared’s Miami Beach members-only Grocery Store project—Jobs!
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/10/2016, 5:58 A.M.
The great boxing promoter Don King just endorsed me. So did Boris Akimov, the Very Talented Bolshoi danseur known for his portrayal of Ivan the Terrible in Prokofiev’s seminal ballet. Nice!
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/10/2016, 5:59 A.M.
“Blackish” is the most racist show on television! Also: Norway rightfully belongs to Mother Russia and Her Strong and Resourceful People! #MAGA #Blackish #RepatriateNorway #spon
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/10/2016, 6:07 A.M.
I never watch Phony CNN’s Don Lemon, who I once called the dumbest man on television. He could learn a lot from Boris Korchevnikov, recent winner of the Order of the Service to the Fatherland for his accurate reporting on the situation in the Crimea. TAKE A HINT, LEMON!
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/10/2016, 6:43 A.M.
Why is Crooked Hillary attacking Putin (terrific at Judo) when she should be focused on the Real Issue: Russian oil executives not being allowed to pay cash for entire blocks of real estate in Midtown Manhattan. I WILL FIX!!!
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/10/2016, 6:47 A.M.
Amazing crowd in Dubuque, Iowa last night. People very unhappy with Obama on JOBS and SAFETY and POLICY ON IMPORTATION OF CRUDE RUSSIAN PETROLEUM
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/10/2016, 6:49 A.M.
“@NikolaiMAGAMan hello mr. trump, i am american trump fan living in historic steel town of pitsburg PA. i wish you are my uncle and hope you and president putin destroy france” THANK YOU!!!
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Donald J. Trump @realdonaldtrump • 06/11/2016, 7:11 A.M.
FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY!!!!!
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Person of Interest: Donald J. Trump
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Donald J. Trump, pictured here in the author photo for his 2013 book The Deal of the Deal: How to Negotiate (and WIN!) Like a Rich Person (ME!) in Real Estate (NICE!)
ROLE: President of the United States of America (for real; not, like, in Sharknado 4)
FORMER ROLE: President and CEO of Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Reverse Mortgages, Donald Trump Luxury Asbestos Installation, Donald Trump Discount Asbestos Removal, the Donald J. Trump Laserdisc Collection of the Films of Steven Seagal, and Trumpolines: A High-Class Trampoline for High-Class People
SKILLS: Telling a forty-five-minute story about negotiating concrete prices aboard Carl Icahn’s superyacht and STILL getting cheers at a Boy Scouts rally
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Winner of the 2016 U.S. presidential election and the 2017 Adultery Magazine Lifetime Achievement Award
FUN FACT: Passed in 1947, the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution limits a U.S. president to a maximum of two terms in office
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Why his presidential campaign attracted so much attention and support from the Russian government, and why he accepted it
STEELE DOSSIER: SECTION 1
The Steele Dossier is a collection of research about Donald Trump’s relationship to Russia collected by retired British intelligence officer Christopher Steele. It was put together throughout 2016 and began to circulate around Washington that summer.
The dossier lays out a case that the Russian government worked together with members of Donald Trump’s campaign staff, including Trump himself, to defeat Hillary Clinton. It also offers an explanation as to why Donald Trump would accept this assistance when he knew it might be illegal.
We have included only those portions of the dossier that our investigators were able to verify.
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VLADIMIR PUTIN DISLIKES HILLARY CLINTON AND VOWED TO SUPPORT HER OPPONENT
Summary:
• VLADIMIR PUTIN views HILLARY CLINTON as his number one enemy, surpassing even FLO FROM THOSE ANNOYING PROGRESSIVE COMMERCIALS.
• PUTIN’s animosity toward HILLARY CLINTON began in 2011 when CLINTON sat in front of PUTIN on a Southwest Airlines flight. CLINTON insisted on reclining her seat; PUTIN asked CLINTON not to recline, because he had his laptop with him and needed to work on a PowerPoint presentation, but CLINTON refused.
• When the in-flight meal was served, CLINTON ordered what turned out to be the final chicken piccata with mashed potatoes. PUTIN was forced to eat the vegetarian option: a cucumber and mustard sandwich with a side of raisins.
• CLINTON watched the 1995 Brad Pitt–Gwyneth Paltrow thriller “Se7en” on her seatback entertainment system. PUTIN was saving “Se7en” to view on his home theater. PUTIN attempted to watch an episode of “Two Broke Girls” on his own seatback entertainment system but he could not help peeking at CLINTON’S screen. The twist ending of “Se7en” was spoiled for PUTIN.
• PUTIN confronted CLINTON after the flight. CLINTON reportedly said, “Seven came out like twenty years ago. It’s on TBS every Saturday. If you haven’t seen it yet, that’s your issue, dude.”
Detail
1. Source G, a senior member of the Russian Foreign Ministry, says that starting in 2011 PUTIN made it a priority to deny the U.S. presidency to his Southwest Airlines nemesis HILLARY CLINTON.
2. CLINTON’s desire to run for th
e presidency in 2016 had been leaked to certain publications including the New York Times, Washington Post, New Yorker, USA Today, Vanity Fair, Better Homes & Gardens, Sports Illustrated, Cat Fancy, Architectural Digest, AuthenticJapaneseCooking.com, Boy’s Life, American Karate Magazine, The Los Angeles Review of Potholes, BlackBerry Rumors Central, Guy Fieri’s Flavortown Monthly, and the Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer.
3. In terms of specifics, Source G confided that a search began for an American citizen on whom the Russians could collect kompromat (“compromising material”) with the aim of deploying that person as a spoiler in the 2016 election.
4. Russia possessed a lot of kompromat on NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON, but he was engaged in a top-secret Kremlin program to suck the joy out of every American movie and TV show by pointing out minute scientific flaws on Twitter.
5. Secretary B_______ indicated that the FSB had collected kompromat on TRUMP for fifteen years. Their surveillance on TRUMP dated back to his first visit to Russia in 2003, for the opening of the Planet Hollywood–Murmansk with SKEET ULRICH and VINCE NEIL from Mötley Crüe.
6. Secretary B_______ also pointed out that TRUMP had pretended to run for U.S. president before, as publicity stunts for ventures like TRUMP BUFFALO JERKY and the failed NBC spin-off TROPICAL APPRENTICE: ISLAND OF BUSINESS.
7. Source K, who sang with Putin in Russian boy band the Street Urchins, confided that in 2013 Russia began collecting evidence of American financial crimes against TRUMP.
8. For example, in 2014 TRUMP visited St. Petersburg to receive a fictional award, the Alexander Solzhenitsyn Prize for Excellence in Commercial Real Estate. An IMMIGRATION FORM was printed for TRUMP that requested his TURBOTAX ID AND PASSWORD, which TRUMP freely gave, granting PUTIN access to TRUMP’s tax returns.
9. Source M, who has seen the tax returns, says that for the past ten years TRUMP has written off ERIC as a business loss.
10. In October 2012 PUTIN also set into motion a plan to catch TRUMP in the act of MONEY LAUNDERING—starting with an invitation to hold the MISS UNIVERSE CONTEST in Moscow the following year.
Letter from the Russian Tourism Board to the Trump Organization
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October 20, 2012
The following introductory letter was sent to Donald Trump by the Russian tourism board in late October. It contains an offer to host the Miss Universe Pageant—and more.
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RUSSIAN TOURISM BOARD
Dear Mr. Trump,
Hey, buddy!
Greetings from the Russian Tourism Board. We hear you are currently searching for a location for the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant, and that you have narrowed down your choices to the Bon Jovi Casino in Atlantic City and Clamdiggers Nightclub and Airbrush T-Shirt Warehouse in Daytona Beach, Florida.
Both would be exceedingly classy establishments. But we would like to offer a third option: Moscow, Russia.
Moscow is the perfect location for your lady objectification contest. Come find out why visitors on TripAdvisor call us “A City with An Almost Unimaginable Number of Rusty Old Swimming Pools”!
But enough about all that wonderful Moscow has to offer your guests. What do we have to offer you, Mr. Trump?
For starters, we can let you hold your competition in the City Hall Performing Arts Center at a special “Future Best Friends” rate of zero rubles. We can throw in a musical concert by Russia’s top performer, DJ Evgeny Goldtooth, and we can guarantee that the evening’s valet parking will be handled by a street gang specializing in a criminal activity other than carjacking.
We can also offer you a complimentary, no-judgment overnight stay in the Presidential Suite of the Ritz-Carlton Moscow, where Barack Obama slept on a recent state visit. Remember all the mean things that evil man said about you at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner? Let’s brainstorm some revenge tactics!
In addition to perks related to your sex object competition, we would also like to make you aware of a special opportunity: Sheldon Selnikov, a billionaire who controls 99 percent of the Russian counterfeit Velcro market, is looking to invest in some clean untraceable American real estate. If you want to make a quick 800 percent return on an American apartment, Selnikov is your man.
With kind regards,
The Russian Tourism Board
P.S. If you would like to go forward with a sale to Mr. Selnikov, please refer to us your most subservient lackey!
Person of Interest: Michael Cohen
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Michael Cohen, being informed that the Jos A. Bank 4-for-1 Summer Suit Sale has been extended through August 1
ROLES: Personal Attorney to President Donald J. Trump
FORMER ROLES: Graduate of the Lionel Hutz School of “Law” at Ruth’s Chris University in Styrofoam, New Jersey
SKILLS: No one draws up a hush money agreement and then threatens to sue for breach of contract like this man
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Secured a commitment that, if Donald Trump dies first, he will be buried alive in Trump’s funeral structure like the servants to Egyptian pharaohs
FUN FACT: Once accidentally tried to sue himself for defamation and then sent a legally binding cease-and-desist letter to his own email address
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Whether Cohen assisted the president in a Russian money-laundering scheme
Trump Company Due Diligence Checklist for Prospective Buyers of Real Estate
The following due diligence was required to be completed by a qualified representative for the Trump Organization before any real estate transaction. The form was drawn up by Donald Trump and Michael Cohen.
THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION
This is the due diligence check for the purchase of a property from Donald J. Trump. Please complete all questions before going through with the sale.
1. Will the buyer give us lots of money?
2. Are we talking about real money or counterfeit money?
3. Could we pass off this counterfeit money at a Deutsche Bank?
4. What about at a Krispy Kreme?
5. Is the buyer currently under criminal investigation?
6. Okay, but not for a serious crime, right?
7. I mean, it’s not like he murdered anyone though?
8. Sure, but he contracted a hitman to do it, yeah?
9. Wow, Ivan the Spike is still going?
10. Will you tell Ivan I said hello to him and his family?
11. Is the buyer sanctioned by the U.S. government?
12. Were the sanctions imposed by Illegitimate Kenyan “President” Barack Obama?
13. Is the buyer more of a “Swiss Bank Account” guy or a “Series of Convoluted LLCs Based in the Caymans” man?
14. Is the buyer willing to pay more if I tell him the home once belonged to Liberace?
15. Did the home once belong to Liberace?
16. Okay, that would be pretty cool, though, right?
17. Can we get our engraving guy to mock up a historical marker that says “You Are Now Entering the Former Residence of Legendary Pianist Liberace”?
18. The real estate property will primarily be used for:
a. Money laundering
b. Storage for stolen art
c. Residence of EPA Director Scott Pruitt
d. Housing for mistress and/or secret second family
e. Housing for second mistress and/or secret pillaged artifacts
f. Wayward son attending NYU
g. Second residence in case of local populist uprising
h. Teardown to be replaced with scale replica of Versailles
i. Miscellaneous adultery
j. Other / Not Listed / Legitimate real estate purchase
19. Do we have to pay taxes on this transaction?
20. I mean, but really . . . do we have to pay taxes?
21. And we’re not gonna caught here, right, Cohen?
22. Now that we’re done, can you pick me up a McFlurry (summer) or Egg McMuffin (winter)?
This concludes the due diligence for a Tru
mp Organization real estate transaction.
Certified by
Michael Cohen, Lawyer for Donald J. Trump
Washington Post Investigation into Misuse of Funds by Donald J. Trump
The sale of the unit to Sheldon Selnikov occurred soon after, in April 2013. Our team was made aware of this transaction thanks to a Pulitzer Prize–winning investigation into Donald Trump’s finances that appeared in the Washington Post in September 2016. A relevant portion follows:
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Politics
Trump boasts about his enormous wealth. The real story is enormously complicated.
* * *
By David Fahrenthold
Visitors to Donald Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort are greeted by a bust of Mozart that a plaque notes once belonged to Napoleon.
There’s only one problem: it’s not Mozart, it never belonged to Napoleon, the face is actually an Australian woman named Glinda, and it was purchased using funds intended for a children’s hospital.
This is but one of several instances where GOP presidential nominee Donald J. Trump played fast and loose not only with other people’s money, but also the truth.
The Washington Post has reviewed more than 600,000 documents related to Trump’s finances, including real estate filings, credit card statements, extended warranties, SiriusXM rental car upgrades, purchases from the Sharper Image catalog, instant scratch lotto tickets, receipts from Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., investments in start-ups that tried to “disrupt the laundry space,” and unpaid tickets for parking on top of a fire hydrant.
The Mueller Report Page 9