The Mueller Report

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The Mueller Report Page 14

by Jason O Gilbert


  Trump is already facing so many problems here in his second of a planned seven terms. Jeff Bezos, now worth $6 trillion and living on the moon, threatens to leak the identity of yet another Trump lovechild; and Stormy Daniels, who was awarded the vice presidency in a landmark Supreme Court decision handed down by Chief Justice Dale Earnhardt Jr., had her emails hacked by America’s nemeses Canada, France, and the Sovereign California Republic of Facebook.

  “I’m too compromised,” Attorney General Kid Rock says. “And I know we repealed every constitutional amendment except the Second. But if I don’t do the right thing, am I really any better than those CNN anchors we exiled to Alaska?”

  Trump sighs. “Does this mean I have to let Mueller and Comey out of Guantanamo?” he asks.

  But he already knows the answer. Another MUELLER REPORT is on its way.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  My gratitude goes out to everyone, including the Haters and the Losers who made this book a reality.

  In particular, thank you to Jofie Ferrari-Adler, my brilliant editor, whose expert suggestions and editorial wisdom ensured that this book would not be a Total Mess; Daniel Greenberg, my agent, for taking a chance on a Very Dishonest and Highly Unemployed writer; the generous David Litt, for setting this whole thing up; and my old friend Jonathan Weed, who read some truly wretched pages and offered typically wise recommendations.

  Thank you to my mom and dad for thirty-two years of uninterrupted love and support. And thank you to my wife, Chandler, whose optimism, encouragement, laughter, and breakfast tacos keep me going.

  Finally, I would like to thank you, dear reader, and to leave you with a final request: Please vote in any and all upcoming elections. Thank you.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  © CHANDLER HOLBROOK

  JASON O. GILBERT is a Very Dishonest and Highly Unemployed comedy writer whose work has been published in the New Yorker, the New York Times, McSweeney’s, GQ, Esquire, and many other Failing publications. He has also written comedy for HBO’s Vice News Tonight and the game show HQ Trivia. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife. Sad!

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  INDEX

  A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.

  Acosta, Crazy Jim, 28–29, 59, 92

  ALF, 2,

  ANYA!, 2

  AshleyMadison.com, 77, 79, 119

  Backchannels, 62, 79, 81–82, 119, 154

  Bannon, Steve, 9–10, 30, 40, 94, 113–15, 141

  Blump, Prednisent, 28

  Bornstein, Dr. Harold, 68, 120

  Bounty Hunter, Dog the (being vetted for Surgeon General), 18

  Broadway Revitalization Project, 77

  California Raisins, 2

  Can You Believe This Guy Won 46% of the Vote?, i–xiv, 1–210

  Carson, Ben, 40, 41–42

  Clinton, Crooked Hillary, 19, 26, 51, 108–10, 119–20, 123, 126–28, 139–40, 148, 163, 165

  Cohen, Michael, 11–12, 13, 90–91, 131, 132—33, 136–38, 141, 156,

  COLLUSION!, 3, 13–14, 15, 44, 88, 91–92, 145–50, 160

  Comey, Dishonest James, 1, 3, 4–7, 9–10, 13–29, 34–35, 36, 37–40, 41, 44, 45, 46–47, 48–53, 54, 55–57, 58, 59, 92, 149–50

  Comic Sans, 15

  Complaint Lists of Donald J. Trump, 16, 174

  Conway, Kellyanne, 25, 26, 37–38, 40, 141, 174

  Daniels, Stormy, 12, 136, 175

  Derek, Bo, xi

  Donald J. Trump Awards, 6, 11–12, 59, 60

  Duck Dynasty, 106

  EMAILS!, 15, 16, 24, 34, 51, 84, 85, 98, 101, 102, 106, 108, 142, 144, 145–50, 155, 165, 169, 174

  Evidence Bakery’s Special Brownies, 65

  Fahrenthold, Phony David, 135–36

  Failing New York Times, 34, 54, 55, 95, 159, 162–63, 165

  FAKE NEWS!, 3, 7, 34, 56, 59

  Ferrigno, Lou, 2

  Flockhart, Calista 87, 119–20

  Flynn, Michael, 52–53, 62, 105,108, 110, 113–15, 116–17, 118, 141

  Flynn Jr., Michael, 105, 141

  George Soros, Cybersex with, 115

  Giuliani, Rudy, 56, 91, on CNN right now

  Golden Shower Stuff, 50–51, 183–92

  Gorka, Sebastian, 32, 110

  Haberman, Very Unfair Maggie, 55

  H. R. McMaster & The Master Blasters from Planet Disaster, 31

  Haley, Nikki, 38

  Hannity, Sean, 5, 113–15

  Hicks, Hope, 30, , 158, 162–63

  Huckabee Sanders, Sarah, has been asked to leave this index

  Industrial Enterprise Management Consultants LLC, 138

  Internet Commenters, 81–82

  Jimmy the Snake’s sex yacht, 7

  Jones, Alex, THEY don’t want you to know what page he’s on

  Kislyak, Sergei, 62–63, 64, 69, 81, 98, 105, 116–17,118, 120

  [email protected], 77–78

  Kushner, Jared, 9–10, 15, 44, 56, 62, 72, 73, 77, 79–80, 81, 83, 88, 94, 98, 116, 118–19, 140, 141, 145–50, 158, 159, 160, 165, 169

  Lawyer, Russian, 147–48, 157

  Lawyers, Trump, 84–92

  Lyft Driver, Gary the, 41–42

  Manafort, Paul, 139–40, 141, 142, 143, 145–50, 152, 155, 157–58, 159, 160–61, 165, 169, 170–71

  Mattis, James, 39

  The Martin Shkreli Foundation for the Legal Defense of Bernie Madoff and the Fyre Festival Guy, 135

  Meetings, 61–120

  “Melania T.”, xi–xiv, 20, 59, 60, 73, 93, 95, 98, 106, 155, 178

  Memos, 19, 20–21, 22, 47, 48, 59

  Mesothelioma Law, 86, 89

  Miller, Stephen, xiii, 18, 54, 59, 87–88, 94, right behind you

  Mooch, The, 32, 105, 164

  Mnuchin, Steven, 38, 55

  NICE!, 39, 122, 124

  Not Going Bald LLC, 137

  Nunes, Devin, 15, 44

  On Harvard! On Harvard! On Ha—, 79–80, 120

  Page, Carter, 151–54

  Papadopoulos, George, 151–54

  Pee Tape, 173, 181–92

  Pence, Mike, 37, 40, 117, 118

  Persons of Interest, 25, 45, 63, 72, 94, 105, 124,131, 142, 144

  Perry, Rick, 38, 62

  Press Secratary Sean Spricer, 17, 28, 29, 32, 34, 141

  Price, Tom, 31, 38

  Priebus, Reince (Guten Tag!), 9, 16, 24, 33, 52

  [email protected], 77–78

  Pruitt, Scott, 5, 37

  Putin, Vladimir, v, 72, 84, 88, 119–20, 123, 126–28, 138, 139–40, 153–54, 156, 157, 172–73

  Republicans Taking Brave Moral Stands, no instances found

  Rivera, Presidential Advisor Geraldo, xi

  Rosenstein, Rod, 19, 20–21, 22, 29

  Ross, Wilbrzzzzz, 8, 39,

  RUDY!, 183, 189

  SAD!, 163, 165

  Scavino, Dan, 162–64

  Schumer, Lazy Chuck, xi, 61

  Senate Testimony, 4, 6, 13, 16, 54, 55–56, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69

  Sessions, Jeff, 19, 20–21, 62, 63, 64, 66, 67–68, 69, 102, 103, 116, 118–19, 141

  So Not Complicit! (musica
l), 98–101

  Spike, Ivan the, 132

  Steele, Christopher, 126, 176, 177

  Steele Dossier, 121–92

  Tapper, The Very Unfair Jake, 26–27, 50

  Text Messages, 11, 41, 54, 64, 67–68, 98, 113, 151

  Trail Blazers (Portland), 26, 36

  Trump, President Donald J., see Can You Believe This Guy Won 46% of the Vote?

  Trump Jr., Donald, 144, 145–50, 158, 159, 162, 165

  Trump, Eric, 16–17, 56, 62, 107, 128, 140, 141, 144, 155–56, 164, 167–68, 176

  Trump, Ivanka, 38, 50, 77–78, 88, 93, 94, 95–97, 98–101, 102, 119, 141

  Trump, Melania, 50, 155, 158

  Trump, Shrunken Little Hands of Donald, 53

  Tweets, Donald J. Trump, 2–3, 52, 96, 122–23, 162–64, 175

  Urkel, 41–42

  Wikileaks, 85, 88, 107, 142, 147–48

  WITCH HUNT!, 3, 56, 59, 87, 114, 141

  Would Have Won, Bernie, see Republicans Taking Brave Moral Stands

  Yahoo Answers, 19

  Zinke, Ryan, 37

  Zuckerberg, Mark, 79–80, 120

  IMAGE CREDITS

  By page number

  11. Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images

  25. Meet the Press

  30. From top: United States Department of State; Spencer Platt/Getty Images; Jamel Toppin/The Forbes Collection/Contour by Getty Images; Chris Goodney/Bloomberg via Getty Images

  31. From top: United States Department of Veterans Affairs; Cliff Lipson/CBS via Getty Images; United States Department of Health and Human Services; United States Army Public Affairs

  32. From top: Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images; Photo by Taylor Hill/WireImage; Photo by Paul Morigi/WireImage

  33. From top: United States Department of Health and Human Services; Photo by Mark Sagliocco/Getty Images

  45. Photo by Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call

  63. Photo by Jessica Kourkounis/Getty Images

  72. Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images

  81–82. John Gielgud: Public domain

  94. Photo by David Yellen/Forbes Collection/Corbis via Getty Images

  105. Photo by Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images

  124. Dan Hallman/Invision/AP

  122–23. Donald J. Trump Twitter: Twitter

  131. Photo by Yana Paskova/Getty Images

  142. Victor Blue/Bloomberg via Getty Images

  144. Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images

  160. Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images

  176–77. Eric Trump Jr.: Gage Skidmore; Howard Stern: Bill Norton; Winston Churchill: BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives

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