“Exactly. The chute must have been constructed to get down here quicker.” She nodded at the door across the room. “And that must be where he exits. So let’s check it out.”
Opening the door, Meat stared down a dimly lit, dirt tunnel with dripping candles embedded in its walls.
“Oh shit…” Meat said.
Jenny glanced at his feet. “Again? Really? Have you just given up on looking where you step?” But neither of his feet, bare or socked, had excrement on them.
Meat tapped her shoulder and pointed to the end of the tunnel. “No. I’m talking about him…”
Jenny squinted and, through the dim candlelight, saw the hulking figure at the end of the tunnel. His round head—completely bald except for the curled wisp of blond hair at his forehead—sat atop a gigantic, pear-shaped body. Wearing only a tight, dirty t-shirt that partially covered his huge belly, he was completely naked below the waist except for a single black sock on his right foot.
“Dookie Boy…” Jenny gasped.
As if hearing her words, Dookie Boy nodded and cracked a smile, showing off big, bucked teeth. “Cleannn…meee…” The request came out something akin to a yodel.
Jenny gawked at the tiny size of his exposed Pig-in-a-Blanket cocktail weenie poking from his nether regions.
“Clean him?” Meat said. “What does he mean by that?”
“Wait a minute…” Jenny glanced back at the bean cans…then over to the turds on the floor...then to the man-sized baby without a diaper or pants. “Oh…my…God. He…he wants his bottom cleaned.”
Dookie Boy nodded again, grinning ear to ear. “Cleeannnn…meeeee…”
Meat did a double take at Jenny. “What?”
“That’s why he’s not wearing any pants. He needs his bottom wiped before he can put any on.”
“Cleeannnn…meeeee…”
“I figure his parents must have always done it. But since their deaths, there hasn’t been anybody to clean him properly for years. He’s probably got a lot of gunky buildup down there that’s irritating him. Making him fussy.”
“Cleannnnn...meeee…”
“So you’re telling me Baby Huey wants us to put him on a changing table, hold his legs in the air, and wipe his ass for him?” Meat flipped Dookie Boy the bird. “Go wipe your own ass, fat boy!”
“Meat. Don’t.”
“No, fuck him. Hey! Double Stuffed! What did you do to Amanda?”
Dookie Boy balled his beefy hands into fists. An uncontrollable tremor of rage shot through his body, causing him to jiggle in all the unflattering places.
“You hear me? What the hell did you do to my girlfr—”
The pink, chubby behemoth unleashed a deafening roar that made Meat and Jenny step back. He sprang forward, charging toward them with arms flailing above his head like some bald mountain gorilla on the attack.
“Clean me. Clean me! CLEAN MEEE!”
Jenny pulled Meat back into Dookie Boy’s playroom, slamming the door behind them. She flipped the lock on the handle. “Find something to barricade the door with!”
With naked flesh bouncing, Meat dragged an old wooden bookcase to the entrance. “Look out!” He dumped it on its side, kicking up a cloud of dust.
Jenny grabbed two rickety chairs and tossed them on top of the bookcase. They flipped the mattresses, pushing them against the door. The wood scraps from the crib were next, followed by all the ratty blankets. The only thing left in the room that wasn’t being used to block the entrance was the avalanche of stuffed animals.
Jenny and Meat shrugged at one another.
As they tossed the rotting teddy bears and cartoon characters at the door, a thunderous slam came from the other side. The wood bowed and a rain of dust fell from the dirt wall.
“CLEANNNN! MEEEEE!”
“Until this dude has his poop chute cleaned,” Meat yelled over the commotion, “I don’t think he’s gonna take no for an answer.”
Poop Chute? Poop Chu—? Wait a minute! Jenny’s eyes shifted to the swinging doors near the ceiling. “The chute! We can climb out through it!”
They ran underneath it and Meat bent down, interlacing his fingers. “Here. Step in and I’ll boost ya up.”
Dookie Boy rammed the door again, causing the wood to crack.
Meat lifted Jenny so forcefully she almost crashed into the ceiling. She clawed at the doors, spread them open, and gripped a loose tree root on the chute’s floor. Meat pushed her up even higher and she was able to pull herself in. Taking a step back, his foot slid in something cold and soft—another goddamned turd! He stumbled and fell into the mound of stuffed animals, their plush bodies cushioning his fall.
“Come on!” Jenny said, crouching in the chute. “Hurry up!”
WHAM! Another thunderous slam at the door caused dirt clogs to break away from the wall. The mattresses fell away, flopping to the floor and kicking up a blast of dust that blew into Meat’s face.
“Meat! The door isn’t gonna hold much longer. Get over here. And I’ll try to pull you up. Hurry!”
Floundering within the pile of stuffed animals, Meat flipped over on his belly. The plush animals felt kind of good on his naked flesh. (Boy, would it be embarrassing if he were to pop a chubby in front of Jenny wearing only his tight man-panties!)
About to push off the ground, he froze at the sight of his girlfriend’s face staring back at him from only a few feet away. She was buried up to her chin in the mound of soft toys. “Amanda?”
Jenny craned her neck to see over Meat’s rotund frame.
He scuttled forward, brushing away the stuffed animals. Pushing two aside, he froze in horror, simply staring at his girlfriend’s head.
Her severed head.
Jenny gasped and covered her mouth.
As Amanda’s head fell on its side, gelatinous chunks of flesh and gore dangled from her neck stump like tiny fingers waving hello.
Another mighty crash over his shoulder further weakened the door.
Meat held up Amanda’s head for Jenny. “Look…what…he did to her.”
“Jesus! Meat, please put it down. That’s not…that’s not Amanda anymore.”
“Sure it is,” he said, studying it. “We just gotta find the rest of her.”
“Put it down, Meat. Now! We’ll come back later for her, but right now we have to get outta here.”
Staring deep into Amanda’s eyes, Meat nodded and gently placed her head on the ground. Rising, he turned to Jenny with a simmering rage that evaporated all tears from his eyes. “You go. I’ve got some unfinished business with this fucker.”
“No-no-no-no-no,” Jenny pleaded. “You have to come also.”
Ignoring her, Meat walked to the door and kicked away the debris with his socked foot. “Go find Saul. If he’s not at the Firebird, just leave. Run as fast as you can back to town and get help.”
“Meat, please. No!” Jenny said with tears streaming down her face. “This is suicide.”
Meat locked eyes with her and wiped a tear from her cheek. “No, it’s called being a man,” he said in a deep, raspy voice. “Something you know nothing about. Ya know, ‘cause you’re a woman and all.”
An enormous fist broke through the door, sending wooden shrapnel into the room. Dookie Boy yanked his hand back and took a peek through the gaping hole. “Clean Me!”
Meat shoved Jenny back into the chute. “Someone has to live to tell what happened. Now scram. Go, go, go!”
“You give him hell, Meat,” she screamed over her shoulder, worming her way up the slide.
Once she disappeared from sight, Meat spun toward the room’s entrance.
“CLEAN ME!” Dookie Boy exploded through the door in a cloud of wood splinters, saw dust, and dirt.
“C’mon you son-of-a-bitch,” Meat growled.
Dookie Boy smiled at him, flashing those huge bucked teeth, perfect for shucking corn.
The two men faced each other, ready to unleash hell. Although their bodies were similar builds, Dookie Boy
outweighed Meat by sixty pounds. Both men were dressed as mirror opposites. Meat was only wearing his tight Fruit of the Looms and left athletic tube sock, while (the bottomless) Dookie Boy was garbed in his tight, dingy t-shirt and right dress sock.
Circling the room like two Sumo wrestlers, Dookie Boy eyed Meat’s briefs with envy. “Clean me!” he demanded.
“Oh, I’ll clean ya, fatso! Clean your plump ass all over these walls!”
They rushed each other.
Meat struck first, throwing a jab to his opponent’s face and following through with a hook to the kidneys. Before Dookie Boy could counter, Meat threw an uppercut and another hook, this time to the side of the head.
When Dookie Boy giggled at the blows that made his plump parts jiggle, Meat knew he was in trouble. Like a gorilla, the inbred gork raised his arms high in the air and slammed them down on Meat’s head and shoulders, pummeling him to the ground.
Meat landed on his back, his skull slamming against the floor. The room spun. He quickly shook it off and glanced up, getting a face full of naked flesh and matted hair.
Dookie Boy was squatting over his head. He was smiling down at Meat, offering him a tattered washcloth. “Cleannn…..meee….”
Meat shrieked at the naked junk dangling inches from his face. He covered his head, sliding down and out. Before the crouching, psychotic halfwit realized he was gone, Meat sprung up and grabbed hold of Dookie Boy’s oversized ears, yanking the man-child’s head down and bringing his own knee up. The two connected in a bone-breaking crunch.
Meat screamed in agony and hopped over to the corner, clutching his injured knee cap. It felt like he had just slammed it against a brick wall.
Giggling from all the fun he was having, Dookie Boy climbed to his feet and spit out one of his front teeth (now leaving him with only one in that thick skull of his).
With Meat hunched over, clutching his wounded knee, Dookie Boy barreled forward and grabbed him in a headlock. He wrenched Meat’s neck, squeezing it tight like an anaconda suffocating its prey.
Meat was yanked closer to Dookie Boy’s flabby belly and naked hip—again, inches away from the behemoth’s exposed frank ‘n beans. Meat clawed at the hands around his neck.
Knowing how overpowered he was in this life or death battle, it was time to fight dirty. Meat thumped Dookie Boy’s fuzzy marble sack with his finger as if he were checking the ripeness of a melon.
Dookie Boy only giggled from the blow.
Meat thumped harder—faster—at the bouncing targets, hoping to bring his opponent down.
Caught up in all the excitement of playing with his little buddy, Dookie Boy forgot how easily the fragile things can break.
There was a sickening crack at Meat’s neck. He tensed up and his entire body went stiff as a board. A few moments later, when Meat went limp, Dookie Boy dropped his lifeless body to the ground.
As fun as all this was, playtime was over.
And his bottom had yet to be wiped.
***
Jenny burst through the tiny door, scuttling from the cramped passageway on bloody hands and knees. She climbed to her feet and stumbled out into the dark hall, moving as silently as possible down the stairs to the first floor.
She needed to get to the Firebird. She knew Saul wouldn’t be there since he was probably halfway to town by now, running on foot. And when he got there, she was pretty damn confident that he wouldn’t get help. No, he’d probably keep running until he hit the highway to hitch himself a ride home. Get the hell out of Dodge like the goddamned coward he was.
Jenny made it to the foyer, shoved open the front door, and leapt off the porch.
The Firebird sat in the dark driveway, the full moon reflecting off its windshield and high gloss paintjob. Glancing over her shoulder to make sure she wasn’t being followed, Jenny sprinted toward the car. She ripped open the driver’s door, hopped in, and slammed it shut, locking it behind her. She slid low on the seat and fought to catch her breath.
Her trembling fingers ran over both sides of the steering column, hoping that Meat had been mistaken about the keys and left them dangling in the ignition.
Nothing. So it looked like she was going to have to do this the hard way.
She fished in the car’s console for any tools.
“Bingo,” she said, finding a Leatherman at the bottom of the compartment. She frantically kicked the steering column until hearing the sound of cracking plastic. Jenny grabbed the flashlight from her pocket and clicked it on. Tearing back a portion of the steering column with the Leatherman’s pliers, she searched out the wires for the battery and starter then went to work on hotwiring the Firebird (yes, having a brother that was also a professional car thief came in very hand right now).
She sat hunched in the driver’s seat, tapping the two live wires together. “Come on, come on, come on!” The wires sparked and the dash lights flashed, but the Firebird didn’t turn over.
Preoccupied, Jenny didn’t notice the figure rising from the shadows in the backseat.
She looked out the windshield, scanning the dark house while tapping the wires. “Come on, you stupid son-of-a-bitch.” Her eyes shifted to the rearview mirror to find a pair of bloodshot orbs staring back at her, just over her shoulder.
Jenny screamed and threw back an elbow, catching the person in the face.
“Owwww!”
She spun around to find Saul cupping his nose. “What the hell are you doing back there?”
“Why did ya hit me?”
“Why didn’t you go get help?”
Saul glanced into the darkness outside the window. “You kiddin’? It’s scary as shit out there.”
“Then why didn’t you come back inside and help us?”
“Because it’s just as scary in there. Besides, some big, psychotic fatty chased me out. It wanted me to clean it or somethin’ but I ran like hell.”
Jenny resumed trying to start the car. “So you sat here, hiding like a little bitch?”
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
“Shit!” She let go of the wires and pulled the hood release. “I’ve got to check something on the engine. I need you to sit here and tap these two wires together when I tell you to. Got it?”
Saul nodded. Jenny jumped out and he climbed into the driver’s seat.
Jenny went to work under the hood (yes, having to rebuild car engines at her father’s auto garage on the weekends came in very hand right now).
“All right! Go ahead and tap them!”
Saul did as requested and the vehicle fired up. Jenny slammed the hood as the headlights lit her up.
She brushed the dirt off her hands and smiled at Saul through the windshield. “Bet you never thought that a girl could…do…” She read the utter terror on his face. He stared directly over her shoulder. Jenny felt icy fingers squeezing her insides.
“Cleannn mee…”
She slowly turned to find Dookie Boy standing on the front porch, illuminated by the car’s headlights.
Still bottomless, he had a one-tooth, shit-eating grin on his face. In one hand he tauntingly waved around Meat’s tightie-whities and athletic tube sock, while in the other, a tattered washcloth. “Cleannn…meee…”
“No…” Jenny whimpered, realizing that now two of her friends had fallen victim to the chubby, homicidal halfwit. “Oh, Meat. I’m so sorry.”
With the items in hand, Dookie Boy raced forward in full attack mode. Gums bared. Arms flailing. Junk flapping. He leapt at Jenny. She ducked and he sailed over her, landing on the hood of the car.
Spotting Saul behind the wheel, Dookie Boy squealed in excitement at a potential new playmate. “Clean me? Clean me!” he said, waving the washcloth.
Saul recoiled in horror, flattening himself against the driver’s seat.
Rejected, Dookie Boy swung his fists, raining blows that dented metal and shattered glass.
Saul screamed and slammed the car into gear, hoping to dislodge the halfwit on the hood. In his panic, he mista
kenly shifted the vehicle into drive instead of reverse and floored the gas.
The Firebird shot forward.
Blinding headlights and the ear piercing screech of car tires caused Jenny to tuck and roll out of the way.
The car barreled across the lawn. Swerving wildly, with Dookie Boy on the hood, the Firebird raced straight for the large oak tree by the side of the house.
Jenny heard Saul’s scream and Dookie Boy’s squeal of excitement over the roar of the engine. Then the Firebird hit the tree and exploded into a bright orange inferno.
The blast’s shockwave knocked Jenny to the ground where she slammed her head against a large rock. As the horizon spun, she struggled to her feet, hoping to rescue Saul from the burning vehicle.
Taking a few steps, her body simply gave out, collapsing to the ground where a darkness washed over her.
***
When her lids fluttered and opened, Jenny was lying in the hospital bed. Her wounds were bandaged, her body cleaned. An old Hispanic nurse stood beside her, checking her IV drip.
“Welcome back, sweetie,” the nurse said, smiling.
Jenny tried to speak but her words came out a croak. She cleared her throat. “Where…where am I?”
“You’re in the Hoffman County Hospital. Let me go get the sheriff so he can explain everything to you.”
Ten minutes later, Sheriff Perkins was shaking his head at Jenny. “We didn’t find any Dewy boy, ma’am. In fact the only body we did find was that of your friend…” He glanced at his notebook, “…a one Saul Rogers.”
Jenny shook her head. “Not ‘Dewy boy’. Dookie Boy. Dookie Boy!”
The nurse shuddered at the name, quickly making the sign of the cross. The sheriff shot her a look over the reaction.
“He’s some hulking halfwit hiding in that haunted house,” Jenny continued. “Only it’s not haunted. He’s real! He’s the one that killed my friends!”
Sheriff Perkins cleared his throat. “Like I said, we didn’t find no bodies besides that of your friend Saul Rogers. Now instead of all this silly talk of inbred imbeciles, I’d like to know what you and Saul were doing trespassing on private property. From the looks of the accident, you two must have been joyriding…”
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night... Page 24