by Matt Shaw
Running now.
I run through the main entrance and straight over to the trainers. To the store staff, I must just look desperate for a new pair of runners as one of them approaches me almost immediately.
“Good afternoon, can I help you with anything?” asked the blonde shop assistant. Either keen at greeting customers or keen to get me to leave so they stand a chance of getting out on time. I’ll never know.
“My brother....” out of breath.
How embarrassing. I thought I was fitter.
“Excuse me?”
“My brother.... I was in here earlier and he wandered off.... has my brother been in here looking for me? He’s eight and he’s lost....” I sound like I’m out of breath and panicking... I am panicking. I am out of breath.
The shop assistant shook her head, “I’m sorry,” she said, “I haven’t seen anyone like that... not anyone who wasn’t with a parent anyway.... we do get children in here...”
What if he was with someone?
He wouldn’t have looked lost.
A photo - need a photo.... phone... I’ve got a picture. Once more, I fished in my pocket for my mobile phone. Upon pulling it out I navigated through to the pictures and found one I had taken of Lewis when he was in a full-on strop... something to embarrass him with when he was older... Not the best of pictures but better than nothing.
“Him... have you seen him? He’s my brother and he’s lost,” I repeated. Still out of breath. Still panicking. Mum’s going to kill me.
Again, the shop assistant shook her head, “I’m sorry....”
I dropped down onto one of the chairs. Shit. I really hoped he would have been here - or, at the very least, they would have seen him and helped him to the security office. Now what.... now where....
The girl gave me a sympathetic smile, “Well, I hope you find him... maybe you should ask them to put a call out....”
“They have already,” I said, deflated. She stood, for a moment, looking a little awkward - unsure of what to say to try and make me feel better - before she about-turned and walked away leaving me to my misery.
Now what...
The toy store, I had checked earlier when I realised he was missing but... maybe he had only just left my side and I got to the shop before him - I did, after all, run as fast as I could. It would have been quite easy for me to run past him without spotting him amongst the crowds.
Why didn’t I think of that earlier - perhaps I should have walked to the toy shop... or, at the very least, waited enough time there on the off-chance he had shown up a couple of minutes later. Instead I had run there, seen he wasn’t there and then ran onto the security office without really thinking.
It’s fine to run now though, I think as I start to pick up speed. It’s easier to run faster now too - what with the majority of the shoppers making their way back to the mall’s exits and car park floors. Still enough people milling around to make it hard to spot Lewis, though.
Please be at the toy store.
Please.
I’ll never be horrible to you again.
As I dodge around the happy shoppers, I apologise for knocking into a few of them. I’m sure they’d understand my rush if they knew the circumstances. Thankfully it’s not too far to run - the toy shop Lewis likes is on the same floor as the sports shop I was trying to get my trainers in.
Hang a left out of the sports shop, run past Julian Graves, a few ladies’ clothes shops, the computer game shop, the bookstore, a small fountain which is stuck randomly in the middle of the walkway.... past a few other clothes stores and the chemist and you’re there.... the toy store.
Strategic placing - having the toy store next to the chemist. Mothers are always needing to pop to the chemist for bits and bobs - or even to treat themselves from the chemist’s large perfume counter, of all things. I wonder how many of them have kids who spot the toy store.
Growing up I remember what I was like, with mum, when I spotted a shop I wanted to go into. I’d make such a fuss about going into it, mum would often say ‘okay’ and we’d go in.
“But I don’t have any money,” she’d always say.
Yet, nine times out of ten - I still left with some sort of present... even if it was only a toy yo-yo or a new, squishy ball from the cheaper back area of the store... I’d normally get something.
Casting my mind back to how I got when I saw a shop I wanted to go into - I should have just taken Lewis first. Taken him to the shop. He could have bought himself a toy with his pocket money and then, when we were looking around for my trainers, he could have kept himself occupied with whatever he bought. I should have done it that way round.
I’m an idiot.
In the toy shop now and it’s nearly empty. A few people in here, looking at various toys... plastic action figures, toy guns, one child choosing a new doll to add to, I guess, a pre-existing collection.... her mother telling her to hurry up because the store is closing soon... A few people in here but not Lewis.
I pulled the phone from my pocket and approached the counter - at least I know Lewis would have been in here. Maybe the young girl behind the counter had spoken to him, maybe even got her manager to take him to the security office..... but then, I would have had a call from them.... full signal and no missed calls, other than my mum’s missed call earlier.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I was wondering whether you’ve seen my brother...”
I didn’t wait for her to answer, I simply held up the mobile phone showing the same picture I showed the assistant in the other shop. She looked at it and shook her head.
“I don’t think so.... but my colleague might have,” she said.
“Is she around? Can you ask?”
Again, she shook her head, “Her shift finished about an hour ago... she won’t be back until tomorrow now.”
That doesn’t mean she didn’t see him, though. Without her being able to say one way or the other - it doesn’t mean he wasn’t here. He could have still made his way to the shop, by himself.
I want to believe that... I need to.
If he hadn’t been here.... if this woman could say for definite Lewis hadn’t been here.... well, that would be worse...
This still leaves hope, though.
He could still have made it here...
I’d rather think that then think of him not coming....
.... if he hasn’t been here... hasn’t made it to the shop he was desperate to come...
... well, he might have been taken.
No, don’t think like that.
There’s no definite answer as to whether he came here.
Of course he came here.
He wouldn’t have been taken.
No.
No way.
Had someone grabbed him - he would have screamed the place down.
Besides, he was in a foul mood by the time he left... who would have wanted to take him?!
That’s cruel.
He’s lovely.
He’s my brother.
He’s.....
.... missing.
I need to phone home. Need to let mum know.
“Are you alright? Did you need to call anyone?” asked the lady behind the counter - a genuine look of concern on her face. I smiled at her. No point dragging her day down too.
“It’s fine,” I said, “he’s probably already at the security office.... they put a call out for him already.”
The lady smiled, “I must have missed it... Well, if he shows up - I’ll call through to the office... can I see the picture again to refresh my memory?”
I showed her the photograph again and thanked her.
The shops are closing now. Soon the place will be empty, just before the doors are locked. I can’t put the phone call off anymore.
Need to phone mum.
She’s going to kill me.
3.
I stepped back into the security office only to be confronted by the sight of two officers playing with a deck of cards.
Laughing, with cups of coffee in front of them, they seem happy. I’m glad for them.
“Did my brother show up?” I asked, ever hopeful.
“Not yet,” said a guard from the other side of the room. His abrupt tone made me jump, I hadn’t seen him there, tucked away, when I first walked in. Like the other two guards, he didn’t seem to be too worried about finding Lewis either - just sitting on a chair, a newspaper in his lap and a mug of coffee to his side.
“I showed you guys the photograph,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be out there looking for him?”
The guard in the corner of the room, I presumed to be the man in charge, folded his newspaper up and turned his attentions to me - perhaps suddenly realising I might log a formal complaint against him if he didn’t at least appear to be interested, “We’ve made announcements... we have a couple of guys out there looking for him... we’ve been monitoring the monitors... what else are we supposed to do?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I felt my face redden with embarrassment. This is all my fault and yet I’m expecting these strangers to set things right for me again. My dad always told me you tidy up your own mistakes.
“Not long before the shopping centre closes... it should be easy to see him when everyone else has left,” the guard continued. The other guards didn’t say anything - just kept staring at the deck of cards in their hands.
“And what if he leaves with everyone else?” I asked. I could just envision Lewis now - wondering the streets looking for me... panicking... A horrible thought. Alone out there. And the feeling of loneliness is normally multiplied when you’re surrounded by crowds, for some strange reason. The security guard didn’t have an answer for me. “Should we call the police?” I continued.
The two guards on the other side of the room, next to the monitors, stopped playing cards and turned to face me, “Do you really think we should disturb the police at the moment?” one of them asked.
“My brother is missing...”
“For all of about an hour or so,” the second card playing guard said. “Missing children need to be reported after twenty-four hours.... you know.... he could still show up. He could still walk through the door, any minute now, clutching a bag of toys in his hand... you did say he wanted to go and spend his pocket money... maybe that’s what he is doing... Look, why don’t you take a seat, have a hot drink and wait until the store closes...”
“A hot drink? Should I be playing cards too? My brother is missing... for all you know he could have been taken... but you’re still happy to sit there playing cards... How did you get your jobs?!”
“And for all you know - he’s fine and just hiding from you. To teach you a lesson for being horrible to him... you did say you were being horrible to him, right? As my colleague said - just wait a bit longer. The mall will be shut, we can give the place a final sweep - all of us... chances are he’ll turn up...”
I felt as though two of the three guards were ganging up on me. They couldn’t care less that Lewis was missing. At least, that’s the impression they gave. The third of the guards was staying relatively quiet. “What about you?” I asked the quieter of the guards, “what do you think?”
He simply shrugged, “This is my first week,” he said, “I haven’t been involved in anything like this yet.... but my colleagues....”
The lonesome guard in the corner butted in, “... but his colleagues see this quite a lot and know how many children show up... Trust us.”
“And of all the kids who do show up - how many fail to come back?”
The guard didn’t say anything.
“I have to call my mum,” I said.
I stepped out of the main office, back into the deserted hallway, to phone home. I didn’t need the security guards hearing this conversation. Not with the way they were being. Mind you, if I played the reaction through the loud speaker of the phone and they heard how upset mum will be.... I wonder if they’d suddenly feel more compassion.
I selected my home number, via the contacts list of my phone, and pressed the green button. Seconds later and the call connected - the ringing tone playing through the ear-piece at me.
I wish Lewis had shown up. I didn’t want to be making this call. Mum, and dad for that matter, know what Lewis is like. They both know what a handful he can be. They’ve both experienced it for themselves... even so, I bet this is going to be my fault.
It is my fault. I can’t pretend otherwise.
The phone clicked, on the other end of the line, and I heard mum’s voice, “Hello?” She sounded as though I’d just woken her up. Great.
“Mum, it’s me,” I said.
“Oh, hi, how you getting on? You on your way home soon?” she said - missing the sheepish tone of my voice.
I wasn’t sure how to break this news to her. How to say Lewis has run off without sending her into a complete panic. How to say you’ve lost your brother without then getting an ear-bashing as the news slowly sinks in. How to say I don’t know where he is. Security guards don’t know, or care, where he is... no one knows... he’s lost. How do you tell someone that?
“Can you hear me? Are you there?” she continued.
I’m going to have to tell her something, break it to her as gently as I can, “Mum, Lewis isn’t with me... he’s run off...”
There was silence. A quick check of the mobile phone screen reveals a full service is available.
“What? Well, where is he?”
She sounds worried.
Not angry.
Worried.
“I don’t know, mum, they’ve been making announcements over the speaker system for him but he hasn’t shown up yet.... Mum, the mall closes soon, I think you need to come down here...”
“I’m on my way.”
“Just come to the security office,” I said. “I’ll meet you there, I’m going to go and see if I can find him again.”
“Just wait at the office! I don’t need to lose both of you!” she snapped.
Great, now she sounds angry.
“How could you let this happen?”
She didn’t wait for an answer. The phone line went dead.
I slipped the phone back into my trouser pocket. I should have stayed at home, on my bed, writing.
* * * * *
Holding Lewis’ hand, so he didn’t run off like he normally did when we went shopping, I pulled him in the direction of the first shoe shop I saw.
“Where are we going?” he yelled - same loud volume he usually used when he sensed things weren’t going in a direction he approved of, “The toy shop isn’t in this direction!”
“We aren’t going there, yet.” I said. I hoped he understood the word ‘yet’. “Mum told me to find you some school shoes first.... school shoes first and then the toy shop.”
“But I want to go to the toy shop... that was the whole point in coming!” he was starting to try and pull away from me so I simply tightened my grip.
“And we will be going there, but after we’ve got you some school shoes!”
“I don’t want to go and get school shoes! I don’t need school shoes! I don’t like them!” he started to get louder.
I stopped pulling him and turned around to face him - dropping to his level, in the process. I whispered, “Mum wants you to have some new school shoes for when you go back.... look.... you’re going to have to get them. But, with me, you can choose anything... any pair you want... even if you think mum will hate them! You can get them! Otherwise, you’ll have to come back here with mum and you’ll end up getting a pair that she likes....”
Lewis didn’t say anything. I could see from his expression, though, that he understood what I was saying... with his cool brother, he gets to choose any pair he wanted - maybe even the pair that offered the free ‘lightening strike’ badge like his friend had last year... Or the shoes with the flashing lights built into the heals...
“Sooner we’ve got your shoes,” I continued, “the sooner we get to the toys! Deal?”
I hoped he agreed but tried not to show my desperation. I wasn’t in the mood to fight my way around the shopping centre with him. I couldn’t be bothered with it all. I just wanted a new pair of trainers. Lewis hesitated for a moment before nodding, “Deal.”
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Okay, this way,” still holding his hand, I pulled him in the direction of the shoe shop. Get his shoes first, then my trainers and then, if there’s time, a quick trip to the toy store so he could spend his pocket money. The less I spend on his shoes, the more I get to spend on my trainers.